This is a all human twilight fan fiction , I have spent allot of time writing this and would love any feed back. Its based on the childhood love of Bell and Edward. They are raised together and love each other to bits , but everything changes when Bell's father is killed in a car accident her and Edward luckily survive. They are torn apart and the struggle to stay together becomes dangerous the more Edward believes Bell is in danger and knowing how he can not help her drives him slowly insane. This story deals with all types of mental and physical abuse , drug abuse and suicide. please give it a read and let me know what you think. I have put allot of work into it and hold it close to my heart. thank you
1. Forget Me
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Part one - Remains from the crash.
I spent all my time looking out my bedroom window. I could not guess how many hours I've spent sitting here in my fathers old arm chair, snuggling myself as deep into it as possible trying to remember what his hugs felt like. Trying to remember any of it.
I spent so much of my time trying to hang on to any memories I could of him. But the fight was an up hill battle and the guilt from losing was braking my heart.
I remembered the morning before he died like it was yesterday but the rest of the day was gone, i no we were in a car accident but i could not remember one single detail, most people would say i was lucky but I don't remember the last thing he said to me before he died and that plagues me, I don't no why it was so hard to remember what was probably the best part of my life.
My mother if you can call her that left Charlie when I was only a baby and never once looked back. but we didn't care, Charlie always said that we had everything we needed and more, I had him and we both had the Cullen's.
Dads house was just outside of town and was surrounded by the Forrest, there was only one other house close by and that's where he was. My Edward. His mother and mine were friends and when she left, Edwards mother Esme always wanted to do all she could to help Charlie with me since he never had a baby or anything to do with one.
But these are just stories I've heard or facts I no. Memories of that time have faded. Now I'm left with what I call glimpses. Just small flashes that left me frustrated trying to remember something out of my reach. I remember stupid things like, flying through town and everyone looking up and saying hello to me. But why did I feel like I was flying.
I remember a boy coming into my room in the middle of the night, one who I can't remember the face of but I'm sure it was Edward.
I wished I could remember Edward more clearly, I had small memories of the two of us playing in the woods between our houses, we were always laughing I knew in my gut that he would always look after me and keep me safe when he was around, I remember He used to always hold my hand when we were together and treat me so incredible sweet, like a young prince charming and that's how I will always think of him, but I remember no real details, I don't no why I long for him, or dream of the feelings im sure he used to bring, his safety and love, But what I am sure of is that he was my everything, he lingered in my veins and deep in my soul.
I woke one sunny Sunday morning and ran down stairs to tell Charlie I was going to meet edward 'half way' which ment half way between his house and mine. I dressed warmly when I woke to save Charlie complaining 'I'd catch my death' , After I put on my sweater, jeans and my boots I ran downstairs in a hurry to leave. Charlie always treated me like a princess and most of the time I would scold him in my head for letting me think that I was a princess in a fairytale instead of a lonely girl in a nightmare.
"hi dad...bye dad"i said as I ran past him in the kitchen and out the backdoor but before I hit the steps one word stopped me.
"Bells...." I stopped and sighed. I pop'd my head inside the door and looked up at him using my cheekiest smile in the hopes he didn't remember that I was meant to clean my room before I went anywhere.
"I didn't make all these pancakes for myself missy"
"oh" I giggled and skipped over to the table.
Charlie sat across from me after putting the huge plate of blueberry pancakes in-front of me.
"So..." he began as he started to dig into his breakfast "what are the plans for today Princess Bella"
I smiled up at him with my mouth full of pancakes and tried to chew so I could answer "Edward" I announced thinking that would be enough said. He nodded with a grin "and" he said waving his hand round and round
"well we were going to go to the meadow behind his house and play on the swing Mr Carlisle put up. It's gonna be neat" "sounds neat" he replied, Charlie used to hang on every word I said as if every insignificant thing I said was the most important thing he has ever heard and it made me feel like I was the most valuable person in the world to him.
"well I was thinking we would maybe go to the diner for dinner and maybe a movie afterwards what do you think?"
I straightened up in my seat at the thought of going to the movies because I knew that the latest girlie fairytale crap had been brought out and Charlie always took me to watch them even though I'm sure it killed him to sit through ninety minutes of complete boredom colored in pink.
"I'll take the giggle tantrum as a yes"
I continued to scream and carry on in excitement over the movie for another ten minutes while he just smiled at me lovingly.
"so then I'll pick you up from the Cullen's at three o'clock OK"
"it's a date" I Said grinning at him.
I finished my last mouthful of pancakes and looked over to him knowing he knew what I wanted
"OK then off you go"
I lept out of my seat and leaned over to him to plant a kiss in his cheek "thanks dad"
"put your beanie on, you ll catch your death" i giggled to myself as I picked up up off the bench and continued to the back door again and but as I ran down the stairs of the porch I heard his voice again "don't think your getting out of cleaning that room either princess" I giggled at the obvious amusement in his voice as I ran off into the Forrest. That was the last memories I had of Charlie and Edwards family. I can't remember the specifics of anything. I don't remember when the Cullen's moved, I just no it wasn't long after Charlie died and that they left me here.
For some reason unknown to me I was left in the custody of Billy Black and his wife Samantha , I didn't understand why he didn't just leave me to the Cullen's, I'm sure Esme would of wanted me, I remembered that her telling me all the time how she and Carlisle adored me and thought of me as one of there own. Sometimes I think maybe the Cullen's didn't want to take on another child seeing as the already had three boys...maybe they didn't want a girl? Or maybe I was just the neighbors kid in the end, Not worth the hassle, Guess ill never know why I am so unwanted especially by the only women who my heart cherishes. I'm sure she was my mother, the only one I ever had. I'm sure she done my hair and painted my nails. I remember her picking me up in her arms in a colorfully painted hallway, wiping the sweat from my face and telling me that I was going to be OK. The small memory of nurturing and compassion stained my mind through my "childhood".
I lived on the reservation ever since Charlie died with mr Black son Jacob and his wife Sam, he had only married her a few years before Charlie died. Im unsure of the details behind Jacobs real mothers death, just that she died when he was only four.
Jacob knew nothing but this life and seemed to be strong enough to handle everything but I hated growing up there
.I have a few memories of running from the reservation and through the Forrest to the meadow by Edwards old house where he was waiting.
Almost a year after Charlie died. I remember crying into Edwards arms. Begging him not to leave me here then being ripped from his arms by a police officer. I don't even remember how I knew he'd be there waiting for me. It was all so blank. I remember Sam screaming on the phone about keeping him away from me. But there had to be more to it. None of it made sense...and there were so many missing pieces.
My brain had blocked out my life, i can only assume to save me from going insaine. I mean how much can a kid take.
I was alone and unprepared for it.
Billy was a complete control freak and well... he was completely insane. He physically and psychologically abused us all constantly, I was thirteen when Sam eventually left him, Jake and I never once blamed her..not once, most people did. It would be easy for someone on the outside looking in to say she abandoned us, that she should of stayed and protected us but Jake and I both knew she never had a chance protecting us and really if either one of us had some where to run too we both would leave each other with out a thought besides its not like she was our mother.the funny thing was When she left things actually did get better in a way because it meant that Billy would go on drinking benders for days sometimes even weeks, we never knew when or if he was coming back or even where he was but we also knew as soon as he did get back he would often sleep it off for days.
It was nice when it was just the two of us, Jake and I were pretty close seeing as all we had in the world was eachother, Jake's two years older then me but it always seemed like so much more at first we didn't really get along but now we are insepreble, he tried so hard to draw all the attention to himself when Billy was looking for someone to fight.
Because of everything we had been through Jake was extremely protective of me, which meant any friend that I made he found a way to make them go away so it was always just the two of us but i no its just because it was better that way, he says all the time "Everyone's just fake Isabella, they'll just hurt you in the end and I'm not letting anyone hurt you shorty" he was only doing it because he loved me so much and he couldn't stand to see me go through anymore pain, up until Sam left he and I were just friends but it all changed one night after Billy returned home completely wasted after being gone for three days. he came after me straight away since I was the easy target, I had noticed he had been steering clear of Jake lately, he was growing very big very fast and it was not hard to tell that billy was becoming slightly intimidated by Jake . like usual he was being completely insane. He accused me of stealing money that I know he had just spent while he was drunk, but before I could move he grabbed me throwing me into the book shelf I shielded my face as I saw him reach for the glass vase to hold it over me. I felt the glass break and pierce through my skin. The deep cut came from in my hair down the side of my neck and scattered on to my back. I held the back of my neck screaming in pain on the floor surrounded by broken glass, but as I waited for the next blow to come, I opened my eyes to see if I should be shielding myself from him bit instead I saw Jacob standing over Billy's passed out body.
With a huge frying pan in his right hand. He scooped me up and took me to his friend Embrys garage and had him get supplies. He did everything he could to get the glass out and clean it up.
patching it up as best he could with butterfly stitches but but he was no doctor and it left my back and neck covered in horrible scars. But hospitals were out of the question. The stories we had heard about foster homes...well better the devil you no. Besides we knew we'd be split up. All we had was each other now.
When we arrived home that night billy was gone. It was the first night we slept in the same bed. It was more for safety and comfort than anything else, but we never slept apart again. Its not a normal relationship and it probably is built on the wrong kind of love but he's my everything now. It was just another way of keeping him close so another person didn't have a chance to leave me.
So we kept our secrets to ourselves and carried on like everything was normal. The people who did notice seemed to turn a blind eye to it all. Billy was once a well respected man, and there loyalty seem to lie with him.
Evey now and then we would have to convince Billy to help us keep up appearances but we needed help from him less and less, which was lucky because the insane bastard was no real help.
Jake left school as soon as soon as he was old enough to get a job, but i was stuck with it. Almost a year after jake left I was moved out of the school on the reservation and started at the school in forks because they said it could accommodate me better. They told me over and over how it was because I was smart they wanted me to have every advantage and forks high had a advanced science and math program. Jacob insisted that I go to the school in forks because I was to bored in class all the time and he knew it was a waste of my time. I hated going there every day, I didn't talk to any one , not that any one bothered trying to talk to me. Now that Jake had his license he drove me to and from school most days.
I got into the Ute and waited for him to get his stuff for work, he jumped in and slammed the door behind him. "what's your problem today then?" he asked rather coldly
I shook my head in an instant not wanting to make his mood any worse "nothing I'm fine" he sighed and I could tell my jumpiness made him feel bad. "sorry Isabella, I'm just in a shit of a mood, Billy that asshole took the last of the money I had stashed with him. But don't worry OK, I'll sought it out today......maybe the boss will give me an advance or something...." he kept rambling on thinking out loud. I wasn't worried , Jake always found a way to make sure we had what we needed even if we had to lie, cheat and steal to do it.
By the time we approached the drive way to the school car park my mood had gone from bad to worse. I slouched deep into my seat and sighed shaking my head to myself and muffling off a few four letter words to help me relieve some of my anger about spending the next eight hours with a large group of people who ignore me and I'm pretty sure hate me. Jake attempted to parked the big old truck but we bounced back when the front tires hit the gutter. I didn't react to the jolt I just kept staring down at my old sneakers and my old faded jeans with a rip in the right knee, I frowned harder looking down at them, I wonder how much worse things could get. "hey" Jake's chipper voice caught my attention and I turned to look at him. "cheer up" I just stared at him and didn't say anything "c'mon Isabella , smile. I hate leaving you here every day with that look on your face" " I hate it here" I huffed and looked back down at my shoes.
"Baby don't worry everything will be OK soon, when you finish high school and get a really really generous scholarship we will both be old enough and have enough to leave and do what ever we please" I always took these opportunities to try to bargain with him, "Or... I could just leave and get a job like you and we both no we could really use the money and then we wouldn't have to hang around here for another two years" Jacob rolled his eyes and leaned across me to push open my door "have a good day Isabella" I snatched my bag from under my feet and dragged it up pushing my body out the door slamming it behind me. I turned to give him one last dirty look for leaving me in this social hell but being the smart ass that he is he just gave me a huge sarcastic smile as the car roared to life and he waved his hand at me like an idiot "learn something for me baby" I didn't move or respond to him, I just glared at him as he drove away. As his car disappeared from my vision the sound of the bell forced my eyes closed and I took a deep breath and exhaled it harshly then turned to face my doom. I was in all the advanced classes and my English teacher told me I have read more books this term then he did in his second year of college, school was easy, as far a the work in fact I was incredible bored ,but I could handle being bored, I looked over at Jessica struggling to learn the stupid book and rubbing a hole into a temple trying to get it through her thick blond head ,yeah I can handle being bored. It sounds really mean but i love to finish my work early just so I can watch Jessica to scrape together the answers. Mean, I no, but you have to understand I don't have allot to do and besides..she's a total bitch. The school was not very big so this meant I had almost all of my classes with Jessica and her clan of barbie dolls. They constantly made fun of me and played tricks on me anything to try to make my days at forks high school as shitty as humanly possible. Lunchtime was probably the worst. I sat at a table completely alone and stared out the window or reading a book waiting for time to pass so I could get out of this hole. I could see them all out of the corner of my eye whispering and pointing , I don't understand how someone who does nothing to draw attention to herself and just tries to stay out of everyone's way; could be the topic of so many of there conversations like seriously...what is it about me that they just hate? I no it's nothing I have done because I have done nothing to them EVER.
I soon realized why they were laughing and pointing when I ran my fingers through my hair to find I had been hit with a huge spit ball and it was tangled into my hair. I listened to them laugh as I removed it from the strands and threw it on the ground and wiped my hand with my napkin shaking my head but then I just leaned back in my seat and continued to keep my back to them. After having a empty milk box thrown at my head and just being happy it was empty the bell finally rang and it was time to go to class and usually I would be happy about this but I had to go to photography class and even though I loved photography , I hated mike newton and he pestered me every class. I was happy when I walked into the class early and Mr Adams my teacher told me I could go into the darkroom and finish my photos. I shuffled as fast as I could across the hall to the darkroom before mike got to class, and just hope he thinks I'm away today or something. I loved developing my own photos , everyone else used digital but there was something neat about doing it like this, kinda like hand made photos. I smiled at the thought as I stared down at the photo of Jacobs bare back as he laid in the sun on the beach I smiled to myself at how gorgeous his skin looked on the sand and I would love to show him and the photo off to someone but no one else would be able to see the beauty in this photo of him asleep in the sand they would only see the scars that trailed over his back down his arm up his neck, they would only see the victim of horrible child abuse not the one second of peace during the tornado that was his life the second I was lucky enough to catch with a camera. that was how I thought of Jacobs life. As if it was a tornado. He was always surrounded by devastation and ruin, his heart was shattered and there was no way to truly fix him the damage was far to severe but in this photo I could see my Jacob, soft and sweet.
I heard I quiet creak but ignored it and continued to hang the photos up then I knew he was in here. I felt a sick turn in my stomach and before I could turn back from the bench his arms were trapping me and he had me pressed up against the bench "mike I have to get to my next class" I tried to sound as strong as possible but it still came out weak and choky. He pressed his body closer to mine so that I couldn't turn then he used one hand to move the curls from my neck and tuck them behind my ear "we have a few minutes" he whispered into my neck teasingly "no really I have to go" I pushed his arm out of the way and moved as fast as I could to get away from him but he just laughed and smacked my ass as I moved away from him to get out of the room that now seemed to be suffocating me. As I burst out of the door and all but ran down the hallway to math. I sat In my usual seat at the back of the room and tried to stop shaking, thankfully no one sat near me or looked in my direction for long because I'm sure I looked like a scared idiot right now. Mike started out slow putting his sly moves on me when I first started at forks high school and after the first ass grab I explained quite confidently that my boyfriend will beat the living shit out of him if he kept going and one day mike decided to corner me and try to run his hand up my top and when I Jacob found out on his own from a work friend it turned my world upside down and actually tore us further apart and well, let's just say it was a few weeks before I had to worry about mike....bones heal slow. But I didn't no that mikes father was a police officer and in his eyes his son was a saint and Jacob was just a troubled young man from a bad family with an even worse criminal record...and that's how mike won. I can't say a word about him being an asshole because there is no way I can stop Jacob from beating mike to a bloody pulp and Jake has so many charges against him that one more could mean.....that I'd lose him and I just couldn't risk that. So I shut up and just beared it all and by doing so probably saving my life and jakes.
The bell for the end of the period went of and thankfully I had stopped shaking enough to face Jake.
As soon as I left the front door to the school I could see Jake leaning shirtless up against the truck. He was soaking in sweat and covered in dirt and to top it all of he had a nice big scratch that was dripping blood running down his right cheek. I smiled down at him and he grinned back. I jogged down the stairs trying not to look like I was in an enormous rush to get to my boyfriends side (even though I kind of was) , Jake pushed his body of the car when I was close "hey baby, how was your day" just as I was ready to answer Jake, mike strode with his head high behind Jacob winking at me and all I could do was think about how easily I could get Jacob to kill him. I shook my head at Jake "come on let's just get out of here" I said as I made my way into the truck "so...that good ha?" Jake giggled at my grumpy mood. " yeah Jake it was just freaking awesome" I said sarcastically to him. But sarcasm was always a mistake with Jake because you always get it right back with a vengeance. "Yeah! That's great babe did you make it to the pep rally...., oh what am I saying....as if there would of even been a pep rally with out you".....see what I mean, he goes way over board but I no it's just to make me smile. I no a big part if him wanted me to quit school and run away with him but he always said that he Just couldn't waste me like that. I deserved to go to college apparently , like it would matter if I got in. Even with a scholarship I still need money we don't have and even if we did have it, we really need it. Jake glared at everyone at the high school, even the pretty girls who smiled at him. He just seem to have no real time for anyone but me. Occasionally he would hang around his friends from the reservation but that was rare. I worried that even when Billy wasn't there that Jacob hated leaving me home alone in case he returned. It was understandable but still no way to live. It felt sometimes like his whole life revolved around me , I mean look at him, driving a shitty truck to and from a crappy job as well as driving me around and making sure were fed, clothed, and looked after I mean jeez...all I have to do is go to school and I complain every step of the way but not Jake , I looked down at his holey boots and once again decided to stop spreading my bitchy mood.
"well isabella what has you all cheery today, ....bitches on your back?"
"ugh" I shook my head trying to lighten myself up and get over it "screw them, tell me about your day" Jacob eyed me suspiciously for a moment but then took full advantage of the opportunity to tell me about his day , I let him ramble the whole way home, I was glad to hear the happiness in his voice. It seemed like it was impossible to make Jake happy, it was like he was always on edge just waiting for someone to come along and make things worse then they already are, waiting for Billy to come back to forks again ruin our lives leaving us with nothing but new scars. We always got quiet when we started to pull into the reservation for just that reason. We had a way of doing everything. First was to take the back streets so that when we got to our place no one could see us and we could check to see if Billy came home while we were out. Then we would leave the truck hidden and close to the road. Once we were inside it was a complete lock down but that was just to give us a what Jake called a "heads up" to get out before he got in. I no this probably all seems a bit extreme to some but it was the only way we knew to keep safe. We could take the risk and just live normally but I couldn't bare to see us both like that again.
As we stopped at our usual spot to leave the truck I remembered the last time Billy left. He showed up in the middle of the night completely wasted but Jacob and I made the mistake of falling asleep with the radio blasting in our bedroom and we didn't no he was home until he kicked open our bedroom door. He stumbled around our bed demanding his money ( meaning our money) "get out of bed boy.....NOW... and you Isabella get up and cook me something to eat" he yelled slurring all of his words along the way. I wasn't like Jacob , I was completely horrified of Billy and as soon as he ordered me to do something I did it. I tried to get up of the bed to go for the door to get into the kitchen before he started to get into more of a rage but Jacob reached out and wrapped his arm around my waist , pulling my back into his chest "NO" Jacob yelled violently "GET OUT BILLY...I'LL GET YOU SOME MONEY BUT YOU HAVE TO LEAVE" Jacob sounded so strong and confident and yeah maybe even a bit freaking scary but to me he mostly just sounded crazy and really stupid. I clung to him tightly waiting to hear billy's reply to Jake's outburst. He waved his arm around "WELL HURRY UP" I couldn't believe it, Billy seemed almost intimidated. Jake got up of the bed and started to walk over to the dresser and as soon as he pulled open the top draw to get his wallet out it was over in a few seconds. Billy came up behind Jake faster then I thought he could possible move in his current state and punched Jake right in the back of the head before I could scream to warn , Jake's head went forward hitting the dresser and he collapsed unconscious into the floor. But before his body could even hit the ground Billy began beating Jake's limp body. I lept of the bed at him and began hitting him over and with my tiny fists but it only took a second before everything went black.
When I woke it was still dark.
For a second I was somewhere else. I could see a window, I didn't remember it but I knew I was meant to climb in it. When I did it was so dark I couldn't see but I knew where to go, like the foot steps were built in, like even if I didn't remember where I was they did and then led me to this gloriously soft mattress with fluffy pillows and a big warm blanket and as soon as I layed down I felt an arm cover me with the blanket and a warm body press closer to me so much that I felt connected to it and with that I felt safe but as my eyes closed in that room they opened in another and I was still in the bedroom on the floor facing Jake. I panicked and reached out to him taking his hand in mine "Jacob, Wake up" I almost cried out. As well as being incredible worried about Jake i could barley move because of the pain that pulsed through my body.
Jakes eyes blinked opened in the same terror they shut in and instantly he tried to get up. "Nooo stay down " I whispered as calmly as possible but he didn't need much convincing he dropped back onto the cold floor boards holding his body but then his eyes looked at mine "Are you ok Isabella" he asked reaching over to me and then his face became sad as he inspected me "I need to kill him" he whispered but the rage I could hear in his voice was shadowed by his own pian.
"Do you think he's gone?" I said weakly Jake nodded and stroked the hair off my face. I felt a few tears escape as I looked at him
"I'm sorry I left the radio on" I sobbed out but Jake shook his head and shifted his body closer to mine even though I'm sure it hurt to do "it's not your fault Isabella"
"you told me to turn" i choked but Jake cut me of again "No...we don't blame each-other OK. Were a team. We both no who did this to us. OK." I nodded agreeing "OK, come sweetheart let's get off the floor and get into bed" and even though Jacob was beaten up worse then me he lifted me off the ground and we went back to sleep in the hopes this could all just be a bad dream.
But it wasn't and when we woke up we walked through the house to find we had been robbed by our "father" we both looked around the torn apart house and then at each other "Huh.." was all we said and then as if we could read each others minds our eyes lit up and we both moved as fast as we could to the kitchen to find it to had been pulled apart and then we both dropped to our knees when we realized he had found it....our savings stashed under the lose floor board.
And that's why when we get money we burry it under the house now.
"Eat Isabella" my memories were paused at the sound of Jake's voice. I realized I hadn't eaten a bite, I had just been moving everything around with the fork. "what's up Isabella you've been quiet all afternoon. I think I like it better when your yelling at me, just tell me what I did and I'll apologize" it made me giggle "sorry I'm just tired. I really need a good night sleep." he raised his eyebrow at me "Really I haven't had a good nights sleep in days and it's making me grumpy, nothings wrong I promise" I added before he started to worry. "OK..well lets get an early night tonight. Oh and before I forget I got some extra work next weekend on Saturday it's only a few hours and its in town so I could just drop you off at the library while I do the job. That cool?" He said eyeing my reaction to being dumped in town all Saturday.
"yeah for sure that's fine." I agreed with a smile , Jake had been trying to get week end work for awhile to help us so the least I could was spend my Saturday at the library so he can work without having to worry about me being home alone.
It was nice going to bed early.
Jake Brought the TV in and put on a movie then we cuddled up to each other and talked about nothing imp-articular , until he told me about how Paul; his best friend wanted him to go over to his place and hang out with the boys, I insisted that he go and have some fun; I mean Paul did live on the reservation too, what could possible happen to me?. it wasn't long before I was beginning to fall asleep. Just as I started to slip into a dream I was woken by the shift of Jacobs body beneath me. The sudden movement startled and I clung tightly to his body and look around the room frantically for any sign of danger "babe it's fine. I'm just turning the TV off. Everything's OK" he braced my shoulders rubbing my arms soothingly. He leaned out the bed and turned the TV off then he slid back into bed close to me. I fell asleep listening to him tell me about how I was safe and how one day soon this would all just be a bad memory. It did help me to fall into a nice deep sleep for the first time in days but only because the feelings of safety made me remember the window I climbed into when I was unconscious. The luxurious bed and angel in it that said nothing but made my heart swell with love like never before and that gave me the sweetest dreams uninterrupted by my world.
The next day at school was pretty average. Everyone was talking about the two new boys that were starting tomorrow. It was pretty exciting event to hear of new students especially in a school this small. I could care less. It was just two more people to torture me. But at-least it gave everyone something else to focus on. I sat at my lunch table alone as usual not looking directly at the table to see the fresh slander of my name on it by the other intelligent students. The first few classes were uneventful and i was grateful but I knew that I had a long afternoon ahead of me.
I slowly made my way to the hallway to head to class when the bell went. I dragged my feet the whole way to science. I didn't mind science it was one of the few classes where I was left alone , everyone else in the class had a lab partner but me. The teacher always offered to join me up with one of the other groups, but never pushed it when I refused seeing as I was already way ahead of the class but when I finally arrived to class Mr miles walked over to my desk handing me back homework he had graded. "your a bit late miss swan" he said softly so no one else herd. "sorry sir" I never tried excuses, I think that's why the teachers liked me, I don't think it even had that much to do with the grades, I think it was mostly because I had a bullshit filter, unlike every smart ass student here. I didn't feel the need to piss every teacher here off like every student here either. How could I be a bitch to the teachers when I could see in there eyes they hated this school as much as me. Mr miles began to stroll away from my desk after shooting my a half smile but then he turned back to look down at me, letting his glasses slide down his nose "oh and Isabella starting tomorrow you will have a lab partner, there is a new boy starting and" then my bullshit filter was temporarily turned off as I pleaded with him to put him with one of the other teams , that he would hold me back, I had a thousand reasons why he shouldn't be with me but Mr miles simply said that he was a very bright boy who wouldn't hold me back. I frowned through the rest of the class. I stared at the empty spot next to me and frowned even more when I realized I wouldn't be able to put my bag on the empty seat any more, or spread my books all over the desk...I wouldn't be able to be left the hell ALONE. after hearing my horrible news I walked even slower to my next class but as I approached the door to gym I looked up to see Jessica and all her bimbo friends hanging of mikes arm laughing hysterically at him and with out thinking I just kept walking right past them to the door that led to freedom. So I escaped and ran of the school grounds and out of the school car park. The adrenalin did pump a bit when ever I skipped class not that it was something i did often but the rush it gave made it well worth it. I had never been caught and could always cover it up with a well written letter sighed by Jacob who wrote just like Billy. I walked into town stopping only to treat myself to a smoothie and ice-cream cone then I walked to the construction site Jacob was working at. I hated it when Jake started this new job in town. Usually he built houses but the company he worked for got hired to build a commercial coffee shop but right where my favorite little book store was,I was absolutely furious...that was until I saw the difference in his pay check and then all the extra week end work had definitely made our lives easier so I very quickly jumped off the moral high ground and on the Starbucks bandwagon.
I pulled myself up into the tray of our truck and watched Jake on the roof shirtless moving planks of wood around and hammering stuff in...it was pretty hott. Jake stood up wiping the sweat dripping from his face with his shirt that had been hanging out of his back pocket. He yelled out to one of the older guys on the ground, I can only assume what he said was builder code of some kind because I didn't really get any of it. Jake must of seen me out of the side of his eye because his face light up and he looked over to me flashing his big toothy smile "hey shorty" he nodded to another one of the boys standing in the frame with him who waved and nodded back. Jake climbed down and strolled over to me. As he approached I extended the arm with the cold smoothie in it , he took it straight away gulping it down. He jumped on to the tray with me. He rocked his body into mine nudging me "you ok?" he asked softly after a few minutes of waiting for me to say something. I looked up at him and smiled reassuringly at him "Im good.....really, I just didn't want to deal with gym today" Jake didn't say anything he just nodded "let's get you home" he said as he leaned over and kissed my cheek, obviously knowing I was lying about being ok.
We went through our usual afternoon rituals and finally we were home and we could relax.
I sat in the old armchair doing homework and watching Jacob sleep on the coach. He snored lightly and looked so sweet laying there that I had to take a picture. I got my camera out and creepd over to him. You could still see his skin shining from sweat and he was covered in dirt. I smiled and began clicking away. He woke halfway through a photo with a bit of shock "wow paparazzi" he laughed as he waved his arm in front of his face, I giggled and put the camera down. he smiled up at me through sleepy eyes as I sat on the ground facing him as he rolled on to his side to look at me. He was silent for for a few minutes before reaching out to wipe the hair from my face and tap my nose with the tip of his finger "whats up with you lately half-pint." he whispered "Your so quiet all the time. You havnt yelled at me in weeks and your always hiding behind that camera" he said nodding in it's direction while letting out a big yawn, I shrugged and looked down not knowing what answer to give him to make him drop it. "hey, I'm just worried about you shorty" I nodded "I no your worried but you have no need to be, really I'm.." "Come on Isabella " his voice groaned in frustration with me. I looked into his eyes and like always I couldn't lie, not just because I sucked at it but because he knew me way to well and now he could see right through me. I gave up and sighed in defeat "it just feels like the universe is against me more than usual lately and it's kinda getting to me"
"what's going on Swan" he looked even more worried then before.
"it's nothing really, it's just allot of little things, most of them are stupid and not worth the worry" "like what?" Jacob asked immediately . "well....as of tomorrow I get a brand new lab partner in science."
"seriously?...that sucks shorty, no wonder your pissed off" I smiled to myself ,only Jake would get it. he looked at me intensely for a moment, "Isabella.....I was thinking maybe instead of going out with the boys tomorrow I'll just stay home with you"
I hated it when he did this. Like I can't handle being alone for a few hours alone. I hated feeling like I needed to be babysat. I just stared at my camera acting like I didn't care; not wanting to argue. He rolled his eyes at me.
"I've gotta do some overtime tomorrow anyways, doesn't look like Roy will show up and we really gotta get a move on if were ever gonna finish this job" he looked away from me and back to the TV, "I'll pick you up from the library at six, so be out the front ready at six" I decided not to fight with him over how he just spoke to me like a child. I knew he was just tired from work, I mean he's a kid doing the work of a man. I got up and went into my bedroom for a minute to be alone. I was useless at trying to fight with Jacob, I worried privately worry to myself allot about how his temper was getting worse, but it was out of my control, And it seemed like maybe men were just like this. Behind all the bullshit and sweet nothings they were just assholes waiting to show there true colours. I saw Jacob out of the corner of my eye staring at me and then looking towards the kitchen...I knew what these looks meant.
I cooked a quick dinner and finished my homework and that's when the boredom set in, i told Jake I would get an early night but there was no way I could sleep. I was still a bit grumpy from school and jacob. I decided I wanted to go for a walk but it was really late and Jacob had been asleep on the couch since he finished dinner and I wasn't going to wake him. i thought about not going anywhere but it just seemed silly. I should be able to go for a walk if i want. With that i walked off out the frount door grabbing my jacket. Once outside i started to wonder around our lot, eventually i made my way over the garage and saw my old rusty motorbike. Jake had thrown it together for me when we were younger. I wondered if it would start? but then smiled to myself... I decided to wheel it out of the junk filled space and take it for a ride. I filled it up and walked the old beast over to the road. I felt stupid for walking it all the way to the road before seeing if it would start but a big part of me wanted to have an adventure by myself, well kind of more like I wanted to do something with out Jacob. I felt mean thinking it but sometimes it was as if I never left the house with out him. It actually gave me a bit of a rush, like I was doing something bad by going for a ride on my bike. I started the bike when I knew I was far enough away that the sound wouldn't wake him. I smiled when the bike roared to life, never once really doubting it wouldn't start .
I jumped on and took off, way too fast down the dirt road that would Lead me out of la push. I felt free. It was SO odd. Why did I feel so free. Unless I was a prisoner.
I was reckless on the bike and paid no real attention to anything except the feeling of the wind running through my hair and down my neck as it hit my cheeks. There was only one place I wanted to go. I realized I was already heading in the direction of his house. I turned down my fathers old road that was surrounded by nothing but Forrest until you found his old house buried in the woods.
The moon filled the sky and lit up the old white house as I approached it.
My heart always sank when I would creep back here, always alone, always dreaming.
I stopped the bike and pushed it over to the side of the house and used it to boost my way through the window with the broken lock that led me into the kitchen.
I smiled as my feet hit the ground. I liked that the window was still broken and that I had to put my foot in first and use it to search for the edge of the breakfast bench to stand on while I jumped in. They were the only things that ever stayed the same. It comforted me.
I wanted to get inside as fast as I could, I had seen a huge wolf around her a lot when I was younger and it scared the shit out of me. It was huge and it just starred at me as if it was thinking of all the ways it could kill me. I always ran when I saw it and Jacob never believed me that I saw it. He just always said I shouldn't be wondering around anyway, I guess some where along the way I listened because I never went anywhere.
