Testing the Waters (Revised)
It has been a little over a year since Edward has left and Bella has MOVED on, or so she thinks. She is running from any form of true love, and running to any available guy. This means even pushing away Jacob. But after a shocking turn of events, Bella is forced to come to terms with the fact the Edward is gone and she is not over him. Based on Katy Perry's song "Thinking of You" BXJ BXOC BXE No smut or lemons, but it is insinuated.
How do I get better Once I've had the best You said there's Tons of fish in the water So the waters I will test He kissed my lips I taste your mouth He pulled me in I was disgusted with myself Cause when I'm with Him I'm thinking of you What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes "Thinking of You" By Katy Perry Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story since Stephenie Meyers made them. I also do not own the lyrics to "Thinking of You". They belong to Katy Perry.
2. I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
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While I drove to the hospital, I couldn't help but reflect on the last time I was in Forks.
It was the end of my senior year. Summer had finally begun. Jacob Black and I had been together since spring break. Our relationship was easy and carefree. We spent our days hanging out at each others houses or simply walking hand in hand at First Beach.
Victoria was defeated thanks to the pack of werewolves that occupied the reservation. This particular night, Jake and I lounged on the Beach gazing at the stars which was a rare sight in normally overcast Forks. I was laying across my personal werewolf. His strong warm arms were wrapped around me shielding the cool nighttime breeze. My head was resting on his chiseled chest and my legs were curled in a ball nuzzled into his side to take in the maximum amount of his insane body heat. I let out a soft sigh. I was content like this. My own space heater. A soft breeze made my long hair whip around my face. Jake tightened his hold and kissed my hair.
"You're so beautiful,"he whispered in my ear.
His warm breath tingled against my ear as his lips lingered there. Chills ran up my body.
I rolled over to kiss the closest part of him next to my lips. I journeyed up his mountainous shoulders with my lips until I found the peak, his soft pink lips. I kissed them lightly and whispered in between kisses, "You too, soft of."
He laughed at our private joke. He had never let me live down the fact that I had once said he was "sort of beautiful." His deep chuckle caused his body to vibrate underneath me. He kissed me back with understated passion. After a few minutes of his delicate kisses, he stopped and stared into my eyes with a look of deep concentration. The look was a mix of uncertainty and devotion. In that moment I lost track of time. I forgot my own name. All I knew was if Jake were to leave me I wouldn't be able to go on. My already broken heart could not break anymore.
After he had stared at me adoringly, he said the words that brought me back to the real world.
"I love you, Bella," he spoke while staring into the depths of my soul.
I stiffened when I heard those words. The last time someone said that to me, he left and took my heart withhim. He took my heart and my love and smashed it. Every dream I had, every beautiful moment I had with himwas shattered. Those three words became a curse, not a blessing once he added four more words to them - I don't want you.
When Jacob had told me he loved me, it had brought all the scenes back to the viewing screen of my mind only this time it was worse because I didn't want any of those scenes to reoccur with a new leading man. I had to place some kind of hold on Jacob so that he would not leave. The only thing that he and I had never attempted might keep Jake with me.
I threw myself at him and started kissing him with all the passion I could muster. He surprised underneath me since I had never kissed him like that before, but he soon matched my intensity. My arms were locked around his neck and my fingers were clenched in his hair. I straddled him and kept him pinned on the ground. I then began to move hands up and down his bare chest. I moved my hands further down until they were trailing the top of his pants. I started to unbutton his pants to make my intentions clear. He let out a moan and griped my hands together in his.
"Bella, no. We can't do this yet. We're not ready. You're not ready," he said in a jagged breath. He had put an emphasis on the last part.
I immediately had pulled myself off of him and turned away. I willed myself not to cry in front of him, yet the hot tears were already flowing down my face that had to be redder than a sun riped tomato. He then sat up too and tried to embrace me, but I shook his arms off.
"What's the matter Bells? Why are you crying?" he said in a concerned but perplexed tone. He truly sounded worried about me. Typical Jake. But I couldn't let him win. The gaping hole inside of me was starting to hurt. I had to have him with me.
