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Twelve years ago Edward left Bella thinking she would be safe and happy away from the dangers of his world. She wasn't. How can he make it up to her? Each chapter written from a different POV with some overlap as the same incident is seen from a different perspective. Some new characters of my own imagination.

You know, all the recognisable characters are not mine. They belong to Stephanie Meyer and I hope I've used them in the spirit in which she created them.

33. Edward - Coming Out

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“Please, Edward, I want to try it. And you know it’s silly to ask Esme to drive all the way down here just to drop me off at Renee and Phil’s” Bella wheedled. In one way she was right. It wasn’t exactly a good use of resources for Esme to drive down just so Renee was convinced that Bella had holidayed with her rather than being either on her own or with me. But for her to manage her own luggage? “I can leave my clothes with you and just take Renee’s back with me; and it’s not really different to flying. You drop me off at the train station in Phoenix and even see me onto the train. I’ll call mom to meet me at the station or get a cab. No worries.” I thought about Bella’s request: she was right. I called Esme to tell her of the change in plan. We arrived in Phoenix just before the sun set. We had to stay in the car for a few minutes before I could get out and escort Bella to her train. It wasn’t far to Scotsdale where Renee’s home was but that didn’t mean that I was looking forward to leaving her. I was going to see her again in just one week but I was anxious. I didn’t like being away from Bella: if I wasn’t with her I couldn’t protect her. I wasn’t this anxious the first week she was away, but for some reason this separation felt wrong. “Please, please be careful Bella” I said as I hugged her at the station. “Hey, I’ll be fine. As soon as I have sat down and gotten comfortable on the train, I’ll call you and talk to you the whole time right up until I’m about to walk into the house so that you’ll know that mom and I got back to her house fine” Bella tried to reassure me. “I don’t know: perhaps I should stay here in Phoenix so I’m here if anything should happen.” “No or I would be the one worrying about you being stuck indoors all day. See how quickly you can drive home, but safely, please. It would be a shame if you were to break that nice new car.” I had to laugh at Bella’s way of looking at things, she did not care at all about the car, but she did worry about how I would feel if it was written off. I was barely out of the car park when Bella called me. The train was half empty and she had no trouble getting a good seat, which was a relief since I had horrible visions of her having to stand on a busy commuter train. “I’m going to do some hunting in the northern California mountains so don’t call me tonight” I said. “I’ll call you when I’m back on my way home so if it’s convenient you can answer, if not I’ll leave a message and you can call me later.” I didn’t tell Bella, but I tracked the train until it reached Scottsdale. Bella stayed on the line all the way to Renee’s home, talking so quietly that only my vampire hearing could make out that she was actually saying words rather than sighing under her breath. “I love you. Speak to you later. Bye” and she disconnected. At least I knew she arrived safely and could head for home. The whole week passed very slowly for me. I was on edge the whole time Bella wasn’t speaking to me on the ‘phone. I couldn’t understand it. I had somehow managed to get through twelve years without being with her so why was it so difficult to survive one week when we would still be able to speak? Perhaps I hadn’t fully appreciated what I was missing out on before. I knew that I hadn’t fully appreciate the strength of Bella before, now I knew Bella as well as I knew myself and I knew what I would lose if anything were to happen to her. I was waiting at Anchorage airport long before Bella’s flight was due to land. I paced the arrivals lounge restlessly, struggling to remember to appear human. Bella appeared quickly after landing since she only had hand luggage. Without caring who saw me, I wasn’t capable of appearing indifferent, I picked her up and hugged her to me kissing her neck beneath her hair. “I love you Bella. I don’t like not being with you. I feel so much better now you’re back.” “Let’s get home so we can break some more furniture” Bella’s reply made me laugh. We did break some furniture, but this time the damage was limited to the bed. I would have to make sure we had a spare bed at hand as well as a couple of headboards. We, or rather I, would have to be a little more careful when we moved to our apartment in New York since we didn’t want the neighbours to be disturbed by the sound of breaking furniture. We spent the whole night and day and night alone, barely managing to leave the bedroom to move to the Jacuzzi and to the kitchen to get Bella some food. It wasn’t just about making love, but also about having Bella safe in my arms. How was I going to manage whenever she visited Renee in the future? We went round to the family home to see Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Rosalie. “Where are Alice and