Edward and Bella are born and raised together, There life is sheltered and untouched by horror until tragedy strikes killing Bella's father in a horrible accident and everything they had is taken from them and Edward is driven insane trying to get back to her. and what they once had. All Human Twilight FanFic
(This story deals with Abuse , Drug use & Suicide, Please be prepared for this.)
1. Loosing all I had
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I look back and replay everything over and over. Trying to understand how loving someone could lead to all this. Why did she ever think I was strong , even for a minute. I spend alot of time just trying to figure that out. Because it was almost as if my weakness was invisible to her.
Or maybe she just never wanted to except that im no hero.
Contentment is what people spend a life time looking for, and I was lucky enough to achieved it right after my of life started.
I was born only a few months before my best friend.
The person who I felt the biggest connection to ever. I've never had a moment in my life where I didn't want her, I've never known what it's like to not need her. To most people that would probably sound beautiful and romantic but it's been a knife in my heart since I was Nine years old.
I lived on the outskirts of Forks with my parents Esme and Carlisle , and my two older brothers Emmett and Jasper.We were a close family and I loved my two big brothers who I can honestly say would do anything for me,But my favorite person on this earth has always been Isabella Marie Swam...My Bell,
I remember my childhood as being perfect with her. It was a fairytale.
She lived a short walk away from me so it was rare we were apart. We spent every available minute together. I would wake before sunrise some mornings to her tapping on my bedroom window.
Bell had never been a good sleeper, and even though she got in trouble all the time off Charlie for sneaking out before he or the sun gets up, she never stopped. She would always just giggle everything off with Charlie. Even when I saw him try to be serious with her, they would both just end up smiling at each-other. It was kind of adorable. Well she is adorable and just impossible to be mad at.
Our first day off school we walked in hand in hand.
I decided to be strong for Bell that day. Even though I remember that I was horrified.
She was quiet and reserved. Not like other kids our age, that couldn't sit still for a minute.
You could look in her eyes and see that her head was in the clouds.
That she was unaffected by the harshness of the world. The result of growing up in a family that spoiled her rotten and indulged any fantasy. The teachers always snapped there fingers at her because she would always be looking out the window , with the look in her eyes that you see on birds in cages. The kids all laughed at her all the time , especially when the teachers pointed her out in class. Once she even dozed off and when I tried to lightly wake her , she was stunned and fell out of her chair and onto the ground infront of everyone.
No matter what I did I coudnt change it.
She had Easy Target written all over her.
I don't remember ever not wanting to protect her from the assholes of the world. It proved hard, if not impossible when we started school.
From day one it seemed like other kids went out of there way to be cruel to her.
Tripping her over while she was carrying books.
Throwing things at her ,calling her names, it slowly turned bell into an anxious mess. I hated that.
I had watched her stand on cliff edges and be completely confident but as soon as we would walk through the schools front doors she would shake like a leaf. Waiting for the next asshole drove her silently mad while and me too.
Eventually it would happen and the chain of events would start.
When this did happen a different part of my brain would take over. I can't really explain it. I honestly could not control myself. If I ever saw anyone try to hurt her I would simply walk over punch them straight in the face.
James was one of her main enemy's.
He was out to get her from day one. It started out as one of those 'he's just being mean cause he likes you things' but by the time we were seven it was just obvious that James was just a horrible little shit of a kid.
I was waiting at our table for Bella to get her lunch from her locker.
I saw her walk into the crowded lunchroom with her head down looking through her bag for something when Victoria, Jame's's best friend knocked into her with her elbow, swinging her around so that she wasn't facing me anymore, while James snuck up behind her and stuck a sign on her back.
I was already with in inches of her by the time James started to giggle to himself about his cruel jokes.
I reached over and pulled the sign of her back scrunching it up in my hand not bothering to read it. Bell turned around just in time to see me punch James in the face. He laid on the ground, crying and holding his nose. I looked at Bell, she was stunned but not all to surprised.
It wasn't the first punch I threw for her and it definitely would not be the last. She looked down at him and then back at me raising her eyebrow at me. I was in trouble.
"my hand slipped" I laughed throwing my hands up on front of me.
She grinned back at me shaking her head.
"I was going for a high five..Seriously" I laughed out defending myself while she dragged me through the lunchroom door
"high five hey" she replied looking back down at him again before closing the door, then looking back to me.
"with a closed fist" she said putting her hands on her hips, but before I could answer she wrapped her fingers into mine dragging me away once again from the scene of the crime.
"seriously, I don't have many friends. I forgot how" she didn't stop to listen, she just kept pulling me outside.
"You forgot how to high five, So what, next time you get into a fight are you going to high five his face?" I laughed at her comment but she didn't, she was pissed of.
She never let them know that they got to her, like they got to me. The difference between us that I showed it. I just couldn't help myself.