"How do you know I'm not ready?!" I shrieked at him. "You say I'm not ready for this, but you think I'm ready for you to say I love you?!" I was on my knees then trembling in front of him with the intensity of my pain which was making me irrationally angry.
"Bella. I meant what I said. I love you more than anything in the world! You should know this by now! I want to do this with you, but I know you are not ready because you're not over him." he spoke with passion yet sad eyes.
"I am trying! I really am trying to get over him. That's why I want to do this with you! I AM READY!"
"That's why we will not do this. When we make love, I want you to be completely over him, not doing it to get over him. It will only end up hurting us both if we do it before then," Jacob said with complete assurance in what he had explained.
This is when the voices in my head started to debate. One voice completely agreed with him, while another voice was still shriveled up in the pain of rejection. But there was a new voice that I had never heard before. This voice was not going to let down. It needed the assurance that I would not be left again. This voice, which was growing louder and more aggressive, decided that I absolutely had to get this assurance or I would get hurt again. It was not going to let that happen to me again.
During my wavering, Jacob had tried again to pull me in his arms, but I pulled away with so much force that his eyes went wide in surprise.
"I love you Bella. I want you to love me too." He whispered and hung his head. He sounded so vulnerable and afraid.
The voices had begun again. One voice said, "Go into his arms and tell him you love him too," while another voice whispered, "What about him?Don't you still love him?" But I listened to the new voice that was demanding dominance in my life. It boomed, "The only leaving that is going to happen is going to be YOU! Run before he leaves you too."
I jumped to my feet and yelled right in his face.
"DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT JACOB BLACK! YOU SAY I LOVE YOU NOW, BUT THEN YOU WILL LEAVE ME TOO! WELL, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU AND LEAVE BEFORE YOU DON'T WANT ME EITHER!!!"
"Bella! You don't believe th-,"Jacob had started to say as not only his hands trembled, but his voice too.
I wouldn't let him finish. I took off running to my truck. I had so much adrenaline in me that I had hardly tripped over the bumpy surface. I finally reached my truck. I threw the door open and jumped inside. My hand was shaking so badly that I dropped my keys twice while trying to start the engine. It roared to life on the third attempt. I had thrust the gear into reverse and pulled out when I realized that Jacob had not caught up with me. I glanced in my rear view mirror and saw a reddish brown wolf racing to the forest and denim cloth scattered along the beach.
Unwanted. Unwanted. Unwanted. Unwanted.
That was the statement that was playing in loop in my mind. The road was becoming a blur as my tears poured down my face. I didn't know where I was driving to. I couldn't go home and let Charlie see me like this. He would think that I was going insane again. In a way, I was going insane. However, I wasn't going back to my previous catatonic state. Instead I was going in a new sort of frenzy. This insanity was making me want to prove that I could be wanted and desirable. There was no possible way that someone could be as unwanted and unloved as I was feeling. It was impossible.
The aggressive voice from before started to shout again.
"Honestly Bella! You need to snap out of it! Show Jacob what he's missing. Show himwhat he left behind. Show the world that Bella Swan is desirable to humans too, not just mythical creatures!"
A plan had begun to formulate in my brain. I needed to find someone who wanted me. Someone who would give me what I wanted. As I drove through Forks, I spotted the diner where everyone hung out from school. I pulled into the first available spot and cut the engine. I looked into my mirror and almost backed out of my plan when I saw my reflection. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. My hair was windblown, and my clothes were disheveled.
Yes, I am very desirable looking like this! I thought sarcastically to myself and let a sound that was a cross between a grunt and a laugh.
I fished through my purse and found the small compact of powder Renee had given me for graduation. She also had given me mascara, which I didn't even use back then. I powdered my face in a swift aggressive movement. I then cloaked my eyelashes with mascara. I looked in the mirror and saw that I looked better, but my eyes were still a little red. I sucked in a deep breath and opened my truck door.
The diner was packed with people I recognized from school. My eyes were scanning the crowd for someone I at least talked to on a daily basis, when I spotted Tyler Crowley sitting with a group of various popular people. At that moment he saw me and waved me over to his table. My instincts were telling me to turn around and run out as fast as I could, but my new nature was compelling me forward.
