A B.A. in BS
Dear Edward, I have finally gotten over you No, that won’t work. Dear Edward, It’s been 3 years now. You never returned. At least you could keep ½ of your promise; I never saw you again, but the whole thing about life being as if you never existed is a large heaping load of horse sh— GAH! How do you tell your high school sweetheart, the man you stole your heart never to return it, the man who obsessed over keeping you safe, the man who left you broken in a forest because he did not love you anymore…how do you tell him that that you are finally over him and moving on, kinda-sorta. How do you tell him if he’s moved away with his family and you have no way to contact him? You write his sister’s husband, that’s how! What happens if Edward really never returned and Bella went on with her life? What happens if she was able to get over Edward, leave Forks, go to college, and make a life of her own? Would his heart break if he knew she was over him and could surive without him? Would she ever see him again? What about is family-could she really live with out her best friend, forever? What about the wolves? Jake? And oh, dear....what about Victoria?? This story takes place after Edward left. Bella was too much "into" herself (her depression was too strong) that she never did any of the extreme sports, never jumped off the cliff therefore leaving on reason for Alice to come back or for them to go to Volterra. This should be interesting. (BTW the title essentially means ABachelor of Arts inBull Sh--) FAIR WARNING: THERE IS SOME OOC ACTIVITY (Out Of Character) Also, there's some senuality coming up so be prepared :-) I have this "book" finished and the second "book" started and hopefully finished by the end of my holiday vacation. Thank you for allowing me creative license with what's in my head which will soon be on "paper".This Story is rated ADULT for language, future fight scenes, and sensuality. I just wrote a scene in one of the chapters that warranted a change in rating, sorry.Updat: this book is finished-on to the next!
You guys rock and I hope you'll fogive my months-long absence. School owned me for a while. I have a total of 23 chapters in this book and two more "books" after this. I hope you all enjoy!
9. Chapter 9
Rating 0/5 Word Count 3975 Review this Chapter
Point of fact: we are caught up on the timeline-everyone is in the same moment. Sorry, took me a while to get there.
My mind started to assimilate the fact that there was a big, cold lug crushing me into his chest failing to realize that I was human and couldn’t breathe. He sweetly kissed my forehead.
“I missed you little sis! And you have filled out!”
“Emmett, she’s not like us, she needs air,” Esme said disapproving. “And don’t make those types of lewd comments about your sister.” He let go of me immediately and I futilely smacked his arm for the boob comment.
“Sorry, Bella.” He wiggled his eyes sinisterly. I was waiting for him to start twirling his invisible mustache. “But a guy just notices these things.”
“You just called me your little sister and complemented my body in the same sentence, Emmett!”
“You are my little sister, but that doesn’t change that I have eyes!”
“Don’t make me tell Rose,” I said as I stood in front of a 6+ foot huge vampire crossing my arms sternly realizing I had the upper hand.
“Nicely played, but you realize this isn’t the end of this, right?”
I growled at him. Well, as human of a growl as it may be, but he got the hint. I poked around him to see Esme standing there overjoyed that her family was together even if she disapproved of Emmett’s mouth.. She caught the comical annoyance in my eyes and mouthed “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you Esme. And it’s ok. I don’t know how long the secrecy would have lasted in a house with a vampire fortuneteller and her empathetic husband.”
“Uh oh.” I heard Emmett growl from his chest as he backed further into the room.
I looked at him hesitantly, not knowing what or at whom he was growling at. He was looking back through the door with humor and fear. Esme had the same look.
I turned around to find a short, brown –haired, exceptionally well dressed, vampire leering wildly at Emmett. And she was holding what looked to be 15 shopping bags, filled to the brim.
“When you get home, you are going to die, again. How dare you see her before me?”
“Hey, she’s my little sister, too.” He said slumping into a chair in front of Esme’s desk.
“She’s my best friend! And in dire need of a new wardrobe.” I watched her look me up and down in disgust. I had tears in the corner of my yes. I was reflexively smiling. When around Alice, you couldn’t help but smile.
“I would say don’t cry, but you aren’t wearing any make-up so your mascara won’t smear and it’s not like I could stop you.” With that, she dropped the bags that were undoubtedly for me and I was again suffocating. It was her hug that caused the tears to bubble out from my eyes.
“Hey pixie! She can’t breathe. She’s human, you know.”
“Emmett shut up.” She relaxed her arms slightly so I could breathe and started to run her hands through my hair. I could feel her face still leering at him and I chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” Bells still rang when Alice spoke.
“Nothing ever changes with you two.” I shook my head and they all started to laugh at me.
“Hey, no fair laughing at the human.”
“Kids, how about we bring this conversation inside my office. Alice, could you shut the door, please?”
