A B.A. in BS
Dear Edward, I have finally gotten over you No, that won’t work. Dear Edward, It’s been 3 years now. You never returned. At least you could keep ½ of your promise; I never saw you again, but the whole thing about life being as if you never existed is a large heaping load of horse sh— GAH! How do you tell your high school sweetheart, the man you stole your heart never to return it, the man who obsessed over keeping you safe, the man who left you broken in a forest because he did not love you anymore…how do you tell him that that you are finally over him and moving on, kinda-sorta. How do you tell him if he’s moved away with his family and you have no way to contact him? You write his sister’s husband, that’s how! What happens if Edward really never returned and Bella went on with her life? What happens if she was able to get over Edward, leave Forks, go to college, and make a life of her own? Would his heart break if he knew she was over him and could surive without him? Would she ever see him again? What about is family-could she really live with out her best friend, forever? What about the wolves? Jake? And oh, dear....what about Victoria?? This story takes place after Edward left. Bella was too much "into" herself (her depression was too strong) that she never did any of the extreme sports, never jumped off the cliff therefore leaving on reason for Alice to come back or for them to go to Volterra. This should be interesting. (BTW the title essentially means ABachelor of Arts inBull Sh--) FAIR WARNING: THERE IS SOME OOC ACTIVITY (Out Of Character) Also, there's some senuality coming up so be prepared :-) I have this "book" finished and the second "book" started and hopefully finished by the end of my holiday vacation. Thank you for allowing me creative license with what's in my head which will soon be on "paper".This Story is rated ADULT for language, future fight scenes, and sensuality. I just wrote a scene in one of the chapters that warranted a change in rating, sorry.Updat: this book is finished-on to the next!
You guys rock and I hope you'll fogive my months-long absence. School owned me for a while. I have a total of 23 chapters in this book and two more "books" after this. I hope you all enjoy!
15. Chapter 15
Rating 5/5 Word Count 3524 Review this Chapter
After Alice left, I pulled a black v-neck3/4 sleeve boyfriend-style shirt, stonewashed denim skinny jeans, and a pair of black ballet flats out of my closet. Alice must have unpacked my clothes while I slept.
I grabbed my robe and toiletries and took a very hot, very long shower. I dried my hair and pulled it back into a messy bun and got dressed. I didn’t bother with make-up or jewelry. I was not in the mood. I moisturized my face, grabbed a beige long-sleeved bolero and slipped into my shoes and went off to the cafeteria. Alice was really rubbing off on me.
It was Thanksgiving vacation so the a la carte was closed, but the fast food restaurants were open. I ended up with 2 slices of pepperoni and sausage pizza and an iced tea. I was one of 15 people in the cafeteria and found a secluded table all to myself.
I was having déjà vu. I couldn’t think about anything except the first time I sat in the lunchroom at Forks. Why did he have to make things so difficult? I would have been fine had I never seen him again. Yes, I might have wondered what if or where he was, but I would have been fine. But here he was, yet again, intruding on my life and making it more complicated. Last time I pursued him and let him in, and look where it got me.
But the feeling that I still wanted him and loved him was prevalent. It actually thrived. So the question was what was I going to do now that he was back? Did I want him back? Did I want to risk my heart again? Did I want to see the faces of my friends and family when I told them that he was back in my life and I was with him? Would it be worth it? Would he be worth it?
I could not make the decision sitting there at that table while picking the meat off my pizza. It was not something I could decide in a fraction of a second. I had to consider the things I had achieved over the past three years and the plans I made for my future and how or if he would figure into them because I didn’t know if I could fit him into my life anymore.
I needed to talk to someone about this. I took a few bites of my pizza and grabbed my iced tea and went back to my dorm. Just as I was about to call Alice, there was a knock at my door. As I opened it, I saw Alice and Rose standing there.
“He’s an ass for doing that to you, Bella,” snorted Rose.
“What, Alice? It’s the truth. What he did to her and the way he did it makes him a fool and an ass. If you want Bella, I’ll throw him across the backyard into a few choice trees. Repeatedly.”
