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Songs of Feeling

Summary:
A random songfic I wanted to write, because I felt like it. Hopefully it's worth reading. I tried to make it different from most of the songfics because I don't generally like them. To "When I'm Gone," by 3 doors down.


Notes:
****** = edward &&&&&& = bella italics are the song lyrics. clearly, i don't own any of this. otherwise, i would be rich!


1. When I'm Gone

Rating 5/5   Word Count 1860   Review this Chapter

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide

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I wish she could see how dangerous I was for her; I, after all, am a creature of darkness, and therefore inherently bad. She never could see that. I had to leave her… There was nothing else I could do to keep her safe. I wish she would be able to see how correct my decision was. Perhaps not at once, but eventually.

Inside, I mourn for what we lost. No matter what happened, she could see through my silly façade like no other human ever had. After being with her, I would always say too much; I never told her all the secrets of this life. I didn’t tell her the pain that came with it. I didn’t tell her what it was like to change, to become a monster, if you will. I didn’t tell her how it felt to watch everyone you ever loved die and not be able to do anything about it. I knew she wouldn’t understand; she saw the good in everything. It was a trait I both loved and hated. I just wish there was a way to protect her that didn’t involve banishing myself from her forever… After all, forever is a very long time to be without the one you love. I should know.

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Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I know he’s out there somewhere. He probably has found a wonderful replacement, which could distract him from whatever he may have felt at leaving. Not that he had actually felt anything akin to pain when he left. He didn’t want me, or need me. He wasn’t constrained by such love, and therefore, he wouldn’t be in pain from leaving me.

Some days I felt as though I was missing something bigger. As if there was something that could get him back to me. And even if there was, I could never keep him. It would be so cruel, and yet so wonderful, to catch even the merest glimpse of him. It seemed, sometimes, as though if I could just reach him, all would be well again. Maybe if I wasn’t so stupid, so mundane, so human….
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


Or maybe I'm just blind...


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Each memory strikes me hard, and they are unfortunately a normal occurrence. They come out of nowhere. I suddenly feel myself remembering that day in the meadow… Even when he could see the meadow’s beauty, I couldn’t. After all, I was a mere human… “Maybe it’s a bit to soon for your eyes.” His velvety voice echoed perfectly in my memory, scorning my pitiful human eyesight. Compared to him, everything about me comes up short. Tears form in my eyes and threat to spill over as the cracks in my heart pull apart painfully. I curl up in the fetal position and let myself break down in the safety of my bedroom.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong

*****************************

I remember each time she hugged me, each time we argued, each time we kissed. Each crystal clear memory is accompanied by the usual flare of thirst. I hate that I thirsted for even the memory of her blood; I wish I could have it under control. Or better yet, I wish I never crossed her path, to keep her out of danger. If only my kind had never existed. She could live a normal life, with normal people. She could love, and marry, and have children. She could grow old with her husband. Although this is what I wish for her, my stone heart aches at the pain of imagining my beauty in the arms of another. Although, as I keep telling myself, she is not mine…

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Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I wish he could still hold a place in his heart for a pitiful and obsessive human girl. Better yet, I wish I could believe he might care for me. I miss everything about him. His crooked smile, and topaz eyes…

No. Stop.

Each time I stray into the land of wishing, and imagining, I have to quickly squash that idea, lest I get the idea that he might still think of me. “If only” and “I wish” are strictly forbidden, and most of the time I do fairly well. However, it’s hard. I cannot stop myself from dreaming sometimes, and that’s the scariest part…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be

********************************

It isn’t that I don’t love her. There are, to be frank, extenuating circumstances. Although I wish it were otherwise, we are of different species. This creates the problem that I have no greater desire than to suck her blood. She deserves more than a pitiful monster who basically stalks her at every turn. I can no more change my essence than she can change the color of her eyes, not that she should change such a beautiful color. I wish I could; if I could make myself human, I would. In a heartbeat. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to get rid of the monster within, so I am stuck wishing, dreaming, wanting a future that is completely unattainable.