"Don't run away now! This is exactly what you need. He wants you. Look at that smile!" the voice inside of me squealed in delight.
I lifted my shoulders, forced a smile on my face, and pushed forward to my target. I walked confidently forward. I was surprised on how gracefully I was walking, when my body crashed my hopes. My foot got caught on the edge of someone's chair sending me falling forward into Tyler's lap!
"Whoa! Hey there Bella!" Tyler laughed as he held me in his arms. He looked like he waiting for me to blush and run away.
I couldn't turn into shy Bella now. This would put him in control. I had to be the one in control. I then quickly thought about what those seductive girls in cheesy teen movies would say.
"Perfect landing," I said as seductively as I could. I batted my eyelashes for the added effect. It must have worked, because Tyler's eyes went wide and he then blushed.
"Uh...yeah...sure...I mean...yeah," Tyler stuttered and looked away in embarrassment.
The table erupted in laughter at Tyler's lack of coherent thought. I then got out of his lap and sat in the booth next to him. I noticed that other six people in the booth were mostly boys. I recognized one of them as Conner, Lauren's on again off again boyfriend. The others were all the athletic type that normally ignored me at school. The only other girls were two juniors, but I couldn't remember their names. They were busy flirting with the boys they were sitting next to. I took note of the way they would giggle and flip their hair when one the boys would say something funny.
I incorporated their skills when Tyler would tell me a lame joke or a pointless story. I let my hand rest on his shoulder and acted like I was only interested in what he was saying and nothing else. If I wanted to say something to him I would lean into him and let my hair fall into his face. I felt ridiculous, but Tyler ate up every pathetic attempt of flirting I dished out.
The diner was about to close, when Tyler said everyone could come back to his house since his parents were out of town. He had made a point of directing his words more to me than to everyone else.
Most of the others had other plans, so that left me.
"So, do you want to come over Bella?" he said as he faced me in the parking lot. " I just got Quantum of Solace on DVD. We could watch that if you want to..." he continued to ramble on about the movie, but I was sidetracked by a large russet skinned man leaning against his car.
Jacob's arms were crossed over his chest while his lips were pressed in a hard line. His face had the calm mask of detachment except for his eyes which were narrowed at Tyler. My thoughts were warring against each other. I wanted to run to Jacob and forget about everything that happened tonight. I knew that if I went with Tyler everything would change.
"Come on Bella. Remember who wants you and who doesn't," the driving voice in my head hissed.
I then knew what I had to do. Everything inside of me was screaming not to except for the most powerful voice that drowned out the others.
I placed my hands on Tyler's shoulders, pulled him close, and then kissed him firmly on the lips.
"I can think of something else I rather do," I whispered and then winked at him.
Tyler's eyes went wide and a large grin spread across his face.
"Uh...yeah...I'm ga-game," Tyler sputtered.
I glanced back at Jacob. His eyes were bugged out of his head and his whole figure was visibly shacking. For a split second, I thought he might phase and rip Tyler's head off. But, instead he ran into the thick grove of trees that edged near the diner. Part of me wanted to fling myself in front of an oncoming train for being such a inconsiderate jerk, but my new way of thinking crushed that plan.
Tyler then escorted me to his car. That night,as we pulled out of the diner parking lot, the fragments of the girl I once had been was left scattered along the asphalt.
The next morning began the downward spiral my life had turned into. I woke up at Tyler's house laying in his bed with our clothes strewn all over his room. I didn't remember much of what had occurred, but the empty condom wrapper confirmed my suspicions. I glanced at the clock and realized that I had never gone home last night. I knew Charlie would be fuming, so I quickly put my clothes back on. I was about to leave when I remembered that Tyler had driven me to his house. I woke him up and demanded that he take me to my truck immediately.
The whole ride to the diner he kept grinning to himself and glancing over at me. I was revulsed. The fact that I had lost my virginity to him made everything much worse. When we finally arrived at the diner, I noticed that my truck was no longer there. I told him to just let me walk home, but he insisted on driving me home.
As we pulled up to my house, I saw my truck parked in the driveway. Charlie must have gotten it from the diner. Right on cue, he burst through the door and bounded down the steps.