Emmett, the unknown gentleman, got up so I could sit down. Alice took the other chair beside mine and Esme was sitting behind her desk. He sat on the edge of the desk closest to me.
She looked at the shopping bags she had picked up before we took our seats, and then she looked at me. “You realize it’s makeover day, right?”
“No, it’s not Alice.” I was playfully annoyed. Alice was after all, Alice. I was so thankful for that.
“Oh, yes it is. Remember, I’m psychic. I see all.”
“Fine. What time?” I crossed my arms giving in. She, of course, knew I would.
“I’ll meet you in your dorm room at 4.” Sneaky, persuasive little pixie.
“Who else knows?” I questioned looking at Esme. I tried to say it as sweetly as possible. She knew exactly who I was asking about.
“Jasper has figured it out and Carlisle smelled you on me yesterday. I think Rose is the only one in the house who doesn’t know.”
The room was silent. Emmett broke the silence.
“Rose feels really bad about the way she treated you. I can’t believe it, but she’s actually remorseful. Even Jasper felt it after we left.”
“Wow…uh….I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you’ll come visit us tonight after your makeover. I can guarantee that everyone at the house misses you and wants to see you!” Her face went blank for just a few seconds, yet she hardly gave me a chance to respond. “Esme, tell everyone we’ll be there at 6. And Carlisle is going to make you dinner, Italian, so you don’t have to worry about dinner.”
“No, please, you don’t have to cook for me. You don’t have to go to that much trouble.” It’s wasn’t that I didn’t want them to cook; it’s that I could not stand to eat Italian anymore. There were too many good memories that surrounded that type of food which lead to one really bad memory and I wasn’t going back there.
“Bella we insist. Carlisle hasn’t cooked in years.”
“Ok, but if you want to make me dinner, could it be something other than Italian?”
“Sure, anything you want! Tonight is your night.”
“If tonight was my nigh, I’d have a say in what happens.”
“How about grilled grizzly? I can find one for my dinner and you can have the meat. I promise not to drain it. We’ll go Dutch.”
“Hey, I just don’t want the animal to go to waste,” he guffawed at my reaction and crinkled nose.
“Alice put her hand on my arm. We’ll do something you’ll like, don’t worry. We’ll never let Emmett cook-EVER.”
I mouthed thank you to Alice.
“Hey, don’t knock it till you try it ladies.”
“Emmett, not gonna happen.”
“Over grizzly? Every time.”
“So, then it’s settled? Dinner tonight at our house at 6.” Esme confirmed.
“After your makeover, of course.” Alice added.
“Of course.” I rolled my eyes.
“Emmett, Alice, you know I love you dearly, but could I have a word with Esme alone?”
“Sure. I’ll just drop off these bags in your room. And don’t worry no one will see me. Just make sure to wash your hair when you get home so it will curl better.”
“Jeez Alice, exactly what are you planning to do to me? It sounds like torture.”
“You’ll see!” She stood up and wrapped me in her arms. “I love you Bella and I am SO glad you are back.”
“I love you, too Alice. I missed you.” Suddenly I couldn’t breathe.
“You can survive for up to two minutes without air, you’ll be fine.” With that, Esme pulled him off us. He kissed me on the head and patted me on the back causing me to stumble over my own feet. He was laughing at my expense yet again.
“Things were always so exciting with you round little sis. See you at home!”
“Bye Em!” Emmett had left the room.
Alice gave me a peck on the cheek and picked up the shopping bags by the door.
“I even caved in and bought you some designer jeans and ONE plain t-shirt.”
I sarcastically gasped. “Alice! Oh My God! You’ve proved it! Vampires can change! Alert the media!” She rolled her eyes and Esme chuckled.
“I’ll see you promptly at 4.”
She waved and walked out, bags in tow.
I turned toward Esme, still sitting behind her desk.
“I swear Bella, I tried my best, but I live with a family who is too perceptive and meddlesome for their own good.” She sighed greatly.
I leaned over and touched her hand. “Esme, it is ok. I swear. I’m actually really happy. Happier than I have been in a long time and I can’t wait to see everyone tonight.” I could feel a light in my eyes a melody in my voice that had not been there for avery long time.
“So you aren’t angry?”
“Absolutely not! Esme, I don’t think there’s anything on Earth that you could do to make me angry.” She looked up at me, her eyes still filled with sorrow. She was blaming herself for leaving.
“Not even that. That was not your doing, it was his. I know he asked you to move away when he left, when he realized…,” I couldn’t finish my thought and bit my lip before continuing. “I know you can’t deny your family because I can’t deny mine. Look at the way I give in to Alice.”
She laughed and her happiness came back. She put her free hand on top of mine. “Thank you Bella. You are very forgiving and have a very sweet soul. Now dear, what is it that you wanted to talk about?”
