Eric Yorkie, The Van Helsing of Forks
Vampires have come to Forks, and only one person can possibly stop them. That would be me. I am Eric Yorkie, the Van Helsing of Forks. The True Adventures of a Vampire Hunter. A Twilight AU JokesonJane made this awesome banner
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2. Chapter 2 Where I Begin My Stalking
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There are many different species of vampires, each with different strengths and abilities. Before engaging a vampire, be sure to carefully appraise the type you are dealing with. Assess what weaknesses they may have. It may save your life. Or at least your reputation in school. – From The Diary of a Vampire Hunter by Eric Yorkie
The next morning, I am sure of my nighttime revelation. Edward Cullen is a vampire. The good looks, the speed, even the article on safe driving−it all starts to make sense. But what about the daytime? He walks around school. Vampires sleep during the day. In coffins or in dirt. Maybe he's some kind of daywalker, like Blade. That could explain it.
I start to follow this thought a little further. If he's a vampire, then what about his family? I remember Jasper's magic with Coach Clapp, and I know it then. All of them. All of his so-called brothers and sisters. They're not foster kids! They're his goddamn coven!
This is big. This is huge. There's a coven of vampires, and they're living right here in Forks. Suddenly my face twists in horrified comprehension. Dr. Cullen works at the hospital…where the blood bank is! Of course, he's probably been stealing blood and keeping them all alive. That's why he poses as a doctor. I am aghast with the monstrosity of it all. They're always talking about the need for blood drives. Now I know why! Oh, will their perfidy know no bounds?
But as I sit over my Cheerios, I start to settle down. You can't just go around pointing fingers at some pale creep and accusing him of being a vampire. No, Eric, my boy, I tell myself, you are going to have to play it smart. You must gather evidence, like the photographs you took of the van accident, but even better. Then you can spring it on them all at once, and gather the townspeople and maybe stake the bastards.
I think about driving a stake into Edward's chest, what with blood spurting out and everything, and it kinda grosses me out. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to do that, actually. Maybe we could just lock them up instead. We may need to call in the experts. I'll hit the internet after school, for sure. But for now, how to protect myself during the day?
"Eric! What you doing in my refrigerator?" My mom comes around the corner. She speaks English well, but she still has a strong accent. Like I said, old country.
I'm bent over, my head inside the damn thing. "I'm trying to find something," I say, rummaging through the vegetable drawers.
"You want food? I already made you lunch."
"No, Mom, I just need−ah, here it is!" I hold up a plastic bag triumphantly. "Garlic."
"What you want garlic for?" she asks, her hands on her hips.
It occurs to me a small lie might be in order. "Home economics class. I, uh, have to bring in some garlic." There's not much, only a couple of heads in the bag. "Do you have any more?" I ask Mom.
A few minutes later, I am running to the bus stop with the plastic bag of garlic in my backpack. I also have a jar of minced garlic that my mother found in the pantry.
As I ride the bus to school, I break off a couple of cloves and, after a moment of indecision, stuff them in my shirt pocket. The fresh stuff barely has an odor to it, so I open the jar of minced garlic and take a sniff. Whoa, that stuff is potent. But it's for a cause, right? I dab some around my neck, hoping it will do the trick. It dries sticky, and the little bits of garlic chafe under my collar.
My first class is History with Mr. Devin. Emmett is in this class with me, two seats over. He's not here yet, and the rest of the students are milling around. I walk the long way around the edge of the classroom and surreptitiously drop a couple cloves of garlic on the seat that Emmett uses. I take my seat behind Lauren Mallory and start pulling my books out. I'm snickering because I can't wait to see how the big guy will deal with this.
Lauren turns to me with a face that could curdle milk. "Yorkie! What is that smell?" she demands.
I scope out the classroom. "Shhhh. It's protection," I whisper.
"Protection against what? Having to breathe?"
Mr. Devin enters the classroom and sets his books on his desk. "Come on, people. Take your seats."
Lauren immediately raises her hand. "Mr. Devin, I need to move my seat." She glances back at me. "I can't sit here."
"I'm afraid not, Miss Mallory," he says as he turns to the board and starts writing.
Lauren huffs in her seat just as Emmett enters the classroom. I stick my nose in my book and watch him over the edge of the book. He walks to his seat and notices the garlic. Great, I think. I wonder if he'll go up in smoke or melt into a puddle of goo. I am laughing behind the book, waiting for something to happen.
Instead, he picks up a garlic clove in those big meaty fingers and frowns as he looks at it. He looks around, but no one else is watching him, and I duck my head quickly behind my book. He sweeps the cloves on to the floor, and with the side of his foot, kicks them to the wall of the classroom. He takes his seat, pulls out his cell phone and starts texting.
Scratch that plan.
After class is over, we all file out. I'm just at the classroom door when I hear Emmett's voice behind and above me. "Geez, Yorkie, you stink," he says in that big, deep voice. I turn around, and he's standing right next to me. "You smell like Italian food," he says with a distinctly evil smile. "Yum."
I've never made it to English class so fast.
