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This is a brief insight into how Edward is feeling during the time he is away during New Moon.


1. Lost

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Hope is the expectation that something outside of ourselves, something or someone external, is going to come to our rescue and we will live happily ever after.

It has been exactly 106 days since I left Forks, since I left my.. I couldn’t even bare to think of her name, since I left her. I could only hope she was coping better than I, I was a broken man, I couldn’t bear to be around my family – well what is left of it now she is not there. I could not subject my loving mother, to see me how I am now, it was better to cause her a small amount of pain by staying away compared to the pain it would inflict on her if she were to see me as I am now.

As I sit alone I am reminded of the night I chose this for myself and my family, the night I chose to run, I told myself it was in her best interest that I left, was I right, sitting here now I am not so sure. I had called a family meeting and when I arrived home I found 6 frozen statues at the dining room table, Alice had already told them what was going to be said, with her uncanny vision of the future, It was her thoughts I heard first, No Edward we can’t look what it will do to her! I was forced to see Bella alone in her room, sitting in the rocking chair, I had favoured those first months when I watched her sleep, her face was blank.

“Alice she is stronger than that.” I pleaded with Alice to let me hear something else.

Edward how can you say that when what I see is the future, it is going to happen.

“The future can change Alice.”

Carlisle had interrupted us then. He spoke with authority and I knew his choice on the matter was to be obeyed.

“Edward, my son, are you sure this is the only possible way to deal with the matter at hand?”

“There is no other way Carlisle, I will not put her in danger again, and I – us being here puts her in danger.”

“I see no other option then, we shall leave Forks.”

I could sense Jasper in the corner and I could hear the shame in his mind, he felt all of this was his fault. He felt Alice and I would never forgive him, but he was wrong this was my fault.

“Jasper your wrong” I said in a whisper which I knew he would hear. He answered me in his thoughts.

How can I be, this has all been my fault .I don’t deserve your forgiveness.

“It is not your fault, and you would be a fool to think either myself or Alice were blaming you for this, or are going to hold a grudge. You are a vampire Jasper, and I brought Bella here, not you. You were not to blame I was.”

Alice understood what Jasper was feeling and came and stood beside me, then proceeded on to be beside Jasper. She silently took his hand and led him from the room. She was much better at calming him down than I was, and in all truthfulness he was more ashamed of letting Alice down than anyone else.

The more I thought of that fateful night the more I can feel myself losing the constant battle of right and wrong. It was wrong to be with her, to endanger her life in my world, a world of monsters, soulless monsters. It was right to have left her, so she can have a normal life with a normal man. I knew I was losing this battle of letting her go, I could feel it, every inch of my being craved her, and with every passing day I was getting weaker and I knew before long I would not be able to resist going back to her. What I would give to be human, to be able to with her without hurting her. To live everyday in her arms, but there was no use in any amount of wishing. It was not going to happen, I was destined to be alone, until the day she died, when I would follow her, and this was all the hope I had left.