The house was thick with dust and cobwebs, and it was on it's way to collapsing. I' wonder why they don't just knock the old thing down' i thought, but i was happy they didnt, i dont no what id do with out this connection to him.
i walked slowly through each room running my fingers over things I remembered him touching. Tears would always fall helplessly from my eyes without any warning as the few small memories I had would flood back and hit me like a tsunami.
I could sit in here for hours and hours. Just to feel like I'm still with him, like I still had my happy life...before everything went horrible wrong. I found myself just staring into the darkness of the old house. I wondered if I looked crazy sitting here like this. I wondered if anyone who wasn't crazy would have a problem sitting here in this old dark house. Just then I heard a large smash that had me on my feet in a second. In an instant I was panicking and scolding myself for being so stupid to come here alone late at night. What was I thinking. The sound was coming from outside but that just made me feel trapped...surrounded. I looked around for any object I could use as a weapon. I saw a thin long pipe on the ground and quickly shuffled over to grab it. I was sweating and shaking uncontrollable and I could feel the tears of terror hitting my cheeks. But I didn't stop to think. I just acted.
All I wanted to do was get out of the house. It was irrational. I should of just stayed calm in the LOCKED house where I was safe but like always when I felt like I was in danger...I started to feel like I was suffocating and trapped. The walls already started to close in on me and the thought of being stuck in here outweighed my fear of the noise outside. I began climbing back out the window I came in, knowing my bike was below it. I moved way to fast considering how shaky and horrified I was but I couldn't help it. I lowered my feet out the window first but started to lower my body out way to fast and my feet that were barely touching the seat of the bike lost balance. 'great' I thought as I found myself falling harshly into the hard ground. Knocking my head on an old flower pot on the ground as I crashed into it.
'Bell wake up'
The voice that sang into my unconciousness was the missing piece to my soul.it was beautiful . It was unfamiliar but at the same time it reminded me of my deepest deams. Like the house did it stung me. The way my name sounded as it fell from his mouth as if he had been saying it for an eternity. It made me ache, but in a way I have not felt in years.
'Bell! C'mon wake up....your really freaking me out'
He sounded scared and concerned for me. I gained back some strength and used it to force my eyes open to see if this angels voice was only in my mind.
I opened my eyes to see him. Hovering over me horrified.
He was bigger... obviously
He looked like a man. All the traces of the little boy I knew were all gone. But at the same time still there. His smile was the same. His voice was the same too but deep and stronger and it held a dark edge to it. His bronze hair flowed wildly on his head in thick locks.
I couldn't breathe or talk or move.
i believe iI actually felt my heart stop.
I just layed there looking up at him panting trying to catch my breath. But the more I looked up at him the more I just freaked out. Breathing just got harder and harder.
I didn't no what I was supposed to do when the only person alive that Ive wanted..no...craved, was right here, hovering over me. He stared into my eyes just as shocked as I was that I was staring up at him. I could feel my lip tremble with my body and I started to sob looking up at him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him every horrible thing that had happened since he left and tell him to fix it. I wanted to start hitting him, and demand to no why he just left me here....why he just left me here to rot. I couldn't stop crying, I still couldn't breathe properly or stop my body from the shaking in a way that made the world appear to be falling apart .His look of shock turned into something else, and I could only watch as his face crumbled and his hand slowly started to reach out to touch my face. I watched as his fingers that were only inches from me and the panic I was already in took over. For reasons unknown to me I used my feet to shuffle my body back as fast as I could to put distance between us, immediately his hands raised in front of him showing he meant no harm. I could see my whole world in his eyes. Everything I lost was there in front of me. I was so used to having nothing that the realization of having everything .....completely terrified me. I just looked at him shaking in the dirt. I couldn't control myself and I'm sure I looked insane but there was just no containing the hysteria.
He was gorgeous. I looked at him before me on his knees, his hands still raised in front of him like a criminal approaching a police officer, showing he's not armed.
The moonlight hit his face in a way that if I wasn't crying before it surly would of started when I saw his perfect features and glorious lips. His brow was creased and he looked at me so intensely that I started to wonder if he knew what it meant to me that he was here, did it even matter to him.
'Bell' he started to whispered to me sweetly and softly, but the pain in his voice was obvious.
"what are you doing here" the words came out in a horrible pained sob and every word shook with my body. I don't no why I said it but I did.
He looked extremely shocked by my words, they forced his brow into even more of a mess and it seemed for a second like he might start to laugh, like the answer was so obvious that there should be no need for me to ask. He shook his head and lowered one of his hands down slowly the other racked slowly but almost violently through his hair, pulling at it.with his hand tangled in his hair be began looking at me with a deep sadness in his eyes that forced my harsh breathing to finally hault when i saw him start to answer.
"I...I came back for you Bell...., like I promised I would" he said with a scratchy voice. I watched as his eyes became red and glassy followed by a single tear falling down his cheek and the fingers caught in his hair started to shake. Never before did I feel what it was like to want someone.
I didn't no what to say or do...i just scrambled to my feet crying louder and louder moving hysterically fast to my bike.
He stayed frozen on the ground still staring at me, no doubt as shocked by my reaction to his words as i was. It wasn't until i was on the bike next to him trying to start it that he raised off the ground turning to face me. The bike roared to a start.
"bella please..." his voice raised to take over the sound of the motorbike
I looked at him shaking my head, realizing that I just couldn't handle it. This was all just too much for me to handle and i was assured of this as i felt that my face was soaked in tears as I frantically tried to wipe my face to clear my eyes so I could see the road in front of me. He took one step closer to me holding his hands out to me pleadingly.
"please just stop and talk to me bell....you can't just leave"
but before he could finish the sentence I was taking off out of the driveway. I sped home more recklessly then before. I was panicking and there were a few very close calls but I finally arrived to the dirt road that would lead me back to the reservation. I got close enough to the house to start pushing the bike. I decided to just lean the bike up against the back wall of the garage and hurry into the house to face Jacob and the surly psychotic state he would be in. I got to the back door and and tried to steady my shaky hand as I placed the key into the lock. As I heard it click open I took a deep breath and wiped my face with clenched fist. I tried desperately to calm down but it wasn't going to happen. I shook my head violently and opened the door to find.....silence.
He layed there on the coach still fast asleep. I used my head and decided to turn the lights off. I caught a glimpse of the clock before I flicked the last switch off and realized I had been gone for almost three hours, the house was finally pitch black and I was ready to try to get him to bed like every other normal night with out him seeing the state I was in, I could just leave him there but that would just bring up more questions later, better to just do everything like normal. I walked over to Jacob and shook him awake. He looked around at the dark room still half asleep.
"c'mon let's get to bed" I whispered.
He nodded and quietly lifted himself up and started to walk into the bedroom, I followed him wordlessly, I don't no why I wasn't telling him what happened. I just acted like it was just a dream or something but the lump on my head told me it was real.
He collapsed onto the bed and moved over holding the blanket up for me to crawl into but I just stood there staring at him. He just layed there looking at me in the dark through sleepy eyes, waiting for me to just get into bed with him like it was just another night, like I wasn't just inches from Edward Cullen.
"I..." what can I say. I couldn't tell him. Jake was so jealous and he wouldn't understand the way I felt for Edward. The way my body, heart and soul ached for him every day since he'd left. I didn't even no that person I saw tonight, not like I no Jacob inside out but in another way I knew him better. Edward spoke as if he never left me, like he knew me. "Bell it's fine. Just go to sleep" Jake moaned out barely awake, he was used to me getting nervous before bed, he knew there was always a part of me that was waiting for Billy to return and tear my world apart again.but Billy was the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.i didn't no what to say or do so I simply nodded and climbed in next to him. He didn't say a word once I climbed into bed he just wrapped his huge arm over me and with in seconds he was snoring with out even realising that my heart was going a hundred miles a minute and i still had tears falling down my face uncontrollable , I was relieved i had gotten away with it, with out him finding out what had happened .
I layed there unmoving for what felt like hours despretly trying to calm down. My body ached from hyperventilating and crying. It was all a mess in my head.
Like it was a tornado that just ripped through my life and now I have to go through the rubble and try to salvage what i can. I tried to wrap my mind around it....but when I was remembering everything that happened suddenly all i could think of was his face.
His lips, his hair and skin.....and his eyes...the way they looked at me. He looked deep into my soul. All I could think of was how he hovered over me, smelling like home in the deepest way possible..and his gorgeous voice the way he spoke..I froze.thinking of him calmed me but now that I was calm all I could think of was his voice and.....
"I...I came back for you Bell...., like I promised I would"
what the fuck was that supposed to mean. I was becoming furious with him the more the words ran through my mind over and over. I mean how dare he just say that. Who the hell does he think he is to just walk in to my life after almost six years.
I wanted to curl up into a ball and just die. In one single moment my in-tire life changed and I was completely unprepared for any of it. I didn't no what I was supposed to do when he said he came back for me, what I was supposed to tell Jacob but most importantly I didn't no why I felt this strongly for someone who I didn't even no. Why did he matter to me at all. When ever I played over him coming back in my head....well lets just say it never went like that. In my dreams I was confident and firm, I would demand answers. And make him unblock my lost memories. I never thought I would be fighting the urge to leap into his arms and hold him close. what was happening.
I mean, I was jakes girl...there was no question to that, but this wasn't about anything physical or sexual... It was coming from something inside of me. Something that tore at my insides and made me feel empty and alone... until i looked into his eyes. How could he make me feel like this, how could he make me feel whole again just by looking into his eyes.
I fell asleep from exhaustion dreaming about him.
my eyes snapped open in the very early hours of the morning.
"shit" I whispered; He was one of the new boys at school. I felt my face burn red. He was going to be there. I was so embarrassed I couldn't believe it, as if it wasn't bad enough that I made myself look like a total freak but now he gets to see an entire school that thinks I'm a freak.
I pulled the blanket over my face and layed there and died a little inside. It was definitely one of those end of the world moments that I've heard about normal teenage girls having over boys...I didn't realise that it actually would feel like the end of the world.
My eyes started to well up, and I quickly shook it off. If Jake woke and saw me crying it would start a hundred questions I didn't want to answer so I decided to get out of bed and shake it off. I slid out of bed and walked over to the dresser grabbing out a pair of Jeans and a sweater. After having a shower and spending an hour trying to get my hair under control I gave up on the mess of curls and walk away. I started to cook a big lot of eggs and bacon and put it on the table with a cup of coffee.
"Jacob Black, time to get up" I yelled out from the kitchen, I could hear him groan followed by the loud thuds of his feet approaching. He walked into the kitchen in nothing but his work pants and sat at the table. I was often taken aback by his huge form. It looked like he was out growing the house. It freaked me out a bit sometimes, I guess because in my head he was still a little boy and when I saw this giant before me it me to realize we weren't kids, we lost our shot. I drank a cup of coffee at the bench watching Jacob hover down his breakfast trying to listen to him babble on about work but I knew the time to leave for school was growing closer and the butterflies in my stomach seemed to be getting angrier and angrier.
"what's up" Jake asked curiously, I realized I was staring at the ground.
"huh" my head snapped up
"your blushing; why"
I shook my head angrily "maybe I should stay home today" I turned my back to him rinsing the pan and few other things surrounding the sink.
"no way Isabella, get your ass into that piece of shit truck. Cause your going girl" he chuckled out shaking his head.
"but...I" I tried to argue but he cutt me off again.
"TRUCK.YOU.NOW" his voice raised, I couldn't hear any mercy in his tone.
I knew I wouldn't get my way.
We didn't talk the whole way and when he dropped me off we didn't say goodbye. I slammed the door to the truck and stormed off into the school. Jacob would of thought I was trying to get away from him as fast as I could move my feet but truly I just wanted to get to the library and just hide in a dark corner, but well two birds one stone.
I just had to make it through the quad and I would be safe to hide but my life was not that easy.
I paused in the centre of the quad.
He walked gracefully through the crowd that stared at him, he seemed completely unaffected by all of there looks and whispers.
Then he stopped dead in his tracks and turned staring right back into my eyes through all the people passing between us.I pulled the small pile of text books I had been carrying to tightly to my body, so much that it hurt.
I could feel my cheeks becoming hotter and hotter. My eyes filled with tears by the simple sight of him and the overwhelming need to have him back, like I knew in my bones he was mine. As we stared at each other I remembered.... flashes of him and I. He was whispering in my ear making me giggle. Kissing my cheek and taking my hand in his. I remembered feeling important. I mattered to him, for reasons I would never understand.
It was like everything inside of me remembered him.
Like my heart remembered him.
I stared at him for a moment and started to build up courage. He looked at me willing me to come to him, probably because he thought if he came to me I'd run again.
But as I started to walk towards him, each step made my knees weaker and the pain in my stomach worse and after only taking a few shaky steps I felt a large jolt to my hip, Jessica and her band of bitches had come storming past me. Jessica had barged me with her elbow and as I fell onto the damp ground, scattering my text books I had been carrying. Instantly I heard hysterical laughing.
But not just by Jessica.
By everyone in the quad.
I realized mud was all down my jeans and I could feel it covering my face. I could feel the tears spilling out.
I wanted to scream.
To beat the crap out of her.
I wanted to kill her, but as I looked up to see her standing over me.
I said nothing.
She smiled as I desperately tried to get my books together. I took one look over my shoulder to see him before I fled only to see everyone still laughing but in amongst that Edward was trying to make his way through the swam of people.
I ran through the door and down the busy hall way to the girls toilets, locking myself in the closest one as i ran in. I couldn't help but hit my head over and over with my fists as i starred at my name and a thousand horrible things written about me. I hate it here. I hate it here. I tried to calm down but it was useless. "arrrrggghhhh" I groaned through my teeth.
Why. Seriously. I finally stopped crying and left the toilet to go to the sink and wash the mud off.
After I was looking as close to presentable as I could make myself I picked up my bag and books and started to walk out as the bell rang. I closed my eyes tightly before turning the handle.
Ok I can do this. Breathe Bell...just breathe.
I swung the door open and walked quickly make my way to science. I walked in to the class room with my head down. Luckily I was the first to arrive. I went straight to my seat at the back by the window and started to get my note book and pen out, then I shuffled through my text books but it wasn't there , everyone began walking in and taking there seats. I could hear the teacher talking, but I payed no attention. I was sure Jessica would be staring at me and I just couldn't face her. The thought that she was right there made me shake. I opened my bag to see if I had maybe put my science book in there. but nothing and before i realised what must of happened the book i had been searching for was slowly pushed in front of me. I looked up next to me. Edward stood right next to me, towering over me. He looked at me and forced a smile through his worried expression.
He then slowly and cautiously sat on the stool next to me, his eyes never leaving mine. I felt pathetic and humiliated...I was sure I still looked like crap and he would of heard everyone talk about me.
The shame took over and I looked down not wanting him to see my eyes well up and I was sure they would soon betray me and release the thousands of tears I was saving for home. I could feel Jessica staring at us, burning holes in me.
But I had already made the decision not to look anywhere near her seat or her band of bitches. I looked at my hands fidgeting on the table in front of me. I glanced over to see if Edward was still looking at me with the same compassion in my eyes that made me want to cry in his arms. But as I lifted my head to look at him I saw mike staring from the desk beside us. I felt surrounded. Trapped. But oddly safe.
Edward looked over to see what had caught my eye. To see Mike. Grinning evilly at me. He saw that Edward was looking but he just giggled to himself and looked back down at his book still smiling to himself. Edward looked back at me, but I didn't move. Then I felt it. I looked down to see his fingers softly laying on my tightly tangled hands.
"you OK bell" he whispered
But I didn't answer I just stared at his huge hand wrapped over both of mine. Right there on the desk for everyone to see.
"Bell are you hurt"
I didn't even no how to answer that.
Was I hurt?.
Yes. Deeply. Beyond repair.
I shook my head when I looked over to see him leaning closer to me. He looked angry,horrified. Worried. But mostly he just looked deeply sad.
"Page thirty four people" the teacher yelled out again, eyeing Edward and I.
Edward didn't seem to notice or care. I went to move my hands to open my book but his grip on them tightened slightly and I could feel his thumb lightly rubbing my hand soothingly. I felt my mouth drop open and I couldn't help but let out a shaky breath. He just starred deep into my eyes, like he was searching for something.
I couldn't help it and I looked over once more quickly to see if mike was staring. I hated Jessica to death but it was different with mike, he horrified me. I can not be sure how far he will try to take it with me each time. I can't really even tell if it's just a joke or a game to him, how he treats me, Just more proof to me that men are ass holes. Sometimes I wondered if the problem was with Jacob, kind of a fuck you to the guy who beat the shit out of him. But still I dread to think of how far he'd go if he got jealous of another guy showing any kind of interest in me. My eyes darted from Edward to mike a few times before I reluctantly pulled away from his soothing safe touch and opened my book. Edward looked at me for a few seconds before looking to his side. He stared at mike and for a second mike just stared right back at Edward with a filthy expression spread across his face. Edward looked back at me. He didn't seemed phased by Mike. He just stared at me confused. Like he was trying to put puzzle pieces together. Then he looked around the room and back to me. His expression changed again. He shook his head to himself and looked down at his book opening it. I wonder if he just caught on to the fact that being anywhere near me was social suicide. I shifted my body a bit to try to give him back the space he filled between us back but as soon as I did he moved his whole chair over close to me. Then he leaned back in his seat looking over my shoulder as I looked down at the text book. He still looked angry but I could see now that he wasn't angry with me. He leaned His body in to mine and reached in front of me, his body blocked my view of mike as he changed the page of my book, he scrolled through and stopped on page 34, and ran his finger down the page to where the teacher was reading from. It really was like he never left. I remembered him doing the same thing when I was younger and he saw me getting lost in day dreams. I couldn't help but look over at him leaning back in his seat, he smiled at me because he remembered it too. I weakly smiled back. I missed my friend. He kept smiling to himself through the anger and then let his arm rest on the back of my chair. He wasn't touching me but it still felt like he had his arm wrapped around me protectively.
Every now and then trough class I would feel him staring at me or touch me so lightly that I can't even really be sure if he was doing it.
The bell rang for lunch but neither of us moved as if we had an unspoken agreement to finally talk. In seconds the class was empty. Mike was the last to leave looking over his shoulder the whole time.I didn't think that Edward noticed him because he never looked at him as he moved from his seat.
"jelous ex?" he asked nodding in his direction and I'm guessing trying to break the ice. I shook my head in disgust "god no!" I whispered back.
"Are you sure you didn't get hurt earlier, I tried to.." he sounded almost guilty. But this had nothing to do with him. Jacob came into my head, then Billy , Mike and Jessica..he didn't need this. He didn't need my problems.
"look Edward, I..... you don't owe me anything, i mean... You dont no these kids. You should just stay away from me before..." I started to babble when his hand grasped my fidgeting hands again cutting me off, not that I could keep talking once I felt his touch, all I could do was stare at his fingers touching my hands
"I tried to get to you, but you ran off, I was worried about you" he paused looking at his hand on mine, covering them.
"I'm sorry Bell, I didn't no it was like this for you. I mean...why is it like this, you have to tell someone or let me..."
I shook my head looking at him seriously and he stopped talking
"you can't tell anyone anything Edward, you don't understand" I was becoming hysterical
"Then Explain it to me Bell....Because I don't get it. I mean what the fuck." his voice was soft but harsh. He sounded so frustrated. Worried.
"you wont understand" i sobbed out. I pulled my hands free from his and dropped my face into them wiping the tears violently away. But I left my face in them as my elbows leaned onto the desk. i felt my hair drop and fall in-front of my face.
"Bell.... Look at me" he sounded sweet and determined. But I didn't want him to look at me so I didn't move except to shake my head.
"Can you just drop it!" I huffed out, shaking on every word.
"OK Bell.. I'll drop it OK,for now" he whispered back. I felt his fingers run up my arm and onto my hands and slowly plying them of my face and back down to the table, he cupped my cheek and turned my face to his. His whole body was angeled to face me.
"I missed you Bell...Every day. Your all ive thought of, Ive felt sick since that night when, im so sorry, I no I promised...."
"do you mean when the police found me at your house and took me after the funeral?" I asked curiously. I had no idea what he was he was talking about.
He looked at me for a long moment.
"At my house? No that was long before..." he stopped, looking into my eyes. Searching hopelessly for an answer in my eyes.
"then when?" he looked so shocked and I understood it would be a surprise for him to find out how much of my childhood I'd lost.
He shook his head again never breaking eye contact.
"three years ago, almost exactly." I felt my mouth drop. I started to pant.
"Bell" he looked worried again.
three Years!!! That couldn't be. I mean I don't remember.... Then my life started to look more and more blank. I felt my bottom lip start to shake.
"Bell... Whats going on, It's me..Eddie"
. I wanted to run and hide. I could feel the walls closing in. But then he called himself Eddie, My chest tightened. It became impossible to breathe.I tried to do what I always did when I felt like this...run. In an instant I tried to take off but it was useless his arms tightened around my waist pulling me back into the place I have yearned for. I cried and cried into his hard chest, but I pushed him away after seconds. The way it sounded, it reminded me of his sweetness , his love..He was my Eddie, I remembered that much. This isn't ok, I'll ruin him, or he'll leave. The panic was overwhelming and forced my heart to brake to break, something that i thought was impossible, seeing as it wasn't whole to start with.
"Bell please tell me whats going on.." I pulled back slightly to look him in the eyes. I wanted some kind of explanation. Something. What happened.
"I can't remember. I've forgotten OK" I became frustrated and furious with my self, I grabbed on to his upper arms squeezing them. But he never looked away from me. His forehead was creased and his eyes were red and glassy, "what do you mean, you've forgotten me?" I could see he didn't understand, how could he, when even I didn't.
"Bell, what happend to you?." he whispered. Searching my eyes despretly again for the answer.
"I don't want to talk about any of this, besides you need to get to class Edward"
His face grew sadder when he realized what I this meant for me.
"You dont remember Charlie?" i closed my eyes tightly at the sound of his name out loud.
"I can't talk about this" I barely whispered still trying to breathe.
"Please just drop it" I scratched out. Shaking on every word.
The bell rang and I could hear the hallways starting to fill.
He braced my shoulders and pulled me back so that I was facing him.
"let's get out of here, me and you" I looked at him shocked.
"It's your first day...You can't just"
"Bell. I need to talk to you. It's been three years..." he stroked the hair from my face. At the feel of his touch I couldn't deny him anything. I laughed. And the sound lit his face up but he also pulled his hand from my face to my upper arm.
"I'm not trying too, I mean..." I could see the desperation in his eyes and I could feel his grip loosen.
"ok...let's go" I interrupted.
What was I thinking...oh yeah, I wasn't.
His face softened in to a sweet crooked smile. There were no words to describe it. Except perfect maybe.
His fingers twirled into mine and we looked at each-other and let out a giggle like...well, kids I guess.
We ran hand in hand down the hallways to fast, sliding on the slippery floors at the corners. It was fun. We burst through the double doors that would lead us out to the car park.
Edward dragged me along in to the lot, over to a shiny silver Volvo. He clicked the button and pulled the passenger door open for me. Once again i froze.
"Wow...is it yours"
He shrugged it off still huffing from the run.
"yeah. Its just a car. C'mon lets go" he waved his arm for me to get in. He seemed to not want to pay any attention to the car, so I went to hop in, but had to have one last look at him when I saw the leather interior.
He made his way to the drivers seat. I'd never been in a car like this. It was well...amazing. I sat still with my hands on my lap. I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. I looked down at my shoes to see if I had gotten mud everywhere.
"Bell please relax....seriously it's just a car"
I tried to at least look relaxed slouching back in my seat slightly, it wasn't easy.
The car barely made a noise as he started it.It was nothing like the big old truck that turned heads when ever it was started, I didn't ask where we were going. I didn't really care. I just rested back on to the head rest and stared at him while he drove us out of town.He seemed so serious, he concentrated on the road and nothing else, he seemed to be having an argument with himself in his head, the way he ran his fingers through his hair with one hand while the other clutched the steering wheel tightly except his index finger witch seemed almost unattached to his tense body as it taped to the beat of the CD playing .It was obvious after a few minutes that we were going to Charlies house. We got to the dirt road and he looked over at me, I was staring at him still. I knew he was checking my reaction.
He finally pulled up near the dark old house.
We sat in silence for a long moment before he nodded to the meadow next the house. He got out of the car and he walked over to me as I got out. We strolled over still in silence. He sat on the soft grass under a big old tree. I stood over him looking down at him with the sun on.
"Your beautiful Bell. Just gorgeous."
I felt my cheeks burn as he looked into my eyes me with a perfect smile. He leaned forward and patted the ground.
"Sit with me."
I had to stop and think. I honestly didn't want to hurt anyone I just went with what my heart said to do. I hadn't really wondered what the next step would be, what he wanted from this. But I guess it didn't really matter right now because I couldn't help but sit down.
"Do you remember anything about us being here, when we were kids I mean?" he didn't waste time, I could see his curiosity about what happened. But I knew he was going to start asking questions that I didn't have answers too.
"Edward there's nothing. I just can't . "
"Why did you block everything out Bell." I just shook my head at his whispers because I didn't no why. Why would I?.
Part two - loosing all I had
Contentment is what people spend a life time looking for, and I was lucky enough to achieved it right after my of life started.
I was born only a few months before my best friend.
The person who I felt the biggest connection to ever. I've never had a moment in my life where I didn't want her, I've never known what it's like to not need her. To most people that would probably sound beautiful and romantic but it's been a knife in my heart since I was Nine years old.
I lived on the outskirts of Forks with my parents Esme and Carsile , and my two older brothers Emmett and Jasper.We were a close family and I loved my two big brothers who I can honestly say would do anything for me,But my favorite person on this earth has always been Isabella Marie Swam...My Bell,
I remember my childhood as being perfect with her. It was a fairytale.
She lived a short walk away from me so it was rare we were apart. We spent every available minute together. I would wake before sunrise some mornings to her tapping on my bedroom window.
Bell had never been a good sleeper, and even though she got in trouble all the time off Charlie for sneaking out before he or the sun gets up, she never stopped. She would always just giggle everything off with Charlie. Even when I saw him try to be serious with her, they would both just end up smiling at each-other. It was kind of adorable. Well she is adorable and just impossible to be mad at.
Our first day off school we walked in hand in hand.
I decided to be strong for Bell that day. Even though I remember that I was horrified.
She was quiet and reserved. Not like other kids our age, that couldn't sit still for a minute.
You could look in her eyes and see that her head was in the clouds.
That she was unaffected by the harshness of the world. The result of growing up in a family that spoiled her rotten and indulged any fantasy.
She had Easy Target written all over her.
I don't remember ever not wanting to protect her from the assholes of the world. It proved hard, if not impossible when we started school.
From day one it seemed like other kids went out of there way to be cruel to her.
Tripping her over while she was carrying books.
Throwing things at her ,calling her names, it slowly turned bell into an anxious mess. I hated that.
I had watched her stand on cliff edges and be completely confident but as soon as we would walk through the schools front doors she would shake like a leaf. Waiting for the next asshole drove her silently mad while and me too.
Eventually it would happen and the chain of events would start.
When this did happen a different part of my brain would take over. I can't really explain it. I honestly could not control myself. If I ever saw anyone try to hurt her I would simply walk over punch them straight in the face.
James was one of her main enemys.
He was out to get her from day one. It started out as one of those 'he's just being mean cause he likes you things' but by the time we were seven it was just obvious that James was just a horrible little shit of a kid.
I was waiting at our table for Bella to get her lunch from her locker.
I saw her walk into the crowded lunchroom with her head down looking through her bag for something when Victoria, Jame's's best friend knocked into her with her elbow, swinging her around so that she wasn't facing me anymore, while James snuck up behind her and stuck a sign on her back.
I was already with in inches of her by the time James started to giggle to himself about his curl jokes.
I reached over and pulled the sign of her back scrunching it up in my hand not bothering to read it. Bell turned around just in time to see me punch James in the face. He layed on the ground, crying and holding his nose. I looked at Bell, she was stunned but not all to surprised.
It wasn't the first punch I threw for her and it definitely would not be the last. She looked down at him and then back at me raising her eyebrow at me. I was in trouble.
"my hand slipped" I laughed throwing my hands up on front of me.
She grinned back at me shaking her head.
"I was going for a high five..Seriously" I laughed out defending myself while she dragged me through the lunchroom door
"high five hey" she replied looking back down at him again before closing the door, then looking back to me.
"with a closed fist" she said putting her hands on her hips, but before I could answer she wrapped her fingers into mine dragging me away once again from the scene of the crime.
"seriously, I don't have many friends. I forgot how" she didn't stop to listen, she just kept pulling me outside.
"You forgot how to high five, So what, next time you get into a fight are you going to high five his face?" I laughed at her comment but she didn't, she was pissed of.
She never let them know that they got to her, like they got to me. The difference between us that I showed it. I just couldn't help myself.
In no other area of my life was my temper brought to the surface. But when it came to Bell I was totally insane.
As soon as I saw someone try to hurt her or put a bump in her road I would see red and loose it.
This anger issue did not exactly give me the best reputation. But I really could of cared less. Bell hated it. She always told me to let it go and except what is.
But that would have to be Over my dead body and that's exactly what I would tell her.
My parents and Charlie always tried to pull me in line, with Bell always at there sides, with her hands on her hips, looking all angry.I couldn't help but smile on the inside at her every time she got like this.
When we wernt at school everything was perfect. There were a million little things that made us special , things people could never understand.
We had discovered the world together. Every birthday ,Christmas's and thanksgiving all of it was with her. We learnt to swim and ride bikes together, everything was with her.
When I was ten we lost everything.
It came out of no where.
It was only a few months until Bells tenth birthday. I already had everything organized for her party in the meadow, it would be all pink and sweet. Pin the tale on the donkey and crap like that. Anything to make her smile, to make her as happy as I could. Because even at that age I knew how important that day was. With out it I wouldn't have her.
There were no signs
The day my world would forever change started like any other.
I woke at around 2am to my window sliding open. Every now and then I would hear this noise but never worried about it.
I'd just move to the left side of the bed and hold the blanket up until I would feel Bells tiny freezing body crawl in next to me. She said she had horrible dreams of loosing me on these nights.
So she would run through the dark scary Forrest to my house.
I didn't get how that wasn't more terrifying to her.
She would always be gone before I woke, running back through the Forrest as the sun rose with the huge white wolf that always showed up to escort her home.
I could only imagine how beautiful she would of looked running through the thick fog in the meadow in her white babydoll night gowns, she always looked like an angel in. Too see that would of been something to hang onto. Too see her free like that.
I promised her as we fell back to sleep in my bed that I would meet her by the new tire swing Carlisle made us.
I awoke in empty bed like every other day but I could still smell her sweet scent of vanilla and cherries lingering in the air and all over her side of the bed.
I got up and and got dressed as fast as I could and started to make my way downstairs. As soon as I opened my door I could see Jasper and Emmett wrestling on the ground in the hall. I jumped over them and ran down the stairs.
"Morning kiddo" Carlisle stood by the backdoor still wearing scrubs from working as a doctor at the hospital.
"Dad" I said a little to surprised.
I wondered if he'd seen Bell running home through the back meadow.
He laughed at my guilty expression as I stood frozen for a second.
"what's happening son" he chuckled as he walked over patting me on the head as he passed. He was used to me looking like I had been up to no good.
"nothing" I yelled out so he could hear me in the kitchen because I had no intention to follow.
I could see he was exhausted from the night shift he'd just finished so I decided to take the opportunity to flee.
"well I gotta go, I promised Bell" I said as I started to walk for the back door but as i started to twist the handle I heard him from the kitchen.
"She's fast" he said, I froze and turned to look at him leaning up against the bench in the kitchen. Staring at me while he sipped his coffee. 'Dam it' . I smiled cheekily at him.
"she sure is" I answered with a smile as I decided to make a run for it.
"Where talking about this tonight Edward"
I heard his voice echo out as I ran through the meadow to where she would surly be waiting.
I ran into the Forrest towards the river. When I approached the swing I paused in my tracks. I couldn't see her anywhere.
I looked around but suddenly I was knocked off my feet. I looked over as I lay on my back next to her.
She giggled hysterically before resting her head on my chest to catch her breath. I smiled at the embrace on the Forrest floor.
"busted...hey" she whispered. She must of seen Carlisle was home this morning.
"he says your fast" I chuckeled trying to lighten the mood.
She lifted her head and angled her self to look at me.
She faintly smiled at me.
"yeah I'm like the wind" she said rolling her eyes.
I peeked down at her looking up at me.
I could tell she had more on her mind then just getting busted by Carlisle, we both knew our parents well enough to no that as far as discipline went...well they kind of sucked at it.
"what's up Bell" I asked. She lifted up sitting and staring deep into my eyes. I knew this look all to well. What ever she had dreamt of last night had stayed with her. I knew that it had something to do with me, because she always ended up in my bed when I was in her nightmares.
"there just dreams" Bell answered casually,she knew what I was getting at.
I smiled her favorite crooked smile at her and leaned over and kissed her lightly on the cheek and then moved my lips slowly to her ear "that's right..just bad dreams. Nothing bad will happen, I won't let it" I whispered. I didn't realise at the time how big a promise I was making, maybe too big a promise for a ten year old to make.