In no other area of my life was my temper brought to the surface. But when it came to Bell I was totally insane.
As soon as I saw someone try to hurt her or put a bump in her road I would see red and loose it.
This anger issue did not exactly give me the best reputation. But I really could of cared less. Bell hated it. She always told me to let it go and except what is.
But that would have to be Over my dead body and that's exactly what I would tell her.
My parents and Charlie always tried to pull me in line, with Bell always at there sides, with her hands on her hips, looking all angry.I couldn't help but smile on the inside at her every time she got like this.
When we wernt at school everything was perfect. There were a million little things that made us special , things people could never understand.
We had discovered the world together. Every birthday ,Christmas's and thanksgiving all of it was with her. We learnt to swim and ride bikes together, everything was with her.
When I was ten we lost everything.
It came out of no where.
It was only a few months until Bells tenth birthday. I already had everything organized for her party in the meadow, it would be all pink and sweet. Pin the tale on the donkey and crap like that. Anything to make her smile, to make her as happy as I could. Because even at that age I knew how important that day was. With out it I wouldn't have her.
There were no signs
The day my world would forever change started like any other.
I woke at around 2am to my window sliding open. Every now and then I would hear this noise but never worried about it.
I'd just move to the left side of the bed and hold the blanket up until I would feel Bells tiny freezing body crawl in next to me. She said she had horrible dreams of loosing me on these nights.
So she would run through the dark scary Forrest to my house.
I didn't get how that wasn't more terrifying to her.
She would always be gone before I woke, running back through the Forrest as the sun rose with the huge white wolf that always showed up to escort her home.
I could only imagine how beautiful she would of looked running through the thick fog in the meadow in her white babydoll night gowns, she always looked like an angel in. Too see that would of been something to hang onto. Too see her free like that.
I promised her as we fell back to sleep in my bed that I would meet her by the new tire swing Carlisle made us.
I awoke in empty bed like every other day but I could still smell her sweet scent of vanilla and cherries lingering in the air and all over her side of the bed.
I got up and and got dressed as fast as I could and started to make my way downstairs. As soon as I opened my door I could see Jasper and Emmett wrestling on the ground in the hall. I jumped over them and ran down the stairs.
"Morning kiddo" Carlisle stood by the backdoor still wearing scrubs from working as a doctor at the hospital.
"Dad" I said a little to surprised.
I wondered if he'd seen Bell running home through the back meadow.
He laughed at my guilty expression as I stood frozen for a second.
"what's happening son" he chuckled as he walked over patting me on the head as he passed. He was used to me looking like I had been up to no good.
"nothing" I yelled out so he could hear me in the kitchen because I had no intention to follow.
I could see he was exhausted from the night shift he'd just finished so I decided to take the opportunity to flee.
"well I gotta go, I promised Bell" I said as I started to walk for the back door but as i started to twist the handle I heard him from the kitchen.
"She's fast" he said, I froze and turned to look at him leaning up against the bench in the kitchen. Staring at me while he sipped his coffee. 'Dam it' . I smiled cheekily at him.
"she sure is" I answered with a smile as I decided to make a run for it.
"Where talking about this tonight Edward"
I heard his voice echo out as I ran through the meadow to where she would surly be waiting.
I ran into the Forrest towards the river. When I approached the swing I paused in my tracks. I couldn't see her anywhere.
I looked around but suddenly I was knocked off my feet. I looked over as I lay on my back next to her.
She giggled hysterically before resting her head on my chest to catch her breath. I smiled at the embrace on the Forrest floor.
"busted...hey" she whispered. She must of seen Carlisle was home this morning.
"he says your fast" I chuckeled trying to lighten the mood.
She lifted her head and angled her self to look at me.
She faintly smiled at me.
"yeah I'm like the wind" she said rolling her eyes.
I peeked down at her looking up at me.
I could tell she had more on her mind then just getting busted by Carlisle, we both knew our parents well enough to no that as far as discipline went...well they kind of sucked at it.
"what's up Bell" I asked. She lifted up sitting and staring deep into my eyes. I knew this look all to well. What ever she had dreamt of last night had stayed with her. I knew that it had something to do with me, because she always ended up in my bed when I was in her nightmares.
"there just dreams" Bell answered casually,she knew what I was getting at.
I smiled her favorite crooked smile at her and leaned over and kissed her lightly on the cheek and then moved my lips slowly to her ear "that's right..just bad dreams. Nothing bad will happen, I won't let it" I whispered. I didn't realise at the time how big a promise I was making, maybe too big a promise for a ten year old to make.
I looked back at her face to see her still blushing from the kiss but all the worry in her eyes had disappeared and her sweet gorgeous smile returned.
I got up on my feet and put my hand out to help her up, she it when I did that.
I walked her over to the swing and helped her up. We swung together for the longest time. Just talking. I could sit and talk to her forever. The way her mind and heart worked made me adore her more and more.