“That’s, uh, nice Rose, but not necessary. I need to handle this on my own, or as much of it as I can manage. Come in, please,” I said as I opened the door wider allowing them to come in.
Alice took a seat on my bed and Rose sat at my desk. I sat at the head of my bed leaning back on the wall looking at both of them after I shut the door.
“When Rose and I left, after installing the new front door- I’ll explain that later-, he was having a conversation with Carlisle and Esme. I think he was finally realizing what he did to you. He realizes he can’t control you and shouldn’t have in the first place. He’s really sorry, Bella. I’m not saying you should forgive him or give him another chance, but he is remorseful.”
“I don’t know if I can risk my heart again,” I said as I shifted slightly to the center of the bed.
“How happy,” started Rose as she took a seat at the head of my bed next to me, “did he make you, Bella? How much did he make you smile? How much did his existence change your life and how empty did it make you feel when he left,” it was a necessary question, but I still winced at the idea of him leaving.
“More than I could have ever fathomed.”
“How much of you still loves him,” Rose asked with finality.
I was silent.
“How much of you wants him back, sis,” Alice questioned.
“The answer to both your questions is all of me….minus the part that hates him.”
“But which part dominates? Which part of you has control?”
“The part that was willing to give up my mortality for him so I could spend the rest of my existence with him. The part that was hurt the most when he left which is the same part that hates him, too. I don’t know what to do,” I said with tears on the cusp of my eyelids.
“Bella, I know you and I did not see eye to eye before this, but I know how much you love my brother. I know how much love can change a person. Emmett’s love changed me eternally. You were forever changed by the way Edward loved and he by the way you loved him.”
“Rose, I’m so scared. I don’t want to be hurt like that again. I don’t think I could live through him leaving me again or you guys leaving me.”
“You never have to. You don’t have to risk that again. One, we are never leaving your side ever, and two, you have a choice. You don’t have to allow him back into your life. You can just simply tell him to stay away. Or you can let him back into your life and find that he never wanted to leave in the first place and will never leave again, even if it is just out of fear of this one,” she pointed to Alice, “being allowed to rip his head off.
I’m not saying give him a chance, but if you don’t, wouldn’t you wonder everyday of the rest of your life ‘What if’? There is no wondering or doubt about one thing: he lives for you and he loves you. When or if you leave this Earth, he will follow. I think he would die of heartbreak right now if he was mortal. He loves you that much. And he’s going to always be around you. If he’s not peering in your windows while you sleep like a stalker would, he’ll be running parallel to you as you drive down the highway and remaining out of sight, he’ll be in the back of the audience when you get married or looking at your baby in the hospital nursery as you sleep. And then, he’ll be watching out for your children because he would know if they hurt, you would hurt. He might even watch out for your husband or boyfriend for the same reason. He would do anything to be sure that he did not cause you another ounce of pain or that you never experience pain again. You’ll never see him, but he’ll always be there and you’ll just feel his presence. I still think he’s an ass, but an ass that’s still in love with you.”
“It’s true, Bella. He was talking about it with Carlisle and Esme. He didn’t know what he had done to you. Had he known, I don’t think he never would have left. He would have searched for another option…or he might have stayed.”
“Bella, we aren’t trying to talk him up so you’ll give him another chance,” Rose said acting more like a sister to me than I ever could have imagined, “but we want you to have all the information so you can make an informed and appropriate decision.”
“Rose, sometimes some things are just too hard and too painful to work through, even if I already forgave him for it.”
“You forgave him,” Alice questioned.
“Yes, almost as soon as he left. I forgave him for having to leave, not because he did leave. He didn’t want me and I had practically forced myself on him and into your lives and I thought that part of it was my fault, so I forgave him.”
They both stared at me incredulously.
“BEL-I-,” Alice said as she started to kneel in front of me, “NONE of this is your fault. You did nothing! Do you understand me? NOTHING!”
“I’m going to kill my bastard brother,” Rose sneered.
“If none of this is my fault, if I did nothing wrong, then why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel so wrong for wanting him back? For missing him? For hating him?”