I looked back at her face to see her still blushing from the kiss but all the worry in her eyes had disappeared and her sweet gorgeous smile returned.
I got up on my feet and put my hand out to help her up, she it when I did that.
I walked her over to the swing and helped her up. We swung together for the longest time. Just talking. I could sit and talk to her forever. The way her mind and heart worked made me adore her more and more.
She told me how someday we would go to New York City and other wonderful places that she dreamed of and do all of these exciting things.
New York was probably her favourite of the fantasies. She loved the idea of a town that never slept. She told me over and over how big everything looked in the pictures, how everything was lit up.
Unlike Forks, after seven thirty the entire town would shut down until the only glimmer left came from the street lights.
She knew there was so much out there just waiting for her, a whole world of excitement and adventure. Just waiting.
I was different, I could of sat right here in this Forrest forever with out a second thought.
As long as I had her, I honestly didn't care were I was.
Suddenly our conversation was interrupted by the echo of barking followed by a long howl. We both smiled and lept to our feet running in the direction of the sound and Bells house. It was Scout.
When Bell turned five Charlie gave her a beautiful white Wolf pup that he got from his old partner and one of his best friends Malcolm who had four of them last time I saw him.
Bell named her puppy Scout instantly. When Charlie asked why Scout, she simply answered "Because it's her name".
Bell and Scout loved each other to death. It was obvious Scout adored Bell, how she played with her even when it started to become obvious Scout had out grown them before Bell. She and Bell would snuggle up every night to watch tv together, Scout loved watching tv with Bell. She would often watch black and white movies so she knew they were seeing the same thing. As much as they loved each other , It was obvious that Scouts love for Charlie was much like Bells. Completely and utterly unconditional.
Scout would wait for Charlie on the porch to get home from work each day. We would know when Charlie was on his way because Scout would always howl when he sensed his return. Scout would always know he was coming long before he got there. She would be by his side every chance she got. She was smart and she had this almost zen about her. I would look into her eyes and then see the way she looked at Bell and Charlie and it was almost like she thought she was Human maybe or maybe she looked at us as her pack to protect. She would always look over us playing in the Forrest, she wouldn't make it obvious but we would catch her watching us from a far, making sure we were OK.
She and I decided to go back to her house for lunch, By the sounds of Scout we would catch Charlie on his break plus we wanted to avoid Carlisle and the lecture for a few more hours. I chased her through the meadow to the Forrest that would lead us to her home. She really was fast. There was no way to catch her , it was one of those moments when the world disappeared and all that was left was the sound her laugh made as it echoed through the the huge old trees. I'll never forget how she looked that day. Not as long as I live.
She was free and alive and right in that moment she was mine.
The creamy coloured fluffy fairy dress she was wearing had patches of dirt and grass stains from us playing in the meadow. I stopped in her backyard. I had to drop down to my knees panting, trying to catch my breath.
"Eddie" She yelled over her shoulder , When she realized I wasn't behind her . I leaded up slightly to see her running back to me. I smiled widely at her approaching me.
"Hey, Did you want me to get you some water" I shook my head and reached out to hold her hand, I still couldn't talk so I just smiled again at her and shook my head.
"You should of told me to slow down" she said.I would Never. I loved to watch her run so fast she looked as if she may fly.
She sat down next to me for and looked over at the driveway waiting for me to catch my breath. We could see Charlies police cruiser sitting there.
"do you think he's spoken to Carlisle?" she said looking the direction of her house.
I shook my head.
"he'll wait till you get picked up this afternoon I think" I was sure Carlisle would want to talk to Charlie more about the reasons behind her feeling the need to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. It was a conversation I'm sure he wouldn't want to disturb Charlie with at work.
Our families were always close. Esme and Renee, Bells mum; we very close. I've seen photos of them all together and happy. There were other photos I had come across of her and Esme pregnant with us. One of my favorites was a picture of them pressing there huge bellies together and laughing. It was my and bells first photo together, taken right here in this backyard. but she never wanted to see it. She never looked at any photos of her mother. She always told me they would get in her head. Make her crazy.
I think she just didnt want to wonder why she was abandond by the person who was ment to love her the most.When ever I tried to show hew pictures of her mother just to see the unremarkable resemblence but she would always say "why would I want to look at pictures of someone I don't know when I have hundreds of pictures of people I love" wich was true. Esme was crazy with cameras. bell , my brothers and I grew up in Esmes spot light. The loving bright photos of days that would only be dreams of a life I once had.
We walked up the stairs to go into Bells room after we convinced Charlie to make us hot-dogs for lunch and on the way passing the large shot gun leaned up against the front door.
"are you and Charlie going hunting?"
She shook her head.
"No. He's taking Scout and going with Sam Uley on Friday, didn't Carlisle tell you I'm sleeping over. Esme said she would watch snow white with me"
I was happy she wasn't going with Charlie hunting. Bell never went out hunting animals on the trips. She would just stay at the cabin with Sam Uleys wife and daughter Leah.
Charlie took bell for other reasons.
He was constantly trying to teach her about gun safety and what they were for. The damage they could do. Because he was a cop and a hunter there were always guns around.
Originally Charlie never wanted bell to have anything to do with guns. Until Bell was one years old.
I heard my parents and Charlie talking about when Bells mum left them and Charlie was a wreck. Esme cared for bell as much as she could to give charlie a chance to adjust or as i heard my father say 'drink himself with in an inch of his life'.
But one day Charlie had finished work and left his gun holster hanging on the stool at the breakfast bench in the kitchen. He sat in the lounge room in his chair staring at bell crawling around on the ground. He would only look after her if he knew he would be sober, Carlisle credited him on that
through out the conversation. But Charlie said that the drinking wasn't the problem. His head simply wasn't in the game.
He was going through the motions.
Not really paying attention to bell. He wasn't putting her first, he couldn't pay attention to anything but his own grief.
He admitted that particular day he didn't even notice bell leave the room. She crawled out while he was deep in thought. He looked around the room for her in a sudden panic. He ran into the kitchen to find bell holding his gun, she sat on the ground playing with it looking right down the barrel. Charlie plied the gun from bells hands and stared at her for hours. he couldn't believe he had just left his gun hanging there. He never imagined he could do something so stupid.
Carlisle told him over and over that the safty was on and it was just an accident. But Charlie said he would never forgive himself. He knew how many children died playing with there patents guns.
How horrible accident like that could of led to....
So he wanted to make sure Bell knew everything about guns. She could pull one apart and put it back together. She also knew to never touch them. Bell was extremely responsible with them and that's why when there was a home invasion in port Angela's, Charlie decided to teach her how to fire one, he became more and more horrified that something could happen, he desperately wanted her to be able to protect herself, and that's why my princess bell is secretly a hectic gun girl.
Charlie and I starred at eachother for a few seconds raising our eyebrows at eachother and finishing off the hot dogs he had made us for lunch as bell went on and on about the movie they were going to see tonight.
"it has Unicorns! I love unicorns!" she almost screamed while looking at the ad for the movie in the newspaper.
I tried not to laugh at the thought of Charlie having to sit through the whole pretty ,pink crap bell always watched.
She started to tell us about how she heard there was allot of singing and dancing in it and the princess finds the unicorn....blah blah blah but I looked at Charlie to see he was almost horrified at the description of the movie. I smiled cheekily at him raising my eye brows at him when I heard about the unicorn and the princess's grand adventure.
He looked at me and gave me an almost evil grin.
"I feel so rude" he spoke over bells excitement, I started to shake my head at him, he wouldn't dare....would he?
"I forgot all about Edward, we'd love you to come son. I'm sure you'll enjoy it" he smiled at me knowingly.
My mouth was hanging open.
That sneaky son of a.....
"yes yes yes. Please Edward come with us. It will be so much fun. Were going for dinner first and..."
I couldn't even listen to her. I just stared at him.
"Trader" I finally whispered to him across the table when I came to my senses , while bell was still frantically squirming but he just laughed to himself and dropped his hand to his side patting Scout who was sitting by his side. He knew better then anyone how weak I was when it came to bell. I'd do anything.
Just to see her smile, I dread to think of limits I would go to.
I would even watch movie based on a god dam horse with a fucking horn.
Charlie waved and laughed as he pulled out of the driveway. I gave him a dirty look and shook my head but stopped quickly when bell looked back at me after waving goodbye.
We turned at the same time and ran back into the Forrest when the cruiser disappeared down the road.
With out a word we ran to our usual spot. I followed her up the steep rocky hill in the Forrest that led to the clearing. This was our spot. No one ever found us here but we could always find each other here, the only one who knew about our spot was Scout. Scout would run with us in the afternoons through The lush grass and wild flowers that filled the meadow were beautiful and I knew she loved it here for more then just the peace, it was out of a fairytale and just on the edge of the clearing was a cliff edge over looking the ocean. It was the most horrifying drop i had ever seen and always gave me vertigo but i got over it. She loved the view and this was were we came to watch the sun set.
I could see bell standing on the cliff edge. I sat just a few feet away. She was way too close for my liking but she always looked so comfortable day dreaming as she looked over the edge.
"Bell" I almost whispered, not wanting to startle her while she is so close to death.
She turned slowly looking at me.
"we should go, I mean Charlie will be" I paused staring into her eyes. The worry that filled her eyes and left her looking as though she had a sixty year old women stuck inside her. She would never talk to anyone in full about what was going on inside her head. Charlie always thought she told me everything but I knew her soul was full of secrets that she may never reveal to anyone. I wanted her to tell me why she sometimes looked like she could cry forever,
Why she looked caged in unless she was running free through the Forrest or standing on the edge of death. She reminded me of a bird longing to be free'd, but I could never figure out what or who was keeping her prisoner.
She slowly walked the lining of the edge towards me. There are no words for my nervousness watching her with in inches of her own death. She was so calm and graceful, for some reason when she stood up here her whole energy changed. She changed. It was like she was a million years old with a million secrets. If only she would look at the pictures of her mother to see the same longing that her own eyes held. Maybe it would make things worse for her. I think she liked to think of her mother as a faceless monster, instead of women who simply couldn't find the place that made her feel whole, and because of that she left her daughter feeling the same way.
Scout sat beside me watching her and i could almost feel her heart pound in sync with mine waiting for her to slip.
Every second that followed her walking towards me from the cliff edge was like some kind of movie. So many parts of it... I just want to, rewind and stop and fast foward but I can't. I can't stop her from leading me home and can't stop myself from following. Why didn't I just keep her there for the night. We could all still be together.
"Eddie. Bell. Get home you two"
Esme's voice chimed through the air. We ran faster and faster hoping she wouldn't figure out how far off we wondered.
We ran into the field that surrounded my house. I could see Esme standing on the back porch. She had left to see an old friend a few days ago and this was the first bell and I had seen her since she left. Bell ran faster and faster with Scout beside her. Esme goggled at the sight of the three of us. I could see she was happy to see us both. But I could also see how wide her smile got when bell got closer to her. Esme walked down the stairs and leaned down with her arms open to catch bell in. She jumped into her arms and Esme pulled her off the ground, I quite happily settled for hugging her side. She held us both close and led us inside, Like always I turned to watch Scout running back to the their house to wait for Charlie to finish work. Like she was a babysitter just dropping us off.
I was tackled down by Jasper and Emmette when I walked through the front door she shook her head and stepped over us with bell still in her arms.
They walked into the kitchen where Carlisle was, sitting her on the high bench. Bell was so happy to see Esme that she didn't realize she was being surrounded.
They stood doating over her. Playing with her curls and wiping the dirt from her snow white cheeks. She swung her feet playfully. Until Carlisle started to talk to her about her running through the Forrest in the middle of the night.
"it's dangerous Bell, what if you got hurt"
"if something's bothering you sweet heat you can tell us."
"Your father is so worried, we just wants you to talk to us"
Esme and Carlisle kept going and going. But bell just sat staring at Esme with a small hint of a smile only I would notice. The soft loving looks that flowed between them always made me feel humble. They belonged to her just as much as they did to my brothers and I. They had raised her and knew her inside and out as much as Charlie did. Carlisle rubbed her back while he leaned next to her.
I walked in quietly but bell still noticed me. I winked at her. We both knew this was just..love.
Carlisle saw her looking in my direction. He straightened up and looked over at me.
"do have some light to shed on this"
Carlisle knew that even if I knew that it wouldn't make any difference. Never once had I betrayed her. I kept all her secrets.
I looked up at them standing over me. Bell smiled waiting my response , raising her eyebrow cheekily. Just then before I could answer Charlie walked in behind them setting his hat down on the bench. Bell turned back to see Charlie and then sunk down looking back at me. I hadn't thought they would be this convinced she could hurt herself. But they did have a tendency to overreact when it came to bells safety. She was there princess.
"Well son, speak up" Charlie announced breaking the silence. Everyone stared at me.
"she just...likes..to..........run" it was lame , but it was all I could think of.
"I do" she nodded in agreement "and where else would I run too" she sounded so god dam adorable.
They explained to us over and over how we needed to be more responsible. How we can't just assume there is no danger in the Forrest. Bad things could happen. I didn't see how true there words really were.
It didn't last too long once they could see that they were just repeating themselves.
"Alright then you two outside. I'll be out in a minute" Charlie raised his hand waving it towards the back door. Esme picked bell up off the bench and held her close for a few seconds, then she kissed her on the cheek and put her on her feet. We scattered out the backdoor leaving them to talk.
Everything was normal. We went to the usual restaurant that we always went too. We ordered the same thing we always ordered. Then we walked to the movie cinema and watched the incredible horrible movie.
Bell laughed her head off the whole way through. She sat between us and every now and then I would catch Charlie giving me almost apologetic smiles.
Everything was normal. We had done this a hundred times.
I remember being in the backseat of charlies truck with bell. We were laughing about a camping trip we all went on last year, While bell and I tried to convince him we go again in the school holidays.
We came to a small hill and just as we went over it came another car straight at us.
There was no time to react.
Charlie tried to swerve out of it's path but the car collided with his side.
Her horrified scream was deafening, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
Everything went black.
Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I woke to feel the seat belt stangeling me. We were upside down. I panicked tying tro get the belt of. I could smell smoke and petrol and bell wasnt moving.
"Eddie!" I looked up to see Charlie in front of me looking back.
I couldn't breathe or talk. I was crying in panic and almost yelling my breaths.
"LISTEN TO ME SON" Charlie yelled but he was calm. He tried desperately to get my attention. I screamed at him frantically to get me out. Pleading and pleading with him. His eyes filled with tears as he reached out to me. I reached out and grabbed his hand and when I did I saw why his eyes were filled with sorrow.
He couldn't get out. I could see when I looked over that the car was crushed around him. I couldn't speak for a second.
"CHARLIE" I screamed hysterically. I needed him to save us. I couldn't move and she just hung there limp making weak moaning noises.
"EDWARD CULLEN LISTEN TO ME BOY" he yelled and I stooped talking but the sobs continued to erupt from my chest.
"Now son I need you to try to unbuckle your seat belt. Just try to stay calm Eddie everything is going to be OK" he tried desperately to calm me. I tried to undo it but then in frustration started to hit it. I wondered why charlie didn't stop me but then I dropped down to the roof of the car. I immediately went for bell. I held her awkwardly around her chest so she didn't drop when I got her free. She was so light in my arms. I looked her over. She was injured but breathing. I tried to wake her but Charlies sad voice stopped me.
"I want you to get her out of the car son. Now. And get off the road" he was crying and looking at his daughter in my arms. I didn't understand. He was telling me to leave him here. I shook my head furiously at him.
"What about you" I cried.
"I love you Edward, like a son. our family.Your parents, have saved us, they made sure my little girl had everything. I no you can look after her". His pained cries began breaking through the strong voice I had always depended on. I tried to get to him but his hand that reached out to me held me in place while I trembled in shock.
"Shes precious to me. She's my princess don't let her forget that please, Tell her how much I love her." I cried uncontrollable at his words that he barley managed to sob out as he stared at his daughter, but his words were interrupted by light filling the crushed truck and his sadness and love disappeared and all I could hear was terror and panic.
"GO EDDIE NOW. OUT THE WINDOW."
I looked at him not understanding what was happening shaking my head hysterically, not wanting to leave him.
"NOW EDDIE GO" his voice roared with fear and it filled me and I followed his instructions blindly , I pulled her out of her open window feeling my leg cut on the broken glass on the way out and then I ran her off the road to the grass it all seemed a blur, with in seconds of a car speeding over the hill. Before I could move or scream the car collided with the remains of Charlies. I remember the crashing noise being so loud that it sounded like an explosion...Then I couldn't hear a sound but a high pitched ringing.
I stood with her held tightly to my body , I was completely frozen. I could feel the blood streaming down my face, hitting my lips warmly as it passed. I looked up to the sky to force the stream to run away from my eyes and when doing so saw the stars.
It felt like I mearly blinked, like I barely took a breath and the entire world changed.
We had everything.
I desperately tried to blink my eyes open. My adrenalin kicked in before anything else. I tried to pull out the wires that ran into my veins holding me down. I couldn't believe my hands were empty when it seemed like only a moment ago they held her with every bit of strength I had. I screamed Charlies name till it hurt, like I thought I still had time to save him.
"Edward baby, Shh its OK"
I looked over to see my mothers tear soaked eyes looking back at me. She was trying desperately to hold me still and sooth me but all I could think of was her. I reached out and squeezed my mother tightly.
"Where are they!" I demanded through her wiping the tears from my face. I could feel my heart pounding until it hurt my chest.
"sweet heat she's OK...calm down baby. Carlisle is with her baby, she's not alone"
The knowledge that she wasn't alone made my hysteria fade slightly. But still my mother wouldn't let me go. She held me down and continually tried to calm me and stop my panting and tears that seemed out of my control. The fluorescent lights made it hard to look around the room but I knew we weren't alone. I looked over and I could faintly see the blurry vision of a police officer outside the room. It hit me what had happened.She only said bell was OK, I froze and looked back into Esme's eyes.
In the second it took me to clearly look into her eyes I could see more then before. I saw that her eyes were full of grief and sorrow. He was dead.
I didn't need her to tell me.
I felt numb. I layed down and stared at the ceiling. I could feel the tears and sweat drenching my face. But I couldn't move. My mothers voice sounded suddenly very far away. I laid for what felt like hours. I didn't move an inch. Even when Carlisle came in I didn't react. I waited until dark when they stepped out to go the bathroom and get more coffee. As soon as I heard the click of the door closing I sat upright.
I knew she was only two doors down. I wanted to do the only thing I knew would make her feel safe. I fled the room after ripping the wires and cords from my body. I snuck into her quiet room after waiting a few seconds for a nurse to leave. She was awake but very groggy. She didn't say anything when I walked over and neither did I. I crawled up onto the bed next to her and cuddled up next to her. It took only seconds and what ever they gave her kicked in and she fell asleep squeezing me tightly to her fragile bandaged body, it didn't take them long to find me in there but it was long enough for her to fall asleep next to me like any other night she was afraid.
After three days in the hospital they finally released us. Naturally we brought bell home with us. Seeing as she was ours.
Carlisle tried on three occasions to convince me to tell him about the accident.He told me that they found us almost a mile from the accident, that I carried her into my arms trying to get help.He said that I was conscience until the ambulance arrived and started to treat her. I told him that I didn't remember anything, so there was nothing to talk about. It wasn't a complete lie. I had no memory after looking at the stars and trying to detour the blood from my eyes.
I knew he didn't believe me, I knew it was written all over my face that I was lying, but I didn't care, I wouldn't budge. What should I say? 'I left him to die dad'. Everyone couldnt understand how we survived. They all assumed we were in the car when the second car hit, no one knew what I did. If Bell ever wanted to hear the story I would tell her. But I knew that day would never come.
Bell didn't want to leave the bed once we got home, she didn't talk or move she just layed there starring out the window watching the branch hit the window. I layed with her for the first two days straight just rubbing her back and playing with her hair. I told her over and over that I loved her and that I would protect her. But after two days of laying there I suddenly realised there was something I had to do, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep.
She laid lifeless covered in cutts and scrapes, most I think we're caused with my haste to get her out of the car.
I sat up in the bed and leaned over whispering in her ear.
"Bell, There's something I have to do."
Her head spun to me and her eyes panicked , she reached out and clenched my shirt willing me to stay.
"Ill be right back. Thirty minutes tops, I promise, I just need to do this" I smiled lightly at her letting her know everything was OK. She calmed down and eventually gave me a nod and released my shirt. I got up and slowly got changed. Not realizing how slowly I was healing. There was nothing major but my whole body felt exhausted and crushed. I decided to climb out my window to save trying to explain myself. I was the only one who could do this other then Bell, but I knew she wasn't up to it. I slowly made my way into the Forrest holding my body up with a tight embrace around my stomach. I got close enough to Charlie's house, well as far as I would want to get right now and dropped to the ground.
I knew she was close some how. I just had to wait for her.
"Scout. Here." I yelled out. I knew the horrible truth that she would be staying around the house waiting for Charlie to return. She appeared slowly in the thick woods by the house. I knew Mum or Dad wouldn't be able to get her to come to them, Scout wasn't trained like that. She was trained to protect Bell and I, Bell needed her now more then ever. I stood up and waited for her to walk to my side.
"We have to go to Bell." she sniffed my hand and barked as if to agree before she started to walk with me in the direction of my house.
I could of passed out on the way back but I made it. I lifted the window up and pulled my body slowly into it. Bells head turned to see me and greet me with a weak smile surrounded by fresh tears and red eyes. I pulled my legs and walked slowly over to the bed before collapsing back into my spot next to her. I breathed deeply trying to get my breath back from the trip so I could tell her but my head hit the pillow next to her and I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to explain myself.
"Scout." I yelled with my last bit of energy and in an instant the big white wolf jumped up through the window with ease and made her way gracefully across the room before leaping in to the bed to lay between us. Bell layed unmoving, almost stunned as her beloved friend made her way to her. She looked at me for long moment thanking me with her eyes before laying down to cry again as she pulled the five year old wolf that already seemed to triple her size making her look like she could cuddle up close enough that the snow white hair would cover her completely, protecting her from what's happened. We layed un disturbed for hour like that, eventually Bell cried herself to sleep and I quickly followed, it wasn't until later that night when I heard the door open and looked over to see dad standing there quietly his face stained like Bells was.
"She came here?" he whispered looking at Scout. I just nodded patting her. I didn't want him to worry about me running around looking for Scout.
"Are you two ok?" he whispered again trying not to wake Bell.
"she'll be ok dad" I answered looking over at her reaching over and holding the hand that rested on Scout between us.
"Tell me if you need anything son." He added before slowly pulling the door closed. I believed then that I could make it OK for her. If I was with her I knew I could make her happy. I just needed a chance to make it right. To make it OK again for her.
Scout and I layed there with her for what could of been forever. Time was lost in her tears and silence. Scout layed completely unmoving unless to nuzzel herself closer to Bell in an attempt to console her. I wondered if when Bell stared into Scouts eyes, that Scout knew he was gone. Like she could feel it know that she could see Bell. She could feel the loss and pain that flooded her.
The funeral and everything seemed like a blur, but at the same time there where moments that stod still in time and the memories will remain statues in my mind until I leave this earth.
I saw the look in her eyes when she placed the rose on the coffin. She hadn't spoken a word since the accident and I didn't expect her too until that look faded.
It was empty and hollow. She didn't cry but lifeless tears spilled out on to her scratched and bruised cheeks as she crushed her fingers around a small journal that held her photos of the life she had lost. I sat with her in the Forrest during the wake that was held at Bell and charlies house.
Bell didn't want them all in his house. Talking about him. Trying to smile at her, when she saw there eyes full of pity for her.
We sat in the kitchen with Esme at first but bell saw Deputy Peterson sit in charlies chair and bell ran out the back door followed instantly by her shadow Scout. I looked at Esme and told her to let me talk to her.
I chased after her but she ran faster and faster through the deep Forrest.
I could hear her crying while she ran. She wouldn't listen to me when I begged for her to stop so I just did my best to keep up with her even though it hurt to run. I could see she was in pain too but she was pushing through it, fighting it. She ran through the meadow but as she started to head for the cliff edge she tripped. I was still so far behind her but the time it took for her to lift her self of the ground gave me time to catch up ,then Scout bark that seemed scared, terrified me.
She ran at the cliff edge with speed and power, as if she planned to dart herself of the edge.
It killed me to catch her but I did.
With in meters of the edge I wrapped my arms around her and threw us into the ground none to gently while Scout stood infrount of her blocking her from the edge.
"what are you thinking Bell!" I growled. I was far to horrified in that moment to be compassionate.
She swung her body trying to get out of my grip on her.
She didn't answer me she just cried and cried. She wanted to die without him. I got it. He was it. For Isabella Marie Swan, as far as blood relatives went, Charlie was the only one who hadn't rejected her.
I noticed her look though the crowd in the funeral. I think she was probably looking for unfamiliar faces. To see if any of her mothers or fathers family would show up. Maybe she thought some one would at least try to claim her. Or maybe she was horrified they would. It was kind of hard to tell.
Maybe she secretly wanted her mother to return, even though we all knew there was no hope of that.
She stopped fighting me after awhile and just let me hold her while the sun set.
I stroked her hair and gently rubbed her back. She relaxed in to me and we watched the sun set. She worried me so much. People just thought it was shock and grief but I knew her heart. It was so much worse then anything they could imagine.
She was almost falling asleep as she layed into me. That's when I realized We had been out for hours and I knew Esme and Carlisle would be worried.
"We gotta go Bell, before they start looking for us"
She nodded and I pulled her up and took her hand. We walked slowly until we approached the steep hill.
Naturally I let her hand go and waited for her to take off but she didn't. She reached out again taking my hand and for the first time ever we walked the whole way home. There was something about watching her walk down that hill. It was like a bird who had her wings clipped, it was dark and depressing. I was losing her. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.
We got to the spot where we used to split up to go our own homes but now that bell was staying with us i was surprised when she pulled at my hand to go back to her house.
"We gotta get back Bell. We can sneak out later if you" I tried to bargain with her until she opened her free hand and the emptiness of it. It clicked that she must of left her book with her photos in the house when she ran out. Without question I walked into the Forrest with her with Scout walking along side her. When we got to Charlie's house we were walking silently through the backyard when we heard yelling coming from inside the house.
Bell pulled at the sleeve to my jacket and dragged my quickly over under the kitchen window. We pulled over the old crate and stood on it like always when we wanted to peek through the window. That's when we gasped in shock when we saw Carlisle holding Billy Black up against a wall with his fist closed held at Billy's face ready to strike. Billy's wife, Esme and what looked like Charlie's lawyer were all there. It didn't make seance.
Carlisle Slamed mr black into the wall once more before releasing him with a hard slam into the ground. He looked down at him with such rage and disgust, like he wanted him dead. I never knew he could have so much hatred.
"SHE'S NOT A PAY CHECK YOU SON OF A BITCH" he growled standing over billy. Billy pulled himself to his feet and rushed at Carlisle.
"She belongs with us. My people's blood runs through her veins. Her mother will back me up. I'll do what I have too."
I looked at bells expressionless face. Had she heard what billy just scratched through his teeth.
"please you have to reconsider. Please just let me have her, were her family" Esmes sweet voice sounded desperate as she approached Billy's side.
"please. I no every scar and freckle on that baby. I watched her take her first steps..." she stopped and looked at him pleadingly. Lightly touching his arm trying to soften him to see her love and her panic.
"She's everything to us. I don't no why the will said what it did. But it must of been written before Bells mother left because there is no way that" she was almost begging him when he cut her off with a roar "NO! , Now you listen lady I don't care when anything was written. She's not yours understand. I'm grateful that you helped Charlie when he needed it. But he's gone now and We don't need your help, understand me when I say she is coming home with me and my family, to her land."
The disaster before me stunned me It wasn't until I heard Bell breathing heavily next to me. I looked to see her shaking her head.
"bell" I whispered while wrapping my arm around her waist.
"Bell look at me" I whispered more harshly, but she was in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I pulled her chin and made her look at me. Her eyes dragged of them and into mine.
"Bell, it's going to be ok. He won't take you anywhere. I promise, bell"
"The dreams, don't you understand Eddie. This is it.... I'll die without you."
The shock of hearing her sweet voice for the first time in over a week left me motionless while she left my side and ran into the kitchen. I followed her instantly. Everyone stopped yelling as she entered, they stood staring down at her.
She walked over to billy and looked up at him. She was so tiny when she stood next to the scary giant but she was completely fearless.
"Get out" the anger in her voice was painful.
"Listen Isabella , your father wanted" Billy spoke softly and slowly reached out to bells shoulder. But bell yanked her arm back, and stepped back glaring at him.
"Don't you dare. Don't you dare tell me what my father wanted. Your evil, I can see it. I've dreamt about a monster my whole life who would come and take me from my family. And it's you" she whispered though her frustration, grief and now her rage.
"Isabella I'm not a bad person" billy kept his calm voice and knelt down to look bell in the eyes. I walked over and stood infront of her protectively without thinking.
"You heard her. She wants to be with us... Leave" I didn't sound as fearless as bell but I wasn't letting this happen. Bell was right I could see it in his face, he wasn't good. Maybe he was the monster from her dreams. The lawyer left, he seemed upset and looked almost guilty.
Billy stood up again and looked at Carlisle.
"I'm taking her now or I'll get the police" billy was done. He had the right and he knew it. Bell ran up the stairs and before I could leave to follow she returned back down the stairs. Billy and Carlisle continued to argue, before it turned to screaming again and then they were back in each others faces shoving each other. Then billy broke away from him and started coming at me as I stood infront of her, my hands were behind me clutching her while she buried her face into my back and in an instant Scout came running in through the back door where she was waiting and crouched down growling and showing her teeth and with it a horrifying side of her none of us have seen before. He reached out for her but Scout and I leapt at him and I started swinging while Scout grabbed his the leg of his pants ripping into them. He took a hold of me and squeezed my arms but before Carlisle could say a word I heard a noise I had heard before. A sound that will always remind me of her.
"Let go of him now" she spoke very calmly but her voice had a dark edge to it. He released me instantly and stepped back. I looked back to see exactly what I had expected. She held the shiny 44 magnum handgun right at Billy's head.
"Don't think I'm afraid, I've been trained with this exact gun for years and I have no problem pulling the trigger and all I have to so is tell her too and she will rip your throat out" she said evilly with a hint of a smile.
Billy looked over at Esme to see if bell was telling the truth but simply Esme nodded at him.
Bell was lethal.
Charlie often bragged about her aim being better then middle aged police officers he worked with. She never missed and there was no doubt in my mind that, that gun was loaded and she had every intention on killing him, I can't say I expected billy to survive this. I mean, She was pretty pissed off.
She advanced towards him. Holding the gun steady in her hand. "Scout." By the mere mention of her name from bell and scout was back by her side, releasing Billy's jeans.
"Leave" she demanded. She didn't yell. She didn't need too. Billy tried to say something but Bella done something else with the gun that made a nice noise which was quickly followed by billy and his wife's sudden departure. She held the gun in the hand still pointing it as billy slammed the door behind him. Carlisle walked over to her immediately and knelt down in front of her. He wasn't afraid of her for an instant. He put his hand out.
Bell almost smiled but handed it over.
"its loaded isn't it" he said knowingly looking into her big brown eyes. She nodded. Carlisle clicked what I assume was the safety and placed the gun on the coffee table. He looked at her for a long second and opened his arms to her "come here princess" he whispered. She fell into his arms and he lifted her up holding her tiny frame to his chest protectively, Esme walked over to them and rubbed bells back while Carlisle kissed her hair and looked at Esme and she nodded with fresh tears in her eyes. She put her hand out for me, I walked over almost cautiously. She pulled me close to her side.
"The police are coming sweety" she didn't respond she just squeezed him tighter and started screaming and crying hysterically. Carlisle held her close and tried despretly to hold back his tears as his face turned red. Esme pulled her from his arms and held her tightly. Carlisle staired at them intensely but also hopeless. He never cried unless he lost someone he loved like charle, but now our bell.
It didn't take long for the police to get there. I saw them park out the front and I quickly ran into the kitchen and got her photos, the reason we came back. I ran to her in the panic. Esme put her cardigan and Parker on her, while Carlisle put her woollen beanie on and pulled her hair out and fixed it while she looked at him crying.
"Will you be warm enough" she nodded at him trying to be brave and hold back the sobs but she was terrified and Esme and Carlisle made it worse because they looked like there was no hope.
"Esme packed your bag with some clothes and you tooth brush and everything you'll need." she tried to nod again through the tears but Carlisle pulled her into his arms again and she broke down.
"I'll do everything I can to fix this bell. I'm not going to stop until I know you are where your ment to be".
The officer knocked at the door and Carlisle stood up wiping the tears from his face. I put the book into bells hands. She looked at it then at me. "this is how the nightmare starts". I squeezed her to my body with everything I had and she squeezed back. I only remember the screaming, both hers and mine. Then they ripped her from my arms and Esme and Carlisle held me down while they took her from the house kicking and yelling my name through her cries. Scout ran at her looking like she would attack the police officers carrying bell, flashing her huge teeth.
