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Frustration and Fantasy

Summary:
Written for the livejournal group twilightathon the prompt was "An angsty Jasper". This is my take on Jasper, let me know what you think.


Notes:
Jasper deals with his temptations. Borders in smut in one scene but isn't quite there. Gratuitous use of the word 'blood'.


1. Frustration and Fantasy

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2094   Review this Chapter

I sat alone in the room I shared with Alice staring at the ceiling and trying to make my mind go blank. That’s what Alice had told me to do whenever I was feeling ‘conflicted’. Conflicted was a serious understatement. The rest of them didn’t get the way I did, didn’t feel the same desire and urge to feed that I did. It’s not that my willpower was so much more undeveloped than theirs, or that I enjoyed the taste of blood more. It was nothing like that. It was how I’d been changed and how I’d begun my second life that really made all the difference.

Most of the other members of the family had been created and ‘raised’ in Carlisle’s special dietary plan in which no human blood is consumed. Of course there are always a few exceptions, rebellions… and a few mistakes, but in general, none of the other members of my family had ever really lived off of human blood for an extended period of time. No one except me.

My past was drenched with blood. Blood of innocents, blood of the guilty, and the blood of war stained my memory and tainted my present. Even my life had been bloody as I had lived in the time of the civil war. It was constant torment to live so close to humans all the time. To sit in a stuffy enclosed room with up to 20 humans at a time was my own personal torture, my purgatory. The others call it school.

Some might wonder why I do this, why I would put myself through this masochistic hell day in, day out. Temptation lay thick in the atmosphere at every turn and it was only a matter of time before I would break, before I would give in to every dark desire I fantasized about. Though I looked lean in frame to the eye, I was a machine and a fighter beneath the surface and the knowledge I could take down an entire school, drain whomever I wanted, only added to the pain.

Unfortunately, no matter how much I hated testing my restraint and denying my thirst, for her I would do anything. For Alice I would walk the earth for all eternity without eating a thing, without rest. There were no boundaries or limits to my love and what I would do for her, what I would endure for her. There were no words to explain the depth of my devotion – even love didn’t seem an appropriate word. Love was a word that was thrown around often until it was almost meaningless. What we shared was deeper.

Alice fascinated me, truly. She wasn’t changed by Carlisle and brought up on his diet, and yet she had always refrained from drinking human blood. This was not a statement to take lightly either. No thirst is more intense and more overwhelming than the thirst of a newly born vampire. It is all consuming and it reduces the bearer of the thirst to nothing more than pure animalistic instinct. The thrill of the increased senses, the power surging through every stone-like limb, the eyesight so clear it put eagles to shame… it was all so intense that you could not help but run wild. Not Alice though, she was different. She felt the thirst, the same as we all did, but she denied it. I think that she had somehow seen what would happen to her and knew that she’d find Carlisle. She’d known the shame and the guilt that came when one fed on the blood of the innocent and she’d known that that would never be the life for her. It was like she had somehow managed to hold on to her humanity and held a deep compassion for them even though they had turned their back to her. She had had no one to guide her in her newly changed form. We’d found out later what had happened, that her sire had been murdered the night he had changed her, but still, alone in the world, Alice had conquered her desire and had set out on a quest for others like herself.

That’s how she had found me. I had left my coven, depressed with the life I led. Though I craved human blood, and still do to this day, I knew that it was wrong and the guilt weighed heavily upon me. I was suicidal even – not that I could kill myself if I tried, and I did try.

That’s when Alice had found me. I think she saw something, picked up on my thoughts maybe, and it drew her to me. There was something about her that drew me to her as well, her very essence I think. We were soul mates, meant for one another and I knew, even then in that forest upon first sight, that I could never truly exist without her. It was strange, beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. I’d never really been in love as a human. I’d fancied the occasional girl but had never really connected with anyone. To think it possible to connect with someone so completely had been beyond my comprehension.

We traveled together then, searching for something Alice had seen or dreamt of. Eventually we had found the Cullens, joining their family and adopting their lifestyle. Even though this existence was a constant struggle, it was far more appealing than my previous life. Besides, Alice loved life with the Cullens. In this environment she was like a spark that lighted everything around her so it burned brightly with the joy of life.

And now I lay on the bed we shared staring at the ceiling. It was impossible to ignore the scent that caused me to retreat here in the first place so I continued to remember the past. Sometimes the only thing I could do to keep myself restrained was to remember my previous lives and the golden light Alice brought to my dark existence. I could resist for her.

I gritted my teeth together and clenched my fists. I was angry at Edward for bringing her into the house, to extend the hell I faced at school into my own home. I was angrier at myself for being so weak, knowing I should be happy for Edward and not blame him for my own pain.