“Because you love him and he broke your heart and you want to stay mad at him, but there’s a part of you deep down that can’t. There’s a part that can’t let go. That won’t let go,” Alice said putting her hand on my leg.
“Bella,” Rose said tenderly, “what do you want right now? What do you need?”
“We can take you on a shopping spree,” Alice chimed.
I couldn’t help but to giggle, “Alice, I love that you’ll find any excuse to go shopping, but I don’t know what I need right now,” I started to say standing up, “part of me wants to be alone, part of me wants to go to the house and talk, no, yell at Edward and get everything off my chest, and then there’s that nasty little part of me that I’ve been struggling to keep at bay. The part that wants to run directly back into his arms-the safest place I have ever felt…I just don’t know. I don’t know, but I do know. UGH! You know what, screw it. Who drove because we’re going to the house? I have to see him.”
By the time we loaded into the car I had dialed Esme.
“Esme, it’s Bella. If it’s ok with you and Carlisle, I’m calling a family meeting. I have a few things to say that everyone needs to hear.”
“Are you sure, dear? We are somewhat aware of what’s going on. You know you can have as much space and privacy as you need with him.”
“Thank you for that, but what I say needs to be heard by everyone, not just him. I’m done with information being withheld, half-truths, and partial disclosure. I want everyone to have the same information and be on the same page.”
“I understand. I’ll let them know. You ladies are on your way back now?”
“Yes. We should be there shortly.”
“We will be waiting. And Bella, no matter what it is that you have to say, we will do nothing but support you. We love you”
“Thanks Esme, love you too.”
“I’ll see you soon, sweetie.”
About ten minutes later I was standing in the living room and each member of my family was next to their mate. Alice sat at Jasper’s feet who sat in an oversized recliner. Rosalie sat next to Emmett on the couch perpendicular to the chair and Carlisle and Esme stood behind Rose and Emmett’s couch with their arms wrapped around each other. That left Edward who sat on the end of the same couch. I felt like I was in Oral Communications back at FCC, just not as nervous. I turned to face Edward and just stared at him. He stared back, abashed.
“You left me,” I spoke angrily as my body started to tremble.
“Edward, shut up,” I spoke with almost unchallengeable authority. Surprise lit up his eyes, but he did not finish his sentence.
“You left me broken. You decimated every ounce of happiness and joy I had in me when you left. You killed me when you left. You abandoned me. You make me think I wasted all those kisses, that the times I told you I loved you meant nothing to you, that all those afternoons in ou—the meadow was worthless, that our nights together were nothing but wasted time to you. That all of that meant nothing to you. You made it seem that the fact I love---d was not something to cherish like I cherished your love, but something that you could just throw away.”
“Edward, she said shut up, now shut it,” spat Alice as looked at him ferociously.
“I thought for so long that I would die without you. If someone had cracked me open after you left, they would have found nothing inside and I was that way for months. I felt nothing. I felt so empty without you that I thought I was dying. There were days I’d wake up and think it was all a bad dream or horrible nightmare and I would turn over to find you only to realize your arms were not wrapped around me-you were not there-and the crushing blow of reality would bruise my heart again. For months I did that, Edward. MONTHS!
It was like there was a revolving door of sadness, sorrow, and emptiness that exited into my heart, mind, and soul. For so long, I blamed myself for all of it and I kind of still do.” Once those words were out of my mouth, I turned around to compose myself for a split second and then turned around and looked Edward square in the eyes.
“YOU WALKED OUT ON ME! YOU WALKED OUT ON US! You said I didn’t belong with you! And yet I was your reason for being, I was your life. Remember that? Remember telling me I was your life?”
There was pure silence. He didn’t dare answer and no one spoke.
“Alice and Rose told me it’s like I’m almost fated to be one of you-like I was always destined to be a vampire. I like to think that I was destined to be a Cullen in some way. I’m okay with that and in all honesty I agree. I agree because I’ve never felt more like myself, more alive than when I’m around you all,” I said as I turned toward the rest of the family. “And I don’t ever want to let you guys walk out of my life. I can’t force you to stay, but I’ll do my damnedest to fight for you.” I turned back to Edward to finish my thought, “the kicker to all of that is that have to be around you. I have to be around the man who abandoned me, left me, stole my heart and left a huge gaping hole in my chest.”