Jasper?” Bella asked “They’ve gone to New Zealand, remember?” I replied. “Alice has gone without saying ‘goodbye’?” Bella started to shake, her heart beat stuttered. “Bella, you knew they were going for two months. She told you ages ago” I tried to reason. “I knew they were going. I didn’t know when. Why didn’t she say ‘goodbye’?” I could tell that Bella was really upset by Alice’s disappearance again. Logically Bella knew that Alice had not abandoned her, but that was how she felt. I got one of her heart tablets and some water. She hadn’t needed to take one in a long time. “I’m sorry love. I didn’t think to make sure you knew when they were going. They left shortly after you went to Phoenix so it’s less than five weeks before they come back again.” I thought Bella had accepted it as her heart resumed its normal rhythm but that night she had nightmares again. “Alice, don’t leave me. I thought you were my friend. Please Alice, don’t leave me alone.” I didn’t think that the guilt for the way I left Bella before would ever leave me. “Bella love, wake up, you’re having a bad dream. Come on Bella, wake up.” “Edward! Alice left me again. She didn’t even say ‘goodbye’. She just left me.” A sin for which I should be punished most severely, I had persuaded Alice to leave Bella even more traumatically than I had left her. I knew at the time that if Alice had gone to speak to Bella to tell her that we were leaving then Alice would not have been able to leave her as cleanly as I had thought was the best. Because of that, our leaving was even more harrowing for Bella than it would have been if Alice had at least not just disappeared. “She didn’t leave you, I promise. Do you want to speak to her on the ‘phone?” “Yes, I need to see that she hasn’t left me again.” I called Alice and explained quickly, so that Bella would not have heard, what had happened. “I’m sorry Edward. I should have realised it would happen and called her every couple of days. I didn’t think, I’m sorry. Put her on.” I knew there was a message for me in Alice’s words somewhere. If I couldn’t work it out myself I would have to ask Alice to spell it out later. “Alice, why didn’t you tell me?” “Sorry Bella but I didn’t want to spoil your holiday with your mom thinking about me leaving. I should have made sure you knew exactly when we were going. I’m sorry. How was Phoenix?” “’Sokay. Tell you later. Is it nice there?” “Very. I’ll call you sometime during the day so we can talk properly, okay?” “Okay. ‘Bye Alice.” “’Bye Bella.” I took the ‘phone from Bella’s unresponsive hand and stroked her hair back from her face. Bella was already asleep again. “Why should you have realised something like this would have happened Alice?” I could see the exasperation on Alice’s face through the ‘phone. “Because it happens when you go away to hunt. It didn’t when you first moved in, she probably didn’t rely on your presence the way she does now. But when I’m with her at night while you are hunting she has bad dreams about you leaving her. She didn’t want you to know. You have to hunt so you have to leave her, she knows that.” I didn’t know what I could do to make it better for her, but I had to think of something. Stage one of our plan to be open about our relationship was to let people see the two of us together using the same car. Most people would probably assume that I was just giving Bella a lift and Bella made sure she was seen with Esme about town every so often. We still kept my car hidden at our house so if anyone visited, or spied, they wouldn’t be able to see it parked there as if it belonged. Also, Bella bought groceries that were clearly for one person only. I thought everything was going well. “Mom, it was nothing and I am fine. You were the one who was nearly killed not me. You are the one Phil and I are worried about. You should rest and let Phil look after you.” “I don’t like it when people hover over me. At least now I know why you never wanted to stay here after your accident. I hovered and fussed over you too much didn’t I?” “Yes you did mom, but I always knew it was because you love me, just as Phil loves you, so let him fuss and hover and take care of you.” “Okay, I will. I love you Bella, take care.” “Love you too mom. ‘Bye.” I know I shouldn’t have listened to the conversation, or at least I should have let Bella know that I could hear what she was saying. But to find out that there had been some kind of accident purely by overhearing part of a conversation was annoying. In fact I was angry about it. “What happened, Bella, that was nothing to you but has left Renee needing to be looked after?” “Damn, sorry, I didn’t want you to know because I didn’t want you to worry.” “Naturally I worry about you. So tell me everything if you please.” I was holding it together, just. “Mom and I were out when a child stepped into the road. A car swerved to avoid the child and hit mom instead. I wasn’t actually hit by the car but I did fall and bang my head. There was no damage to me – carbon fibre skull made sure of that, but Renee has a broken leg. That’s it.” I took a deep breath to try to calm myself. It would do no good to get angry with Bella. I knew she wanted to stop me from worrying, but ... “You do realise that I am only going to worry even more every time you are out of my sight now don’t you? The