"No Scout." she sobbed out. The police officer relaxed instantly when Scout stopped in her tracks like a statue. "Go to Eddie. Now." she commanded even though it killed her to do. There was no way Scout would be able to ever go near Billy now. Scout might aswell be that loaded gun.
I don't no what it was like that night for her all alone, being dragged off to a house she never been in before with people she didn't no, a week after being in a car crash that killed her father, now this.
I felt sick that I didn't protect her. I should of got the gun and killed him. As soon as we got home I went straight up to my room and turned the lights off and crawled into bed. I laid there all night staring at the ceiling. I let my self believe I could hear her opening my window and climbing in and believe its what caused Scout to jump to her feet five minutes ago, like she knew she was coming , until I felt the bed sink on her side.
I reached up and pulled her to me squeezing my girl to my chest. She had ran at least three miles in the middle of the night to get here.
"did they hear you sneak out?" I whispered through her hair.
"No they were asleep. They shouldn't notice until morning" she sounded exhausted so I started rubbing her back.
"Edward. I don't want to live there. He's loud and he doesn't like me...and he" she sobbed instead of finishing and pushed her face into my neck.
She was scared of him. I felt my insides boil at the thought of her being scared of someone.
He was a stand over.
He wouldn't like her, he would hate people like her. She was free and full of this fire that screamed self confidence. She was smart and sweet and he would want her naive outlook on the world crushed.
He was going to kill the fairytale once and for all.
I rubbed circles on her back and ran my fingers through her curls trying to soothe her to sleep. Even once she feel asleep it did no good for me. I didn't want to close my eyes. I was so scared she would be snatched from my arms again. Even though she'd fallen asleep I kept running my fingers through her hair so even in her dreams she would no I was here and she was safe but without reason Scout that was asleep at the foot of the bed stood to her feet and I became anxious. I heard the door creak open and I pulled her closer and waited to see who it was. The lamp beside my bed flicked on.
Carlisle stood over me shaking his head while he put his hand out to Scout letting her know everything was OK and she dropped back down.
"they'll call the police as soon as they realise that she's gone" he whispered.
"she knows that, but she hates it there" I replied straight away and looked at her again fearing having her ripped from my grasps again.
"besides she needs to sleep" I said softer, cutting my father off before he could speak again.
He leaned down and pulled the blanket up and tucked us in.
"try and get some sleep too son". He flicked the light off and pulled the door quietly behind him. I tried to just enjoy having her here with me. But why should I have too, she belongs here, it's her home.
I didn't sleep I just laid there wanting to take her and run. But there was no where to run too. At around ten to seven Scout started barking and growling at the window and at seven am I heard the knock at the door. Bell had been awake for a few minutes clutching me closer at the sound of Scouts growl knowing what it meant. She didn't say anything she just kissed my cheek and held me close.
Over the next few months the police visits became normal in our house. There was no way to keep us apart, that much became clear.
We did try to get her home legally but the lawyers and courts just seem to give them more rights, they forced her to go to the school on the reservation so we couldn't see her in forks at all and Billy made it clear that if he saw Scout anywhere near his property he would have her put to sleep.
They had found Bells mother, and for a moment we thought we had a chance but it was the complete opposite.
She made sure they got full custody. She was a distant relative of Samantha black, Billy's new wife.
That's what lost the case and her.
The lawyers told Esme and Carlisle that they could take it further but would loose to a blood relative, I heard the lawyers tell them under his breath once, that they were spending thousands and in the end all they were doing was pouring water into a sinking ship.
They managed to assure that all money that has been left to Bell could not be accessed by anyone else but her until she was of age. Billy got money for looking after her and found other ways to profit from Charlie's death and eventually would find out just how much she stood to get once she was eighteen but he settled for scrounging through charlies belongings. Thankfully carlisle bet him too it and put almost everything of bells and charlies in a storage space where it was safe, I helped Carlisle go through bells things to make sure he didn't miss anything.
It killed me to go back to Charlie's house. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw his horrified face, I remembered watching as the car collided with his..while I did nothing. His screams would combine with mine as they woke me every night she wasn't with me, finally I was the one too scared to sleep alone. Dad tried giving me pills to help me sleep and always asked if I wanted to talk to someone, but no one would get it. I didn't want anyone to no what I'd done to her.
It seemed like every day he found a new way to bring it up. It always ended with me telling him to drop it.
I didn't remember anything.
Why was it do hard to believe me.
How many times did I have to tell him before he just believed me.
I complained to bell about how I wished he would back off and just believe me.
Bell said he would believe me when I told the truth.
We tried to shake it up a bit and keep billy guessing on when we would sneak out to find each-other. We had secret spots that we would leave glass jars hidden to put letters for each-other in. One closest to her house was in an hollow spot in an old rotting tree.
I rode there on my bike most afternoons. I knew she was coming to my room tonight, it had been just under a week since she snuck into my bed , even though it was killing her slowly, because she was so anxious and upset she couldn't sleep without me, I knew the feeling.
We had met up for a few hours in the afternoons after school but the last time was days two ago and she looked horrible then, I could tell by the dark irises under her eyes she hadn't slept a wink. She said the blacks were having friends over on Friday night that would make it easier to sneak out and longer to realise she's gone.
I left her notes all the time trying to keep her in good spirits and remember she's not alone.
Today I put a candy necklace into the jar with a photo of our whole family camping. I knew it would make her smile, by this point I would do any sappy thing to make her happy even though the photo made me sick. It fucking hurt to breathe with out her. The world really did stop without her. as a child I could say I had definetly had enough. I wanted the earth to pause and leave us alone.
Every now and then I would find letters telling me to meet her on the cliff edge and always when I would, Scout would always be sitting by her side looking at the view with her while Bells head rested on Scouts.
They looked so lost sitting there together, like they were alone in the world, like Charlie was there way and they lost it. Couldn't they look in her eyes and see what this was doing to her heart. Did they want that flame to burn out for good.
Didn't they care about her at all, was Carlisle right...was she just a pay check. I knew she was worth allot of money. Carlisle said Charlie left her everything, and with his life insurance, savings, stocks and shares, his house and other investments left Bell very comfortable.
I would listen to him and Esme argue late at night when they thought me and my brothers were sleeping.
They were just terrified of the truth.
They had lost her, I could hear the defeat in there voices and I knew it was over they didn't want to keep dragging bell through all the court crap and the further they went the worse it would get, and it would end the same.They knew it too deep down that's the only reason they fought.
Eventually Billy would find a way to keep her away from me and it would be over, no more light.
Some nights, I would hear mum storm of on dad. She would go to there bedroom and dad would end up outside on the front step with a coffee and a pack of cigarettes. Usually he would sleep in his office downstairs and I would worry about my mother, I knew she was in her room alone and sad. But I knew she would feel even worse if I went in to console her. There was a reason they waited until after midnight to fight. They really didn't want us to hear.
Still I would worry about her, so I would wait until I thought she would be asleep and sneak in.
I knew she had been crying, because of the discarded pile of tissues.
I also knew I wouldn't wake her because in amongst her tissue piles would be packets of pills. Id heard dad say something about her taking sleeping pills but I didn't no what the others were for.
It worried me.
But what could I do.
Except take her shoes off and cover her up with a blanket. Lean over and kiss her cheek, remind her that I love her.
I wanted her to be how she used to. But I'm sure she felt the same about me.
I sat on my bed anxiously waiting for her.
My foot tapped the ground over and over and I chewed at my lower lip until I thought It would bleed, constantly pulling at my hair, almost involuntarily. I decided she was taking to long and looked out my window to call Scout. Some nights she would sleep in my room or on the front porch but mostly she would roam the woods, some times I would find her at Charlies in her old spot. I was horrified she might still be waiting for him or maybe that was just her home and she couldn't let it go. I didn't expect her to stay with me all the time, she didn't belong to me.
She ran up to my window after a minute and sat below looking up at me.
"Go find Bell Scout" was all it took and she was off into the darkness. Scout knew where Bell was , she said she often saw Scout watching her from a far but Bell never called for her to come, unless she knew that no one would see her. She loved Scout so much and just the thought of billy hurting Scout terrified her. I almost gave up on her when she finally opened my window , it was well after midnight and I could see straight away she was exhausted.
She huffed lightly as she collapsed into the bed. I felt my whole body relax as she hit the mattress.
I wiped the curls from her face and pulled the blanket back to invite her in.
"What is it Eddie"
I didn't want to ruin any small amount of time we had together, so I tried to smile back at her but she shook her head at me.
"I don't buy it, what's wrong....You no you can't lie to me." She knew I was worried, but I didn't want her to give up hope that mum and dad could still save her.
"I'm just worried about you bell. I don't like you having to run so far alone, anything could happen" she pressed her index finger to my lips then slowly glided her hand to the side of my face trying to calm me. I wasn't lying it did make my stomach turn every night.
"You no I'm safe. Besides we have had this conversation a hundred times over Edward".
And we had.
I nodded and looked down at our intertwined fingers.
"You no I'm faster without your slow ass anyways, plus Scouts alway's out there somewhere watching"
Before I could look at her in shock from her smart ass statement, she started tickling me and wrestling with me on the bed.
I missed being like this with her. We never laughed anymore and I knew it took her allot to let go and be happy, but I also knew she hated to see me upset as much as it killed me to see her sad.
We layed and talked for hours that night about everything and anything. I told her over and over that no matter what I would never let this happen.
That no matter what I would always find a way to get to her.
I said these things over and over, drumming the words and hope behind them into her head.
Sometimes early in the mornings when it was still dark I would wake and realize she wasn't in bed with me. Once I went into the hallway to see if she was just in the bathroom but I could see the light from the kitchen. I snuck around the corner to see in.
Esme sat in her white silk robe with bell at the breakfast bench. Bell was picking at pancakes while she babbled to Esme. I could see the sadness in both there eyes. I could see them, just like the rest of us trying despretly to hang onto something they used to have.
I left the obviously private mother, daughter moment and went back to bed, she crawled back in after an hour or two smelling of maple syrup and berries. I snuggled up to her and didn't say a word or question her, I just layed there awake with her waiting for the knock at the door.
My brothers had broken in at around 6am and the three of us began playing and laughing like we used too.
Bell always fitted in perfectly with my brothers and I.
The three of us layed all over each other watching a movie exhausted from playing when we finally hear the knock.
Esme arrived at the my door only seconds later.
"there here sweet heart" she stood in the doorway while Emmet and jasper kissed her on each cheek sadly and left the room before having to watch her get taken again, but I never left her until I had too. I would watch the officer pick her up take her away and every time we both would cry even though we knew we would find each other again.
Bell had promised to meet me at the cliff edge in the afternoon in two days.
But when I went to the spot she said, she wasn't there just Scout sitting alone in her spot looking out over the edge. I looked in other places but nothing. Then I was afraid that she would show up if I left so I leaned up against a tree and waited for hours and eventually Scout showed up to wait with me but as it got late into the night it was obvious she was not gonna make it.
So I made my long journey home through the Forrest that was stained with memories of the life I once had.
As I approached home I saw a small red flicker.
Carlisle was sitting waiting on the front step waiting for me to get home. He patted the spot next to him and flicked the cigarette, that he usually hid from me away.
"Don't tell your mother" he said with a smile, nodding in the direction of the fading burn of the smoke.
I smiled and sat next to him while he waved the air around him.
"You no its 9.30" he didn't sound angry or sad, infact he sounded kind of clueless.
I had been waiting for this talk for awhile. They used to freak out about her running between her house and our but now she would run for miles and miles.
"I don't even no what to say too you"
"I'm sorry dad" I quickly apologized but he shook his head.
"no son..., I'm sorry,. I don't no why but he wants her to have no contact with us. She's in his custody now. I don't think it's going to keep being this easy for you too keep seeing her, sooner or later you might have to except that...." he didn't finish, his eyes sadly dropped looking at his feet.
"she wasn't there today. She promised she would be" I said looking at my own feet now.
I knew what he was thinking. I had been gone for seven hours, I had sat alone in the Forrest for seven hours.
"this shouldn't be happening." he was just as hopeless as me. It didn't give me much faith. I reached over and took his hand not knowing what else I could do for him.
"dad I'm worried about her. He can't just cage her in"
He started anxiously babbling. So fast I could barley keep up.
"he can Eddie, as long as we're here it's going to be hard for her, maybe it would be easier for her if we left. The longer we stay here the harder it is going to be for her"
I went from calm to furious in a moment. I snatched my hand back and jumped to my feet in front of him. His head snapped up to look at me and see my blood boil.
"SO WHAT.... ARE WE GOING TO JUST LEAVE HER, FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING. DON'T YOU SEE WE WON'T SURVIVE...I WON'T SURVIVE"
I started to run off in the direction of my room when I head Carlisle calm voice.
"It's going to be harder for you too" he added causing me to pause for a second.
He didn't move or try to stop me.
I Slammed the door behind me and lost it. No one came in to stop me. I smashed everything in my room until it looked like a bomb had hit it and I collapsed on the mattress that had been tossed on to the ground. I no Esme came in while I was sleeping and took my shoes off and covered me over with a blanket and made sure I was OK, but when I woke and realized that it made me a whole new kind of sad ,that bell was some where alone with no one to tuck her in and kiss her good night.
Imagining her alone just made me so sick, my stomach turned and I layed on the ground wishing not only that I had let her jump of that cliff, but that I had just taken her hand in mine and jumped with her.
Days passed and I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. There were never notes left and no matter how long I waited in the Forrest she never showed.
I laid in bed all day and night when I wasn't waiting for her but I couldn't sleep and when I did I had horrible dreams of not being able to get her seat belt off, or watching her jump of the cliff or I dream of Charlie and wake up guilt ridden.
Carlisle even stopped trying to force me to go to school, he told me over and over that I needed to rest and eat but I just couldn't bring myself to . He watched my every action and reaction. Like he was waiting for me to snap.
I thought about how I should of dragged him out of that car, even if I had to die saving him. She was so much more important to me than anything and I should of saved her father for her. How could I think of anything else. How could anyone expect me too.
I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I just wanted to lay here until she came back even though as the days turned to weeks it was obvious she might not return.
I would go to the reservation and sneak up to Billy Blacks House, hoping to see her, but I only ever saw Billy. He spent allot of time drinking in his back porch, right next to bells room. It was impossible to get close without him seeing me. So I would settle for at least knowing I was close to her, I would always take Scout with me but never left with her, I would always leave and watch her slowly and gracefully make her way to under Bells window to sleep, she just couldn't bring herself to leave Bell. Even if Bell didn't know she was there.
Carlisle would always be sitting on the step when I got home. Some nights I would talk to him and others I would have to walk past him and leave him sitting there alone, because I just couldn't bare to talk about any of it a moment longer, wishing I was as fast as Scout and could make my way under her window without being noticed.
I laid on the ground where my mattress was still pushed up to the wall from my outburst, I refused to let anyone clean or move a thing. I wanted everything out of place, why shouldn't my room resemble my life. Why should I pretend everything was fine. Just because they waited until the late hours of the night to let it all out in the kitchen while they thought I slept.
As I laid there I heard a knock at my door. I didn't answer or move. I just laid there.
I stared out the window she used to climb through and ached. The door opened and I heard someone come in.
It was Emmett. He often came in and sat with me. He never pressed or questioned, he just sat with me. I felt the mattress sink and then his hand rub my arm lightly.
"Want some company little brother" it wasn't a question, I closed my eyes for a long second but still couldn't bring myself to answer. He leaned with his back up against the wall in silence with me staring out the window.
He stayed with me for hours, well into the night, he often did this. hours and hours of silence.
Finally I would let him think I was asleep so he didn't feel bad about leaving.
I imagined her coming through the window in her white nightgown and smiling at me while she pulled the covers back but her ghost always disappeared and left me wishing for her..wish..That one word spun my head suddenly I was panting and sweating.
It was her birthday in three days, her birthday was what my world had revolved around before all of this.
I just wanted her to have a good day. I had prepared so much for it and I wouldn't even be able to....
Before I could really finish the thought I was on my feet getting dressed in my warmest clothes. I stuffed pillows under the blankets to make it look like I was sleeping and packed up my hiking bag and hers plus two others with everything I needed to get us through. It was well past midnight and I couldn't hear anyone awake. No better time then now.
I left a note by my lamp telling them not to worry even though I knew it would do no good and then took off on my bike dumping the bags near our track.
I couldn't think clearly I just acted.
It was a long ride and I can not understand how she could run so far but eventually I made it to the border of the reservation.
I just needed to see her, I kept telling my self that over and over while I'll crept up through the long yard, even if i couldn't get her out I had too see her.
The back yard was full of flowers and thick grass and almost completely empty except for the old garage. An old motor bike leaned up against it with a pile of tools surrounding it.
I waited by its wall crouching near the bike to see if it was safe.
Before making the final sprint from the safety of the garage, I was sweating bullets and wished for her courage more now then ever. The room was black like I had expected and I could only just make out Scout sleeping beneath. Scout looked up at me but barely moved, for which I was grateful I was so nervous about getting caught by Billy that I could barely move with out shaking. I tapped lightly on her window and waited. I could faintly see movement in the room and I prayed I had the right window. My heat stopped and I exhaled a breath that I felt like I had been holding since she last left. She rushed at the window suddenly pressing her hands to the glass crying.
I panicked trying to open the window, but it wouldn't budge. I looked at her tear soaked face and waiting for her to help me.
She stared at me hopelessly rubbing at the glass with her tiny fingers.
"He nailed it shut" her weak whispers broke faintly through the glass.
I examined the window closer to see the nails bending out. I looked around in a panic trying to find something I could use.
"I'll be right back" I said before running back to the garage. I scavenged through the tools until I found the hammer.
Her face lit up at the sight of it, I ran my fingers around the window and pulled out each nail, I started to panic. I didn't want this for her, she was was locked up like an animal.
"Bell, get dressed. Warm. Fast" she nodded through the glass and watched her eyes leave what I was doing and search the ground. She was back at the window before I was finished pulling out the last nail. She shook waiting for me to finish, pressing her palms into the glass watching me desperately. I could feel the tears spilling down my cheeks and my hands shook anxiously. As soon as i plied the last nail out I yanked the window open and crushed her to me pulling her out the window in the process, dragging her legs over the windowsill.
She started to cry almost to loud.
"Shhhhh bell, listen. We need to go now" I tried to talk quietly but it seemed impossible.
I squeezed her hand tightly, and started pulling her with me. She ran alongside me dragging her backpack with her until we reached the bike and were away from the house.Scout stood almost excited by the late night adventure next to Bell nuzzling her and licking her hand. We stopped and looked at each other for a second and let out an almost laugh before pulling each other close again. We quickly decided to dump the bike deep in the Forest.
The moon light lit the Forrest up as we darted through the trees and my adrenalin was pumping wich made it easy to keep up with her, every now and then she would look back and laugh, I couldn't help but not care about the consequences. How could I care about anything when I had finally gotten everything I had wanted. What ever the price I'd pay it.
We reached the bags that I had stashed earlier and I started to load her hiking bag on to her back then mine, I picked up the two remaining bags while she carried the one she brought and we started to walk up the mountain.
"they'll catch us eventually" she sighed, I knew she was right.
"it not the point, it's your birthday soon and your not spending it there, c'mon we better go in case someone realizes were gone." I said lightly.
"You leave a note so Esme doesnt think were dead".
I giggled at her and nodded. I honestly couldn't think of anything except the closeness of Isabella.
I reached out and took her hand and took in the smooth feeling of her skin beneath my fingers. I had missed her so much that I could barely focus on what we were meant to be doing. I wanted to know.
"Bell What happened I mean"
She started shaking her head and biting her lip to hold back tears.
"I don't wanna talk about it right now Eddie, I mean I'm just happy we're together now" she smiled lightly through the pain and rubbed her thumb on the inside of my palm.
"How's school" she asked joyfull obviously trying to change the subject but I caught her eyeing me suspiciously.
"yeah you know, it's school. Its...fine" I lied but she didn't ask any more questions but I caught her eyeing me suspiciously.
"Are jazz and Em OK, It's been so weird not seeing them " I didn't want to tell her how miserable everything was and make her worry but i didn't want to make her think that they weren't falling apart with out her.
"Jazz and Em are ok bell, there good at distracting themselves" wich was the truth.
"are you good at it" she whispered almost to low to hear.
"don't worry about me bell , I'm OK" which was a lie. She looked over at me and smiled at me lightly under the moonlight. She looked like she wanted to say something but didn't.
She just smiled at me again but this time it looked forced. We approached our meadow near the cliff edge but kept walking with out question. We hadn't gone nearly far enough. We knew of sites higher up ones that would be allot harder to find, it would take until morning to get there. Bell said once we got to the stream we would have to separate for a few minutes. Bell was perfect to run away with she had more then a few tricks up her sleeve. She said in case the sheriff brought his dog to find us she needed to think we turned around. She actually hoped it would rain before morning. She told me to go as fast as I could up the steep rocky part of the mountain. The part that looked like it would be stupid to go up. I had to stay on the rocks be careful and fast. It was scary as hell but I did it with out falling and breaking my neck, mostly because Bell made Scout come with me thankfully so i had someone to lean on and I knew every step like the back of my hand. Other wise I'd be right back in hospital. Bell went in direction of the stream instead of away, leaving obvious tracks, she said even if the dog did pull in my direction as well he would be confused and once the officer seen the tracks and that the dog was confused he would take the easier track. She left clues and as much of her scent as she could spread. Then she threw some dirty clothes down down the steam so the would follow it thinking they were right behind us.
I waited in the dark nervously for her wondering what was was taking her. Even though she said she would be a take awhile. She was so stelf in the forest ,it was awesome.
You put the girl in a school around of a bunch of bratty kids she's a nervous wreck but out here it's like she was in her element.
I heard the sound of rocks creaking together and let out a breath.
"I did good" she smiled breathing heavily.
"there's no way they won't follow the stream back" she smiled confidently at her cleverness.
"now what?" I asked as she took her back her bag that I carried over the rocks for her.
"The faster we move the better, we can stop for a breath any time but we need to run as fast and as much as we can"
I nodded and took a breath "OK, let's do it".
She nodded back seriously and took off in front of me. We ran and ran for hours. Stopping for five or ten minutes when ever we needed with Scout always a few feet in front. I couldn't believe we had gotten so far up in just one night. We knew this spot far up where there was a small cave by that bell said we should stay near in case it rained. I didn't mind running like I used to, bell said she was impressed with how much better I'd gotten at not slowing her down, she was still a smart ass. I had been running through the Forest looking for her so much that it made it easier to run with her.
It was almost nine in the morning before we got to the spot after running for over ten hours.
"I'll set the tent up and well get some sleep, what do you think. I don't no about you but I'm totally exhausted after that"
"sounds great. I'll get us something to eat" bell hoped away to go through the bags to unpack what we needed. After we ate and got the bed ready we sat in the tent for a long moment in silence. It was like we both knew when we got under the covers we would both let loose. Up until now it could of just been another camping trip but we couldn't keep pretending. The looks she had been giving me, told me she had been biting her tongue, allot.
she crawled in and I waited for her to get settled before moving. I made sure she was tucked in tightly and then grabbed her woolin beanie and put it on her stroking her hair out of her jacket and off her face. I snuggeled up to her and pulled her to my chest rubbing circles on her back like always and enoyed the calm before the storm.
"warm enough Bell?" I asked when she cuddled up closer, but she just nodded into my chest with a small moan of approval.
"I missed this, it's been so hard to sleep" I could hear the sadness in her voice coming through again like she might cry. I remembered how she looked pressing her palms into the glass of her window, locked up like a prisoner, and I couldn't wait any longer.
"Bell what happened. It's been weeks" I tried to keep my voice calm but I knew she wouldn't buy it.
"Everything just..... I mean. It's why they were so late to pick me up" she stuttered and shook the whole time while she explained how when she got back the last time everything had changed. They had locked the whole house up and watched her like a hawk. I felt horrible that I hadn't attempted to run up there earlier even though she assured me I would not of gotten anywhere near her. Billy was on a fishing trip at the moment, bell said its the only reason we got away. I made the mistake of asking her if she had her photos of her father when I saw a small tear roll off the tip of her nose.
"I have it. I take it everywhere. But..."
"But what....it's ok to miss him Bell" I added. She looked almost angry at the thought of Charlie. It broke my heart a little more.
"I dont even let myself think about dad, Hes gone and he cant save me anymore. But when I no how close you all are and if i was just there with you all it wouldn't hurt so much.That I could sleep. They hate me and I hate them so why am I there?" she spoke softly and defeated and like me completely clueless.
"what do you mean they hate you, what about Sam?".
"Shes nice to me and so is Jacob but, i don't think they want to be around me"
"what makes you think that bell. Anyone who knows you wants to be around you. Your a gorgeous person" I announced but she shook her head
"Sam tried taking me out twice without billy, and I ran off on her, she caught me but it caused more fights between them, Billy will only let me go out to go to school and maybe play in the yard with Jacob, sometimes I want them to fight, just so Sam will send us out to play" she admitted sadly.
"Do they fight allot?" I hated to push her but I knew she hated yelling, I'm sure every kid does but bell had never had to put up with it so I knew it would upset her, probably scare her.
She had never been locked in a room or screamed at or punished for wanting to be with her family.
"I don't think I'll make it there Eddie, locked up in that room, sometimes my chest starts to tighten up when I'm in there, and I get dizzy and freak out and I feel like I'm suffocating. Something's happening to me, I can feel it in my heart" she answered the question in her own way. I dreaded her having to go back there, even though I knew it was inevitable. We were ten, well she almost was, there was no hope for us.
"Bell, I don't no what's going to happen. I'm not going to lie to you. But I promise I won't stop until we're together again. I don't care if it takes years. One day bell, we will be ok again. I fucking swear to god, your everything bell, forever" my words shook at the end, I hoped she could hear my determination and my love.
She lifted herself of my chest and looked at me, deep into my eyes. I lifted my head and looked back at her for the longest time before leaning in closer to me. I could feel my hands shake on her back where they held her and I realised i felt nervous. I didn't no why, it was just my bell. But there was something else in this moment, the feeling was stronger and unfamiliar. She reached up and put her hand on my face so that her fingers could glide lightly over my cheek before cupping it lightly. She breathed heavily and pressed her forehead to mine. She closed her eyes and so did I. She slowly advanced her wet lips to mine. She kissed my top lip and then my bottom slowly and loving, she slowly pulled away and we opened our eyes and looked at each other once more before she pulled me close again so that our heads were pressed together.
"I love you Edward. I love you." she softly and compassionately as I pulled her head to my chest again , my eyes filled with tears and I kissed her hair over and over. "I love you too princess, more then anything" I whispered over her ear. This ache. This heart breaking pain. It was love. I was sure of it, what else could It be. I wanted her. I needed her. Hell I craved her mere presence.
I woke around two to an empty space next to me. My heart accelerated and I stopped breathing trying to open the zipper of the tent to see her crouching over the compact gas stove with Scout laying beside her. She looked over her shoulder at me and smiled.
"Hey sleepy head, want some eggs" she asked ignoring my obvious panic attack. but I knew she saw it in my eyes that I was freaking out.
It was just me and her and Scout in the middle of no where. Perfect. We played and laughed and chased each other laughing. We chased each other right up through the Forrest when we heard the thunder start. I looked over to bell at the sudden sound. She looked back at me with her face lit up.
"quick let's get back and move everything into the cave" she was actually happy that rain was coming.
She knew it brought us at least a few more days. but it was rain.
It was fun in the cave. We lit a small fire and told stories and just had fun. She made me laugh so much I almost cried. I was happy I had packed so much in my hysteria, her birthday supplies were in my bag with her presents. It was wrong but I took the present Esme had put away for her as well. I doubted she would even notice, she brought it so long ago and so much had happened. It was a thick silver chain with a , what i can only guess is a dove pendant...well it had some kind of bird hanging on it. As well as my own gifts that I knew she would love.
Everything was perfect we ran and played in the Forrest and small clearing near our camp site, it was early in the afternoon when we were throwing leaves at eachother and tackling eachother into the piles we made. Everything was great even when it started to rain, she was happy. We ran back to the camp site and moved everything into the small cave.
Bell looked for the marshmallows while I started a small fire. She sat beside me and I covered her lap over with the blanket. She smiled at me. She looked happy. With no weight on her shoulders, just bell. I leaned in and kissed her cheek to make the smile wider, she leaned into my side and I wrapped my arm around her. We stared at the fire all night talking about nothing imparticular. She asked a couple of times about Esme but I didn't ever give her a clear answer. I didn't want to tell her that some days she wouldn't get out of bed, and neither would I, that I'm pretty sure shes medicated now. Bell had enough going on without having to worry about all of us as well. How could it help her.
What do you do when you love someone like this, I'm sure I'm ment to do anything I can to make sure she was safe and sound. I still wanted to talk to her about what Charlie said before he died but she assured me over and over that she wasn't ready to hear it, I wanted her to know his last thoughts were only of her, I was worried she was mad at him, this really was just a big mistake. I hoped she knew it.
I wanted to talk to her so much and I planned to that night when we talked before we went to bed but little did I know she had the same plan.
I could tell she had something she wanted to say. I tucked her in and threw an extra blanket over her to make sure she was warm and crawled in next to her wrapping my arm around her pulling her close like usual, half hoping she would let what ever it was go and maybe just go to sleep for once.
No such luck.
"Why haven't you been going to school"
"And Don't even try lying, you suck at it and besides Leah's little brothers best friend goes to your school and he told me you haven't been going and everyone's saying your sick or...that you've lost your mind"
her voice sunk to a whisper on the last few words.I still hadn't moved. I didn't no what to say. If I knew she was going to find out I wasn't going to school because I was going mad, I would of put in more effort to pretend everything was OK. I was sorry I had made her worry, especially when she couldn't talk to me to see if I was OK.
"You won't give me any straight answers, you think I can't handle it"
I looked down at her and whispered "It's not that Bell"
"Then what" she demanded, she was angry but I knew why, She didn't no if I was OK. How dare I add too her worries.
"I'm so sorry Bell, really I am. I didn't want you to worry, especially after" I trailed off not wanting too say it, knowing she didn't want to hear it.
She knew me better than anyone, she knew me well enough to just pull me close again.
"Are you loosing it Eddie" she whispered lightly not judging but understanding and without knowing why I freaked.
"I'm just not me when I'm not with you...and I don't know how to do this, I don't no how to get up out of that bed every day knowing it , knowing I'm not going to see you" it just came out. She could hear my heart pounding under her cheek. I felt anxious revealing this to her, but I didn't no why.
"Ssshh Eddie, it's ok" I didn't understand why she was trying to calm me at first then I realized my breathing was out of control and my whole body seemed to slightly shake.
"Eddie it's OK, I'm right here" her last words seemed to help allot. I told myself over and over in my head. She's right here. I felt like I was losing control of my emotions, I couldn't hide the shock or grief, it owned me.
"Eddie I didn't mean too..," she took a deep breath and paused for a moment collecting her thoughts before whispering back to me again.
"I don't want you too feel how I feel."
"how do you feel bell" I asked as lightly as I could. Hoping she'd trust me like I did her and tell me how she feels, and no I won't judge it.
"I think I'm sick. I'm so scared of it Eddie, it's like I'm going somewhere I don't want to, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go mad and realise I'm alone" she panicked in moments of starting to talk.
"Bell, I'll follow you into dark, i'd follow you to the end of the earth,I promise. We'll go mad together,your never alone, not really, youll always have me." I promised with passion. I didn't care anymore that I was losing it, 'fuck it' I thought, embrace it and go mad with her.
It was easy to get her party ready, she hadn't moved an inch after falling asleep last night. I tied balloons everywhere, strung up streamers and decorations. I had a container of Esme's cupcakes to replace the cake, I put out bowls of party food and set up games to play, then I got a bag of confetti and little satchels of glitter to scatter everywhere , I even brought my small radio so we could dance if she wanted.
As I finally sat at the small fire preparing the pancake batter. I looked around and I knew she'd love it, it looked like a fairy tale.
It was perfect. I smiled widely at the sight, hoping it would make up for the extra stress i put her under. I got back into the tent and laid next to her. Music played lightly outside the tent. I laid down next to her watching her sleep for a minute. As I watched her I noticed her bag behind her with her photo book sticking out of it. I reached over and pulled it out without thinking. Nothing had changed in the start of the book but then after the photos of Charlie finished I could tell new photos had been added.
I knew she only put the photos in because she missed me and my family so much. But there were so many photos of me. Like she put them in there because she thought I was gone for good.
She gave up.
My eyes welled up and I couldn't stop the feeling as I starred at the photos of us growing up. When suddenly she started to stretch out in her sleeping bag. I tossed the book over her ,back on top of her bag.
Her nose scrunched and slowly she woke smiling.
She looked around from side to side puzzled. "You hear that Eddie".
I smiled and shook my head pulling the tears back before they let loose "Hear what?"
"Music". Her eyes opened wide and she went for the door to the tent. I helped pull her out and up to her feet. I looked at her as she took it in with a loud gasp, I leaned over to her ear and whispered "Happy birthday my Bell".
