Pain of Mating
Mating isn't always easy. It isn't always simple. Sometimes it is complicated. Sometimes there is hate and anger as well as love and need.
2. Chapter 2
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Disclaimer – I own nothing of the Twilight world. I am merely borrowing them.
Chapter Two: Small Olive Branches
I return to the bedroom which the vampires had told me was mine and curl up on the window seat and look out of the window, staring at the woods. I have never felt so alone and so angry in all my life. I can't believe the situation I am in. It feels like a nightmare yet its not. Its real. I have no life. I am trapped in this house in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of vampires, one of whom believes I am his mate. I know he is right. I am his mate, I can feel a distant pull towards him but that is all. No lust, no love, no passion, no desire, no affection, hell I don’t even like him. All I feel is anger and hatred towards all of them, well except Rosalie. She, I can understand. She didn't try to stop them – although I don't know if she would have been able to even she had tried – but I know she was telling me the truth and I can just tell that she had probably at least vocalised her disagreement and that somehow endears her to me. She wont release me, hell where would I go even if she did? I don't even exist anymore! Plus I know that if I ran, they would drag me back, they made that clear. But at least I know there is one vampire in this house that sees me as a person and more than just Jasper's mate, his possession.
Over the next four days I barely move. I ignore everyone. Esme pops her head in from time to time with food and I just nod and ignore her until she goes away. The rest come in from time to time as well – except Jasper. They all come in and talk me and try and get me to open up or bond or accept but I just stare at them until they go away and eventually they all do. Jasper is always close. He doesn't come in my room or talk to me but I know he is close, monitoring, waiting, watching. I can feel him.
Its been five days now since I woke and I know I cannot go on like this. I don't know how I am ever going to survive, let alone be happy but I know I have to try and live. I don't have any options – I can't escape, I can't fight them and I can't kill myself because one of them would get to me before I succeeded and then they would never leave my side and I'd be even more miserable than before. So I have to try and live. But how? The idea of just giving in and being Jasper's mate makes me feel sick. As does the idea of playing happy families with the rest of the blood suckers. So where to start? How to begin my new life? I stand up from the window seat and look around me. The room is large with an en-suite bathroom. The walls are white and it has large wrought iron bed, and white wooden furniture; a dressing table with mirror and stool, a desk and black leather office chair, a chest of drawers, a bed side table and four tall floor to ceiling bookcases. Everything is empty. I have nothing. I have been wearing clothing that Alice put in my room – its slightly large so I think its probably Roses'. As I look around my room, for the first time I feel something other anger, hatred and sadness. I feel longing. I wish I had my things; I wish I had my own clothes and my mementos. I wish I had books and a laptop and just anything to make me feel comfortable. I sit and think. I know that family is important to these vampires and a small part of me is sorry for the fact that they are sad because of me. If I really can never leave or escape then I am going to be around them for a very long time; forever perhaps if Jasper has his way. I am going to have to try and have relationships with them all. But how do I get past my pain? The answer comes to me in my fathers voice “slow and steady Bells, just take it slow and steady”, is what he always use to say. I miss my daddy so much and quickly I realise that he would have wanted me to live and be happy and I owe it to him to at least try. So, I'm going to do what he always use to advise. Slow and steady. I will approach each vamp individually and ask them for something small, or ask their help in something. Small, steady steps. Small olive branches.
The house is beyond depressing. Everyone's heart is breaking. I honestly don't know how much more any of us can take. Suddenly I hear Bella's door open and I hear her take one step out.
“Rosalie? Can I speak to you please?” I am surprised and quickly exchange shocked glances with Emmett, Peter and Carlisle, who are sitting in the living room with me. Quickly I answer,
“Coming Bella” and run up the stairs, fast but not too fast so I don't scare Bella. Bella is standing in her doorway and is trembling slightly,
“Bella? Are you ok?” I ask gently. Bella raises her head to look up at me and then briefly closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. The trembling steadies slightly. She is preparing herself for something, she is nervous but trying to be brave I realise and this makes me respect her even more.
“Yes I think so anyway' her voice is a little shaky 'I was hoping that you would do a favour for me?” she asks quietly in a whisper, I am surprised but eagerly reply,
“Anything” I promise
“Well, there are some things that I need to do and I'm a little nervous and scared even though I know I need to do them. So I was hoping you could stay with me the whole time and support me?” I can't help but raise an eyebrow in surprise and she rushes to explain
“Its just, I feel more comfortable around you than the others and I really could do with someone I can lean on so to speak and I hoped you might be willing?” Her eyes tell me she is worried I will refuse, she couldn't be more wrong. I don't know what she needs to do but have a feeling that whatever it is very important and by the fact the whole family have now gone silent and are tensed and ready – although Bella can't hear this – I think they know that whatever Bella has decided to do could affect us all as well.