fact that you kept it from me means that I am going to worry all the more because of other incidents you might be keeping from me.” “I promise if I had been hurt I would have called for you. I would have needed you with me.” That mollified me somewhat but it still didn’t change the fact that I would worry even more. Bella was a danger magnet and if I wasn’t with her, I couldn’t protect her. What was I going to do while she was working in Harlem? How could I have agreed to her working there for a semester? I was going to go mad unless I could find a way to deal with it. After Bella had been back for a fortnight we went down to Forks for two weeks (I was to go back to Carcrix and be seen about town a couple of times while Bella was known to be away). Leah and Nahuel brought Pia to see us. For a baby who was only four months old Pia was remarkably well developed: she could walk, run, talk, feed herself solids and knew when to demand the bathroom! She had very definite ideas of what clothes she would wear too! I had no doubt that when the time came Pia would make a formidable wolf! “The developmental rate is amazing” Bella said. “She seems to grow at the same rate you did Nahuel. What does Huilen say?” “Granny Huilen says that I’m not as quick as daddy was at my age” Pia sounded disconsolate. “But you’re a lot more advanced than I was sweetheart” Leah smiled. “That’s coz I’m half of each.” “I think you are also extremely pretty and will no doubt have to be very careful not to break the hearts of all the young men around town” Bella added. “No, that doesn’t sound like a good thing to do. Will they break their hearts just ‘coz I’m pretty?” “Some will, but only the silly ones. The sensible ones will break their hearts because you’re pretty and very nice too.” “Mommy and daddy say I should wait until I meet the right one and not flirt with them all like Pearl and Opal. But it looks like fun!” Pia’s understanding was also remarkably advanced! Bella went to see Claire at her parents’ house. Quil was there too. “She really is not happy about the baby. Quil is also not happy, but I think that is a reflection of Claire’s feelings. She said it was more important that the pack have a doctor to treat them then it was to have another pack member and considered having an abortion. I tried to suggest that she could take a year out of school and it wouldn’t affect her too much which would give her plenty of time to find suitable child care while she studied if Quil and her family weren’t able to take up most of the slack. I think she agreed in theory, but in practice I don’t know what they’ll do.” “Do you want me to meet with them the next time so that I could read their thoughts and then you could know what they both really wanted? It might be easier to negotiate a compromise that they could both be happy with that way” I offered. “That sounds like a very good idea. If we know what they really want, not just what they’re saying they want it will be a lot easier. Lizzie and Jake would probably have to be the ones doing the actual talking to them to get their agreement though.” Lizzie went into labour when we had been there for just five days so we had Charley and Clint. “I don’t want any more brothers or sisters” Charley said. “Me neever” said Clint. “I always wanted brothers or sisters” Bella tried to persuade them to a different outlook. “And I have lots of brothers and sisters and love having them all” I added. “You can play with them and when they’re older they will look up to you” Bella suggested. “I might not mind that” Charley conceded. “I still don’t want them” Clint was adamant. Lizzie had identical twin boys. When we met them it seemed that only Clint and myself could tell them apart. Jason’s hair was just a shade lighter than Michael’s and he was always a half second behind Michael when it came to screaming for what he wanted. While we were visiting the family, Quil and Claire came too. I read Claire’s mind. She really was not ready to have a baby and seriously did not want it. Quil did not want a baby since it was making Claire so unhappy. He didn’t know what they could do. The only alternative he could think of was to ask one of the tribe to adopt it, but he didn’t know how that would be received. I had an idea, but I too didn’t know how it would be received: I had to talk to Bella about it. “Claire really does not want the baby. Quil doesn’t want it since it’s making Claire unhappy. He thinks it should be adopted. I don’t know why Jacob doesn’t already know that’s how Quil feels unless it is only recently that Quil has reached that conclusion.” “Jake probably thinks they will both change their minds once the baby is born. Perhaps they will” Bella said half hopefully. “I doubt it very much. If they don’t, I think Embry and Tanya should adopt it. It would strengthen the ties between the vampires and Quileute even more and maybe that is this baby’s purpose.” I could feel Bella’s thoughts ticking over. I wish I could read her mind the way I could everyone else’s. Did she wonder why I didn’t suggest that we should adopt the baby? “I think you might be right. Would Tanya want it though? If she did then Embry would.” “Yes. It is a common desire for vampires to have babies. No child on earth would have more protectors than that child.” “Then we should talk