“Bella, I-I never—“
“Dude, if you don’t shut the hell up and let her finish, then I’m going to throw you out the back window and into a tree!”
“Thanks Emmett, but no breaking the house in my account. You know, Edward,” I scoffed, “I never thought I would be able to move on; that I would never come out of it. That I would be stuck reliving that moment for the rest of my life; waking up in the middle of the night screaming because I knew you were gone, reliving the nightmare that you were really not around and you took them with you. But it wasn’t a nightmare-it was reality…….pure, true, unadulterated reality and it hurt.”
I saw something flash through the living room and Alice was gone. Seconds later she was back with a seat for me and glass of water. She pecked me on the cheek and returned to her seat next to Jasper. I took a quick drink and set the now half-filled glass on the coffee table and sat down on the ottoman she brought from somewhere in the house.
“But I did move on. And the thing that bothers me the most about it was that I didn’t come out of it for me, I didn’t move on for me, I moved on for Charlie. Either way, there was a damn that started to hold the tears back, a muzzle to stifle the screams in the middle of the night, and smiles that replaced the frowns. I started to laugh again and although it didn’t fill the gaping hole in my chest, it did make it shallower. The problem is I moved on with parts of my life: school, friends, future, ambitions, and a decision on a career. But not you; I did not move on from you. I couldn’t because anyone who wasn’t you wasn’t good enough to fill your shoes or fill the void so why even bother? What was the point? So, I never tried.”
I was silent for a few minutes. I started to play with the end of my shirt sleeve. Carlisle started to say something, but I saw Alice put her hand up to stop him. She knew I needed a moment before I got the end of this out.
“I forgave you, Edward,” I whispered faintly but knew everyone heard it, “up to a point at least. I think I forgave you for the fact that you had to leave. I didn’t see that as being your fault. I saw it as mine and I took the blame. I know that it’s wrong that I do that, but that is just something I have to work through.” I looked up from my sleeve and my lip started to tremble as I fought for the right words to say and failed at blinking the tears back. “But I do not forgive you for leaving. I do not forgive the way you left me. I do not forgive you for taking my family and by best friend. I do not forgive you for stringing me along and telling me you loved me and that I was your life. I don’t forgive you for lying to me all that time.”
“Bella, I did lie to you, but not about what you think!”
“Edward, damn it sh--,” rose started but Alice raised her hand again to stop her. Apparently I needed to hear this.
“That day in the forest, I lied through my teeth. I didn’t want to leave you, but I had to. Or I thought I had to. I thought we-that I was putting you in so much danger. I thought you would be better off, be safer without me, without us in your life. After your birthday, I was afraid that we were not in your best interests and more of a danger to you than anything else in the world. I was not about to risk your life like that. So I took off and I made my family leave too. I hated living without you. Life was not life unless you were in it. I was dead inside without you and my life had no meaning.
You were-you are my life. You are my reason for being. I do love you! I never stopped loving you,” he said as he knelt in front of me. “Your letter was right, these were my failures. Every single one and I failed you beyond comprehension. Oh, God Bella, I failed you in so many ways. You said you live a life with you me in your letter-well I don’t live if I’m without you. I obviously had no idea what was in your best interests and I should have talked to you. I put you in more danger when I left than when I was there. I truly believed that us leaving was best for you and safer for you. Had I known tha--,” he was interrupted by my fury.
“Well you were wrong Edward! On so many levels that I can’t count or differentiate where one level ends and the next begins. I don’t want your apologies right now, so don’t. Just, for once, listen to me-hear me. I never could imagine a life without you-without them-after you came into mine. These past three years without you guys in my life have been wrong and I’ve been incomplete. There’s been happiness, laughter and joy in my life, but it’s nothing compared to what I had with you. I was never myself after you. I existed as pieces and fragments of my normal self. But right here, right now, things are different. You and I are different, or at least I am sure that I am. I’ve had some things to think about and I think I've taken everything into consideration. I’ve made a decision.”
- His Heroine
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