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Midnight Sun Continues

For those that have read Midnight Sun, this is a short chapter continuing that story. I loved it when I read it on Meyer's website and was disappointed to know that it wouldn't be continued so I took it upon myself to keep going. I just love being in Edward's head. The chapter is about Edward trying to convince himself he can control himself around Bella. This takes place after he has first touched Bella''s face and dropped her off at home.

If you have not read Midnight Sun, this chapter will seem pretty aimless to you, then again, it might either way...

1. Balancing

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Peace with Bella seemed about as likely as a walk in a crowed park on a sunny afternoon for me. This wasn’t to say that I didn’t have contentment with Bella around me, I’d never actually felt such radiating happiness flowing through me but I’d also never had so much poisonous venom flowing through me either. The way I felt was similar to the two sides of a coin warring against each other. On the once side I was feeling all of the brand new human emotions she brought out in me, some more pleasant than others. The jealousy being the worst almost tied with the insatiable curiosity I always felt when I was around her. The curiosity was painful at times because it was so odd for me to have to be curious about anybody’s thoughts, but in a small way I almost enjoyed it. The game of trying to figure her out, sometimes guessing right and other times falling completely off the mark. The latter being the more dominant of the two. As much as I had compiled about her in my imaginary list in my head she still remained a mystery to me. I couldn’t understand a person of her creation. She was so utterly different from everyone I’d experienced before her and this wasn’t even including her run with bad luck.
On the other side of the coin, I’d refer to it as my dark side as if I had any other side than that; I still felt my primal senses whenever I was around her. The scent and heat of her body pulling me toward her in a way that was unnatural and violent. Of course this side seemed greatly diminished the more time I spent with her, however it was always present like the elephant sitting in the corner of the room demanding attention.
I was reluctantly pleased though to discover that the one time I did allow myself physical contact with Bella, at least intentionally, that it brought out my human side more than I would have thought possible. When I had run my cold immortal fingers across her soft fragile face earlier I hadn’t been thinking of the way her blood singed my throat but of how soft and supple she felt. It was such a warm memory to think back on and yet I was wracked with guilt and remorse over it. I shouldn’t, cannot touch Bella unless if to protect her from the ever present death threat that stalked her. One more touch would just lead to another and I was having a hard enough time controlling myself on that front without adding wood to the fire.
I would have to be extra careful tomorrow when I went to pick her up for school. I had to keep my mind distracted from touching her. As much as it had consumed my mind before it was all the more powerful as I had allowed that brief concession before.
I was driving up my street trying desperately to find distraction when Alice presented it in the form of her shouting, panic-stricken thoughts.
“It was an older vision of course, much has changed since then but still how do we know for sure. Ugh. What’s the point of this psychic thing when I feel this much anxiety!!”
Of course I knew exactly what she was referring to but it had escaped my mind for a while with the thoughts of touching Bella. She was thinking about the vision she’d had at lunch this afternoon of Bella and I in the meadow. The same meadow I planned to take Bella and show her myself completely. The same exact spot where Alice had seen me killing Bella….
But that would not happen. My love and will would be strong enough to keep it from happening. I couldn’t hurt Bella now, not with the way I felt. Alice had to see that much and yet still her thoughts disturbed and shook me. I couldn’t hurt Bella, not intentionally, but what if…

What if something happened in the meadow to make me lose control? Perhaps Bella cuts herself on a jagged rock or I attempt another touch of her soft skin. No mistakes is what I kept repeating in my head but wasn’t all of this one big mistake. To allow myself this much with her already. To even be in Forks at all. And Bella was a walking accident, so easily she could scrape herself, she could cut herself by accident and then a minor scrape would turn into something far more horrific. I had made leaps and bounds with regards to ignoring her luscious fragrance but I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough if it was flowing free and out in the open to my nose, my throat. Revoltingly my mouth filled with venom at the brief thought and after many days of silence I thought I heard the monster growl. No. It wouldn’t happen that way. I won’t allow it. She’s save with me, she has to be. I was suddenly angry with Alice for putting this worry in my head. It was a moot point. I won’t hurt Bella and I wouldn’t allow Bella to get hurt along our journey to the meadow. I would be perfectly in control the whole time and there would be no touching of any kind.
I parked the Volvo and clutched the steering wheel for a moment. I knew the discussion with Alice was comin, but for some reason I wanted to avoid it. There was nothing to worry about, I wouldn’t let anything happen to Bella. Again I hated the fact I wasn’t normal. A normal boy wouldn’t have to have a discussion with his sister about the possibility, as slim as it was, that he might kill his girlfriend. I laughed almost at that last word. Girlfriend. As if Bella was only that to me. It was too superficial of a label for someone like her to me. She is the love of my life, the only person to have ever or would ever touch me this way. Even so she could never be my girlfriend, that role involved a certain amount of physical contact, something Bella and I could never have. My hard, ivory hands could have crushed the steering wheel beneath them in that moment.
I opened the car door and dragged my feet to the front porch where Alice was sitting on the top step. She had her hands folded in her lap and looked down on my advancing figure. She did not see me though, in her mind everything was in tumult and chaos. She was thinking of her older visions and of the new ones that were popping into her head. I’d never heard Alice’s thoughts in such a torrent of worry and pain.
She really did love this girl she had never met and was terrified of losing a would be best friend, more than that a sister. Her thoughts were manifold. One part was trying to stop what she saw, another trying to see if it would still happen at all, and yet another worried that what she envisioned was inevitable.
She was wrong. It wasn’t inevitable.
I spoke my thought allowed as only one of us was the reader here and that broke her concentration on the shadowy forms racing through her head.
“You are wrong. Nothing like that will happen.” I stated it again to make sure she heard me and understood my conviction.
I never said I was right or that would definitely happen, but we both know it’s a strong possibility. We’re talking fifty-fifty here Edward. There’s only two paths left for her and I’ve seen one of them happen.
I could again see in her the vision of Bella’s lifeless body in my arms, my blood red eyes staring up at the sky in agony and maybe… satisfaction.
“No.” I shook my head to clear the image away and began speaking to Alice in a speedy defense so I could get her to see something else.
“I’m taking extra precautions. I’ll feed more and I won’t…”
I wouldn’t touch her again.
“I won’t make mistakes!” I hope she didn’t hear the anguish in my voice at that last sentence.
“Honestly Edward, what scares me most is that I can’t quite tell what will happen, which means it will be unbelievable close. Will you take that risk with her?”
All I had done was take risks with Bella and so far I’d come out of them shockingly well. And I still had the strong desire for Bella to know me. To truly see me in the light, no pun intended. Maybe it would finally make her see reason and that I was a monster. Maybe she would finally run. Or if she stayed it would mean she really did care for me. Either way I wanted to know, I needed to know. Just like when I needed to know if she preferred any of the sheep like males at school, I needed to know now if she would still prefer me after our trip to the sunny meadow.