to Jake and Lizzie before Claire gives birth so that if they don’t feel they can keep the baby they know there is a fall back so can relax.” Rebecca and her Samoan husband were visiting for the birth of their new nieces or nephews. They didn’t have children of their own and Bella said they were quite adamant that they were not going to. They did not know that the old legends of the pack and the ‘cold ones’ were truths. Therefore no one wanted to tell them that some things could not be controlled and if the pack needed to expand they might have to accept that they could be one of the routes to that expansion. But their childless state meant they were happy to take Charley and Clint so that Bella and I could talk with Jacob and Lizzie. “I don’t think Claire and Quil will change their mind about wanting the baby even once it is born. Therefore an alternative needs to be ready and they need to be told that if they don’t change their minds another home has been found, it will ease their minds. If they feel that the pressure is removed, they are more likely to make the choice based on what they really want” I started the conversation. Jacob looked to Lizzie to take it further. “Are you saying that we have to persuade someone to agree to adopt their baby, but be prepared in case they change their mind?” Lizzie asked. “I think that Embry and Tanya be asked to adopt it if Claire and Quil don’t want it” I added. “I thought you were going to suggest you and Bella should have it” Jacob muttered relieved. I knew that was what he thought, but it was a surprise to Bella. “It makes more sense for it to have at least one parent from the pack if possible Jake” she said. “What if Tanya doesn’t want it?” Lizzie asked. “She will, and so will the rest of her family you don’t need to ask her in advance. The baby would tighten the bonds between the vegetarian vampires and the Quileute. Even Rosalie would step on board. That might be the purpose of this child.” “But what if she doesn’t?” Lizzie persisted. “If Claire and Quil, and Tanya and Embry don’t want it, then Edward and I will adopt it” Bella said. “I agree, Tanya will want it, but on the off chance that she doesn’t, I think the baby would have a lovely home with us, apart from the fact that we’d never be able to get rid of Rosalie.” I understood what Bella was doing, she was offering an alternative that the Quileute would be able to accept even though she didn’t think it would be necessary any more than I did. I could hear what Jacob and Lizzie were thinking. They both thought that Claire would change her mind once the baby was born and didn’t really see the point in this discussion. “Just tell them that if they are still sure that it is not their time to be parents after they have held their baby then you will agree to it being adopted, but they have to at least hold it first.” “It makes sense to let them know that there is an alternative, they don’t have to keep the baby if it is really not what they want” Lizzie said. “And to insist that they at least hold it before they make up their mind is also a good idea” she added. “Okay, I’ll tell them. I’ll order Quil not to phase until it is decided so that the rest of the pack don’t find out until then. I won’t tell Embry until we know either. The baby is due in three weeks so it will soon be over.” We went with Jacob and Lizzie to talk to Claire and Quil only Bella and I stayed outside. Bella couldn’t hear what was being said but I could. I could also feel the relief from both Quil and Claire when Jacob suggested that it was possible that Embry and Tanya could adopt their child. As Lizzie and Jake were leaving I heard Claire say “Isn’t that good news baby? You’ll be able to live with your proper mom and dad instead of having to stay with grumpy Auntie Claire.” I could tell that both Jacob and Quil heard. Jacob was surprised but Quil agreed with Claire’s sentiment. He was already thinking of himself as Uncle Quil to the baby. “Quil said that he felt right from the second Claire said she was pregnant that it was much too soon and that they shouldn’t be parents yet” Jacob said to us. “And he said that he thought Embry would make a much better parent than him.” “And Claire said that she was glad that there was a reason for the baby rather than to just make her feel miserable. Now that she knows she doesn’t have to keep it she said she has no problem with holding it after it’s born” Lizzie said. I told Lizzie and Bella what Claire said as we were leaving and what Quil thought in response. “Hmph, well perhaps they will decide that they don’t want to keep it after all” Jacob muttered. “I might get some flack from the Council for this, especially since I’m not consulting them and they have enough to think about with the development of Pia. Did you know that Sue is the only person not to have seen her? I don’t know how she can refuse to see her own child and granddaughter. It’s not as if Leah deliberately chose Nahuel to annoy Sue, but she’s so pig headed. Seth and Angela talk about Leah and Pia and have tried to engineer a meeting but Sue just walked out. If she’s not careful she could find herself kicked off the Council for this” and Jacob was suddenly appalled at how much he had revealed. Luckily he realised that I would have been able to get all that information anyway, and