It was great, We ate junk food , played games and danced through the fairy tale setting, I did everything to make it perfect, I waited until she put the blindfold on, for pin tale on the donkey, then I filled the air with bubbles,
"Am I close Eddie" she slipped of her blindfold when I didn't answer to see she was surrounded by bubbles she looked around in amazement for a moment before walking straight through them to me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly "thank you Eddie".
She opened her presents before dinner. I put her necklace around neck knowing we both wished it wasn't me hooking it up. I knew that it would help her when she misses Esme and I guessed by the look on her face that the odd looking bird necklace meant something to her. I gave her the best Polaroid camera I could find...I could tell she loved it by the high pitched scream when she unwrapped it, I got her a few small toys as well but my other big gift was a new thick warm coat. I was always so worried she was cold...it was the only way I knew to keep her warm when she didn't have me to hold her.
We decided to go to sleep early one night and cuddle up and talk.
It sounded like a nice idea. I should of known better.
She eased her way into it again starting of with small chat.
"Will you please start going to school again Eddie"
I didn't answer. Not wanting to lie.
"will you at least try" she questioned my silence.
"No" I simply answered.
She pulled her body from my arms and sat up looking over me.
"why can't you try" she asked frustratedly.
"Bell. I can't" she looked down at me, her eyes searching mine.
"your just going to give up on everything" she almost yelled
"you can talk" I got defensive for no reason and went with it.
"What are you talking about" she asked raising her eyebrows and waving her hands.
"You put photos of me in your book" I accused.
Why did I say it. I internally started kicking my self.
I'm a Selfish asshole.
She sat staring at me.
Not saying a word. Not moving.
I wished I could take it back when I saw the hurt cover her face. But at the same time I wanted an answer.
"You think I let you go!" she snapped.
"NO" she almost yelled cutting me off. "I put those photos in there because I miss you. And every night before I go to sleep I want to see your face, Billy wants me to forget you. And I won't. I stare and stare at those photos of you. Burning you inside of me" she yelled at me now ,shaking and crying. I sat up and pulled her close running my fingers through her hair trying to soothe her.
"I'm sorry Bell, I didn't mean it, I'm just scared"
She nodded into my chest. It was one of the only times she spoke of billy. She always changed the subject or just shake it off. but now I knew there was more too it.
She hated him with a passion and I knew it was more then just him taking her from me. He had hurt her. I could hear it in her voice, I could see it in her movements, but I didn't accept it.
"I can't live without you bell, I'm not strong like you" she almost laughed repeating my last word.
It was overwhelming. I couldn't save her.
I knew her well enough to no I could never get her to tell me everything. She would think she was sparing me, saving me from the truth.
As I laid with her in my arms I heard the crunch of branches on the ground.
Before I could react the door of the tent was ripped open.
She didn't move. It was like the world froze.
She looked up at me and mouthed the words "I love you".
Then just like that she was gone.
I was grabbed my the closest officer when I went after her but they ran off with her and held me back once again.
When I got to the hospital Carlisle and Esme were in the waiting room. They looked horrible. They were pale and there eyes were red and looked sore.
They both looked over and saw me being brought in. They ran at me screaming my name.
I was happy to see them but I couldn't stop searching the hospital looking for her.
After the examination the doctor told me he wanted me to stay the night but that I was fine.
I agreed in the hope I could look for her once it got late enough. The doctor looked over his shoulder.
"Dr Cullen, come in, your son will be fine. I want to keep him for the night, just for observation of course. But everything looks good" carlisle didn't answer he just nodded and the doctor silently left the room.
He stood at the end of my bed staring down at me for the longest time. For the first time he made me incredibly nervous.
I never really thought about his reaction to my leaving. But that was the point.
"What the hell where you thinking" his voice was hard and scared.
"I wasn't...thinking" that was the point. I honestly didn't really think any of it through. I acted purely on impulse.
"Anything could of happened Eddie, what if"
"Stop" I yelled cutting him off. I don't no where my completely out of line emotional outburst came from.
"Don't you dare say 'what if' to me, My entire life revolves around 'WHAT IF'". But the harshness of my words were lost in him. He leaped at me and wrapped his hands around my upper arms, rubbing them soothingly.
"Ssshhhhh son it's ok, your ok"
"No dad, Not without her".
"Things have to change Eddie. You need to tell me what happened that night. What ever it is son you can tell me".
I stubbornly starred him. With my lips pressed firmly together, letting him no I had no intention of talking.
He stared right back into my eyes.
It was like some kind of stand of.
One he would loose.
After a few minutes he sighed and let go of my arms.
"Your brothers are outside, they want to see you before they go home."
I looked away from him while he got up and walked towards the door to get my brothers from the waiting room. Before turning back to me.
"this isnt over Eddie."
I looked up at him determined.
"Your Right. Its not."
He paused in his steps at my words but then carried on out the hallway.
My brothers ran in a minute later and jumped on to my bed excited to see me.
"We missed you" jasper said placing his hand on my shoulder.
We talked for awhile, keeping it light, but I could tell that Emmett was biting his tongue.
"Did you get cold?" jasper asked in his babbling.
"No. We were warm."
He had a million questions. I answered them quickly. So he could keep talking and hold the conversation up.
When he stopped to finally take a breath I decided to ask one of my own questions, seeing as they would be the only people who could help me.
"So. Do you guys no which room bell is in?".
They looked across the bed at each other.
Emmette nodded to jasper. He looked at me with a hint of a smile.
"She's not here Eddie, well...., I'll see you tomorrow" Jasper and Emmett exchanged a quick look before Jasper jumped off the bed and ran out the door. While I watched him I suddenly felt a smack in the back of the head.
"Ouch!...What's your problem Emmette" I demanded rubbing my head.
"What the hell is your problem Edward!. Do you have any idea what you put us through. Dad and Mum might be worried about your feelings, but I think the hell with your feeling seeing as you obviously dont give a shit about there's. Stop this crazy shit and snap out of it. Try thinking about our mother. I love you Eddie. You no I do. But snap out of it."
I sat glaring at him but he just walked out unaffected by the look I was giving him.
I didn't find Bell that night. Carlisle explained she wasn't kept in the hospital for more then an hour or two, before billy took her home, he told me after catching me trying to escape.
When I got home I tried to do what everyone wanted. I ate dinner with my family and went to school. Even though I didn't talk to anyone
Or do anything while I was there.
It didn't matter.
Mum and Everyone else got to watch me and think I was doing OK, and it would eventually get back to Bell . I felt better at the thought of her not worrying about me, which was the only reason I tried at all.
But when I wasn't at school or playing happy family I would sit in the Forrest by her house.
I wondered how much trouble she got in of Billy and prayed she was OK.
Wondered if she would get in trouble if I went to her window again..just to talk.
Every night when I would make my way through the Forrest to go home I would run as fast as I could , until it hurt. And every night I would find Dad sitting on the step sneaking a cigarette from mum.
I knew he was using these times to talk to me. To try to get me to talk to him. But also I sometimes wondered if he also wanted to know if I'd seen her. To see if she was OK.
I sat beside him and reached over and pulled the burnt out cigarette from his fingers , flicking it into the garden.
"How was School" he ask softly.
"Great dad, Schools just.."
"How about with out the sarcasm son" he added cutting me off.
"I hate it. But I can handle it" the words seem to flow out almost emotionless from my mouth.
"It will get easier Eddie, I promise it will ,your just angry. You need to give it time, and talk us...I no your trying, but you cant do it alone son"
I looked at my father. He looked so sad and worried. It made my heart ache to see him like this. So defeated , I could hear it more and more in the tone of his voice and
there were things he wasn't telling me too, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets, I knew that much.
"Do you see her?" he asked curiously almost whispering. I shook my head dropping my head to my knees.
"at least if he had of left her in the school in forks you could still see her everyday" he added frustrated once again with Billy.
I smiled to my self at the obviousness of it.
She went everyday.
I woke early in the morning and got ready for school. Not mine of course, but still.
I told Esme and Carlisle that I wanted to leave early to go for a bike ride before school.
It didn't take me long now to ride to the reservation. I was more than used to the long trip.
I hid in the Thick Forrest surrounding the school at the reservation.
It didn't take long to spot her. She walked alongside a boy who was laughing loudly at something she said. I didn't notice the lady walking behind her until Bell and the boy stopped and turned to face her.
She straightened her hair and done up a button on the boys shirt.
It was Jacob and Sam, and together they all looked like a family.
I felt overwhelming jealously.
I watched as Jacob put his arm around her shoulder and walked her into the school laughing.
Suddenly I was on my feet running to where I had dumped my bike. I wanted to get to school as fast as I could. I wanted to pretend none of it happened.
I saw her and I no shes ok.
I should of been happy. I mean I was happy for her. She looked really happy.
So why did I feel betrayed.
Why did I feel like punching that Jacob right in the face when I saw him put his arm around her.
She's not alone.
I'm happy for her.
I wasn't watching where I was walking when I charged down the school hallways. I was to busy thinking about how 'happy' I am for her when I felt a sudden hit to my arm.
"Watch it Cullen, you Psychopath"
I didn't even take the time to see who he was. After the first couple of hits I realized it was James. It didn't make things better.
He never got a hit in but It didn't stop me, even when he was unconscious on the ground with blood pouring from his nose.
I was yanked off him by a teacher and dragged into one of the conference rooms in the front office.
Esme and Carlisle both came in and were told by the principal I was suspended from school.
Like I cared, he said this was my last chance. One more assault towards a student and I was out.
My parents looked at me in horror. It wasn't
until I got home and saw that I was covered in his blood. It was all over my shirt, face and hands. I sat in my room on the floor staring at them. It seemed so appropriate that my hands be covered in blood.
Like it showed me for what I was.
"Edward" Emmett's voice came from behind me. I turned to find him coming through my door. His huge form dropped next to me.
"You gotta get your head straight brother, you keep losing it like this and they'll lock you up....or worse" he said lightly. But I could tell he was serious.
"I don't care anymore Emmett, they can do what ever they want"
Emmette looked over me and reached out taking my hands from my lap, realizing they were what I was staring at.
He then grabbed a towel and started to wipe the blood off. I just stared at him while he did it. I didn't want him to wipe it off , I wanted him to leave.
But I just couldn't be bothered telling him. He then started wiping my face and pulled my shirt of and put a sweat jumper on my lap.
I put it on and kept staring at him. His eyes held pity.
He cared for me.
He understood me, but pity, never.
My fists shook and my voice raised with frustration and anger.
"Don't look at me like that Em, you no James is a shit head. Why do you care. You think I'm losing it because I beat up James...AGAIN"
"I followed you this morning" he said simply and softly. I froze staring at him, my hands that were in the air slowly dropped to my lap.
"I tried to catch you after...but you ran off to fast by the time I made it back to school you were already in the office" I realized then that I had mistaken the look of pity for concern.
"She lives with them Eddie. You had to no that things would change eventually."
I simply shook my head at words. Because I didn't no that. I never pictured her as anyone else's but mine.
"Happy" I added finishing his sentence.
"She's not replacing you with him Eddie. She loves you. You've got to at least no that"
I looked back down at my hands and focused on them. I knew I'd failed her, my hands that pulled her from that truck but never made it to her father, the man who taught me how to ride a bike and throw a football. They weren't even strong enough to hold on to her when they dragged her away from me over and over after I left him to die. I knew that.
"Edward, you need to think of the good times and stop dwelling on the bad...... and, just let go"
"You want me to let her go" I added upset by the mere thought of the good times.
"No Eddie. I want you to let the past go. I've sat here with you for almost a year, watching you fade further and further into this hole. Let go of what was and except what is. Except that,.... that's just not our life anymore and probably never will be again. I loved her too Eddie, I lost my little sister and a man who was like a father to me and we can't get her or him back. I just don't want to loose my little brother too"
I didn't want to look at him.
He said 'except what is' , that's exactly what she used to always say to me. I would always reply to her 'over my dead body'.
I didn't want to be angry at him but I was. Because he was right. Like she always was.
He pulled my head over to his chest and kissed my hair and said "You gotta deal with this Eddie" before getting up and leaving me alone.
I curled up on my mattress and pulled her pillow close to my chest inhaling deeply searching for any scent that belonged to her. I cursed Carlisle repeatedly in my mind for the 'what if' remark. I don't no why, he didn't mean it like that. But still it played over and over in my mind.
What if I stopped that car before it hit Charlie's
What if I had of got bell out straight away and went back to him.
As I laid there driving myself mad with 'what if's' I heard scratching at my window. Like nails were being dragged along the glass.
She just stood there staring at me, her face was covered in blood. I could see bloody hand prints that covered the windowsill and surrounding wall leading up to where she stood infrount of me.
I couldn't speak to ask her what happened.
I couldn't move or breathe.
She looked like she had been hit by a train.
Her eyes were full of agony and her tiny fists were clenched , even as she leaned down to crawl onto the bed to her usual spot. She looked deeply into my eyes as she moved closer to me.
She was suddenly right next to me, so close I could smell her scent again even covered in blood.
I desperately wanted to reach out and touch her but as soon as my fingers touched her cheek she dropped lifeless and in an instant she was cold and her lips were blue, I shook her over and over screaming and demanding that she wake up, telling her over and over that she wasn't dead.
I woke sweating and screaming. In the dark I couldn't see that what I was clutching was my pillow and not her dead body.
The light was flicked on and My mother pulled me into her arms, squeezing me and running her fingers through my hair.
"Ssshhhhh sweetie, it's just a bad dream , Everythings OK" My mother desperately tried to calm me, but how could she. The damage was done.
The image of her dead, lifeless was just another image to add to my dark photo album in my mind of the things I will never be able to forget. She looked so empty. Her light was gone. How could my brain ever create something so incredibly horrible.
Why would it. Unless I deserved it.
Weeks passed and I heard nothing. I walked a very fine line at school. Known as a violent little psychopath wasn't exactly making me any new friends. I had been back for three days since being suspended for braking James's nose and everyone one avoided me. Not that I cared.
I ate lunch outside alone, even though Emmett and Jasper wanted me to sit with them, I didn't. I never went into the lunchroom or anywhere that would be to crowded. I didn't trust myself not to loose it again. I could feel it inside of me boiling. Waiting.
I sat against the building wall having lunch on the far side of the library alone and out of sight. I rarely ate my lunch I mostly just sat and stared at the tree tops. I was starring into the Forrest at Scout she stood looking back on the far hill in the Forrest surrounding the school, I just watched her watching me from a far wondering if Bell sent her to look over me when I heard a voice "Hey, Your Edward right?"
I instantly got defensive "Yeah, What's it to you" I looked away from Scout instantly up to see a lanky boy that looked at least two years older then me but I didn't know which class he was in.
He had a ruffled mess of black hair and a group of freckels covering his noise and cheeks.
I could tell my tone had startled him and I felt bad.
"What is it kid?" I asked a little nicer this time.
He walked over to me and put his hand out.
"I'm Xavier , I'm friends with Seth, Leah's little brother" before he could finish his sentence I was on my feet shaking his hand.
"Is she OK" I panicked asking him straight away.
"Isabella" , he knew straight away. I nodded at him while he spoke.
"She's fine, she asked me to come and talk to you" the kid looked kind of nervous. I did my best not to look like the school psychopath and smiled at him.
"what did she say" I tried not to sound anxious but it wasn't easy.
"well she told me to do something first, but...You've got to promise you won't break my nose"
"what" I almost yelled waving my arms in excitement. Then Xavier kicked me as hard as he could in the shin. I dropped to the ground rubbing it.
"Please dont punch me. I promised her. And im just as scared of her as I am of you"
I couldn't help but laugh. I sat up and patted the ground next to me. "sit please, it's fine really" I said still laughing. He looked at me for a long moment debating weather or not to believe me, before finally dropping to his knees next to me.
"she wanted me to tell you shes ok and she asked me to give you this" he shuffeled through his bag and finally removed an envolope from it with my name on the frount.
I stared at it in his hand holding the crumpled envelope before my shaky hand reached out for it.
"She's pretty worried about you. She heard you beat the crap out of James, that's what the kick was for. It pissed her off that you got suspended"
Xavier done his bag up and stood up looking down at me.
"If you wanted to write back to her, I could meet you here on Friday and I can give it to her on Saturday when I see her. If you want"
"Yeah that would be great" I said squinting at him through the sun.
"well I'll leave you to read your letter. Nice to meet you Edward" he said as he started to walk off.
"Xavier.." I choked out. He looked back over his shoulder at me. "Thanks. This means allot" I was grateful, he didn't have to do it.
I decided to be extremely nice to him seeing as he was so willing to help me stay sain.
I just looked at the letter before stuffing it in my bag. I couldn't help but watch Xavier walk through the quad to see what class he went to, I watched as he approached Mrs Cleaver's room. It was weird that would mean he was at least a year younger. I walked off wondering if the kid was just big for his age and having every intention of skipping class and going to read my letter but I couldn't bring myself to read it here. Not knowing what emotions it could stir up inside.
All night I sat in my room putting off reading the letter for some reason.
It wasn't until the very late hours when everyone was asleep that Scout jumped through my window to sit on my bed beside me and that's when I finally got the guts to open it.
To my Dearest Edward.
Sorry about the kick, but you deserve it.
I miss you. I've really wanted to talk to you.
I'm OK. Really I am. I'm doing much better.
I'm finally starting to sleep and everything is going well. I'm even liking the school.
The only thing I'm worried about now is you. I no your just freaking out because, you think I'm sad. But really my Eddie I'm fine.
I love and miss you so much Edward.
Please tell my other big brothers how much I love them and Esme and Carlisle of course.
Please write back to me. I need to no your ok. I just want you to be happy so much .
You need to stop trying to fight your way out of this. Its over, All we can do is wait until I can get out of here the right way.
Please write and tell me your OK.
I love you Eddie and I'm sure your reading this in bed so sweet dreams.
I wish I was with you like it used to be.
But we both have to except what is if we ever want to be happy.
I need you to be happy.
Once again I love you.
Just stay away from me.
"Huh" I just dropped the letter and went straight to my window grabbing my bag on the way. I climbed out and moved fast down to the garage grabbing a hammer and put it in my bag "Scout" I whispered waking her but I think she knew where we were going. I didn't bother with the bike. It was quicker for me to go through the Forrest on foot then to go to the roads on a bike. I ran as fast as I could even though the freezing cold air hit me and felt like it burnt through my skin to my bones.
I got to the back of her yard and walked straight through it up to her window. It was like the thought of being caught didn't even occur to me and Scout followed confidentially behind me.
When we got to her window I didn't knock or anything I just started to pull the nails out and left them on the ground near my hammer. I could see her sitting on the end of her bed with her knees pulled to her chest staring at me through tear soaked eyes.
After I got the three nails out of the windowsill I slid the window up and climbed in dropping the last nail with the rest.
She didn't move. She didn't even seem that shocked. Through her teary red eyes , I could even see amusement. I could see the hesitation in her. She budged slightly but then remained unmoving, as if she thought I was angry about a letter. The one I knew she only wrote because she loved me. When I read that letter it soothed the sting of seeing him with her. I knew she loved me. Enough to care more about me more then herself. Even when She looked horrible. Exhausted and shaken.
I opened my arms to her "come here"
She jumped off the bed and ran the few steps to me.
She collided with me with a hard hit that almost knocked me off my feet. I picked her up and took her the few steps to her bed and layed down with her.
I knew she had just woken from a nightmare and was sitting here alone trying to console herself.
I felt sick, Scout silently jumped through the window behind me and ran to her side.
Suddenly her weak whisper broke through the darkness "Edward, I...I'm"
"Sshhh Bell, get some sleep, it's OK baby really." Nothing I had to say mattered when she looked how she did, she obviously needed a good nights rest. As soon as I started to run my fingers through her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead shushing her to sleep, she was out.
She slept for hours and hours and I just squeezed her close to my body, wishing once again I could absorb her into my veins. Breathing in her scent and rubbing circles on her back like she loved me to do. Only when I was with her was it OK.
Only then could I feel that stretched out elastic of sanity get that chance to relax and slightly recoil.
I was not sure how many hours had passed but I could tell by how the room was lighting up that it wouldn't take long until morning and everyone would start waking up.
"Bell, baby wake up" I whispered lightly into her ear.
Her nose and forehead scrunched and her eyes squinted open.
"I've gotta go, but before I go bell I need you to listen to me" she was still half asleep but she looked at me seriously knowing I needed to talk to her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with her tiny closed fists.
"Don't lie to me Bell.
Don't listen to Emmett either." she looked shocked by what I was saying.
"I'm not stupid Bell. I love you.
No matter what.
No matter what. Even when things are bad....Just don't lie to me, I'm not the only one who needs to except what is. I am what I am now and you lying to me won't change that" I held her face lightly looking deep into her big brown eyes.
She nodded slowly and pressed her forehead to mine and slowly leaned in and gently pressed her lips to mine. I could feel her lips turn into a hint of a smile as our they slowly parted.
"I'll come back soon, its still early but keep Scout with you for a few more hours" I whispered, she smiled weakly and nodded again into my chest.
I couldn't help but stare at her like I was trying to prove to my brain she was alive examining her features bit by bit before climbing out the window leaving her curled up under the covers with the big white wolf.
I tried to move fast.
I tried to slide the nails back into the holes I took them out of so Billy wouldn't notice, then I hid my hammer under the house near her window.
Also this way I knew her window wasn't nailed shut. It just looked like it was.
I looked at her through the glass of closed window still rugged up in blankets, I kissed two fingers and pressed them to the cold glass then I took one last look around the yard and took off into Forrest.
I felt sick leaving her there. But I had to do this smart...this time I had to be smart.
If he was willing to nail it shut, I'm sure he would have no problem with bars. I couldn't really work with bars.
I would learn, don't get me wrong.
I got home just as the sun was starting to rise.
I did my best to be as quiet as possible climbing into my bedroom window. As soon as I was safe back in my room I stood for a second before taking a deep breath and walking straight for the door and snuck down the hall into Emmett's room.
He was still fast asleep. I sat on the side of his bed "Emette" I shook him harshly trying to wake him.
He waved his arm around to stop me from shaking him and struggled to open his eyes to look at me.
"What did you say to her?" I demanded in a low but firm voice.
"You should know Eddie, you've been gone all night....., you were with her weren't you" he said trying to turn it around on me.
I growled harshly at him "Stay out of it Em, you don't no what your messing with" I got of his bed and went to leave.
"I'm just trying to help you little brother"
I turned back to face him before opening the door.
"Don't". Was all I growled through my teeth before leaving.
I felt bad about talking to Em like that, but I couldn't just let him rouin what I had left.
I needed him to stay out of it.
I walked down stairs to the kitchen to get a drink. Seeing as I was still burnt out from the run.
I found my mother sitting alone at the breakfast bench staring into a cup of black coffee.
"Hi mum" I said breaking her concentration on the steam that flew from her mug.
"Edward sweety. Your up early" she said patting the stool next to her, willing me to sit with her. I pulled myself up and looked at her pale skin and bloodshot eyes.
"You haven't slept" she said softly wiping the hair of my face. Then suddenly pressing her palm to my forehead pressing it firmly before starting to panic.
"and your burning up. Are you feeling sick sweetheart"
I smiled and rolled my eyes at her.
I took her hand that now pressed softly to my cheek into mine.
"I'm OK mum, really. I just..." I looked into her sweet loving eyes and I couldn't lie to her but telling the truth seemed even harder.
My throat felt dry and mu voice was shaky.
"I went to see Bell, it's been so long, I just had to see her"
She nodded and I watched her eyes start to well up.
She looked at me for a long moment before I saw a hint of a sad smile escape.
"Your so different from you brothers" she said softly looking down at my hands holding hers.
"Your so..independent and,... grown up" she said as she slid one of her hands from mine and wiped the hair from my face. I tried to smile at her words because 'grown up' and 'independent' seemed like good qualities to have, but the sadness that covered his face told me she thought otherwise.
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm really even of any use to you, it's like your..."
"I need you mum.Always" I cut her off adding quickly.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for letting her think she wasn't the best mum and that I loved her so much. I didn't mean to push her away. But I honestly could barely look at her some days. The guilt and pain in her eyes reflected mine and rubbed it in my face a little bit more that everything was gone.
"It feels like the only time you ever really did need me, I failed you."
She really was my mother. She blamed herself for everything.
"I no you did everything you could mum, I promise you I do. It was out of your hands mum." I paused squeezing her hand in mine willing her to listen to me.
"Please don't blame yourselves anymore, you and dad did what you could"
She looked taken back with what I'd said. Like she didn't no what to say back.
"thank you sweet heart, that means allot.".
There was something about the way she looked at me. Almost like she didn't no me anymore. Maybe she could look into my eyes and see, I wasn't the same boy I was.
She would come into my room in the middle of the night to find my clutching pillows and screaming like I was being killed.
I knew I didn't have have long until they sent me to a psychologist. Dad was waiting for me to open up so he could see I was ready to talk to someone. He also knew that right now he could send me to the best doctor in the world and they wouldn't get a word out of me.
I couldn't sleep.
All I could think about was mum. I wanted to be better for her. There had to be more to this then just me. But if it was me I wanted to make it all better.
I tossed and turned on the ground.
Then with out thinking I leaned over and switched the light on. I got up and dragged the mattress back where it was meant to be and made the bed.
I dropped onto the mattress now back where it should be. Thinking that was the reason I couldn't sleep. But as I laid there I realized it wasn't. I flicked the light again with a frustrated growl, pissed off that I couldn't just go to sleep.
I started cleaning the destruction I had created while Scout sat in the corner watching me, realising I was mad. I put everything back in its place and picked up the broken pieces that covered the ground and by around 3am I was finished. It was back to its neat and tidy self. Exactly like it used to be.
I crawled under the blankets and switched the lamp off.
At the very least I knew it would make mum happy.The state it was in had been driving her crazy. crazier.
The dreams about Charlie were probably the worst in someways, because of the sickening feeling that I would get in my stomach when I woke. I'm sure it was guilt. But it felt more like I had been hit by a train.
Some of my dreams would return over and over, one of my more interesting terrors would start with me upside down in the car staring into his dead eyes.
It would feel like he was staring at me but I knew in my gut that he was dead.
I wouldn't be able to move because I was overcome with fear.
It felt like I hung in there for hours watching Charlie's and Bell's blood flood the car.
Even if I screamed and shook them they would just hang limp.
I would scream his name and disparately try to reach out to him. Begging him to save us. But as I stared at his hollow expression, his eyes would slowly move until locked with mine and in an instant I would become silent. He would stare into my eyes for the longest time.
Then suddenly he would start screaming in agony. Screaming that I save him. That he was being crushed. Blood would gush from his mouth, nose and eyes while he screamed and begged for my help. But I could never get my seat belt off.
I could never save him.
Is this what it feels like to go mad?
Am I meant to feel like a spectator in my life.
I started to spend my time just watching.
Everyone, anyone. Anything to try to distract myself.
I started to sit in the lunchroom again at school for no other reason then I was bored outside.
watching these kids was like watching a soap opera.
It just seemed so stupid. I just watched, listened and rolled my eyes. And even though I knew it was crap, I still kept watching. Just like a soap opera viewer.
I just hated everyone I realised.
I didn't feel the need to talk to any of these kids.
What was the point. In the end there really wasn't any. They were no use to me. They annoyed me in fact so why tolerate any of it. I was happy Bell made new friends. She was the best person, I'm happy more people can see that now.
When I was with her. I think I was a better person. I only ever felt like punching the people who hurt her but now I want to punch almost everyone at that school.
I'm worried that with out her maybe I'm not going to end up being a very nice person. I feel bitter at best and suicidal at worst. What do I do. In the afternoons I would read. I would read anything and everything to try and occupy my thoughts.
I just wanted to 'snap out of it' like Em said. Why did everything revolve around it. Even when I wanted to think about something else I couldn't. It all came back to her in the end. A year later and there was no sign of their being any light at the end of this tunnel.
So I decided to just sit back and relax into it.
I stood outside of the library on my break waiting for Xavier. He had slipped a note into my locker telling me to meet him here.
I stood kicking a rock around softly while I waited.
After I had become anxious enough he finally strolled around the corner, walking with his hands in his pockets and a Hood covering most of his face. "Edward" he said greeting me.
"Hey Xavier, what's going on".....
He explained that his father said that they were going on a fishing trip with a few guys from the reservation including Billy and his son. A huge smile swept across my face in an instant. I got the finer details of him and tried to figure out the rest.
Xavier was always more then willing to help, he really was a great guy. I felt like I owed him for all his help but, he said he didn't want anything. I promised him I would help beat up any kid that messed with him. But he begged me not to laughing that he would the have to face Isabella if I got into any trouble over him.
It was like he was talking about someone else. I never called her that, because she'd smack me in the back of my head. But also because it sounded weird. Maybe she didn't like being called 'Bell' anymore.
Isabella. Isabella. Isabella.
I could say it over and over in my head as many times as I like...it's still going to sound wrong to me.
It was weird I don't no why it pissed me off so much. It was her name. All through the rest of the day it hung over my head. I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I wanted to waste as much time as I could but I realized after walking through town that I shouldn't of. I walked passed the library heading towards the park, the Forrest was behind it and a great shortcut home.
Jame's best friend Mike, Just as much of an ass as Jame was. He leaned against the swing set with his friend Victoria who was relaxing on it, swinging lightly from side to side while she starred up at Mike talking while her eyes fluttered at him.
I started to understand Mike more and more over the last few weeks. He was one of the people I had been watching when I was bored. He was incredibly insecure and if I watched him when he was trying to work in class it was obvious he wasn't very intelligent. He hung around the people to make him feel smarter. In reality he was boring and average and he hated it. He brought everything in his life on himself.
He was grateful for nothing and acted like a spoilt brat that never considered anyone else but himself.
I decided to just walk past him and do the right thing no matter what. I tried to walk fast hoping he would just let me pass with no problems.
"Hey loner" he yelled laughing, not so lucky.
I kept my head down and kept walking.
"What wrong Psycho, in a hurry to get home to your mummy"
Seriously, 'my mummy' I smiled at him and shook my head. Letting him I know I knew his secret. He was a loser.
"I know your not going to hang out with all your friends , Like that dumb ass Xavier, he's been held back how many times now?" my smug silence seemed to be making him angrier, I couldn't help but keep it up, I understood now why Xavier looked older then me now, he was and no matter what the education department thought he was a hell of a lot smarter and more grown up then majority of teachers I know. I covered it all up with the smug smile that seemed to work so well at pissing him off.
He looked over his shoulder at Victoria.
"Maybe he's going to hang out with his little freak show orphan girlfriend , Oh wait your not allowed to too see her are you psychopath"
I couldn't tell you when I decided to do anything because I don't remember thinking it over.
I ran at him with full force lifting him off the ground when I collided with him. Started hitting him over and over until he cried.
No one calls Bell anything.
Not fucking ever. No excuse.
She never done shit to anyone, anyone who would dare say anything about her can go to hell. Fuck what anyone says.
Victoria plunged me of him in to the ground so she could see he was OK, he laid in the ground holding his stomach. I wondered while I got to my feet and started to walk away.
Now Ive done it' I'm screwed.
I was half waiting all night for a knock at the door or the phone to ring but nothing.
I sat on the end of my bed after saying goodnight to everyone, I was happy Emmett decided to go camping with a friends family. I didn't want to have to worry that he would hear me sneak out.
I checked my bag to make sure I had what I needed. Then I tapped my foot. Then I paced back and forth. Then I checked my bag again. And tapped my foot some more.Then I paced some more, and then I thought I'd mix it up a bit and started tapping my foot again. I never used to be anything like this. It happened so gradually. But lately I started to notice.
I started to notice myself.
I no that sounds odd, but I did. I could look in the mirror and the dark irises that surrounded them from living a life with no sleep. It felt like I was always moving, even if it was only slightly. I tried a few days ago to just sit completely still. I should be able to do that right?. So then why did I almost pull my hair out of my skull trying. Why did I have these dreams that only purpose seemed to be to drive me insane with guilt and make me sick to the core of my soul. I was violent. Even hitting James today was almost like a release of all of my anger, and made me almost feel good. I wanted to do it every day,If I thought for a second that my doing so wouldn't get me kicked out of school and upset the people closest to me...I would be getting home schooled.
There were so many more little things that I started to notice. I was far to scared to ask Carlisle about any of it, it seemed like good enough reason for a doctor to dope me up to the point of being a zombie.
I waited until nine o'clock to leave. I should of waited longer to be safe but I just couldn't sit in that room any more.
Finally I plunged at the window looking for relief from the anxiety of waiting. I sprinted through our yard and into the Forest.
I could of ran the trail from our house to the reservation with my eyes closed. It was the trail she and I created from running back and forth. As I approached the Black's home, I slowed up. Even though Billy was gone I still had to be careful. If Sam saw me and told billy, he would definitely make it harder then it already was.
I waited in the Forrest surrounding her house for a while to make sure I wasn't going to get caught. It almost seemed to easy and I was sure like everything else it wouldn't last long.