“I'll happily help you Bella. I'm honoured you asked. I won't leave your side until you tell me to and if you need anything just ask”. She breathes a sigh of relief at my words
“So what first?” I ask.
“I need to see Alice” she responds. I'm surprised but nod.
“She's in her room, I'll take you” I lead her and after knocking and Alice's quick and eager 'come in' we enter. I watch as Bella quickly takes in the room and exchange a puzzled look with Alice when we notice that Bella takes in all of Alice's clothes and accessories and smiles a small smug smile before letting out another sigh of relief. I along with the rest of the house wait curious for Bella to say whatever she needs to say,
“Alice, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was hoping I could ask you for a small favour” her words are scared and unsure but determined at the same time. Alice for a second looks ready to bounce and rush towards but I catch her eye and shake my head, mouthing 'take it easy' at her. I think I have caught on to what Bella intends to do. She is going to try and connect with us. She doesn't want to but she's decided to try and that’s incredible but we are going to have to take it slow. Bella has taken the brave first step and I am determined to help her in any way I can. I hear Edward murmur 'I think you right Rose' having read my thoughts and he quickly says my theory aloud. Everyone agrees that it makes sense and I can practically feel their excitement. Each wondering what Bella's gesture to them might be. Alice nods at me understanding what I said to take it easy and a lot calmer than normal she tells Bella that she can ask her anything, Bella takes a deep breath
“Well, I have been wearing borrowed clothing and as must as I appreciate it, erm... it would be nice to have some clothes of my own.' Smart Bella, I think. She is trying to connect with Alice on her level 'So I was hoping that you might be willing to get me some new clothes because I remember someone saying that you loved clothes and shopping so maybe you could help me?” she really struggles asking for things, I can hear it in her voice. She is independent and hates asking for things but it clearly willing to do something she hates to try and make life better. Brave little human. Again I hear Edward repeating my thoughts and everyone agreeing. Alice' s face is full of happiness at Bella's gesture and hope
“I would love to Bella. Is there anything in particular you would like?” This is new, Alice usually just picks what she thinks we should wear but I think this is her way of trying to connect with Bella
“Not really, I need everything or just basics I guess to start? Although I've never really been a skirt and heels kind of a girl, I like comfort.”
“Ok no problem, favourite colour?” Alice asks trying to keep the conversation going,
“Erm, blue, brown or green I suppose” Bella is looking even more uncomfortable more, I think it might be time to move on, I step forward and place myself closer to Bella, she looks at me and smiles slightly. Alice gets another question in,
“Any favourite brands?” somehow this gets a surprised chuckle from Bella and me and Alice exchange a happy smile,
“I use to really love converse” Bella smiles, Alice nods,
“No problem” Bella nods and then looks at me pleadingly
“Shall we move on?” I ask, giving her the out she needs,
“Yes, we should. Thanks Alice” she gives Alice a shaky smile before quickly exiting the room. I follow her and find her leaning against the hallway wall with her eyes closed.
“You've guessed what I'm trying to do haven't you?” she asks without opening her eyes,
“Yes” I say, she opens her eyes and looks at me with a face that is clearly begging for help,
“Who should I do next?” She asks I quickly think through the family and try to think who would will be the easiest for her,
“How about Carlisle?” I ask, she looks distant, clearly thinking for a second and then nods
“Yes, perfect.” I hear him move into his office, obviously wanted to give her the chance to speak to him on his own, not overwhelm her with lots of other family members.
We go downstairs and I direct her to his office. Bella looks a lot more confident and comfortable this time around and I wonder why. She knock and when she hears his welcome she walks in,
“Rosalie, Bella, what can I do for you?”
“I was hoping I could ask you something Dr Cullen”
“Of course Bella, anything and please feel free to call me Carlisle if you wish”
“Thank you, well I actually need some medical help” At this I hear a growl and Peter and Emmett holding Jasper back who is desperate to crash in her and protect is his mate who he now thinks is ill in some way, I have to admit I too am now concerned.
I know my son is beside himself and I can feel the concern of the rest of the family, all wondering why Bella may need Medical help.
“Of course Bella what can I help you with?”