Crap. I thought to myself.
"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!!! GET OUT HERE THIS SECOND!!!" Charlie was bright red and fuming as he yelled at me.
"I guess that's my cue to leave," I said while I grimaced at Charlie.
"Okay. I'll call you later then," Tyler smiled and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.
"Don't. I'll just see you around town or something," I patted his hand, then got out of the car to face Charlie.
I strode pass Charlie and went into the house without even acknowledging his presence. I went into the kitchen and got out a soda. I opened the can, took a sip, and looked up at Charlie who was turning purple in the doorway.
"Yes?" I asked in a uninterested tone. I knew Charlie did not deserve this kind of attitude, but my new attitude was in charge.
"WHAT...HOW...WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO ACT like THAT YOUNG LADY?!!"
He sputtered and threw his hands in the air. "Do you have any idea how worried I was about you? You didn't call or anything! I called Billy to see if he knew where you and Jake were, and he said Jake was asleep in his room! I called everyone of your friends, all of which hadn't seen you since graduation. I drove all over town and then I saw your truck parked at the diner! I would have filed a missing person report, but Jacob showed up and said you went home with someone. I took you truck home thinking you were at a friend's house and would call later. But then, this morning when I heard a car pull up I saw you were with TYLER CROWLEY! DID YOU SPEND THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE?!" Charlie never spoke like this to me. I was so annoyed that I didn't even care that he had spent the night worrying about me.
"So what if I did?! I'm 18 now. Who cares where I slept last night!" I shouted at him. I smashed the can on the counter and ran up the stairs to my room. But Charlie was right behind me.
"Bella! What is going on?! One minute you and Jake are the perfect couple and the next you're coming home with TYLER CROWLEY! You gotta explain this one to me. What happened between you and Jake?" Charlie asked much calmer then. His face was its normal coloring and he was sitting at my desk. His elbows were propped on his knees, while his brow was furrowed waiting for an explanation for my erratic behavior.
"There is no Jake and me anymore! If I want to be with someone else, then I will be with someone else!" I threw myself on the bed and buried my head in my pillow. I thought this would throw Charlie since he hated emotional outbursts, so I was surprised when he sat on my bed and placed his hand on my back.
"I think you are confused, Bells," he said in an awkward yet soothing voice. "Jake cares about you. You should have seen his face when he met me at the diner. He was really torn up about something."
I knew that I had hurt Jake deeply, but I want to think about that. I was done letting boys play on my emotions to get what they wanted. I was going to be the one in control from now on.
"Dad, Jake and I are over! I'm moving on and I'm done with this conversation! I'm sorry that I didn't call last night, but I'm eighteen now and going to college in a few weeks. You really don't have a say in my love life anymore." I jumped off the bed, grabbed some clothes and headed to the shower.
I left Charlie speechless and sitting on my bed with his mouth wide open.
The sound of a horn blowing pulled me out of my reverie. I realized that the light I was at had turned green. I pressed the gas and pulled forward. Nothing on this road had changed since I had last driven on the opposite side leaving everything behind. The scenery was still exactly the same. The roads were still slick from the never-ending rainfall. The lush green forest still loomed on either side of the streets as my truck chugged by. I passed the Newton's Sporting Goods store. I was back in Forks.
I couldn't help but think about how different I was from my first day here. In college, I had become the typical wild party girl stereotype. I went to so many parties that I had to get a Blackberry to keep track of all them. I had become a professional partier. I drank enough to get me buzzed, but never to get drunk. I never wanted to lose my control.
I was confident, independent, and outgoing. I even looked different. I was still thin, but now I was toned. I had dyed my hair to a golden blonde color, but I still kept my hair long and wavy. I didn't want to look in a mirror and remember what I used to be - naive, shy, and insecure Bella.
I saw the hospital then, and remembered why I was here. Charlie was in the hospital and I had not even seen him since I left Forks. We spoke occasionally on the phone, but still I hadn't been there for him. I started to feel scared that I might lose him. I shook that thought from my head and looked in the mirror to make sure my makeup was in check.
I opened my door and stepped out into the harsh November wind.
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