At lunchtime, I get to the cafeteria late because my locker jammed and I am just sitting down with Mike and Ben when I notice Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are sitting together at a table by themselves. They're both kind of leaning forward, talking intensely, their heads bowed together. Cullen is playing with a cap or something.
"When did they start sitting together?" I ask, ripping open my milk carton.
Ben shrugs his shoulder, but Mike answers. "Just now," he says unhappily.
I look over at the other four Cullens. Now that I can see it, I notice they play a bit with their food, but none of them ever actually eat anything. Of course, now that I know what their actual food source is, it makes perfect sense. I sneak another glimpse over my shoulder at Bella and Edward. Time is running out. I'm sure right now he is seducing her, planning to bring her back to his vampire lair and…and…
"Listen, you guys. Did you ever think there was anything weird about the Cullens?" I ask.
They both look at me like I have two heads. "Okay," I concede. "But I mean like really weird?"
Mike snickers. "You mean weirder than boinking your sister?"
"Hey, man," Ben says. "If it was your sister, maybe." I have an older sister, Jennifer, who goes to the community college. Ben has the hots for her. I don't know why. Maybe he just likes stuck-up, bossy bitches.
"Don't be gross," I say.
"Hey, we should get together tonight," Mike says, hijacking the conversation. "I've got the new Starcraft."
"I can't." Ben throws the rest of his sandwich down in disgust. "I have to go to my cousin's baptism tonight."
"That sucks," Mike says. But it starts the wheels turning. Baptism. Water. Holy water. Vampires hate holy water. They hate anything sacred, but it's not like I'm going to run across the Holy Grail.
"Where's the baptism?" I ask.
Ben and Mike exchange a puzzled look. "First Federal."
I turn to Ben. "Can you give me a ride to Saint Margaret's after school?"
"Sure. Why do you need to go to Saint Margaret's?"
"Homework. History." I am going to keep the secret under my hat just a bit longer.
"He's going to turn into a nun," Mike jokes.
"Celibacy," Ben intones. "When you're too ugly to fuck."
I throw my balled up paper at them. "You guys are a laugh riot."
After school Ben takes me to Saint Margaret's. I'm in luck. When I open the door, the church is deserted, and the basin of holy water is sitting unattended in the middle of the entry room. I suddenly realize I have nothing to carry it in. I dig around in my pockets, but the only thing I have is a plastic container of Tic Tacs. I shake out the last six or so on my tongue, and they give me an instant sinus headache. Once the container is empty, I dunk it in the basin and wait until no more bubbles come out. I carefully flip the top back on and run out to where Ben is waiting for me.
"What's that?" Ben asks as I climb into the front seat holding the Tic Tac container upright.
"Holy water?" he asks. "God, glad I'm not in your class."
On Friday, very carefully, I bring the holy water to school with me. I have to figure out who I'm going to spring it on. But almost immediately opportunity presents itself. Alice Cullen is in front of her locker as I enter school and walk down the hallway.
Sneakily, I fish the Tic Tac container out of my pocket. It looks like half of the water has leaked out somehow. Do I just pour the rest on her head or what? I decide to go with the 'or what'. I pour some into my hand and throw the palmful of water at her back. I expect great things, but not what happens next. Instantly she turns around, gasping. "What the h-"
Jasper literally appears out of nowhere. "What is it?"
I'm standing there with the Tic Tac container in my hand. Alice scowls at me. "He threw something at me."
Jasper looks at me with murder in his eyes. I'm dead. I know it. "He did, did he?" he asks redundantly.
"I..I.." is all I manage to get out before he snatches the container out of my hand. He looks at it and then pours the remaining holy water into his hand. Nothing happens.
"What the hell are you doing, Yorkie?" Jasper asks, glaring at me. "Whatever it is, stop it."
I turn around, having absolutely no words at my disposal, and have gone two steps when Jasper shouts "Hey."
I turn around with one hand covering my neck, knowing it will never be enough protection but unable to stop myself.
"Here you go," Jasper says, tossing me the empty Tic Tac container.
"Uh, thanks," I say, like the overwhelmingly suave person that I am. I have gone another two steps before George sees me in the hall. "Hey, Dorkie, what happened to you?" he says pointing to my pants.
That's where the other half of the holy water went. It must have leaked in my pocket on the bus, and I now have a big wet stain on my pants, just to the left of the crotch. It looks like I wet myself.
I walk to my first class, holding my books in front of me while the circle of holy water dries on my pants. FML.
Proving the Cullens are vampires is going to be harder than I thought.
- Chapter 1
- Chapter 2 Where I Begin My Stalking
- Chapter 3 Where I Gather Information
- Chapter 4 Where Secrets Are Revelaed
- Chapter 5 Where Games Are Played
- Chapter 6 Where I Am Confronted
- Chapter 7 Where The Battle Begins
- Chapter 8 Where Things Get Serious
- Chapter 9 Where I Attack
- Chapter 10 Where Allies Are Gained
- Chapter 11 Where We Make A Run For It
- Chapter 12 Where Oaths Are Taken
- Chapter 13 Epilgoue
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- 09 Aug 10
- 19 Dec 10