he knew that Bella was very good at keeping secrets. “Did Jake mean it when he said that Sue could be kicked off the Council for refusing to see Leah and Pia?” Bella asked me once we returned to our home. “Yes. Leah’s family is of great import as far as the Council are concerned and if Sue won’t acknowledge the match she is ignoring something important and not fulfilling her duty to put the tribe before personal feelings.” “Oh dear. Perhaps someone ought to tell her.” “No. They’re giving her time to come to that conclusion herself, but they don’t want to force her into a meeting. Leah would be asked to take her place as Harry Clearwater’s eldest child.” I suggested to Bella that we help the Quileute extend their homes for the new arrivals. “Let me suggest it to Lizzie as an early christmas gift or something as see how she responds” which I thought was an excellent way to handle it. Lizzie almost bit our fingers off in gratitude when Bella suggested it. Like most of the houses at La Push, all of the pack’s houses were single story dwellings. I looked over a couple of them and said that I thought the easiest way to extend would be to convert the attic spaces into master suites. I had done similar work with Esme before and knew how to go about it. Jacob, Nahuel and the pack all helped me do Jacob and Lizzie’s attic. It only took us two days. After that was done I went up to Carcrix for a day to be seen by the townsfolk. Next we did Seth and Angela’s attic since they were about to have their twins. We just finished when Angela went into labour and gave birth to a girl and a boy. I helped with just one more. The pack could do the rest without me getting in the way. Nahuel was an excellent carpenter and did all the joinery quickly and accurately. Bella and I were cuddling in Alice and Jasper’s bed. We were returning to Carcrix the next night and would pick up with phase two of letting the townsfolk realise that we were a couple. “I have a confession to make and I don’t know how you’re going to react” Bella said to me quietly, almost fearfully. “Okay, now you have me really worried so just say it quickly please” I asked apprehensively. “Remember when you first left and I promised that I would do nothing silly or reckless for Charlie’s sake? Well I did. I did lots of silly and reckless things, but I was not trying to end my life with them” Bella spoke quickly and the latter point was said almost defiantly. I calmed down a little with her words. Clearly it was nothing that was recent that she was confessing to, more something that happened before Charlie died. “I’m alright, tell me everything.” “I went to Port Angeles with Jessica and we saw a group of men. They reminded me of the group that cornered me before when you came to my rescue. I don’t know what I was thinking when I turned towards them; perhaps to hurt one of them, perhaps sub-consciously I was hoping that you would turn up to rescue me again, I don’t know. But I had just taken a couple of steps when I heard your voice so clearly telling me to turn away. I took some more steps and you were still talking to me. I thought I was going mad. When Laurent found me, your voice was talking to me again, advising me what to say to him. I heard you again when I was riding my motor cycle, and one time when I was talking to Jake and he was angry. Every time I was doing something potentially dangerous, even when I didn’t recognise the danger, I heard you so clearly, talking to me like you still wanted me to stay alive, stay safe.” “Bella, what about your promise? You promised not to do anything reckless! You promised!” “I know, but you had promised that it would be like you had never existed. How could it be like you had never existed when I was going around with what felt like a giant hole that had been punched in my chest? I justified my actions to myself by saying that since you had broken your promise I didn’t have to keep mine. Anyway, Jake and I had been seeing each other for a while but I hadn’t told him about hearing your voice, or that I was deliberately doing things to make me hear it, so when he wanted me to be serious with him, I had a debate with myself. I didn’t think it would be fair to commit to a relationship with Jake when I was still doing what I could to hear you. Could I give up this last tie? I was sure that if you thought about me at all, there would still be enough affection for me left inside you that you surely would want me to move on and try to be happy with Jake and while I was having that debate I heard you telling me to be happy.” “I did want you to be happy Bella, safe and happy.” “So I decided to stop doing reckless things that allowed me to hear you. But without even that tie to you it felt like I was the one who had never really existed, not you. When I went to the rail tracks we had the best conversation. While I was on the tracks waiting for the train I even saw you. I was happy. You were with me, even though you were angry at what I was doing, you were sitting in the cab with me, telling me to start the truck and go home. The last thing I heard you say was that you couldn’t exist if I didn’t live. That’s what made me try to pull away.” I couldn’t speak. All I could do was to hold onto Bella, hoping that she understood that I would never leave her again. She carried