“Well, when I was taken, I mean when I came to live here” I see Rosalie cringe when Bella says she was taken and while I know the phrase is accurate I appreciate her effort to re-word it
“I understand what you mean Bella” I rush to reassure the stuttering girl
“Well when I came here I didn't bring any of my medications with me and I know I should have mentioned it sooner but I really do need them” I exchange a worried glance with Rosalie and notice that she steps forward and places a comforting hand of Bella's shoulder
“Ok, well what do you need Bella?” She takes a deep breath,
“Well I suffer from serious migraines and take a speciality painkiller and could definitely do with that – my head is killing me lately!” she tries to joke but I know the family is just going to hate itself even more, Bella has been suffering because we didn't think she grab her medications
“I also need a prescription for my birth control, I take it to ease my period pains, I suffer a lot with them' she blushes at this, obviously embarrassed
'Plus I also have anaemia so could probably do with an iron supplement” She takes a deep breath, clearly revealed to have gotten that all out and I am pleased she made the effort to talk to me, to ask me to help her.
“Ok well I will get those organised for you right away Bella”
“Thank you very much Dr Cullen” I nod but notice sadly that she doesn't seem comfortable enough to call me by my name. Someday soon hopefully.
Clearly uncomfortable now her task is complete she looks to Rosalie,
“Sure, She's in the garden” Rose takes Bella by the arm and gently leads her out. I quickly head to the living room where the family are gathered. Jasper is still being held back by Peter and Emmett, fighting his instinct to go to his mate and check her over. Alice looks at me with large sad and worried eyes,
“Is she ok?”
“Yes, I don't think she even sees it as something to worry about if I'm honest. I think she is use to the slight problems and deals with them”
“But they do cause her pain?” Charlotte asks
“Yes they do' I respond honestly 'The migraines in particular are very painful and without being controlled period pains can be crippling. The anaemia wont cause pain so much as a feeling of weakness and to be honest if she hadn't of approached me today she may well have started to suffer more in the next day or so but she did approach me and now we can make sure she has everything she needs”
“Yes but she shouldn't have had to come to you. She certainly didn't want to, I can feel her embarrassment. I should have known. I should have thought. I should be making sure she has everything she needs but instead I fail, I make her suffer” Jasper rails, his self-hatred at a peak. Finally Edward squats down in front of him,
“Jasper, shut up and listen to you mate. Listen to what she is doing' we all shut up at that point and listen as Bella speaks to Esme and cautiously and carefully asks if she could maybe have her room painted a pale blue and then surprisingly asks if she could have a cactus and some flowers in her room. We listen to Esme's joy and and warm agreement
'Rose is telling me how tense and nervous Bella is but she is trying. She is determined to try and live and connect with each of us which means she will try to connect with you too, all is not lost bro you just have to take it slowly”
“Eddie's right Jazz, Bella is trying, for whatever reason, she is trying. We have to try to.” Emmett rushes to add his reassurance
“Bella has nothing Jazz, she is going to need help to get the things she needs and we can use that to help her connect to us” Charlotte tells him.
“Ok guys we need to disperse, Rose is going to bring Bella back and we don't want to overwhelm her with everyone at once.” Edward tells us and quickly I move to my office, Alice goes to her room, Peter and Charlotte move to the kitchen, whilst Jasper goes to his room and Edward and Emmett remain in the living room.
It seems I am next. My own mating pull tells me that my Rosie is aiming for me. I am suddenly very nervous. All I want is for Bella to be my sister. I watch as Rose and Bella stop in the doorway and Bella looks terrified. Very quietly she begins to whisper to Rose. Being a vampire I hear every word but pretend I don't
“I don't know what to ask him for Rose, I don't know what he could help me with” she sounds panicked. I am touched in a way, she wants to connect even if she doesn't know how. I send a small smile to my Rosie, she quickly replies to Bella
“Relax Bella I am here and trust me my monkey man will be happy to help you in anyway. He does love computers and technology though”
“But I don't have any money to buy any expensive technical equipment”
“Remember what Carlisle said to you five days ago though Bella, you are Cullen now. You have lots of money both as a Cullen and as Jasper's mate. You just say what you want and we will arrange the rest” Bella looks uncomfortable but resigned at this. Money talk clearly makes her feel awkward
“Ok” she sighs and then moves towards me. Edward I notice is pretending to read whilst actually watching the whole scene unfold.
“Hi Bella, what can I do for you?”
“Well Rose says you like computers so I was thinking maybe you could help me get a computer, it doesn't have to be anything fancy but I would really like to have one again” she’s rambling so I quickly rush to interrupt
“No problem Bella, in fact I can help you with all you technical needs! So how about a printer? Digital camera? Scanner? Tv? DVD? MP3 Player? CD player?”
“Wow, well that would all be great but not the CD Player. I prefer records. I use to have a record player and great collection of records and I think having a CD player would just make me miss them even more” I'm glad she's opened up but she sounds so sad and I am hit by the enormity of what we have done, we have taken away everything she loved and liked.