She told me how someday we would go to New York City and other wonderful places that she dreamed of and do all of these exciting things.
New York was probably her favourite of the fantasies. She loved the idea of a town that never slept. She told me over and over how big everything looked in the pictures, how everything was lit up.
Unlike Forks, after seven thirty the entire town would shut down until the only glimmer left came from the street lights.
She knew there was so much out there just waiting for her, a whole world of excitement and adventure. Just waiting.
Her dreams scared me a little some times , I wondered if her mother had the same ones , and thats why she left. The longing to be free from everything ,even the family she built. Because I was different, I could of sat right here in this Forrest forever with out a second thought.
As long as I had her, I honestly didn't care were I was.
Suddenly our conversation was interrupted by the echo of barking followed by a long howl. We both smiled and lept to our feet running in the direction of the sound and Bells house. It was Scout.
When Bell turned five Charlie gave her a beautiful white Wolf pup that he got from his old partner and one of his best friends Malcolm who had four of them last time I saw him.
Bell named her puppy Scout instantly. When Charlie asked why Scout, she simply answered "Because it's her name".
Bell and Scout loved each other to death. It was obvious Scout adored Bell, how she played with her even when it started to become obvious Scout had out grown them before Bell. She and Bell would snuggle up every night to watch tv together, Scout loved watching tv with Bell. She would often watch black and white movies so she knew they were seeing the same thing. As much as they loved each other , It was obvious that Scouts love for Charlie was much like Bells. Completely and utterly unconditional.
Scout would wait for Charlie on the porch to get home from work each day. We would know when Charlie was on his way because Scout would always howl when he sensed his return. Scout would always know he was coming long before he got there. She would be by his side every chance she got. She was smart and she had this almost zen about her. I would look into her eyes and then see the way she looked at Bell and Charlie and it was almost like she thought she was Human maybe or maybe she looked at us as her pack to protect. She would always look over us playing in the Forrest, she wouldn't make it obvious but we would catch her watching us from a far, making sure we were OK.
She and I decided to go back to her house for lunch, By the sounds of Scout we would catch Charlie on his break plus we wanted to avoid Carlisle and the lecture for a few more hours. I chased her through the meadow to the Forrest that would lead us to her home. She really was fast. There was no way to catch her , it was one of those moments when the world disappeared and all that was left was the sound her laugh made as it echoed through the the huge old trees. I'll never forget how she looked that day. Not as long as I live.
She was free and alive and right in that moment she was mine.
The creamy coloured fluffy fairy dress she was wearing had patches of dirt and grass stains from us playing in the meadow. I stopped in her backyard. I had to drop down to my knees panting, trying to catch my breath.
"Eddie" She yelled over her shoulder , When she realized I wasn't behind her . I leaded up slightly to see her running back to me. I smiled widely at her approaching me.
"Hey, Did you want me to get you some water" I shook my head and reached out to hold her hand, I still couldn't talk so I just smiled again at her and shook my head.
"You should of told me to slow down" she said.I would Never. I loved to watch her run so fast she looked as if she may fly.
She sat down next to me for and looked over at the driveway waiting for me to catch my breath. We could see Charlies police cruiser sitting there.
"do you think he's spoken to Carlisle?" she said looking the direction of her house.
I shook my head.
"he'll wait till you get picked up this afternoon I think" I was sure Carlisle would want to talk to Charlie more about the reasons behind her feeling the need to crawl into bed with me in the middle of the night. It was a conversation I'm sure he wouldn't want to disturb Charlie with at work.
Our families were always close. Esme and Renee, Bells mum; we very close. I've seen photos of them all together and happy. There were other photos I had come across of her and Esme pregnant with us. One of my favorites was a picture of them pressing there huge bellies together and laughing. It was my and bells first photo together, taken right here in this backyard. but she never wanted to see it. She never looked at any photos of her mother. She always told me they would get in her head. Make her crazy.
I think she just didnt want to wonder why she was abandond by the person who was ment to love her the most.When ever I tried to show hew pictures of her mother just to see the unremarkable resemblence but she would always say "why would I want to look at pictures of someone I don't know when I have hundreds of pictures of people I love" wich was true. Esme was crazy with cameras. bell , my brothers and I grew up in Esmes spot light. The loving bright photos of days that would only be dreams of a life I once had.
We walked up the stairs to go into Bells room after we convinced Charlie to make us hot-dogs for lunch and on the way passing the large shot gun leaned up against the front door.
"are you and Charlie going hunting?"
She shook her head.
"No. He's taking Scout and going with Sam Uley on Friday, didn't Carlisle tell you I'm sleeping over. Esme said she would watch snow white with me"
I was happy she wasn't going with Charlie hunting. Bell never went out hunting animals on the trips. She would just stay at the cabin with Sam Uleys wife and daughter Leah.