I wished more and more to be stelf like she was. I always felt so unco. She was quick and quiet and If pushed, possibly life threatening. I was just Edward. Always two yards behind her when we ran, the one who couldn't hack it and went mad.
It was darker then usual, for that I was greatfull. I made my way up to the shed in the yard and paused again. The sneakier I tried to be the more nervous I got I couldn't bare the thought of creating anymore problems for her. It felt like even my breathing was to loud. I could see that her light was on. I took one last breath before making the last sprint to her window.
I ran as fast as my feet would carry me to the side of the house before throwing myself soundlessly under her window. I closed my eyes for the longest time. It felt so odd. My hands shook uncontrollable. But why. I starred at them for a moment willing them to stop. I rubbed them into my knees that were pulled up towards my chest.
I shook my hands violently before standing quickly pulling the nails out with my fingers before I even looked at her.
My gaze met her shocked expression, she didn't say anything but I could tell I surprised her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" I whispered as I slowly pulled the window up.
"Don't be stupid. Get in here" she stood with her arms open and her hands opening and closing repeatedly that almost seem to demand me to hurry. I almost feel through the window to reach her but before I did she wrapped her arms around me and all but dragged me through the window.
"My god Eddie. I missed you." she buried her face in to my chest. No one else would of noticed the difference in her voice. It sounded desperate, more broken if possible...if it was possible.
"Hey" I pulled her back to look into her eyes, I searched them deeply to try to determine if everything was ok. I found I was getting straighter answers from them then her lately.
"I no we never see each other and it's a shitty fuck up that we never get to talk or anything but" before she could finish I started to lead her over to her bed. I knew it was what she was trying to say. I didn't need to talk to her, I just needed to be with her. I needed her close to stop myself from going mad, but I feared she needed me to have a good night sleep.I was kind of happy she didn't want to sit up and talk, I didn't want to tell her what I had done on my home from school today, it would seriously piss her off and I didn't want to lie.
Besides I loved holding her and running my fingers through her hair and rubbing her back soothing her into a safe sleep. It was the least I could do, the only thing I could do. I realise to allot of people this would seem useless and nothing but adding to agony but they just wouldn't understand that my love for her is out of my hands. It almost has nothing to do with me. Its like it comes from somewhere else.From Something bigger and stronger than I could ever be. I couldn't help but follow it blindly.
"When were older will you still take me too a big city, one we can get lost in, where no one know's us" I nodded in to her hair. Smiling at her dream, that she always loved to imagine. I told her how I would take her to fancy restaurants , out dancing at night clubs and never sleep because we would be having so much fun. I knew she had dozed of while I told her my story of her and I some where far away but I didn't stop. As I continued on with all the things we would do and see I started to wonder off and I told her how One night I would take her to the top of the highest building I could find, on a night when I could arrange fireworks to go off and then when she was on top of the world with the sky lit up , I would ask her to marry me.
I would make her future as bright as I could. I knew I could make her happy forever if given the chance, I knew it would be easy because it was meant to be. It was our destiny.
I had to look at all of this as some kind of test, I had to look at this as I was being tested. How I continued on would reflect my future, the harder I tried the easier life would be. I had to find a way to repair the damage done. To make her dreams come true. I was going to be eleven soon and all I could think about was a way to get allot of money together. I had a few years until we would be teenagers, it seemed like forever away, But I knew It would be so much easier to disappear when we were older. Besides I was playing it smart, and being smart means being logical. No more head in the clouds.
She began to squirm in my arms after a few hours and I knew she was waking up. she slowly lifted her head of my chest to look up at me and smile lightly at me.
"I dream about you" she whispered, not sweetly at all. She was admitting to night terrors. I starred into her eyes and reached out to wipe the curls from her face.
"What are they about" I whispered back so low I doubted she heard.
"lately there weird. First I see the stars and there everywhere, and they look beautiful like I'm drowning in them and I think I'm floating but then I see you. Your holding me and your all red. Your holding like I'm nothing, like I weigh no more then a feather.
It's so weird. I realise your covered in blood and looking straight ahead like your in some kind of daze. I can see your crying but the only sign is the tears that fall down your bloody cheeks and onto me. I don't no where we are but your carrying me somewhere and the night sky behind you is so clear that from where I laid in your chest it looked as if you where walking through an ocean of stars...you looked like an angel"
I let out a heavy breath that hurt.
What she remembered was what had been described to me by a few people. That I was found walking aimlessly covered head to toe in blood carrying her tightly to my chest almost two miles from the accident. The people who found us said I was in so much shock that they weren't really sure if I could hear them when they spoke to me, that I wouldn't let her go until the ambulance arrived. Then they said the ambulance officer explained that Bell needed to go to the hospital and that he would take her, and make sure she was safe. Then they said that I put her on the stretcher myself and collapsed as soon as she left my arms. But it was just a story to me and nothing more, I didn't say anything, I just starred back at her intensely. I didn't want to remember any of it and I didn't want her too either. I started to think that was why she seemed like she could survive it. It didn't dominate her life like it did mine. I loved that, for her.
"Was it that night?" she asked with no visible emotion on her face.
"I don't remember anything after..." she looked at me and scrunched her forehead.
"after what Edward?" she seemed to glare into me searching my eyes for answers. Ones I didn't want to give her.
"You said you didn't want me to tell you about it." I said questioning her. Hoping she would decided too drop it. It was a story no one needed to hear. Least of all her.
"I said I didn't want to hear what happened to Charlie, I want to no what happened to you" she declared confidentially
"their the same story" I breathed out as if confessing to a crime. She shook her head at me closing her eyes for a brief second. "You no what I mean. You can tell me what happened with out telling me what he said he wanted you to tell me." I was more then a little taken back with what she said. She seemed so tiny laying in my chest clutching my shirt as she spoke. I could almost hear her heart screaming at me not to tell her anything. I almost wanted to grab her and cry into her hair and tell her how horrible it was. How lifeless she looked, how her father was crushed and I couldn't save him, how I let him die.
"Eddie I can handle it" she added quietly when she saw the obvious reluctance to speak.
I didn't want her to handle it. She didn't want to no for herself, she wanted to no these horrible life shattering things to help me.
"Bell. I don't want to talk about it. Please. I don't remember most of it really" I was the worst liar. She looked straight through me like looking through glass. I reached out and wrapped my hand around the side of her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb softly. I was so happy she was unconscious for the accident. She doesn't have to remember him like that. With that look of complete and utter pain and horror. To have to realise we would have to leave him behind to die alone.
"The one thing you don't want to hear. Is the only thing I'm willing to tell you Bell, sorry baby but this is my burden to carry. Not yours, If the two of us can both only remember half of what happened then thank god I remember the first half. You deserve a better last memory of him then that."
She didn't get angry or sad she just stared at me for the longest time.
"I worry about you, I worry that your not going to be OK" now she sounded sad.
She looked so much older then the girl I used to meet in the Forrest. She was changing, her body filled out and the way her face looked even seem to change ,I realised I towered over her now , where as before I used to be the exact same height. Before I wouldn't of noticed the changes. They would of been suttel and slow but now it was thrown in my face that she was growing up with out me instead of beside me.
"Theres no point in telling you not to worry, is there?"
She smiled at me cheekily "Edward if you tell me not to worry ,I'll punch you. I love you Edward. Love is worry. Honeymoon period is over babe. This is gonna suck. Like really really suck living here and they may have to drag me kicking and screaming through the next few years. But in the end we will have our life back. It might not be like it was but we will be a family again one day."
She was confident and determined when she spoke. She spoke with a clear and collected mind. She almost sounded emotionless because she was so intense, then she added.
"We will be just fine as soon as people stop trying to fuck our lives up"
There she is, that's my my Bell. She was still in there.
I ran my fingers up and down her spine and used the other hand to wipe the mass of curls that had fallen in front of her face during her battle speech.
I wanted to force the image of how she looked right now into my head. Her cheeks were so Rosie and skin was as white as snow. She looked like an angel that had fallen through the ceiling and landed on my chest. I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek and rubbed the same spot lightly with my thumb , glaring at her tying to force a mental photo into my mind. once again convinced I could push out the bad thoughts and replace them with the good, I'm sure it doesn't work like that. But I couldn't stop myself from silently, but frantically trying.
We layed like that for hours, she whispered sweet dreams of our future while I continued to absorb the perfect moment.
I told her before the sun came up I had to go. For once the departure wasn't horrible. I could almost see a light for us. Sure it was dim and far away. But still, it beat the complete darkness.
We were happy, laughing and giggling while I climbed out of her window. I remember ducking my head back in the window and wrapping my hand over the side of her face to pull her close to me to kiss me. She wrapped her fingers into my hair for a moment before I took off into the Forrest.
I was deep into the Woods approaching my trail home in less then a minute. I heard a noise behind me but before I could turn, I heard a heavy blow.... I remember pain in the back of my head and my ribs.
I felt like I was drowning, sinking and falling all at once.
Everything was black and numbing.
For a moment I was dead.
I was done, and I felt at peace.
I didn't care about anything anymore. I can see there's no point. Everything will line up weather I worry or not.
I could just drift off into nothingness and it didn't matter at all, no time , no space , no pain and no bad thoughts or feelings. I didn't want to no how I got here. I didn't care. I was just happy I was here.
It felt like it was the longest time before there was anything other then this overwhelming daze. But slowly I could feel it approaching. Intense pain.
I fought it as much as I could. Longing to stay in the peace and quiet.
But it was useless, an impossible fight to win. I could feel my feet and fingers. The painful breaths that passed through my lungs. It was real and it was killing my numbness.
I slowly opened my eyes to see a white light. I couldn't think straight. I used all my strength to turn my head from the painfully bright light. I could see me father asleep in a chair next to my bed through my blurry vision.
"Dad" I barely managed to choke out.
He woke in a second looking over his shoulder first before looking at me.
For a full two seconds he starred at me in shock before leaping from his chair to hover over me placing his hand lightly on my chest, attempting to hold my still when I tried to move. The confusion was overwhelming , why did he look like he was going to cry , why was I in so much pain. I was weak and every breath ached through my body.
He pulled back to examine me, looking over me repeatedly as if he couldn't believe I was here.
"What happened" I choked out as I grabbed his arm as tightly as I could. He shook his head looking over at a machine that I was hooked up too. I could tell he thought I was just messed up from what ever happened or what ever drugs they had me on.
"dont worry right now son just try to relax"
"No" was all I could manage. My throat was so dry and sore and every word I tried too say scraped out of my throat like glass scratching a chalk board.
He paused staring at me for a moment. Searching for my seriousness. When he found out he finally gave me a small nod and explained what happened.
He said they didn't start to worry until late on Saturday night. They thought I left early Saturday morning too spend the day in the Forrest like usual, not realizing I left the night before. He said he sat on the front step after he finished work like he always did waiting for me to get home.
He sat for two hours waiting and he just knew something wasn't right. They started looking every where. All of my usual spots but I was no where to be found. He said that he and a police officer went to Billy's house to see if Bell had seen me. He said she became frantic when he said he hadn't seen me all day, she told him that I left late the night before, it was freezing and rain was coming. She looked at him crying almost hysterically knowing something had happened. She said that there was a trail I used that led back to my house. After she explained to the police officer where it was so he could call it in , dad and the police officer took bell to the Forrest to show them where I would of been. But I was no where to be found.
He said a search party looked for me all night and all the next day but I was not found until the very late hours of Sunday night when they heard the hysterical howls of Scout who had found me in a rocky ditch near the stream in the middle of nowhere in the Forrest. Over two miles away from my track and in the complete opposite direction of my house. I was stunned and speechless. He explained that it was now 3.30am Friday morning. It had been a week since I left Bells.
"Son I don't want to give you a hard time. I'm just happy your awake and safe. But, what were you doing out there, Bell said you left before the sun rose on Saturday morning. Where were you going"
I shook my head trying to put the puzzle pieces back together. I remember leaving bell. I remember I was going home.
"that doesn't make any sense" I choked out in disbelief.
"There was a steep hill by the steam where you were found. The police said there where signs that you feel down it.
"No dad. That's not right. I was on the trail, I was coming home. I swear." I started to get worked up. It was bullshit. What happened. Maybe I got turned around, that pain in my head must of been from me falling maybe?.
Something was definitely not right. I tried repeatedly to explain myself and what happened that night, but I could tell he didn't believe me. I knew deep down that there was no way I could loose my way so much, I knew that trail like the back of my hand , I knew I could run it with my eyes closed. But he just shushed me repeating that it didn't matter until my energy ran out and I passed out again.
Every now and then I would wake for a few
minutes to see different people in my room, checking on me. I couldn't find any energy to talk or move, I tried to but it just wore me out more. Finally I just gave up and rested, obviously I needed it and a part of me almost hoped to slip back into the heavenly abyss that Ive now been told was actually a coma.
They were angry. I got that.
Esme stood next to my bed with her arms crossed. I had been fully awake for two days now and they were passed 'just being happy I was ok'. Dad sat in the chair next to me, just as angry as mum.
"Edward things have to change"
I nodded automatically like all kids do when there in trouble. They didn't believe me that I hadn't lost my way. I was convinced someone must of been behind this, that something must of happened. I just had no idea what. I wasn't exactly reliable it seemed.
"Things have come to our attention to son and we've made a few decisions"
I became anxious. Dad sounded more assertive then I had ever heard, he looked determined to follow through with what ever was happening.
"What's going on with you guys, what's come to your attention?"
Esme stepped closer to my bed and sat on the edge of it taking my hand.
She looked at Carlisle as if asking for a go ahead, This was serious. She held my hand firmly and took a deep breathe.
"Your father accepted a job at a hospital in Phoenix , we're moving there."
"WHAT!" I sat upright in a second a shook her hand violently from mine.
"Edward, you need to start fresh somewhere, we all do."
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME MOVE ANYWHERE" I yelled at the top of my lungs even though it hurt to do.
Dad stood up and took the step he had to, do that he was standing over me like mum now was.
"Edward. You and Isabella will be better off" Dad said carefully
"DID I MISS THE MEMO WHERE WE ALL STARTED TO CALL HER THAT" The frantic and almost psychotic scream came out. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breathe. Trying to make sure I was calmer before I started again.
"Why do you want to leave her here, ALONE." I tried to be calm but my voice raised on the last word. How could they think this was right.
"Edward. Shes not alone, she has a new family. Shes been there for over a year now and it seems like shes handling it better then you are"
"No, shes not ok there. You dont know." I scrambled trying to make them see.
"Edward we saw the letter she wrote you" They were morons. Couldn't they see straight through that piece of paper like I did.
"That letter is Bullshit. She wrote it because shes worried"
"Edward" Dad almost yelled then paused to compose himself.
"I know why she wrote it. I've spoken to her and to Sam. Bell is doing ok. Your not. She's worried about you. Like we are. This isn't open for discussion anymore Edward. We're moving before you end up getting into real trouble or you end up....."
He didn't finish, instead he got up and stormed out the room. Not willing to listen to anything I had to say.
I never saw him like this. That's how I knew it was over. There was nothing I could say or do to change it. I shook with anger and frustration. Kicking myself internally for beating up James when I knew it would get me kicked out of school. I should of stayed at Billy's house till morning like I used to maybe what ever happened in the Forrest , wouldn't of.
"Mum, you cant let this happen, please, I'll do anything" I begged her.
She reached out wiping the sweat from my forehead and the tears that had escaped my eyes without me knowing.
"Sweetheart. You need help. You need to get out of here away from all of this sadness, your never going to get better if we don't at-last try."
"She loves me mum. She'd do anything for me, even lie."
"I know that" she said simply and softly.
"But I love you both. This isn't good for either of you. You both aren't getting anywhere like this. Your just treading water sweetie. Eventually you will drowned.
She loves you enough to lie, I know that too, But she also loves you enough to let you go and that's what this letter was really about wasn't it."
"I won't go" I said shaking my head stubbornly ignoring her. Because she was right. But I didn't care.
"OK, Eddie. Let's forget about you then. Do you think this is easier for her. Sam says she is depressed for days wondering when she will see you again. She says she's heard you jump in her window at night and she noticed how happy it would make Bell for days. But then she gets sadder and sadder waiting for you. She can't live her life when all she does is wait for you.
Billy will never allow you too see her after all this. I dread to think of the things you'd do to see her, or she would do too see you, we need to keep both safe, and for now that means being apart"
"Get out" I almost growled at her.
I stopped talking to everyone. Even when Emmett and jasper tried to come in and cheer me up, I just turned my back to them and closed my eyes, I wanted to be back in my peaceful coma more than anything now.
I wanted to be on my favorite cliff edge again.
I was beyond weak. I was slow and even more pale if possible. I looked like a zombie. The doctor said that I was allowed to go for walks through the halls of the recovery unit to exercise my muscles. I wondered aimlessly around the ward trying to get my legs working again, it seemed like they were exhausted. I didn't complain or ask questions I just did what they said and shut up, seeing as it didn't really matter what I had to say anyway. One day as I wondered alone through the ward I saw Bell walking alone down the hall staring at her feet as she walked unknowingly right towards me.
I blocked her path and stood waiting for her to take the final steps to me. She almost bumped into me, but looked up at the last second to see who was in her way. She didn't look happy to see me. She looked horrible in fact. Her head shook and she looked back down at her feet. I wrapped my arms around her and crushed her to me in a way that would hurt her and me but I couldn't help myself.
"Why didn't you tell them to stay Bell. They would of stayed if you told them you needed them too."
"I couldn't , I just couldn't" she cried into my chest. I knew there was more to the story. She reminds me of a volcano. I just had to wait and she would erupt. But it would seem that I wouldn't be here for her when it happened. I took her hand after seeing all the glaring eyes on us when I looked around and lead her into my room down the hall. I closed the door behind me and shut the blinds.
She was hyperventilating behind me, I turned to see her hitting her own head with the palms of her hands. I reached out and grabbed her wrists and pulled her to me again wrapping my arms around her like a shield. I held her in my arms and swayed her slightly and began lightly humming a tune to calm her. My mind had been racing since they told me, I think I had figured ways to get through it temporarily but long term was another question. The realization that this right her, right now was it. Could be it for a very long time made my hands shake and me eyes spill out an unlimited supply of tears. Who would make sure she's OK and hug her when she's sad or tell her every things going to be alright one day, even when it not. It was as if someone was sawing me in half right now as I stood here, I swear I can feel a jagged blade tearing through me right now. I wished I could take her into that peacefully deep place that I was in. She would loved to have felt that. The memory of it still rushed through my body and made me feel so incredibly hopeless because I missed the control that came with the nothingness , to realise somehow that it simply doesn't matter. But that realization is something that only a severe head injury and almost being frozen to death in the wilderness can bring on.
Bell squeezed me tighter and tighter crying while her fingers pulled at the fabric on the back of my jumper. What was I supposed to to do, I couldn't even run away with her because I was still so weak and sore that I could barely walk. What am I supposed to do. I couldn't think straight I just held her hoping for the right thing to say to make it ok.
"I'll always come back for you Bell. Don't ever think its over. Not ever. I promise you one day it will be OK"
"Billy's watching my every step again. I convinced Sam to bring me, so I could at least say..."
"Don't you dare say good bye to me" I almost yelled taking her face in my hands and lining our eyes up.
"You ever need me. Ever. I promise you I'll get to you, no matter what it takes Bell I'll come back, and one day when we're a bit older we can run so far away no one will ever find us"
"I didn't no this would happen" she almost cried out.
"What, Bell" I asked but she shook her head. I knew there was allot more to the story behind why my parents seem to want to run from here so fast. Why they seem to think its OK. I had a feeling Emmett had been in her ear, but isn't wasn't worth worrying about it now. It's done.
"Will you be OK Eddie" she sobbed out.
I slowly wiped the hair from her face and kissed her head and cheeks lightly.
"I'm going to be fine baby, and so are you. We're strong, right." she nodded in agreement through the tears.
"I was so scared I'd never see you again, I prayed that if you'd just be OK, I'd do anything, But now, ." she could barely talk she was so upset and I feared I was holding her up.
"With out you Edward. Nothing matters anymore. I only ever wanted you forever. Nothing else, just you forever"
"That's what you get baby, I promise"
I shook my head not wanting to loose it and lifted her in my arms pulling her closer, I closed my eyes and started to tell her how I had a plan. It would just take time. One day I'll be back for good. That I loved her and no matter what I would love her forever. I begged her not to forget it.
Sam opened the door. Bell turned her head but I pulled her gaze back to mine. "Forever, right"
She nodded, wiping the tears. "Forever, I promise." she wrapped her hands around my neck and pulled me in desperately kissing me and holding my lips to hers passionately before pressing her head to mine. Before she could fully turn her body from mine , she was scooped up into Sam's arms. She looked guilty as she pulled Bell tightly to herself. I watched as the door slowly swung shut and then just like that, that chapter of my life was over.
I turned and looked around my hospital room, what should I do now. All I can think of is smashing everything. Opening and closing my fists tightly trying to contain it.
But it was useless, no one could see that from here on out it would only be about getting back to her, nothing else will ever matter. They can not force love away.
I didn't smash the room, or scream like I wanted too. I just climbed back onto my bed and sat perfectly still.
No more happiness, no more childish dreams they all walked out the door, with what was left of my soul not far behind that.
Couldn't they see that their plan to keep me safe may in fact kill me. Not that life without her would be any life at all, not like I can forget the promises I made to love and keep her safe. Not like anything matters without her.
The door clicked open and he came in slowly and stood at the end of the bed, I can't say how long it was between Bell leaving and Dad walking through the door. I sat in the center of the bed with my knees pulled tightly to my chest crying uncontrollably into them. I could almost hear him thinking that this wasn't healthy, that I wasn't healthy. But instead of saying anything he just sat in the chair by my bed and didn't say a word. I ran my fingers through my hair and gripped it tightly pulling at it until it hurt. Dad stood slowly taking my wrists in his hands.
"Why are you doing this." I said in a way that almost seemed like I wasn't talking to him.
"Because I don't no what else to do" he answered quite simply.
"You pulled your stitches" he said softly as I realised that blood slowly ran down my neck to my chest from the back of my head. I didn't care. I just watched the blood cover my chest slowly. He got a few things from the draws in the room and sat behind me.
"Does it hurt"
"More then anything ever has before" I knew he was talking about my head, how could I possibly feel anything but this forever. Didn't they get it at all. Is there no one here who understands that it was worse than losing a limb. As if they had found a way to remove my heart and keep me alive.
"Did you no that you broke Mike's arm and fractured his collar bone, with that and trespassing on Billy Blacks land. I need you too understand son these things matter. Your doing things that could rouin your life son. Or end it" I almost rolled my eyes at him when I saw him look like he could scream. "Your mother and I sat by this bed and watched you laying there lifeless. Our little boy. Even when we knew you would wake up we didn't know if you had severe damage done. I can't just sit on my hands waiting for things to get better, because lets face it, that man hates us and he will end up putting you in jail over Bell" he wasn't trying to lighten the mood, he was pretty serious. I didn't care if I went to jail or died but Carlisle did.
I never went back home, I didnt want to see it empty and I couldnt think straight about what I could do to make any of it ok.
Mum and my brothers had already left but I had to stay with Carlisle until I was released from hospital and well enough to travel. When I was released Dad got a room at the motel to stay at for a night while he tied up some loose ends with work. I sat in the room promising him over and over before he left that I wouldn't go to the reservation, and I could honestly promise that I had no intention of going, I knew I had no chance of getting close to her especially now that Billy knew I snuck in her window. Things would be bad enough for her now. But there was something I had to do that was going to break my heart.
I left a note for Carlisle explaining myself just, incase he beat me home. I left the room and walked slowly dragging my body through the park into the woods. I went to the usual spot near the old tyre swing where Bell and I used to play and waited. It never took her long. Scout appeared behind me with out a sound. I looked down at her and nodded for her to follow. It wasn't a far walk.
the driveway to the house was longer then anything. Just like Charlie, Hidden in the middle of no where.
I couldn't bring myself to look down at her following me. I had this feeling in my gut that I might never see her again.
I could barely walk every step made the feeling of concrete on my back and shoulders heavier. I feel to my knees from exhaustion more them once and the sight of me pressing my face to the dirt trying to find will to keep going when I could of just gone to sleep.
I arrived finally at the house and paused looking around waiting. Just like scout they didn't take long. Within a minute I was surrounded by Five huge wolves spread out starring curiously at Scout and me standing on the dirt road that led to the house. One of bigger wolves that was white too stepped closer, She then barked at Scout. I looked down at her just as she barked back and they ran at each other playing and jumping all over each other. I looked over to see Malcolm standing casually against the side of his house covered in white paint.
"That you Eddie." hey yelled with a smile and his strong southern accent.
"Yeah it me" I said none to excited to be here.
"Well what's happening boy, I'm pretty sure your meant to be in hospital son." he asked walking towards me.
"How'd you know." I asked curiously.
"Led one of the search party's son. So what brings you and Scout to this part of town."
I looked over at Scout playing with the other white wolf and then to the ground.
"Were leaving town." I confessed not able to look him in the eye.
"I heard." he said with a hint of a smile from the small town gossip.
"I can't take her with me. She's to wild. And she's not mine to take."
Malcolm nodded and looked over at her knowingly.
"yeah old billy black don't like her to much I've heard" I shook my head and kept looking at my feet as my eyes welled up.
"So how do you call her." he asked lightly.
"I don't no, just yell her name and wait. She might take awhile but shell find you."
"You no she won't stay her all the time."
"I no she won't. She spends most of her time sleeping under Bells window or on Charlie's porch or She follows bell and watches her from a far but she knows not to get to close now. Bell said Billy will shoot her if he gets the chance. I just need her to know she has somewhere to go if she needs too."
He nooded and looked over again at Scout.
"I've got to get back. I just needed to bring her here so she knows. I don't want her to think i just left her here alone." I couldn't help but let the tear escape.
"Well say your goodbyes and get in my truck boy ill drive you back to town."
He turned and got into his truck and waited there. I couldn't breathe. It was almost harder then saying goodbye to Bell because I didn't know if she understood that I wasn't abandoning her.
"Scout" I yelled as Malcolm backed his truck back past me to his mail box to wait.
She slowly came over to as if she knew that I was upset. She stopped at me feet and sat looking up at me. I broke and fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around her squeezing her far to tight.
"I'm sorry , So sorry everything went like this. But ill be back and I promise you, I'll fix this." I looked in her blue eyes and she knew I was going. I choked back the tears again and shook it off.
"Malcolm will look after you OK Scout, you need to be here. You can watch Bell but you need to stay with Malcolm" I tried so hard not to cry as I pointed to Malcolm's house. Then I pressed my head to hers one last time and closed my eyes.
"Stay Scout. I love you girl."
I started to back up taking one last look at her. She took one step towards me but stopped and sat starring at me get in the old truck.
I got in the truck and closed the door and watched in the mirror as she stayed sat in the same spot watching me go. I could feel myself shake and my fists clench. I didn't no if I was supposed to be like this so angry. I wanted to take her with me but I couldn't imagine her in a fenced yard, sleeping in a kennel. It wouldn't work.
"You no I believe those dogs are almost spiritual the way they roam and stalk through the Forrest, they look in your eyes and they know everything in your head. They know when your sorry and angry and when everything's turned to shit. No shame in crying over loosing that, she's crying in her own way, because she knows everything's turned to shit."
Carlisle never knew I left. I was back with plenty of time before he got back thankfully.
I stood staring out my window waiting for Dad to finish his last arrangements with the hospital. I pulled my hood on and sunk my hands into my pockets , contemplating running. When I heard a noise at the open door to my room.
"Edward" I turned to see Xavier standing in the door way. I smiled at him and nodded him in. He walked over to my side and stared out the window with me. I liked Xavier he was quiet and collected, not like other kids his age.
"You thanking of running" he almost laughed out. He was also perceptive.
I shook my head sarcastically "Never" . He stood for a moment taking in the view before putting his hand out.
"I brought this for you" he handed me a piece of paper with what looked like an address on it. "Thank Xavier, you shouldn't have"
He laughed and shook his head. "Its my address. I told my mother to bring me here to say good bye to my friend from school who's moving away. So they wont ask any questions when my friend writes me letters, if you get my drift"
I put my hand out. He took it with a smile.
"Thanks Xavier. Really, you don't no what this means, makes things...easier" it was the only 'going away' gift worth getting. he nodded understandingly.
"Your a good friend Xavier." I said realizing other then Bell , he was my only friend.
"I'm just happy your OK Edward. I don't no the in's and out's of why you cant see her, and its really none of my business. But what ever the reason is I'm sure its a stupid one. Your a good person Edward ,you love her...., I'll see you when I you get back" he patted me on the back and walked out casually leaving me standing facing the window like he was never there.
We drove for the longest time, I didn't want to let on how much I hated it. They just weren't safe. I knew that much, Charlie was a great driver but it doesn't matter when there are so many other idiots out there. The drunk drivers car that collided with us was totaled as well as the car that followed that would collide with Charlie's crushing to the car in front. But other then me and Bell the only other survivor in that accident was the drunk driver. They needed the jaws of life to get him out but when they did he apparently almost all but walked away.
No rhyme or reason. It doesn't matter if you good or bad, it's just random with no excuse.
He stopped at a few places trying to cheer me up but It didn't work, I wasn't really a traveler but Bell was, she would of loved to see the worlds biggest ball of twine or what ever else Carlise wanted to show me.
We stopped at one gas station that had a bus station attached I stood and stared at it for a long moment before I heard him.
"Edward, lets go" I turned and walked slowly to the car slamming the door as I got in. I hadn't exactly been the best person to be with for a long road trip but I soon understood why. I felt sick and exhausted from the motion and couldn't stand sitting still for more then a couple of hours because I would suddenly get horrible cramps.
I kept thinking over and over about that night before all this happened when she laid on my chest giggling and resting her head on me while I played with her curls and rubbed her back.
"You no there's a tourist book in the glove box, maybe there's something good in there" I looked over at him while he drove.
"maybe not" he added taking in my glare.
"Let's just get there dad" they were some of the only words I spoke to him.
"We're not selling the house, we're just trying something else for awhile OK. A few years and who knows"
I starred out the window, at the open land and like everything else it just made me miss her more.
"I'm not to young to know that I love her"
"Maybe not, but if it's real it can wait." he seemed so clear, more then I had seen him since Charlie died. He was determined he was doing the right thing. New house, new job, new friends....New life.
That was the plan. It didn't seem like it would kill me. It really didn't seem that way.
Where do I start.
How can I explain.
I have never hated anything the way I hate this fucking place. If I wasn't insane before, I sure as shit was now.
The house was horrible. It was huge and modern and very white. The walls, the tiles absolutely everything seemed to be white except for my bedroom. It had a huge tree outside of it just like my old room and it was the only room that was painted pale yellow, it was different from my old room that was blue but the exact same colour as Bell's old room. I didn't need to unpack or go through any of the transitions of moving. I went from the hospital to here pretty much. As if that old life never existed. It seemed almost to easy for Emmett and Jasper , they both fit in great at school and done better then they did before. Jasper met a girl his first day, Alice. She was bouncy and really really...happy.She hadn't had the easiest life but that hardly seem to get her down. She would come over after school and I had to watch as her and jasper became inseparable. I was incredibly jealous and standoffish of them both. Esme watched me staring at them all the time, I could see them play and laugh in the lounge room. Emmett was horribly nice to me, I avoided him not because of that but because of the meaning behind it. He'd done something, he was guilty and I could see it. Not that any of it mattered now. What's done is done, it doesn't mean I have to forgive him for any part he had in taking me away from her.
It seemed as if I could make no right move here. I tried to keep my head down and that looked crazy but if I react the way I want they'll say I'm crazy and violent. So what. What do I do.
I refused to talk to the psychologist, even though he assured me I wasn't doing myself any favours. His name was Harvey he was a middle aged child psychologist. He seemed nice enough. He explained the the silent treatment was not original at all to him, he'd seem it all before so I might as well just get on with it. I'm not saying he didn't make me laugh. I just didn't see the point in telling him anything, couldn't he just look at me and see that I was doomed , that I was lost.
I wrote to Bell twice a week, telling her everything like it was no more then a boring story, I tried to kept it as light as possible and so did she in her replies but our pain often broke through the written words. My parents didn't know about the letters and I didn't tell them, I wasn't lying. I just didn't see the need to tell them and seeing as one of my chores was to bring in the mail it just never came up.
I would sit in class at school writing and writing page after page to her, I told her all about Alice, knowing she'd love that he had made a good friend. Every stupid thought that went through my head , things only she would get.
I told her how everyone was doing OK even though it was a lie. Esme had been acting weird since we had been here. She seemed like a zombie. She was so tired and quiet all the time and I knew she was seeing a psychologist too and it was obvious she was on something.
I would sit on the front steps to the house and wait for dad to get home from work in the afternoons. He was never home later then five and never did night shift or weekends. He was home all the time with us, it was nice that he was here. She wasn't alone sitting in the kitchen anymore waiting for him to get home so they could argue. It seemed Mum had no more fight left in her. I started to wonder if I was the real reason we moved here.