“I can sort you out with a record player and records Bella if you like?” Peter asks, leaning against the doorway to the kitchen. Bella looks very wary and surprised, I get the feeling she has more of a problem with Peter than the rest of us. She sighs and looks at Rose questioningly, Rose sees Peter's eager and hopeful face and nods, Bella takes a deep breath before looking at Peter and responding,
“That would be great, thank you Peter” her response to him is cool but polite. Edward takes this as his que to pipe up and puts his book aside, leaning forward
“What about me Bella? Is there anything I can help you with?” She looks at him and smiles a little more warmly,
“Books” she responds simply. He grins at her
“No problem, I'll get a good selection to get you started”
“Thank you” She nods. She then stands and looks to Rose,
“Charlotte?” she asks
“Charlotte” Rose nods
Bella walks into the kitchen with Rose standing protectively next to her. I smile as warmly as possible,
“What can I help you with sugar?”
“Well this is a bit weird and may be difficult” Bella starts biting her lip
“Whatever it is I promise I will sort it” I reassure her,
“Well in Port Angeles, near Forks there is a little independent bath store. They sell all kinds of bath goods and candles and they don't have an online shop of anything and I know its really far away so I don’t expect you to go there its just I hoped you may be able to track down products similar to the ones I like? It may sound weird but I just feel that if I have things that are familiar and comforting like the cosmetic and bath products I use then I might feel more at home and more relaxed here” I smile sympathetically at her. That actually makes perfect sense and if it will help her I'll go to Port Angeles right now and buy the shop out.
“Its not weird Bella” Rose rushes to reassure her
“Rose is right Bella, it makes total sense and don't you worry I will get you those products. Now which scents do you like?” I ask
“I like the strawberry and lavender scents, I tend to alternate between the two but honestly I love all their products” she tells me, I nod and mentally start making lists. Bella thanks me and then walks out.
We are once again upstairs and Bella turns to look at me.
“I think I should speak to Jasper alone” I nod, understanding the awkwardness
“Ok, if you need me for anything call my name and when you finished if you want to be alone just head to the spare room next to Alice's, Esme is painting yours at the moment” She nods and then surprises me by hugging me
“Thank you for helping me Rose” she whispers,
“You very welcome Bella” I whisper back and then turn and go to find my mate.
Finally it is my turn. My beautiful and brave mate is going to speak to me. I have paced and stewed as I have listened to her speak to everyone else. Wishing at everyone moment that it was me she was turning to for help. Whatever she wants though I am determined she will have. I will allow my family to provide the things she has asked for as it helps build a connection but from now on I want, no I need, to be the one to provide for my mate. There is no other option. I have to provide for my mate, my demon screams in agreement. She knocks at the door,
“Come in” she steps in and I can feel a maelstrom of emotions; anger, hatred, sadness, nervousness, fear, determination, resignation and hope. The hope is enough to lift my spirits slightly. Visually I drink her in. She is so beautiful, even as pale and fragile as she currently looks and in clothes too big and not fitted she is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
“Hello Jasper” she whispers
“Hello Bella” I ache with a need to touch her, to love her in every way possible. She chews at her lower a lip and my cock stirs immediately, my brain is suddenly full of images involving that full and pouty lower lip; the lip wrapped around my cock as Bella sucks me off on her knees, Bella clawing at her lower lip in sexual frustration as I tease and torment her pussy with my tongue, the lower lip jutting out as she moans and screams as I fuck her from behind and that lip meeting my lip in every type of kiss imaginable, sweet, hot, gentle, rough. I have never wanted any woman the way I want this woman.
“There is a chest. It has been in the swan family for generations. It is large and wooden with carvings of flowers all over it. If there is just one thing I could have, just one thing I could bring from my old life into this new life, it would be that chest. Is there anyway you can try and get it for me Jasper?” she asks me and her eyes are full of un-shed tears. Whatever is in that chest means everything to her and she desperately wants it. And she is asking me, her mate for it. I feel anger that she is sad and self-hatred because I know I have caused her sadness but at the same time I feel deep happiness because my beautiful mate is asking me for something. Suddenly for the first time in days I have hope. I will get her chest and I will prove to her that she can rely on me and that I will love her and provide for her and protect her and make her happy. Before I know what I am doing I stride over to her and cup her face in my hands. She is startled and her fear spikes, but I simply use my thumbs to wipe away her stray tears and gently whisper,
“I will get you your chest my darling, I promise you” the moment between us is charged, skin to skin contact making the mating pull burn and fizzle between us, I am desperate to kiss her but before I can she whispers a thank you and then yanks herself away from me and flees to the spare room.