Edward, beyond all sense of reason and good judgment, had started dating Bella Swan, a new girl in Forks. As dangerous as this was in the first place, the fact that Bella was one of the best smelling humans I’d ever encountered made the situation increasingly explosive. None of us knew what it was about certain humans that made their blood so appealing, but Bella had a scent that was particularly intriguing. Even Carlisle had admitted in a private conversation with me after her first visit to the household that he too had considered very briefly how she would taste. It was unbelievable that Edward could resist. His attraction to her blood was said to be monumentally strong. Alice said that the Volturi had noted that the intensity and the level of restraint Edward would need to combat his desire was beyond anything they’d ever heard of or seen. Personally, I wondered why he didn’t change her already and end the torture for all of us.

“How are you holding up Jazz?” Alice asked as she entered the room, closing the door behind her and flopping gracefully to the large, lush bed.

“I’ve been better,” I muttered, not willing to admit the fantasies I’d just had about stealing Bella away and draining every drop. Why was she so tantalizingly good smelling?

Alice’s comforting smile faded and she pressed her lips into a straight line and she nodded, acknowledging my struggle. One of the things I loved about her was that she never took my pain lightheartedly like some of the others did. She snuggled her body up close to mine and rested her pixie-like head on my chest, stretching a slender arm up to my shoulder so we were in a half-embrace.

“He will change her eventually. I’ve seen it. Then you won’t have to worry about this anymore,” she said softly, her light, velvety voice sounding as musical as ever.

I bent to kiss her on top of her head and enjoyed the soft touch of her spiky black hair on my cheek. She looked up at me mischievously, a sly grin on her face as she suddenly sat up.

“I think I know how to keep your mind distracted,” she said coyly as she ran her fingers lightly from my neck down my torso, coming to a rest just above the edge of my jeans.

“Oh, you do, do you?” I grinned as I watched her push my shirt up over my head.

She looked at my chest, a dreamy look on her face, as she drew imaginary patterns across my flesh, causing the hairs to stand up on my neck and shivers to run up my spine. She leaned over as placed kisses gingerly upon my collarbone. My longing for blood turned to my desire to have Alice and I groaned softly as I grew stiff. I pulled Alice towards me, making sure to press her hips against my own and I kissed her in her favorite place, on her neck just behind her ear.

“Mmm,” she muttered quietly, nuzzling the side of my head as I kissed her. “Are you distracted yet?”

Instead of answering her I flipped our positions so she was lying beneath me on the bed, our bodies pressed close creating a friction that was both pleasurable and frustrating. Alice grinned devilishly up at me.

“Jeans in the way?” she asked innocently.

“A little assistance?” I countered playfully.

She reached down to unbutton my jeans as my lips explored the curve of her neck and collarbone.

That’s when the door opened. Emmett rushed in and stopped the instant he saw us, a look of open-mouthed shock on his face.

“Uh, um, sorry… I didn’t mean to… shoulda… um… shoulda knocked,” he muttered sheepishly, belying the huge grin on his face. His expression immediately sobered as he remembered why he had entered our room in the first place.

“Bella’s been cut, she’s bleeding in the kitchen. Thought you might want a heads up to clear outta here.”

Alice was already on her feet, pulling me towards the door.

“Thanks Emmett,” she said cheerily, as if nothing had happened, as she dragged me behind her into the hall.

Emmett gave me an apologetic look as Alice raced us towards the back yard and I looked back at the house remembering that I wasn’t wearing a shirt. Rosalie was already sitting on a rock by the river behind the house, looking at the reflections in the river water.

Looking up at me and Alice she smirked at my half-dressed appearance and the rumpled look of Alice’s dress. I did up the button of my jeans quickly, slightly horrified that they were undone and hanging quite low on my lanky body. Emmett chuckled to himself and began throwing pebbles into the water causing Rosalie to glare at him as the reflections were broken by the additional ripples.

Alice bit her bottom lip with worry as she stared back at the house.

“I’m going to see if there’s anything I can do to help. Carlisle and Esme will probably need some help cleaning up,” she announced as she ran back towards the house.

Not wanting to be left alone to be laughed at by the others, I stalked off towards the woods behind the house. About ten minutes into the woods I climbed a large tree and sat on a strong branch, leaning back into the trunk of the cedar.

I hadn’t run away just because of Rosalie and Emmett, a faint whiff of blood had blown towards the river when Alice had opened the back door setting off a plethora of fantasies in my mind.

Denied blood, sexually frustrated, and mocked.

I groaned as I closed my eyes and banged the back of my head against the trees to try to clear the images of my desires from my head. It was going to be a long day.