“Well,” I sighed, “I did this thing that could be construed as foolish. Well, maybe construed is not the right word.”
I crossed my arms and walked over to the window. It was overcast; the sun’s rays barely peaked out of the sky. Esme had placed her desk out of the sun’s reach, even if the sun had been hanging in the sky at high noon she would have been enveloped in shadow. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular, I just couldn’t face Esme.
“My dear, sweet Bella. We all do things considered foolish in our youth. It can’t be that bad sweetheart.” She spoke behind me, still at her desk-giving me my space.
“I did it with this thought that…that…that if I did it, if I said certain things, I would be better off. That I would be stronger and able to move on.” I started to feel energy surging through my body and began to use emphatic with hand gestures. “But the truth is some of the things I said were flagrant lies. I said them thinking that if I said them, they would be true. I said them to make things better in my head and in my heart, but I’m afraid that the end result is going to be that someone gets hurt. And I don’t want anyone to get hurt” My voice lowered to a whisper on the last sentence. “That’s not my intention because there has already been too much pain.”
As my voice rose in frustration I realized I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop and she wasn’t stopping me, so I continued. “I thought that the things I was saying were true, and some of them were, but some of them weren’t. I thought that saying them would make me strong, because they were supposedly the ‘right things to say’.” I did air quotes and continued.
“But how could they be the right thing to say if they weren’t true? How could they be the right thing to say if I risked hurting him the way he hurt me.” My secret was way out, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. “I never thought he was a monster, Esme. I never thought any of you were. How could a family so gentle and sweet be monsters? That was until he left.” My voice turned stoic. “What he turned me into after he left, the way he treated me; that turned him into a monster in my mind.” I could not pinpoint exactly what I wanted to say. I really didn’t think he was a monster in my heart. I sighed and looked down at the floor in shame, still in front of the window. I sighed heavily.
“Ok, maybe that’s not true. I never thought he was a monster, but the people around me did. Esme, when he, when you…when you all were gone, it left me in such a state. My parents threatened to send me to a shrink and to move me to Jacksonville, but couldn’t leave the one place in the world that brought me as much happiness as it did pain. No one understood. They all saw Edward was a horrible, horrid person and I tried to see him the same way, but I couldn’t. And I think that was the most painful thing of all.” My voice was starting to strain.
“As much as he had hurt me, as much as he had caused me pain, I could not hate him. That is the last thing I could do because I just couldn’t stop loving him. I can’t stop loving him. But I knew I had to move on, Esme. I knew I had to grow and venture out on my own, it was only right. It was all he wanted. And even after everything he did,” my voice was wavering and I was trying my best to blink back tears, “after leaving, after taking you all with him, I honored what he wanted. Even after he left, I couldn’t break my promises to him. I went on. I got stronger, made a life for myself, decided on a career and expanded my ambitions in life. But it never seemed right or complete. And now you’re here, and it feels so right and I feel almost whole” tears were streaming down my hot cheeks, “but at the same time empty because the hole in my chest is still there. I’m still hurt. I don’t want to hurt, Esme. I don’t want this hole in my chest anymore. I don’t want the nightmares, the longing, the tears, the fear, the pain. I want to heal. I WANT to feel whole and complete and I don’t yet. I don’t want to feel like I’m missing my reason for being, my destiny.” I was now pounding on my chest with my right fist.
“And that’s because he’s not here, because he left! He LEFT ME! And all I want, all I have wanted for the past two years is for him here in my life and his arms around me, “I started to wrap my arms around my shoulders, “but I also want to give him the beating of his life.” I chuckled at my mixture of thoughts. I lifted up my head and did a 180 towards her.
“I’m so torn, Esme. Part of me hates him with the passion of all passions, but there is a larger part of me that loves every ounce of his being. ” She got up from behind her desk with a tissue and wiped my tears and the snot from my nose, forever playing her part as mom.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ranted like that.”
“Bella, it’s ok, it was only a matter of time before your bottled emotions exploded.”
“I’m surprised Alice isn’t busting down that right now.” I sardonically giggled.
“Trust me she would be and then she would be on the phone to her brother. She’s still attuned to you, but I don’t think it’s that strong anymore. She was able to have the vision of us today because it involved me, her, and you, but she wasn’t allowed to look for you after we left, Bella. None of us were allowed to have contact with you.”
“What do you mean weren’t allowed? He always had to control things, didn’t he?” I scoffed at the thought of him dictating his family’s actions.
“You know him well, but he was trying to protect you. You did everything he wanted you to. He wanted you to have a life beyond us, beyond him. He wanted you to live, have experiences, get married have children, a career, and grow old. But the largest part of his motivation wanted you to be able to live a full, happy life without taking something from you that he believed you could never get back. The thing he believes he does not have. He did not want to deprive you of eternal happiness.” I pondered that.