********************************


I'll never let you down
Even if I could

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

After all that he has done to me, I will admit I still love him with every fiber of my being. I will keep his family’s secrets, and I will keep the promise that I made at the end of everything. I keep holding on to that desperate hope that he might someday be back, even though he has made his views fairly clear on this point. I will never stop loving him, and I cannot bring myself to even think about disobeying the edict he gave me. I know I shouldn’t want to bring myself harm, as there are others who care about me, but the real reason that I haven’t killed myself yet is and always will be that I promised him I wouldn’t.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


I'd give up everything
If only for your good

********************************

The day I left her, I gave up everything. Literally. My entire being remains with her, regardless of my physical presence. I gave up the only light in my world, the only thing that kept me going. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes, because every single day of my life, I want to go back. I want to stop this pain, this awful bleeding, and return to the only place I feel complete. No, because I know that by staying away I am protecting her. I keep her safe by staying away. Each second ticks by, an eternity of pain, and all I can think of is that I must continue to exile myself from her. She will not be a monster!

********************************


So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

If he were here, he could put all of this right. He’d take me in his cold arms and tell me what a fool I am being, and everything would be normal. People at school would go back to actually enjoying my company. I wouldn’t feel like every minute I am dying a slow and painful death.

Right now, everything is wrong. I’ve alienated everyone I’ve ever cared about, I can’t do anything without being overcome by pain, and he’ll never be back to pick up the pieces. I can’t help but sob, because there is nothing left for me to do…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

*********************************

I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like when she dies. If my soul feels torn into a million pieces now, I know it will be infinitely more when she ceases to exist. When this is true, I plan to end my own existence. If, by some miracle, there is an afterlife for our kind, perhaps I will be able to see her. Even one tiny glimpse of her would be all I could ever need, and that would be all I could ever get. Such a heavenly creature could never end up in Hell; however, I am sure that I will end up in there. No pain they could put me through there could even come close to this…

I wonder what she feels about me now. She probably hates everything about me. I wish, somehow, she could love me. At the same time, she shouldn’t love me, as that would stop her from moving on. Not that it matters. I’ve put myself far from her love, and it no longer extends to me, I’m sure.

*********************************

Love me when I'm gone...

When your education X-Ray
Cannot see under my skin

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I guess, if I want to be honest, I’m still thrilled he could never read my mind. He never had to see the pitiful levels of obsession I stooped to, and he didn’t have to feel guilty about my pain. I know how he is about guilt, and he wouldn’t have been able to move on and do what he had to do if he could see that it hurt me. I would rather have him be happy than myself. Such a beautiful creature has no reason to be sad; he shouldn’t be hampered down by a silly human like me.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


I won't tell you a damn thing
That I could not tell my friends
Roaming through this darkness
I'm alive but I'm alone

************************************

Every night, I feel so alone. I truly am. No family, no friends, no her… Everyone I care about is on a completely different continent. I wish… Oh, I wish. I wish she was here with me, and then nothing else would matter. I spend a lot of time running to try to clear my mind, but nothing could ever distract me from the pain.

************************************


Part of me is fighting this
But part of me is gone

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I try to keep some hope in my mind, so I don’t go crazy. It doesn’t work so well, though. I know most people lately have been questioning my sanity, and I completely understand. I probably would feel the exact same way about myself lately. But if you ever feel true, pure love, and then it is ripped away from you, you will be able to understand….

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


Or maybe I'm just blind...

*******************************

I feel so lost without her. As if I can’t see anything, even with my perfect vision. I have to remind myself that I chose this to protect her. Nothing is more important than her. Not even my pain. It’s so hard, and I wonder if I am somehow missing an easier way. But then I see that I just have to make it, day to day… There is no easier way.

*******************************

Love me when I'm gone...

Love me when I'm gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone
When I'm Gone