on speaking. “As I was coming to I was having a strange discussion with myself about that statement. How could you not want to exist if I didn’t live when you didn’t want me anyway? It didn’t make sense. Then I thought that perhaps you didn’t want me forever but you might want me for some of the time but I finally decided that if you realised that if I died because I couldn’t live without you, you would feel so guilty.” “I did and do feel guilty for that Bella. Guilty because I didn’t believe you when you said how much you loved me, guilty because I arrogantly decided that you, a mere human, would soon forget me and move on. Now I feel guilty that you put yourself in danger just to hear my voice!” “No, I don’t want you to feel guilty at all for that. That wasn’t why I told you. I told you because I want you to understand that I think a part of me must have known that you still cared for me or why else would you be bothered whether I was hurt or happy? When I first started my hallucinations I thought I was really going mad and would have to go back to the hospital, but now I think it was a truth that was trying to fight its way through my sub-conscious – you cared about me.” “I loved you all the time Bella. There wasn’t a single second that I didn’t miss you, see your face in my mind. I wish I had somehow known about these conversations we were having.” “I do too. But I want to know, if you can’t exist on earth if I’m not living, how would you have known when I died?” “It sounds silly but I was convinced that I would just know, feel the loss somehow. Anyway, I was going to look for you. I thought that after twelve years I deserved the treat of seeing you again, from a distance of course. I had got as far as deciding the best way to trace you would be to input your name and date of birth in the Social Security data bank. I thought you would have two children, and I was debating what I would do if your husband wasn’t good enough for you, although I can’t think that any man would have been.” “What would you have done if you found me living the life I was living before Carcrix?” “Prostrated myself at your feet. I wanted you to be happy but if you were going to be miserable anyway then I would have wanted you to be miserable with me.” “While I was lying in the hospital, conscious but unable to communicate, I kept thinking that if only there was some way I could ask for Carlisle there was no way he would be able to refuse to change me since everyone was of the view that I was dying. But by the time I was able to communicate I decided that I didn’t want him to change me since you didn’t want me anyway. What would be the point in forever if I wasn’t with you?” “Bella, I don’t know how you can forgive me for all I put you through.” I really didn’t know how she could, or why she would want to. “I’ve told you, I don’t hold you culpable for the decisions I took after you left. You had a right to leave and the decisions I took and their consequences after that were wholly my responsibility.” “But I knew you are a danger magnet. I should have realised that you would attract danger and I should have kept a closer eye out for you” because I had said that it was my job to protect Bella and I didn’t. “No you should not. It is not your job to protect me. It is my job to not do stupid things.” Then to my surprise Bella gave a short laugh. “Actually, when we first started to see each other, after Port Angeles but before the meadow, and you were still debating on whether you should leave me, I remember thinking that I might have to put myself in danger to keep you with me! I decided that would be a stupid thing to do, you’ll be pleased to know so I didn’t at least not on purpose!” I laughed a little at the memory of the angst of our first days together. “When did you first realise that you were in love with me?” I asked. “When I woke up the morning after Port Angeles. For the first time I was sure that you were a vampire and that a part of you really desired my blood. I didn’t know how strong that part might be but it was irrelevant because I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you. When did you realise you were in love with me?” I wasn’t exactly sure of the exact moment. “It sort of snuck up on me. But I accepted that I loved you when you said my name the first night I went to your room. I knew I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you when James was after you. But I still didn’t fully understand the strength of that love until I sucked the venom from your blood. The fact that I could stop is still thought of with awe by the rest of my family. I know it is something that you don’t understand, but I could never forgive myself if I was responsible for you losing your soul.” “It shouldn’t have been your decision. I do understand why you wouldn’t want to take it, but can you understand that without you my soul is just going to spend eternity in loneliness? It will be like the twelve years we were apart, but forever.” I hadn’t looked at it like that before and I wished that I had because if it was the other way around I would blame Bella for consigning my soul to hell, which is what an eternity without Bella would be. “I hope that I am wrong and that I do have a soul so that as soon as I have joined you in death, we can be together again.”