“The thing he doesn’t have?” I giggled. “What, his virtue? He didn’t want to take my virtue?” As if that would have given me eternal happiness. She smiled slightly and cocked her head to the left, “No Bella, he did not want to take your soul. He knew you wanted to be with him forever and what that meant and lead to. He knew what Alice had seen it happened and refused to let that happen to you. He refused to take away your soul.
He thought he would be able to find enough ways to keep your mind entertained over the next 80 years to keep you human. Then, when the time would come for you to leave this Earth, he would do so, too. Then your birthday party happened, and he saw what the risk was to you. What he was risking staying around. What danger he was putting you in. As much as he wouldn’t take your soul, there was a larger part of him that would not take or risk your life in order to be with you.
And we all loved you so much that we understood and we didn’t want you in danger either. We knew it hurt him too much to stay and that he would leave no matter if we stayed or not, so when he asked us to leave, we did. As much as it hurt, we thought we were giving you the best chance at a real life, something none of us would ever have. We refused take that away from you, all of us.
“He did not want to leave you, Bella.” By this time we were sitting next to each other in the chairs in front of her desk. “It hurt him more than any of us could imagine. More than we hurt combined. He’s still hurting. For a while, we thought we were going to lose him. We knew that he would follow you in death, just as anyone of us would follow our mate, but we never thought he would precede you in death. Not until he stopped hunting. Not until he would leave for days at a time and Alice would be our only contact to him through her visions. That was the only way we would know he was ok.
We all hoped he would come back. He couldn’t stand to hurt his father or me. He saw the pain we all felt and how he was contributing to it. So he made us a deal: he would go away, live on his own for a while and make himself useful somehow. He promised to keep in contact via phone calls and on a rare occasion, a visit. It’s been some time since we last saw him, but he called last night. Don’t worry, we didn’t let on about you being here. We wouldn’t tell him about you without your permission.” She must have seen the fear flash in my eyes. But it wasn’t as much fear, as much as it was anticipation.
“I must warn you though; Alice has seen him coming back. She doesn’t have an exact date, yet. If past behavior remains, he will only stay for a few days. I promise to let you know when, if you wish to know. If you don’t want to be anywhere near here when he comes back, we can fly you anywhere, our treat. Even get you out of your classes, but that is your choice to make.” I did not know what to say about their generosity. “Perhaps we could even send you for a while to visit your mother.” I smiled at her offer.
“Thank you Esme.” She put her hand on mine and squeezed it. We sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes.
“I wrote Jasper a letter.”
“You wrote Jasper a letter,” she said very confused.
“Well, sort of. Remember in my rant when I said that I had written things that were lies?” She nodded in acknowledgment.
“I wrote it to Edward, but addressed it to Jasper at your house in Forks. I thought that if I sent it him, Alice would see it and get it to Edward. There were thoughts in it for the rest of the family, too. About how much I missed and loved you all and hoped that you were happy. But the point of the letter was me telling him that I was over him, that I was hurt in the beginning and couldn’t function and was depressed and didn’t want to live or move from my bed for that matter,” I was rambling again.
“But that I had grown stronger for Charlie and grew out of it. I grew out of it and I lived without him and that I would live the rest of my life without him, without wanting him, without loving him. But I was so wrong Esme and I don’t want him to see the letter. I don’t want to talk to him or see him because I know I couldn’t survive him leaving again, but I also don’t want him to hurt or think that I didn’t love or don’t love him. I was hoping that…that you would be able to get the letter and keep it from him. To hide it or burn it or something.”
“I would be more than happy to do that for you, Bella, but we haven’t received any mail from Forks in a while. We have a service that collects any mail out there and mails it to us every few months and they just sent us the last batch not too long ago. Alice hasn’t mentioned seeing anything coming to us.”
“I just mailed it just before I left.”
“Ah, I’ll call them instruct them to keep an eye out for it. It will probably come in the next batch of mail. I’m sure we will be able to find it. And I’ll keep it between just us girls.” I felt better, reassured. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
“I am eternally grateful. Thank you.”
“It is no problem. Oh, it’s quarter past noon! Your next class is at 12:30, right?”
“OH, CRAP! I lost total sense and track of time! I should go.” She gave me a tight hug, a few more tissues just in case, and looked into my eyes as her hands rested on my cheeks.
“Bella, we are really blessed to have you back in our lives. I am very indebted to your forgiveness.”
“There is nothing to forgive. I will see you all tonight.” I smiled, hugged her again, grabbed my bag and was on my way. I had a little over 3 hours before my next encounter with my favorite fashionista. What had I gotten myself into?
- His Heroine
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