Dads car finally pulled into the driveway around four thirty he got out of his car smiling at me. He loved how I waited for him in the afternoons, sad fact was my father was probably my only friend. Most days we would sit and talk for at least an hour but today he had to take me to see Dr Harvey. It wasn't a very long drive but dad always took the long way to drive past the beach I refused to go too. It was always sunny here, not like rainy miserable Forks. But somehow it seemed miserable and darker here.
We pulled up outside the office and dad looked over at me after hearing about how I hate school and I want to beat the crap out of this kid Shaun and how the little shit deserves it. He was just like James, he wanted to fight but he will be crying to anyone who will listen when he ends up with a broken arm.
"I want you to talk to the doctor about this Edward. Because you sound so ready to get yourself removed from another school".
It wasn't easy to find a school that would take me. I had to promise to behave and keep my hands to myself as well as see a psychologist , which was also advised by the police officers at Forks after the whole incident with James.
"I'll see you in an hour dad" I climbed out of the car not saying yes or no. I just made my way into Malcolm's office. It was a nice office with old style wooden furniture but it was full of stacks of books and note pads.
It was comfortable at least, the coach was huge and cushy. I relaxed into it after nodding to Fran the receptionist on the way in. Malcolm waved his arm with out looking up at me, still in the middle of writing something surrounded by his piles of books on his desk.
"How are you today Edward." he said throwing his pen down after a few minutes and looking up at me smiling through his general old man grumpiness.
"How are you Harvey" I said with a hint of a smile.
"Kid do not start with the 'question with a question' bullshit , its been done and frankly i think your smarter then that"
I liked him, he was challenging and smart, and a little bit manipulative.
"I write to her" I don't no why I blurted it out. It was like I was confessing it to him, like I thought I was maybe doing the wrong thing.
"how is she?" he asked curiously, he didn't seem at all surprised.
"She seems OK. It's hard to tell with her"
"Do you think she's lying?"
"No, it's not like that. Everything probably is fine but unless you can see her eyes you'll never know if she's OK. Everything is in her eyes"
I must admit I like talking about her. Even if thus guy was just trying to see if I was crazy. I must admit I was rather curious myself.
"Edward can ask you a few questions about Bell."
"Sure why not." what harm could it all do. The sooner I was better the sooner I could go back to my real home.
"What is one of your first memories of Bell. No matter how small of insignificant it may seem"
My mind wondered and I could see her. She was so adorable, her curls hung all over her head in a messy main.
"we were on the beach"
"How old do you think you were" he added encouraging me to talk.
"Three maybe, we were playing in the sand and a crab crawled out and bit her finger, I remember I freaked out and grabbed it and started to blow it and kiss it over and over trying to make it better. Then suddenly she told me that I'd fixed it."
Harvey smiled at the obvious cuteness of the story and wrote something on his pad.
"Carlisle told me her mother left when she was very young. Do you remember her at all?" I shook my head. I didn't have one memory of that evil bitch and I'm glad Bell doesn't either. She was dead to me.
"Your not a fan I take it"
"No not really"
"Did she go to Charlie's funeral"
"No. She didn't, she's a coward"
"It must of been hard for you to watch someone you love go through that, when you yourself can barely deal with what's happened."
"What exactly did my father tell you"
"that you refuse to talk about the accident, that you refuse to talk about anything really."
"Its just that. It's kind of private. It happened didn't just happen to me, it was a great mans last moments , it's not some story you run around telling."
He nodded and starred at me for a long moment.
"Edward do you remember what happened after you got Bell from the car"
"I honestly do not remember anything, I hit my head and I lost allot of blood and..."
"And ontop of all that you carried a girl over two miles away from then scene of her fathers death, so that if she woke up she wouldn't see any of it."
"Maybe. I don't no. Like I said, I don't remember and I hit my head so,"
"right" he said looking down at his feet, why was it so hard to believe I didn't remember that, Even Bell said I was covered in blood and looked like I was a Zombie.
"Do you remember what happened the night you left Bell's house." I shook my head straight away. I could see how it looked like I was lying. How much can you possibly black out, and such stupid things.
"Would you tell me about the camping trip perhaps"
"Sure Doc, what do you want to know" it really didn't seem like it would do any harm.
"You were gone for almost a week. Weren't you scared out there, you were both out in the middle of Forrest alone"
"Not alone. I had her, and it was the happiest I've been since Charlie died. Everything was.... perfect."
"Perfect" he questioned.
"when you miss someone, like I miss Bell. You could be anywhere for it to be perfect."
"You care about her very much."
"I love her. She's everything. She looks at me and she see's me, like really see's me. When we were out in the middle of no where, I was me. and every minute since then that I haven't been with her I realise more and more that without her I'm just..."
"Just what Edward." he asked softly leaning in. I looked him in the eyes and said clearly and coldly.
I knew it sounded horrible and messed up. But it was the truth. I started to wonder if it was OK to be so dependent on someone else. I mean this much, this way. Then the overwhelming want took a hold of me. The want to be better then I was.
Dad said he was worried of what I could turn into and now so was I. She deserved better then some head case.
"I broke that kids arm and fractured his collar bone, I didn't even know that I hurt him that bad. I don't even really remember half of it. I just lost it."
"You've said before that he provoked you" he questioned, relaxing back into his chair.
"He called Bell a name." I shrugged "You don't call her anything ever. Not ever. She's like this really good person and , you just don't fuck with that." I paused with a smile as the old memory that came to me and escaped my mouth.
"When I was five or six I was playing at the park on my new bike and this big kid took it from me. He pushed me over and rode around the park making fun of me until I got up and left. But Bell found me walking home crying and demanded to know what happened.
She wasn't even scared of him, she was just so mad. She couldn't even think of the fact that he was at least three years older then her and twice the size. She didn't seem to care, she was just so angry that someone hurt me, so angry that she'd do anything to fix it ,no matter the consequences. You don't fuck with a girl like that. She's just the sweetest thing .She's like my hero, and for a split second things like that come into my head when someone picks on her and I snap."
He didn't judge me or look as if he thought I was mad, He just looked as if he understood it for some reason. He almost nodded to himself before writing something down again.
"Do you ever dream about her Edward?"
I had wanted deep down to talk about the dreams to someone. They were absolutely killing me, I could admit I missed sleeping, it was almost as if it was a thing of the past. I never closed my eyes without seeing something. So I thought 'Fuck it', and nodded to him.
"what happens in them, are they the same or are they different."
"Their different, but kind of the same I guess. She always dies. She's always covered in blood and I can never save her. They more then just terrify me, they brake me heart."
Dr Harvey leaned in his seat and stared at me again for a moment "Edward do you do you honestly deep in your core believe that something bad will happen if your not there"
"yes" I answered honestly.
"Well no offence kid but, your like eleven years old. Don't you think that its a bit to much responsibility for someone your age, I mean are you sure shes in any danger."
I thought about the question. I thought about the way he nailed the window shut, but he wouldn't be the first man in care of a young girl to nail the window shut, to keep her from a boy. I've seen him yell and scream and he kept her from us for no reason. All of which could be justified. She never really told me anything about anything he done. It was all just a feeling in my gut.
"Look, I know how it looks to everyone. But I'm not making this up in my head. The guys an ass hole."
I just tried to remain calm at school. Not talk to anyone if I could , I ate lunch with my brothers and Alice, Alice and I were the same age and were in the same class so at least I had one friend, that would do. Then after school I would catch the bus straight home and go straight inside to my room. I didn't no what else to do, I had nothing I could do it seemed. Nothing at all took my interest, I shied away from people because I feared them being ass holes and setting me off. Then I would get kicked out and that brought up the other reason to be good and also why I ran to my room after school. She looked worse and worse each day. She didn't talk or move or do anything really. It was a good day when she just left her room and that was usually only the days she had to see a psychologist or see another doctor. I was so horribly worried for her. Dad said there was a really good doctor for her to see her and he also started to try to explain that there was a really nice spa that she might have to stay at to get better. He tried to make it sound like a retreat or luxury hotel, when in reality he was describing the nut house he moved her for. So we could be close if she had to be admitted. He was scared, I could see it in his eyes. Which intern horrified me. Once again I could see no hope. I think a big part of him thought moving her here would fix everything, or at least make it good enough to keep hiding it from us. But the way she sat and stared into nothingness and couldn't even seem to care enough to talk anymore made me see it straight away. My mother wanted to kill herself.
Getting in trouble wasn't an option anymore, my problems had to be dealt with by me.
I had been waiting for a letter from Bell but when it came another letter came with it from Xavier. I tore his open first, kind of worried seeing as he rarely wrote. It seemed like something was wrong but I couldn't tell what really. He said that he was thinking maybe I should talk to Bell on the phone, that the next time she came over he would try calling. He said he thought she seemed a bit lonely but nothing to worry about, she had Jacob there to be her friend, but still he wanted me to talk to her. I was excited about talking to her, I missed her voice and now all I could think was that there was something wrong. He insisted over and over that everything was ok, but how could I believe that. Xavier had written once and told me how his father and billy often drank together and that he was pretty sure his mother would leave him soon, he said the only down side to that, that he could see was that he might not be able to pass letters along if they moved far.
After a few months of living here I could tell it wasnt going to get easier. I was always going to want to run home to where we belonged. I liked nothing about it, not that i gave anything a chance.
After a few hours in my room I would wait on the front step for Dad to get home.
His car turned around the corner and watched as he made his way down the street and slowly pull into the driveway. He never seemed to arrive without looking at me like he was ecstatic to see me, like I was the his favorite person in the world.
He sat next to me and folded his jacket over his knees.
"How is she" he asked pulling a cigarette from his hidden pack under a loose brick on the step.
"Quiet, she's in her room." I answered. Looking straight ahead.
"She gonna be OK dad?."
He inhaled deeply on the cigarette before looking at me and I could see the cluelessness in his eyes and he just shrugged like a moron. "I don't no son. I used to think we would all be OK one day but know." he didn't finish he just looked straight ahead again. It might seem harsh but I think he knew better then to lie.
"Havnt you got any hope left Dad" I asked just curiously Looking over at him.
"I do. But I'm worried it's false hope." he admitted flicking the cigarette into the garden. I thought for a second and smiled.
"false or not. It's still hope. That's good. Its something."
Part Three - I came back for you
The only way this will work is if I get up right now and force myself to walk away from him. To make myself never look back, leave forks high and tell Jacob why, leave town even.
Anything I could do I should do it.
But I can't. My legs refuse to work , all I can do is sit here in this meadow by my fathers old house and let it happen. Look at him less then a meter away, shining in the sun, so bright it almost blinded me. I mean, why does he have to look like that.
"Tell me..." I said.Trying to snap myself out of my daze then realizing after speaking that I may need to clarify more. But I didn't.
"I don't know where to start, What do you want me to tell you" he said looking down for a long moment unsure of what to say.
"did we go we ever go to a lake" it was one of the few memories I had of when I was younger, if you could call it that. It was more of a flash of sitting on the water I don't know how possible in the sun with him laughing.
He half smiled and looked around for a minute as if gathering a memory.
"We all used to go camping every year. Your family and mine.
That was nice.
We went to this cabin by the lake all the time and it was big and it was sunny , open. We used to go fishing and there was this tyre swing that we all used to swing off into the water on. You and I used to swim to this barge in the middle of the lake. I remember us both sitting there in the with the sun beaming down on us. We could watch my brothers on the swing playing and we could look up on the hill and see our parents drinking and cooking on the barbecue in this big gazebo outside the cottage. You used to fish with me and one day you pulled in this huge fish and everyone on the side of the lake was screaming about how we were 'eating tonight' but you just looked at me and smiled before you let it go. We were happy all the time Bell. I could sit here all day and tell you a hundred memories of us being happy."
The moment I had been waiting for had arrived , I couldn't breathe. But not because I was panicking, but because as he told the story about the fish, I remembered the fish. I remember pulling it in on my hand line and how the line cut into my hands as I dragged in the massive fish. I remember Edwards big smile as he sat next to me.
"You said it was beautiful." I said smiling at him.
"You remember that." he said almost embarrassed.
"I remember feeling happy, because I knew you'd understand. I saw him in the water struggling to get free, sparkling in the sun.
It was beautiful."
I remembered almost everything about that day the more I focused on the details of it. I could feel my eyes well up and tried to breath slowly, wanting desperately not to look like a complete emotional wreck.
"What else do you remember Bell" the shiver ran again as he said my name. There were so many small flashes of nothingness that never made any sence to me. But these glimpses seemed fresh in his mind down to the smallest detail.
The one memory that had always dazed me was when I was maybe twelve, I woke in my room and I remember not being surprised he was there in the middle of the night. He just put his hand out and I smiled widely at the sight of him and took it eagerly. I looked at him sitting before me and all I could think about was the feeling of complete and utter enjoyment at the sight of him, overwhelming love and compassion for him being there.
"You came to my room one night, I remember, you were older and you stood over me and put out your hand, you had this cherky look on you face, like you could of burst into laughter and thats how I felt, i just dont remember why" I asked almost to fast to understand and sitting way to close.
"I remember. It was your twelve birthday. I woke you before the sun came up."
He smiled at me and looked into my eyes and I could see he was remembering the morning.
"How did you get here. I mean you say you came back to see me after you moved..how" I wondered if maybe his family made visits back that I don't remember but he smiled confidently at me and cheekily like in my memory.
"Yeah but, with who, how did you get to me"
"This is so weird telling you about this stuff. I mean, you were there, You don't remember Marcus." I shook my head. I didn't remember any Marcus..Ever.
"Xavier's well, friend that he made after me moved" I looked at him blankly and shook my head at him.
"Who's Xavier" I asked clueless. Now he looked even more stunned. I didn't see why these people were so important. His face suddenly became very understanding and slightly nodded to himself as if he just suddenly understood something.
"Xavier was our friend when we were kids and when I moved he helped you and I stay in touch. But then he moved and well, the kid changed allot. Very fast. I kept writing to him cause he's like one of my only friends and I just had to be on board for that crazy ass ride, I mean his letters. Just waiting to see what he was going to do next was pretty awesome. That's what he used to say about us." he shook his head and realized he was staring to babble.
"Well anyway Marcus was a, Well I guess an employee of Xaviers.I guess that's the right term and he trusted him, and he was right to, Marcus was great. Xavier told Marcus to catch a plane to Phoenix and pick me up and fly back so no one asks any questions, then we got in his car and drove to your house thats when I got you. Then Marcus drove us to this motel outside of town and took care of the arrangements at the front desk so no one would bother us. That's how we spent your birthday in a hotel room for the weekend. I remember There was a mini bar, it's actually the first time we got drunk." he laughed at the end. I couldn't believe that he went through so much just to be with me.
"You did all that for my Birthday." I asked almost skeptically.
"You told me you needed me to come and get you. So I found a way, Well Xavier did anyway...I needed you too, I needed to be with you"
Well. What do you say to someone who looks at you like that and tells you the story of how a twelve year old boy schemed his way across the country to get to me.
I wanted to remember all of this so badly and it seemed the more he spoke the fresher things seemed to become in my mind. As if he were opening a window to my memory that I had locked, that possibly only he had the key to open it. My mind raced more and more trying to pick which memory to ask about. I scanned and scanned and Charlie's face returned over and over. I didn't want to ask but at the same time I almost couldn't help myself.
"Charlie" I managed to let his name pass my lips with out the tears spilling out so I took another breathe and continued slowly. He looked at me carefully as if he could see that I could brake at any moment.
"He,....Did he used to spend allot of time with me?." I asked slowly and shaky.
"He did. When he wasn't at work he was with you. His whole world revolved around you Bell." He looked surprised i would even ask but I couldn't help but smile to myself at his reply. There weren't any flashes of my dad except for the last morning I saw him alive and I couldn't bring myself to ask. I became anxious trying desperately to think of something about him, no matter how small, but my efforts caused my hand to start to shake. I looked from my hands and became so incredible embarrassed when I saw that he was looking down at my hands that had become clenched into fists , soon he would see that all those kids at school are right, Ive lost it.
"He used to carry you on his shoulders...always. Everywhere he walked you were up there."
I smiled and let a tear escape as the memory I always had of flying through town while everyone waved suddenly became clear. I remembered.
I sat high up on his shoulders and felt ten feet tall while he walked through town paying bills and buying groceries. Then I remembered looking down at him and resting my head on his while I wrapped my arms around his head, hugging it from above, he would reach up and hold my hands while he walked, he was so horrified of me falling but I loved it up there and he knew it.
I choked on my breaths and shook more and more. I was happy but at the same time shattered. It may seem stupid to remember the top of someone's head and it be enough to make me cry. But it was the only part of him I had remembered in years. I couldn't believe I remembered being with him. I had spent years sitting and staring out my window just trying to remember his face but one conversation with Edward and I could almost feel his hands holding mine.
He was home.
His Shiny silver watch caught my eye and I saw that I didn't have long until Jacob would be finishing work. I huffed scrunching my forehead and looked around the meadow as if the thought of Jacob brought me crashing back down to earth.
"You have to go." he said looking over to the meadow where I was. But I couldn't answer, I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to leave. He was like this drug that brought the sun out and made the skies clear.
"Bell, I know I have no right to ask but are you and Jacob....Together ." he didn't look me in the eyes when he asked, he just kept starring at the ground. Preparing himself for the answer.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be what I was anymore, I wanted to be Edwards again. Just from the small thing I remembered made my very core scream at me to hold on to him.
"Were just...Close, I don't no." I scrambled to answer, fidgeting with sleeve of my sweater.
"Bell, I don't want to start trouble for you really. Or for Jacob." I could tell when he said his name that he wasn't happy about it and for the first time neither was I.
"What do you want Edward." I asked trying to understand what I could possible have to offer someone so perfect.
"I just want you Bell. Any way I can get you. I just want you back, I want my friend back."
"OK." I answered with a whispered nod.
I starred at the sauce boiling in the pot and all I could think of was his lips and how they curved when he smiled and the tangled mess of bronze hair that fell over his face when he looked down. How I wanted to be with him.
"It's just fucking wrong, no matter how you look at it."
My head spun.
"What." I said totally freaked out as Jacob stood shirtless behind me, towering over me. Looking incredibly pissed off.
"Hank. He gave my Saturday shift to that new guy Shaun." he said rolling his eyes at my obvious cluelessness.
"That really sucks Jake." I said quickly turning back to the sauce boiling. I started to turn red and didn't want him to see. He had never lied to me or done anything behind my back. He left school to get a job and look after me, I mean I owe him everything and I was thinking about Edward Cullen like this. The guilt was overwhelming, all through dinner and watching TV I couldn't look at him. I was horrible. I could say over and over how nothing happened and we just talked. But is that really true when all I could think was that he was my missing link. That I understand now what it's like to really want something.
"C'mon Bell. Lets go to bed" he said after sitting infrount of the tv for hours not talking. But as I crawled under the blankets with him
I laid there in his bed with him wishing I was some where else. Wishing I was someone else.
I wonder sometimes if Jacob noticed me. I no when I'm obviously pissed off he worries and asks if I'm OK. But after all these years I doubted that he really knew me at all.
I waited for him to fall asleep before I really started to wonder what my next move would be. There were questions I wanted answers too and now I had someone to give them to me, to give me back my life.
But the idea that Jacob would find out kind of freaked me out. Ever since everything had happened with Mike, I started to question Jacobs trust in me. It was no surprise he had trust issues but what happened was completely out of line.
Jacob was working with Elliot Peterson building a house when Elliot started to brag about how his younger cousin was getting a lot of action in high school. That he saw him grab this hot girls ass in the car park and Mike said that she was one of his many girls that he calls when he has an itch he can't scratch, says her names Isabella.
Jacob knew mike was in my classes and knew I was the only Isabella in the area let alone the school and that was what killed it for me and jake.
He didn't pick me up from school that day like usual. I waited for over an hour before I gave up and walked home. By the time I arrived it was dark and I could see his truck parked in the driveway. My first thought didn't go to anger but to fear. All I could think was that he was hurt or something bad had happened. I burst through the door to see that all of my belongings had been smashed and left in pieces on the floor. He had ruined everything and he sat in the dark awaiting my arrival so that he could see the hurt in my eyes when I saw what he had done.
I gazes down at ripped photo albums and smashed cameras , anything that meant anything was gone.
He looked over at me almost blankly but it was obvious he had been crying.
"Get what's left of your shit and get the fuck out you slut." the hurt in his voice took over the anger and I was left wordless at his outburst.
"Why him and not me. Am I not good enough for you. Do you fucking love him."
He ran at me while he yelled and I remained unmoving and silenced by his rage that had never been seen before by me. His hand gripped my arms and he slammed me into the wall demanding answers. That was when I came clean telling him that I hated mike and he made my life hell at school, that I was almost scared of what he could do. It took a lot of convincing but he finally believed me. Then he hospitalized mike.
But the way he looked at me that day. Like I was the enemy and he could see it now, from one stupid conversation with someone he hardly knew and I was dead to him. He didn't trust me. Forever I would know that. I wondered how small the mistake would have to be for him to turn on me again and loosing Jacob was not an option but neither was loosing Edward. So what do I do?.
No matter what someone gets hurt.
I knew deep down that Jacob didn't mean to hurt me so deeply, he apologized over and over for putting his hands on me that day, but he hurt me so much more then just bruising my arms. He left me unsure about the only constant in my life. At least I thought he was my constant.
A part of me didn't really even want to believe that I once had this fairy tale like existence, that Edward was lying about it. They were just stories, fantasies I so desperately wanted to believe, so I made myself believe. But the other part knew better, the part that cant stand to wait until tomorrow to see him. That's the part who tells me it's real, that everything will change now.
I layed there for hours thinking about what could happen, playing out scenarios in my head of how this could all go horribly wrong but often got distracted when I thought about his gorgeous smile.
"Jacob, up and at em"
I woke cheerful. Which was odd for me. I liked it. For the first time in god knows how long I actually wanted to get to school. I cooked Jacobs breakfast straight away and tried to slip my shoes and button up my clean shirt while the beacon spat oil at me, but I didn't let the stings upset me. I decided to just enjoy the good mood without paying to what or who brought it on.
I sat at the table while he ate and I sipped my coffee smiling to myself while I looked out the window to the surrounding Forrest.
"What's with the goofy smile." he asked trying to make conversation.
"Nothing." I said standing up from the table to fast taking my cup and his now empty plate from infrount of him to the sink. I stood there rinsing everything in the sink waiting to feel his hands on my hips. I felt his eyes follow my ass the whole way to the kitchen and knew he would try to take advantage of my good mood and almost like clockwork I felt his huge hands on my hips slowly encircle around my wait and rest on my stomach, I could feel his hot breath on my neck and then his wet lips kissing me roughly down to my collar bone. I closed my eyes for a long moment convincing myself that this was what I wanted. That if Edward was just my friend. And he was. This should be OK, I should be able to start making out with my boyfriend. I mean I was sixteen, shouldn't I be enjoying this as much as him. Before I could think further about it he spun me around and ran his fingers into my hair forcing my lips to his and his tongue into my mouth. I forced my self to kiss him back like he kissed me, I ran my hand over his huge back but as he continued to kiss me and press me into the bench behind me, I started to feel like I was being suffocated. Like the walls were closing in and the tighter he held me with his hands trailing over me the more I started to feel like I was trapped. I grabbed his arms and pushed him off me.
"Um,We've gottta....Go." I slid out from between him and the bench and walked over to the table to get my bag. I didn't look at him because I didn't want to see the pissed off look on his face. I felt bad for hurting him over and over like this. I felt like I wasn't doing the right thing ,pushing him away every time he advanced on me. It had been years and I still couldn't shake this feeling of being pushed somewhere where that would lead me to being trapped in darkness if I didn't get free as soon as possible.
The car ride to work was silent and we refused to look at each other. I knew he thought it was him and even when I tried to explain myself I could tell he thought I was just making excuses to not get closer to him.
He pulled into the car park and kept the car going.
"Pick you up after school. Walk to the work site if I take to long."
The words came out harshly and I couldn't help but look in his direction to see the hurt that crossed his face and embedded guilt into my stomach over something I could honestly not control.
I watched his truck tear out of the car park taking my good mood with it. I ran through the front door of the school and down the empty hallway to the art department hiding in the photography classes dark room. I slammed my bag on to the bench and dropped my head down to my hands, wishing over and over to be and feel normal. To be able to love him like we both wanted but my brain simply would not allow. The door creaked open behind me and I didn't waste time grabbing my bag to barge my way through so who ever it was didn't see me crying. Mike stood at the entrance blocking the door, I walked at him with my head down to push past to the open door behind him. But there was no luck for me this morning. He shoved me back so hard that I hit the ground with a thud, he slammed the door behind him and advanced towards me quickly and before I knew it he had picked my up off the ground with ease and sat me on the bench. My struggles seemed so stupid. His hands trailed eagerly under my shirt and bra grouping me and kissing me even through me screaming to stop. My fists hit him over and over until he grabbed them and held them above my head pressing them firmly to the wall. It had been only a few minutes since mike had come in and had no defense against him. The feeling of suffocation returned and all I could think was how I was being punished in some way for hurting Jacob this morning but before I could finish the thought or think about the fact that the door had been opened again mikes hands were suddenly being ripped from me along with the buttons that closed my shirt.
Edward had mike life's of the ground with his hands wrapped around Mikes throat.
He glared into mikes suddenly tear filled eyes. Edward didn't say a word he just starred calmly at Mike choking to death in front of him, while he struggled for air and to release Edwards grip on him.
"You ok Bell." he asked with his ruff but soft voice.
"Yeah. I'm OK." was all I managed. Edward didn't stop squeezing Mike straight away. First he squeezed tighter and then got close so that Mike could look into his eyes.
"You and the rest of those assholes better back the fuck off. Or do you want a repeat of the third grade." Mikes eyes became wide at Edwards words and his eyes traced back from me to Edward.
"That's right Mike. Can you see what a well adjusted individual I've become."
With those words Edward's hands released his throat and grabbed his arms to hold mike up before he dropped to choke, Edwards knee lunged in between Mikes legs and then dropped him like a bag of bricks on the ground.
"I don't care if it's you, Jessica, Victoria , James or who ever. Anything happens to her from now on, I'm coming after you Mike." he stood up leaving mike on the ground unable to do anything but hold his crotch and gasp painfully for air. I looked at Edward with my mouth hanging open. He started to take his coat off while he slowly approached me. I realised he was moving slowly because I was shaking so much from Mikes attack and froze in my spot of the bench. He looked so concerned as he got closer taking my arms gently and putting my arms through the sleeves. I wondered for a moment if he thought I was cold but as I numbly followed I realised that the buttons that mike had ripped out had left me completely exposed. Before I could freak out Edwards hands had hooked the zipper in and pulled it up before my hands had a chance to try to cover anything. Mike struggled to get to his feet to run and i looked over Edwards shoulder to see Mike acting like a frightened animal trying to escape from a hunter. He was completely helpless falling over himself trying to flee as fast as possible.
"See you around Mike." Edward said not taking his eyes off me to watch him try to make his way out. He paused at the at the sound of Edwards harsh voice but continued on his way quickly.
"Breathe Bell" I followed what he said and let my self take a breath and desperately tried to stop shaking.
"Hey, look at me Bell. Your safe. You hear me." the words stunned me and when my eyes met his that we're filled not only with rage but incredible concern but my eyes couldn't let myself believe it and all I wanted was to justify what he had just walked in on.
"I didn't want him too....I mean... He, he just came in and I couldn't." I scrabbled and stuttered every word but suddenly both his hands laid softly on the sides of my face.
"Sssshhh, stop it Bell" he whispered softly while his thumbs circled my cheeks lightly as if despretly trying to calm me.
"Did he hurt you." he said as he reached down with one hand to take my shaking hands in his, examining my wrists in the small bit of light the room had shining from the red bulb. I suddenly realised he was looking for bruises from mike holding me down and suddenly I was overcome with relief for the dim red light that would of helped hide the hideous scars that trailed over my chest and stomach.
"I'm OK really. Mike just. He's just." I desperately wanted to explain so he would loose the pity that seemed to be building in his eyes.
"Bell. Don't. You don't have to. He's an asshole and if even looks at you again I'll kill him. This shit ends here." I didn't no what to say. I just starred at him. How could he instantly believe and defend me. Mike could get any girl he wanted and everyone knew it. That's why I always knew no one would believe me, even my own boyfriend.
"Bell look at me. Do you understand. This ends here." I nodded at him not really knowing what he was talking about. I mean did he really think that would work. I loved watching mike squirm on the ground but it seemed like a short term solution to a long term problem.
"I'm going to fix all this Bell. All of it." I shook my head at his determination. Why was he doing this. He had no idea what he'd just done to himself, they would eat him alive.
"You can't fix it Eddie, it is what it is. Save yourself." I blurted out but my words seemed to light his face up and he almost laughed out.
"What!" I asked demanding to know what was so funny.
"You'll see. Your in there somewhere. I'm going to fix this." in that moment with his face close to mine as he made his promises I almost let myself believe him that he could fix it. His eyes were fixed in on mine and I could feel his warm breathe hit my lips and I moved slowly closer to him, he remained unmoving but I could see the slight arch of his neck towards me and I reached out with my still shaking hand to touch his face like he was mine and when my fingers rested on his skin for a moment I lost myself just for a moment. I felt his hand that wasn't on my cheek move slowly up the outside of my thigh to rest on the bench and I let my legs slowly wrap around his waist and pull him even closer but as soon as I had him where I wanted him I moved both my hands to his chest and immediately looked down.
"Sorry Bell, really Iam, I didn't mean too. I just miss you so much and then with." He begged for forgiveness for reasons unknown to me and I just melted.
"It's not you. Believe me. I just can't." I said reaching out again to touch his cheek. His eyes smiled into mine as his hand covered mine the rested on his cool skin again and he slowly moved into me again and put his lips to my cheek for no more then a second and then reluctantly pulled away.
"Are you OK to go to class? We could always cut again if your not up to it."
I smiled and slid of the bench. I was still a bit shaken but all in all I felt unharmed except for the scratches and marks Mike left on my chest but I could handle that.
"Let's do this." I said with a deep breath in and out first. He nodded and walked over to the door to hold it open.
He was right things were different.
I walked into the hallways that flooded with students heading to class and I just felt better. I looked at Edward walking next to me with his head high in the air and I could almost feel his confidence radiate into me.
"I need to use the restrooms" I said trailing off in it's direction.
"Excellent, I'll walk you." I couldn't help but wonder what his excitement over my using the schools facilities were, but when I looked at his smile I had to start wondering what exactly was going on.
"I'll wait her." he leaned casually up against the wall while the other student scurried past.
How can I explain it.
Well that's just it, I can't. I walked in and looked around in complete amazement. My eyes teared up and I could finally feel it. His love, it would save me. I could truly see now that loosing Edward was not a question. It could never happen. I would never allow it.
What he done was.... The nicest thing I can ever remember anyone ever doing. I turned and swung the door open again to see him still standing up against the wall and made my way through the people between us and lept into his arms pressing my tear soaked eyes into his neck. He held so tightly that I didn't care about any of them anymore, now I could see that he was stronger then all of them.
In the days that followed I started to wonder how he pulled it off. We sat at our own table in the lunch room completely undisturbed and each morning Edward would meet me in the quad to walk me to class and it was all completely uneventful. It was so odd, No one in the entire school bothered me in the slightest. One of the older boys actually held the lunchroom door open for me and I almost fell over in amazement. How the hell does he just walk in and change everything pretty much over night. Except for the overwhelming guilt when I was with Jacob my life was actually looking up, I actually liked going to school and dreaded that it was Friday and i wouldn't see him for two days.
Part four - To catch her.
The last time I saw her she was thirteen.
I heard the buzz of the pager that lingered quietly in my pocket. It was for Emergencies only, so the sound always brought on hysterical anxiety. I snuck down stairs to the kitchen and called Xavier's mobile, he answered after one ring.
"Edward. It's go time buddy." This and his tone ment, get ready now.
"What's happened." I asked trying not to sound like I was a mess.
"I don't know exactly Ed, messages passed down the grape vine. I just know I have to get you home and to the 'cliff edge' as soon as possible.
The cliff edge. That make sence to you Eddy?."
"Yeah I no where to go. It's at home." I answered while packing my bag.
"OK, well your flight leaves in two and a half hours. I booked your ticket, you can get it from the front desk. Marcus will meet you at the airport when you land, take you where you need to go."
"I'll pay you back for all this one day Xavier."
"It's just money Eddy. Besides we're friends, I'll help when I can.You just go and make sure your girls OK."
"Well like always, Have a good trip and call me after you get caught."
"of course,Thank you my friend."
With that he was gone and I was slipping my sneakers and Hood on and climbing out my window, running towards the bus stop.
I arrived to find Marcus parked in the usual spot leaning up against his shiny black jeep. I honestly didn't really know exactly how Xavier managed to become the person he had. Not to say that he wasn't one of the most extraordinary people I had ever met and he other then Bell had become the most loyal friend I have ever had. He told me once that he understood how the world worked. It's all about who's got the right connections and who's got the most money. Imagine moving to a new town that is the exact opposite of where you came from. His mother barely noticed him , she had a new boyfriend within a month of moving there and he hardly saw her. He spent a lot of his time wondering around the city that seemed to run of illegal dealing, drugs and criminals. It was all about being in the right place at the right time. Going of into a dark ally in the middle of the night to take a piss near a dumpster, he said he was surrounded by boxes so when the cop car chased the black BMW down the ally and the passenger attempted to throw the brick of pure cocaine into dumpster and speed off past him with the cops seconds behind them, No one noticed Xavier come out from the pile of boxes and climb into the bin retrieving the brick that ended up getting a street value of around 1.6 Million after Xavier learnt how to cut it.
He spread everything out.
He done a lot of favours for a lot of people in the drug world, made a lot of investments and found that he could manage to get a lot done with the right connections. It was all about supply and demand.
"Edward, welcome back brother." Marcus yelled when he spotted me. He immediately started to get into the jeep and start it up. He always moved as fast as possible, I assume because that's what Xavier asked.
"So where am I driving to kid." Marcus asked as we sped down the highway.
"You can drop me off at my old house in forks, I can go on foot from there." it was always simple like that. Marcus never asked to many questions he just got me what I needed and where I needed to go, he'd become a pretty good friend too, he even pulled over once and made me swap seats with him when we had time to kill and taught me to drive. It was interesting.
Marcus made his way to the outskirts of Forks and I finally started to feel a bit better knowing I was atleast closer to getting to her and I almost jumped out the moving car when we pulled into my old driveway.
"Ok, before you do the runner, You need anything? I can drop stuff of later if you want."
"No its fine, thanks allot Marcus." I shook my head rushing to answer.
"Page me if you need me, ill be in town for the next two days....., OK, run."
I smiled and took off out the car door and ran into the woods. I could of laughed at being back in the familiar playground if I wasn't horrified that something really bad had happened to her. I don't know how I expected to find her. But I definitely did not expect to find her like this. She sat on the cliff edge with her legs dangling off the side. I dropped my bag at my feet and ran over to her. She heard me coming and turned her head so that our eyes instantly met and she was on her feet in a second running towards to me as fast I was running at her.
She lept into my arms wrapping her legs around my waist wirh a force that knocked me off my feet to the ground with her on top of me. The shock of falling didnt effect her at all she pressed her lips to mine kissing me over and while she pulled me closer. I lifted her up so I could sit up with her on my lap and legs still wrapped firmly around my waist. I couldn't help but kiss her back and run my hand over her back pulling her into my chest but I felt her tear soaked cheeks under my fingers and pulled back slightly to look at her.
"What happened." I asked firmly. I instantly wanted to kill someone. I could see that some had hurt her and I saw red.
"Scout's gone Eddy. I don't know where she is or if she's OK. Its all my fault." she harshly choked out every word through her heart broken sobs. I placed my hands on her cheeks lightly to calm her.
"Ssshh Bell. She'll be back just tell me what happened." I whispered looking deep into her red eyes. She shook her head at me a choked back more sobs.
"I was in the yard and Billy.....He was drunk and him and Sam just fight all the time and.... She saw him and she attacked him. I managed to get her to stop before she ripped his arm of but he got the gun and shot it at her." that's when she looked down with the horrible look of guilt washing over her and tears started to continuously poor while my heart broke for her. "I yelled at her and told her to leave and never come back. I screamed it at her. And now she's gone and she's all alone. She's not at Malcolm's or anywhere else. She hates me." she almost screamed. I pulled her as close as I could and rocked her gently. "She loves you Bell, She'll come back. She's smart she knows your just protecting her."
I managed to calm her down after a few hours but I could see that she was deeply wounded over telling scout to leave. But it didn't make seance and she knew I would want the full story. We laid down and I pulled the blanket from my bag and cuddled close to her under it starring into eachothers eyes running my fingers over the features on her face that I craved to see each day we were apart.
"Bell, why did Scout attack Billy." I tried to ask as calmly as possible because I knew that dog and she would never attack anyone. I dreaded to think why she would bite Billy. She bit her lip and looked down creasing her forehead, and I ran my thumb over them gently trying to remove them.
"Bell. Tell me." I said less calmer, the more I wondered what triggered all of this.
"He was chasing me, and Scout just came out of the woods and jumped at him."
"Was he going to hurt you Bell."
"We'll never know I guess." she said with a devastatingly hopeless look in her eyes.
"Bell has he put his hands on you."
It took me no more then a split second for me to see something in her eyes that I had never seen before, it was shame. She refused to look at me again and pushed her face into my chest so I couldn't look at her at all.
I thought I knew, what it felt like to snap. To truly no that you want something, like I wanted him dead . She would never give me details u knew that. But I didn't need them, there is no excuse for that look in her eyes. I couldn't breathe. I just looked at her
Laying next too me knowing there was nothing I could do. So what. Do I kill him. I already left her real father to die so why not take the next step and kill her fake father.
She reached out and grabbed my neck and pulled my lips back to hers again. She kissed me passionately as her hands trailed over my body. "Just be here with me please." she whispered into my ear and I knew exactly what she wanted. I switched my brain off and used those emotions to show how horrified I was. I could feel it in our touches and kisses. I didn't even know how afraid I should be. Just another moment I will forever look back on and wish I had ran off with her. But I didn't. I waited to long and it ruined both our lives.
I rolled over so that I was on top of her and that's when I stopped to look at her, I pulled our lips apart and ran my fingers over the side of her face. "Tell me what to do Bell. Tell me how to fix it." my voice sounded so distressed and broken but she just looked up at me with this dream like look in her eyes and she slowly shook her head wiping the hair from my eyes as I hovered over her.
"Come here." she whispered so lightly I barely heard pulling my head to her chest. She held me the way I used to hold her when she couldn't sleep. She ran her fingers through my hair and down my back trying to soothe me but it did no good. I couldn't hold the tears back or stop the shaking , I just held her tighter and let the pain rush in.
I just remember feeling like my arms and legs were being ripped out. We were so tightly in tangled that it felt like we might finally merge together. But it was the police officers with Billy screaming at me behind them. It was too dark too see much of anything but I saw her. Her pearl white skin glowed in the moonlight and as they pulled us apart she dragged me closer to kiss me with everything she had, one last time.
That was the night, the last night I saw her. I'm not proud of the reasons that led to me being seperated from her for three years, they were my mistakes that I knew she would of had to have paid for and knowing that made everything worse.
It was time to go home. Carlisle said we done everything we said we would and now it was time to go home where we belong. Jasper stayed behind with Alice and her grandmother and said he would come back when he and Alice finish school. Emmett who had less then a year left until he finished high school was happy to come home. So the four of us walked back into town like we never left.
The first night we got there was like having concrete lifted of my shoulders, there was no question in my mind what I was here for. I stood on the front porch after we finished bringing in the last of the boxes.
"You know what your doing?." I turned to see my father standing behind me.
"You don't have to worry dad. I'm not a kid anymore. I know what I'm doing."
He nodded and turned to go back inside. I smiled and closed my eyes taking it all back in. The smell of the Forrest and flowers and the fact that I knew she was close once again. I looked around one last time before taking off into the woods. I ran and ran as fast as I could. The feeling of freedom was invigorating after what I had been through it was exactly what I needed to remind me of my life that I used to have. I don't know why I ran there, it was like gravity pulled me there and when I arrived in the familiar yard I could of laughed. Finally I could do everything I had promised her. I could finally fix it, no matter what it took.
I ran my fingers over the old wood on the house and remembered doing the same thing when I was a kid with her by my side. I looked over to see the old create pushed up under the kitchen window, the same place bell and I used to put it to peak in. I took one wrong step that led to me knocking the old trash can over and that was it. I heard movement in the house and thought maybe i had spooked a animal that was inside, but before I could question it she came falling out of the sky hitting he head on a pot plant on the way to the ground.
There was that second where the world stopped. After three years she was just laying there.
"Bell, Are you OK." I ran over yelling falling to my knees by her side. My fathers voice was in my head screaming not to move her. I didn't know if I should get help or stay with her and in amongst all of the hysteria I couldn't stop staring at her. She took my breathe away. I could see her forehead scrunch and her eyes slowly opened to look at me. I had played this moment over and over in my head but I never thought she would look so different....and unconscious.
"C'mon Bell please wake up, your really starting to freak me out."
As if she heard me her big brown eyes snapped open and locked with mine hovering over her. I don't know what I expected really. I just didn't expect this. She looked into my eyes and in that moment our whole lives could of just been snapped back into position, I actually thought it would be that easy, can you believe I thought that. I wanted to kiss her more then I ever had in my life, I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and apologise over and over for taking so long to get home to her and beg her for forgiveness. But she just starred at me blankly and I just didn't think about it and slowly reached out my shaking hand to touch her face that I missed so much and then I saw it.
The way she looked at me.
She was so angry, sad and confused and for the first time in my life she pulled back from me, scrounging to get away from me as fast as possible.
I raised my hands so she knew i wasn't going to hurt her and wondered if maybe she didn't recognise me. It all seemed to happen so fast, and I had no idea how to react to the way she looked at me in the dirt on my knees.
"What are you doing here." I felt my eyes well up at her words. She knew it was me, guilt ran through me hitting me every where it could to make this pain worse if possible. How dare I just come back here after three years and expect her to just be waiting for me, part of me expected her to still be that little girl I left by the cliff edge.
"I came back for you Bell." did she understand that I never forgot her, that she was my everything and all. She just looked at me like she could see me for what I was and it broke me in a hundred ways. She hated me and with right, I left her here alone to rot but there was this piece of me that truly believed she knew that I loved her and I wouldn't be gone for any longer then I needed to be, as soon as I could i would crawl back to her if I had to.
"Bell just stop, talk to me." but my begging did no good. She had stopped listening to me and there was no getting through to her. She sped off down the driveway on a motorbike and with in seconds she was gone and I was left standing on the old dirt drive way wondering what it was that just happend.
I took the walk home slowly and breathed in the Forrest air trying to imagine what it was that I needed to do to fix it like I always promised. I wasn't ten years old anymore, I had become what Bell used to always dread, what I knew I would be with out her.
I stopped at the tree that stood in our front yard and pulled out the mobile phone Xavier had given me awhile ago, I waited while it rang to hear my friends familiar voice on the other end.
"Hey Eddy, Broken any noses yet. What about collar bones." smart ass. I laughed and shook my head at him.
"Why are you calling me. I thought you would be drunk on Swan loving right now."
"So did I, there's a problem I didn't expect."
"What's the problem. Your there, she's there. I mean it's fucking perfect."
"I think she might be angry at me, I can't blame her. It's been three years."
"Yeah but it's Swan, she'll forgive you. Maybe you just freaked her out. How did she look the first second you saw her."
"Yeah we'll if your going to go jumping into girls windows while there sleeping Ed you got to expect a bit of anger" I laughed at his comment and explained what happened and for some reason he didn't sound to surprised.
"She didn't exactly see you coming, maybe she just needs time to adjust."
"I don't know, she looked at me like.... I don't know, I'm just freaked out I guess."
"It's Bell. Seriously Cullen. This will all work out."
"Oh yeah , what if she's with someone else." I tried to crush his confidence with reality but I should of known better.
"It's been three years, she probably does have someone else. But it's not going to matter man, trust me. I mean fuck. It's Bell Swan, you went back there to fix it right. Maybe there's more to fix then you think."
after talking to Xavier I realised I had to look at this from a completely different frame of mind and if he was right, if she was someone else's girl then I would just have to wait until she was mine again, because I knew she belonged with me, I've known all my life so nothing will get in the way off that.
I arrived back home to find Dad standing out side starring up at the roof of the house.
"What are you looking at." I asked as i walked up next to his side with out him knowing. He jumped and grabbed his chest gasping from shock but a smile emerged from his face.
"Well before you gave me a heat attract I was just looking to see if there was something on the roof. I heard a noise." he laughed and shook it off, waving his hand.
"Anyways, how was your walk." he asked lightly sitting on the porch steps and patting the spot next to him.
"I saw her." I whispered, still in shock that it was actually her.
"What. You were gone for like less then an hour how did you get to the reservation."
I shook my head and braced his shoulder.
"No dad. I went to Charlie's house and she fell out of the kitchen window."
"Wow. How did she look." he asked with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open.
"Mostly she just looked angry but....Dad she's like....all grown up and gorgeous.You guys are going to freak out when you see her."
"Edward how do you know that she's going to be at school tomorrow when you get there. Maybe you should just start next week with Emmett." I smiled and patted his back.
"I just know dad. Stop worrying OK, I promise, this place won't send me mad. I'm going to be fine." I laughed to myself for a second and shook my head at where we were sitting right now and how it might as well be the front seat of a roller-coaster that's just staring up, but I didn't have the heart to tell him.
I stood in the quad at school the next day searching the crowd for her. I waited in the same spot hoping I would see her first so she didn't run off on me again.
Then there was the moment when the roller coaster started.
I saw her and my heart stopped. I just wanted her to see me so badly and not run in terror from me, I just needed to show her I could wash away the pain if she would just forgive me for my mistakes. She paused in her tracks and starred directly at me and I looked into her eyes praying for a chance. Just one.
She looked like she was going to cry but still she started to walk towards me and I felt like I had been turned to stone and only now did this life matter again. I tried to take a step in her direction to start filling the space as fast as possible but then for no reason I could see a bunch of girls went charging past her, and one knocked her elbow into bell throwing her into the ground and intern covering her in mud. The other kids swarmed around laughing and then I was ready to kill them all, how could this be happening. I fought through the crowd to get to her but she was running back through the doors as fast as she could. She took one last look back and locked eyes with me before disappearing down the hallway, by the time I got to the hall way she was gone. I stood at the end of the empty hallway and closed my eyes, trying to breathe. To just breathe.
I'm not going to say I'm proud of the person I have become. But its like Xavier says 'Who we are is a result and most of the time it seems nessacery to be what we are to survive.' I believed that, I didn't like what I was but I knew in the end I wouldn't get anywhere if I wasn't like this. I wouldn't be able to change the way this game is being played. I walked back through the quad to see her chemistry book lying in the mud I picked it up and looked around to see if I could spot the girls that knocked her over but they were out of sight. It felt like everyone's eyes were on me like I was entertainment on feet but I wasn't actually doing anything worth watching.
I took her book and walked over to the car park to get back in my car. I clutched the steering wheel and then started pounding it over and over with my fists before finally smashing my head into it and then breathing into it as if it would take back leaving her for three years and letting this shit happen. I mean she had like thirty people standing around just pointing and laughing. The bell rang and interrupted me trying to cool down I grabbed my phone out of my glove box and made a quick call to Emmette to ask for a favour while running to find my first class. I snapped the phone closed just as I arrived at the class room doors and made my way in.
She sat in the last seat by the window all alone but surrounded by other children pointing and laughing at her. She was going through her bag pulling out every book she had and then checking again. Her pants and jacket were covered in wet patches were she had obviously had to scrub the mud off. She sat not looking at one of them as if after all these years she was still completely uneffected by there crap. It was still Bell sitting there. I walked straight down to her frantically going through her things and placed her book on the table and slid it across so that it was in front of her.
She looked up at me and she was that nine year old girl who used to sit with me every day, I wanted to grab a hold of her and run. To take her home finally. It was time now, she was old enough for this to end.
Instead I sat next to her and reached out putting my fingers over her hand.
"You ok Bell." I whispered lightly but she didn't answer, she just starred ahead ignoring me which just made me more worried. "Bell are you hurt." I couldn't help myself and just reached with my closest hand taking both of her tiny shaking hands in mine that covered both of hers like a blanket as they sat on the table clutched together in a way I couldn't stand to see. Her brown eyes seemed to be screaming at me and then they anxiously darted from me across the room to the table next to me. The teacher continued to yell out the page of the text book that we were meant to be working from but I couldn't help but continue to examine her as she tore away from my eye contact and looked away from me a new rush a shame seem to cover her face as she pulled away from my grasps.
I looked over to her starring at the cover of her closed book and reached over flicking it too the right page and scanned it to find where the teacher was reading from. That was when I saw it. She looked at me for just a second, flashing me her heart stopping smile. It wasn't until then that I remembered doing that exact thing when I was younger and she would start to day dream in class.
I opened my book in front of my but leaned back in my seat putting my arm around her resting on the back of her chair. I could not looking at her and I knew that she would of felt my eyes on her the whole time. I could hear them whispering and pointing and could not understand how this could of happened. But I knew how, I wasn't here to protect her, Mike had some kind of infatuation with Bell since she was a kid and i dreaded to think of how his obsession may have escalated.
The bell finally rang and the class emptied quickly but neither of us mover as if we had an unspoken agreement to talk now. But i watched out of the corner of my eye to see Mike starring at Bell with a look that made me want to rip his throat out but didn't show it. I could tell by his smirk that he didn't recognize me but if he continued to look at her like that he would soon be reminded. I tried to make a joke about mike being her ex but it seemed to go right over her head and all I could see was shame.
I parked the car in the driveway and gave in, my hands clutching the steering wheel refused to loosen and I pressed my face to it firmly again for the second time today.
I tried to focus and think clearly but all I could keep thinking is that I was fucked. I had been in therapy long enough to know what a repressed memory is, I might as well be digging at concrete with a spoon. There are reasons you push things out and make your self Forget. You do it to protect yourself , your heart from being broken again or your mind remembering how it was your heart got broken. I don't think it always has to be bad things you push away, sometimes you make yourself loose the good memory's as well because you can't believe that you can't get any of it back, or understand why it was taken away, it's a complete self preservation thing that had become necessary and I feared she had spent years building these walls that's foundation was stronger than me and any fight I had to put up.
The passenger side door opened but I just couldn't move. "Hey Edward. how was school." Emmettt asked over cheerfully.
"It was great." I replied with my face still pressed firmly to the wheel.
"You punch anyone." he asked joking but curious at the same time. I feel back into my seat laughing at him while rubbing my hands over my face.
"Well I'm guessing what I've got to tell you won't come as much off shock then." I relaxed back in my seat and looked over at him. "Probably not.".
He nodded and collected his thoughts for a moment before taking a deep breath.
"I done what you asked and talked to everyone that I could and it's shitty. She started back there a few years ago like you said and ever since then Mike , Jessica and the rest of them made her life Hell. They throw shit at her, play tricks on her, spread all these bullshit rumors about her. I mean Mike's told everyone he's....seeing her. But people have only ever seen him harassing her and I got that list you wanted" my mind raced thinking of a hundred horrible things. A hundred different ways to destroy them.
"There's more Edward," more what else could there possibly be for her, but that was obvious I guess.
"One of the girls I used to hang out with was friends with Leah and a few other people around la Push, there were a lot of rumors going around but nothing's citrin....just get her out of there man, anything you need I'll do it. Just bring her home brother.
I could close my eyes right now and smash
my face into the rocky drive way because i knew i should never of listened to anyone for a second who said she was safe.
After the night on the cliff I made Carlisle and Esme call the Police and Children's Services over and over but even they promised she was safe with her current family. Imagine knowing someone you love more then anything is in danger and your tied down so you can't reach her, and they wonder why you go insane.
After a family dinner and a long conversation explaining that I will be fine to my parents, I could finally go to bed. Well I could pretend I was anyway.
I flipped the phone open and dialed Xavier's number.
"OK Ive got stage one of the plan worked out. I just need a but of help."
"Great the old Edward is back. Like always man, you name it you got it. Let's rectify this situation and get you two back too your old selves again,..finally."
"Xave this might take awhile."
"Edward everything is going to seem fast after the last three years. Anything you need for how ever long......, so stop worrying and spill, what do you need"
"Marcus and his friend who's good with a spray can, a couple of liters of white paint oh and is Marcus still seeing that girl?"
"Yeah the Bolivia's , what do you need those crazy kids for?."
"Girl problem I can't Handel myself. Nothing to extreme... I just want to scare someone."
"Hey im not judging, that bitch will kill if you ask. Meet them on the highway in an hour and remember to have fun no matter what your doing Edward. Keep it light when you can and the load won't seem so heavy when it hits."
I stood on the side of the highway that was only lit by the moon, waiting for the black jeep that I heard long before I saw. The sound of the heavy metal music tore through the quiet town like a jagged knife and couldn't help but feel bad for all I was asking from these people. I mean I hadn't seen Marcus in years and only knew about his friend and girlfriend from stories that Xavier's had been telling me over the last few years.
The jeep skidded to a stop and the back passenger door swung open to three hysterically laughing metal heads dressed in leather and covered with tattoos and piercings.
Marcus sat in the drivers seat with his window suddenly flying down, he looked me up and down and smiled.
"Jeez Eddy. You got fucking big., Get in man its cold as shit out there."
Marcus sped off down the street while they all screamed the German lyrics to the remstien songs in synchronicity that blasted out of the various speakers plastered through the car.
"So Edward, this is my fabulous girlfriend Raven, and this is her brother Makin. Raven turned from the front passenger seat to lean over and shake my hand. Raven was stunningly beautiful. Her long black hair was covered in different coloured streaks , and it puffed out to make her look like some kind of evil fairy. She had a mass of star tattoo's that ran from behind her neck under her hair and down her back. All the metal and ink seemed to disappear when you looked into her kind eyes. Her brother Makin who sat next to me ruffled my hair while I shook hands with his sister. Raven started to take her seat belt off and climb into the backseat between Makin and I.
"Swap with me brother." she said laughing as Makin grabbed her wrist swinging her like a doll into the seat he was in while he jumped in front.
"So, Edward. What did you need me for?" she asked almost cheerfully with an obvious charge hidden behind her words.
"There's these girls, they bother Bell and I just want to get them to leave her alone. Nothing to extreme, I just want to..."
"You want me to beat the shit out of them?"
"No, no hitting. Just ya know."
"I think I can handle it, but are you sure you don't want me to slap them around a bit?."
I loved these people, I mean I'm sure Xavier was paying them but I wondered if they would do it for free. They constantly laughed and played with each other, they looked like they could pass for murders and they had the sweetest kind of love.
Raven turned back to smile for a second while she made her way to the group of girls that were hanging around outside the cinema. I can't be sure what she said but at one point she had Jessica up against a wall holding a fist full of her hair before whispering something in her ear and turning to strut back to the car.
"What a fucking bitch. I so should of hit that little dog. You tell me if she ever does anything again Edward, I would live to beat the crap out of her."
Marcus laughed at Raven and her rage while he tore off again, this time in the direction of the school.
It kind of seemed dumb, not that any of them said a word about it. They just made the best of it and had an awesome time.
Marcus lifted raven up so she could pull herself into the only open window we could find in the whole school, then we both pushed Makin through so we could pass all the supplies through.
"Alright, let's do this shit. Speed anyone?" Marcus announced as the three of them gathered together in the hallway. It took them about ten minutes of snorting before they were ready and I desperately wanted to have some but I knew if Xavier found out he, Raven skipped over to my side holding the small sachet that was packed with white powder while Marcus and Makin walked off ahead babbling.
"Do you want some." she asked sweetly. I looked ahead at Marcus and Makin turning the corner of the hallway.
"I won't tell them or Xavier. You don't look like the drug addict type anyway, I think you can handle it, it's just a rush. Like life, you can handle it right." Ravens eyes seem to speak with her mouth and she was unknowingly seductive. I smiled and put my hand out and she took it in hers, sprinkling it over my hand. I looked around but raven and I were completely alone so I leaned into my hand and snorted the powder.
Instantly I felt a surge of adrenalin, it was over powering and amazing, my body felt as if it was pulsing with my heart. Like I could feel every pump of blood my heart circulated. I looked at Raven and burst in to laughter "Holy shit." I managed to get out through the laughter. She smiled widly showing all her teeth. "Let's go have some fun Cullen. She took my hand and we ran off after Makin and Marcus. We found them in the boys bathroom lighting candles and laying out thick white sheets on the ground, they seemed to be so caught up in their conversation that they didn't realise we had been left behind. Raven went over to Marcus and started to get the rollers ready. While Makin walked over to the main wall at the end of the bathroom. It was covered in horrible crap about Bell. Disgusting jokes and names for her written everywhere.
"This all about your girl" he asked quietly while Raven pulled out a small stereo and music started to play behind us. I nodded pissed off and scared to start talking because he would see that I was chewing the side of my mouth off.
"Your fuck-in tweaked." he said as he burst into laughter, "Jesus Rave, why. Xavier's gonna kill us." Marcus said hitting raven in the arm but she smiled and shook her head.
"Lay off, no one will tell Xavier, Edward just wanted a taste.Besides,
I'm not his fucking baby sitter."
"Well your not anymore." Makin said still laughing.
From there on out it was almost a blur of laughing and taking our chances to get each other with the paint brush. Marcus , raven and I spent all our time painting the walls white, creating a canvas for Makin. After we done all the major spots white for Makin we laid back and waited for Makin to finish. "Well, you've snorted ecstasy based speed, so how about a joint. It will help with the jitters." Marcus held the joint out and my shaking hands took it anxiously.
"One night with Rave and your a drug addict." Marcus said as he leaned over to light me up.
"I've been pretty heavily medicated for awhile, it's nice to have things sped up again." I said as I inhaled the pot deeply, spreading its invigoration through my limbs.Marcus nodded and looked through the room. "Kids can be ass holes." he said leaning up against the wall. "Have they always been like this too her, I mean some of that shit was pretty harsh."
"No. I used to protect her from all of this." I said waving my arm at the now blank wall.
"But I did something and left her here without thinking it could come back to bite her." Raven layed across Marcus, both of them staring at me waiting for me to continue. "I think I hurt Mikes pride a bit when I was younger. She's the only thing I ever,.. loved....He knew that.... I broke his arm and fractured his collarbone for talking shit about her, then I just left and she had to deal with it. Just another thing I made a mess off." Raven leaned forward and held out the joint with the hint of a smile but not thread of judgement.
"Edward I can tell you feel stupid doing all this. Like a bit of paint can change anything, but it's righteous. There's nothing wrong with dedicating yourself to loving something and standing by it. You do what you gotta do little man." I had forgotten until then that I used to love Marcus. Suddenly all I could think off was being thirteen and behind the wheel of his jeep while he taught me how to drive, only now could I see that he was despretly trying to get me to loosen up and maybe have some fun.
Makin yelled from the boys restroom for raven to help him. She reached into Marcus's shirt pocket and retrieved another joint and lit it up jumping to her feet and running through the swinging door.
Marcus watched every step she took until she was out of eye sight then he look over at me again.
"She likes you." he said with a smile
"No she's a bitch to almost everyone, but she likes you."
"She know about...." because of the drugs I almost blurted out the only thing I could never talk about but Marcus looked at me knowingly.
"She knows bits and pieces. She's not really one to pry, she's cool like that.
She knows Xave and I were worried about you Eddy, you were such a good kid and I really thought we lost you."
I didn't want to think about the last few years, it only brought on more guilt.
"You guys have got to see this" ravens voice and laughter radiated from the restrooms and Marcus and I ran in too see what was so funny, which took about two seconds after walking in. It was awesome. It's was nothing I could ever of imagined. The colours looked beautiful and In amongst the art was horrible shit about mike and Jessica and everyone else on the list that I gave to Makin, He tuned to me and tapped my shoulder pointing at the door. We left raven and Marcus falling over each other laughing and followed Makin into the girls rest room was even better Jessica's name and horrible cartoons of her plastered the walls but my favorite part was on the end wall of the restroom that was the main place to find the worst shit about Bell, and I hated the thought of her walking in here to see all that shit every day but now when she looked she would see a massive gorgeous white swan with a gold crown on her head and her wings spread out splashing in the water that was swirls of blue flying up into the star filled sky. It was perfect and it said something to her.
"Your a fuckin artist." was all I could say to Makin who stood by me with his headphones hanging around his neck shaking his head.
"This is from you, your emotions. They radiate from you." I looked at him almost embarrassed.
"Hey man, I get it. I don't have a girl friend but I've got two sisters who I love more then life and I couldn't imagine seeing some of this shit. But this, this is how you see her right. Xavier said to you she was this free beautiful girl who you loved. That she was your stars and moon. A princess"
I didn't have words surprisingly seeing how fucked up I was, I just nodded and shook his hand. This was definitely a start, I didn't feel stupid anymore because I could never of imagined it could look like this.
I walked through the quad looking for her but I couldn't see her anywhere. I wondered towards the the arts department to the photography class that I took hoping Bell would be in it and noticed a bag sitting on one of the tables and saw that the light was on showing someone was in the dark room, it wasn't bells bag on the table but I thought maybe she could still be in there. I got closer to the door and hear her scared cry come from inside. I opened the door to find him pushing her up against the wall holding her wrists above her head. I ran at him and wanted more then anything to just snap his neck. I grabbed him and slammed him up in to the wall and took a hold of his throat squeezing it tighter and tighter. He was so horrified and I got off on it, I asked him if he wanted a repeat of our childhood and then watching him match the dots up and realise who I am. It gave me back something I had lost, the realization that I could more then Handel this. I launched my knee into him and let him drop to the ground.
I would Handel this.
But not here.
I ran over to her still sitting on the bench up against the wall shaking uncontrollable so much that I thought she could shatter.
I assured her this would end that I could make it better and walked her through the school waiting like I used to. Waiting for the next ass hole but by the time I showed her the restrooms that I may of succeeded in atleast showing her i meant business.
By Friday I was more then settled in. I did all of the normal school crap that mum and dad loved and I got to protect her for eight hours of the day, and could keep my head level enough to except that was going to have to do right now. I woke in the morning and ran down my old familiar staircase to the kitchen where my mother sat. Dad had already left for work and Emmett was still fast asleep.She had a fresh cup of coffee waiting for me, finally excepting it was the only thing that would kick start me in the morning, even though since we returned it seemed unnecessary. "Good morning sweet heart." she said kissing my forehead when I sat on the bench.
"Do you think you might see her again today." she asked leaning over the bench to me with the warming smile I loved.
"I see her every day. We're like, how we were. Soon...well hopes not lost anyway." I stopped and decided not to get her hopes up but I saw the excitement suddenly leave her eyes and I felt bad for taking that small piece of sweetness she had in her eyes.
"Maybe you should drive me." I said quickly then getting up straight away to get my keys throwing them to her.
"What, Why?" she said confused catching my keys.
"She gets to school early....." her mouth dropped and she almost looked nervous.
"You wanna see her don't you." she smiled and we both ran out to my car and I watched my mother drive way too fast to get me to school.
We got there at the perfect time, I pointed to the spot to park in so we would see her pull up with Jacob. Esme looked at me while we waited and i could see the anxiousness in her eyes.
"Do you want to see her, it might help her remember." I asked reaching over and taking her hand and make her smile again but she just shook he head.
"No, No. I don't think that's best I just wanted too see what she looks like, she said scanning the student walking in that could be her but I watched as the big truck tore down the street and pulled up.
"There mum. Over there near that red truck." I looked over at mum to see if she spotted her but I knew she had when I noticed eyes welling up. She watched as Bell walked slowly up the pathway looking around for me holding on to one of the straps of her bag.
"She's looking for you." it wasn't a question, more like she was sweetly stating the fact that made her heart swell.
"She's just beautiful." she laughed at her words, shocked as much as I was when I saw how different she looked. Like we all kind of half expected her to freeze in time.
"Go, go over to her, call if you need and I'll pick you up after school., now go, go." I laughed at her rushing me and jumped out of the car and ran over to Bell who had her back to me searching the quad for me. I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned with a huge smile and wrapped her arms around my neck for a small moment before leaning into me and starting to walk towards the front doors of the school. I walked up the steps and held the door open. She walked in ahead of me and I looked over to the car park to see Esme sitting back smiling at me, leaning back into the head rest, I waved at her and I could see that she looked pretty happy and that was enough to make me happy too, even though this day meant to be horrible. I took every chance I got through out the day to tell her no matter what she needed I would I would make it happen, that of she needed me I would be there in minutes no matter what time or circumstances but she just looked into my eyes smiling like Esme did last I saw her. My phone rang at lunch and I looked to see it was Xavier, I looked over and watched Bell like a hawk while she waited in the lunch line to get her usual salad and juice.
"Hey Eddy hows school." he always sounded like a smart ass when he talked about school. Like he thought it was hilarious that I bothered.
"Worth it." I said calmly watching Bell laugh with the elderly lunch lady over something.
"So what's on for your week end."
"I don't know. Just hang around I guess."
"Hang around the woods by yourself you mean." he knew me better then I'd like to admit.
"No way Edward, listen Marcus said you had fun with them the other night. So they'll pick you up tonight same place at eight and ill meet up with you guys later on."
This didn't seem like it was up for debate so i just gave in.
"Fine. See you later."
"Have fun Eddy." and that didn't seem like it was up for debate either. I snapped the phone closed while she sat down with her tray.
"I know you said your not hungry but I got you an apple just in case." I smiled at the shiny red apple she held out
"Im serious Bell anything at all." I pleaded with her but she just leaned on the classroom table daydreaming into my eyes with that fucking smile that killed me.
"It's gonna be OK Eddy, I can see that now. ill survive two days. Ill see you on Monday."
The bell rang for the end of school and I looked over at her not wanting to move, not wanting to start the walk to the car park that would leave me without her again.
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- 09 Aug 12
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