Charlie took bell for other reasons.
He was constantly trying to teach her about gun safety and what they were for. The damage they could do. Because he was a cop and a hunter there were always guns around.
Originally Charlie never wanted bell to have anything to do with guns. Until Bell was one years old.
I heard my parents and Charlie talking about when Bells mum left them and Charlie was a wreck. Esme cared for bell as much as she could to give charlie a chance to adjust or as i heard my father say 'drink himself with in an inch of his life'.
But one day Charlie had finished work and left his gun holster hanging on the stool at the breakfast bench in the kitchen. He sat in the lounge room in his chair staring at bell crawling around on the ground. He would only look after her if he knew he would be sober, Carlisle credited him on that
through out the conversation. But Charlie said that the drinking wasn't the problem. His head simply wasn't in the game.
He was going through the motions.
Not really paying attention to bell. He wasn't putting her first, he couldn't pay attention to anything but his own grief.
He admitted that particular day he didn't even notice bell leave the room. She crawled out while he was deep in thought. He looked around the room for her in a sudden panic. He ran into the kitchen to find bell holding his gun, she sat on the ground playing with it looking right down the barrel. Charlie plied the gun from bells hands and stared at her for hours. he couldn't believe he had just left his gun hanging there. He never imagined he could do something so stupid.
Carlisle told him over and over that the safty was on and it was just an accident. But Charlie said he would never forgive himself. He knew how many children died playing with there patents guns.
How horrible accident like that could of led to....
So he wanted to make sure Bell knew everything about guns. She could pull one apart and put it back together. She also knew to never touch them. Bell was extremely responsible with them and that's why when there was a home invasion in port Angela's, Charlie decided to teach her how to fire one, he became more and more horrified that something could happen, he desperately wanted her to be able to protect herself, and that's why my princess bell is secretly a hectic gun girl.
Charlie and I starred at eachother for a few seconds raising our eyebrows at eachother and finishing off the hot dogs he had made us for lunch as bell went on and on about the movie they were going to see tonight.
"it has Unicorns! I love unicorns!" she almost screamed while looking at the ad for the movie in the newspaper.
I tried not to laugh at the thought of Charlie having to sit through the whole pretty ,pink crap bell always watched.
She started to tell us about how she heard there was allot of singing and dancing in it and the princess finds the unicorn....blah blah blah but I looked at Charlie to see he was almost horrified at the description of the movie. I smiled cheekily at him raising my eye brows at him when I heard about the unicorn and the princess's grand adventure.
He looked at me and gave me an almost evil grin.
"I feel so rude" he spoke over bells excitement, I started to shake my head at him, he wouldn't dare....would he?
"I forgot all about Edward, we'd love you to come son. I'm sure you'll enjoy it" he smiled at me knowingly.
My mouth was hanging open.
That sneaky son of a.....
"yes yes yes. Please Edward come with us. It will be so much fun. Were going for dinner first and..."
I couldn't even listen to her. I just stared at him.
"Trader" I finally whispered to him across the table when I came to my senses , while bell was still frantically squirming but he just laughed to himself and dropped his hand to his side patting Scout who was sitting by his side. He knew better then anyone how weak I was when it came to bell. I'd do anything.
Just to see her smile, I dread to think of limits I would go to.
I would even watch movie based on a god dam horse with a fucking horn.
Charlie waved and laughed as he pulled out of the driveway. I gave him a dirty look and shook my head but stopped quickly when bell looked back at me after waving goodbye.
We turned at the same time and ran back into the Forrest when the cruiser disappeared down the road.
With out a word we ran to our usual spot. I followed her up the steep rocky hill in the Forrest that led to the clearing. This was our spot. No one ever found us here but we could always find each other here, the only one who knew about our spot was Scout. Scout would run with us in the afternoons through The lush grass and wild flowers that filled the meadow were beautiful and I knew she loved it here for more then just the peace, it was out of a fairytale and just on the edge of the clearing was a cliff edge over looking the ocean. It was the most horrifying drop i had ever seen and always gave me vertigo but i got over it. She loved the view and this was were we came to watch the sun set.
I could see bell standing on the cliff edge. I sat just a few feet away. She was way too close for my liking but she always looked so comfortable day dreaming as she looked over the edge.
"Bell" I almost whispered, not wanting to startle her while she is so close to death.
She turned slowly looking at me.
"we should go, I mean Charlie will be" I paused staring into her eyes. The worry that filled her eyes and left her looking as though she had a sixty year old women stuck inside her. She would never talk to anyone in full about what was going on inside her head. Charlie always thought she told me everything but I knew her soul was full of secrets that she may never reveal to anyone. I wanted her to tell me why she sometimes looked like she could cry forever,
Why she looked caged in unless she was running free through the Forrest or standing on the edge of death. She reminded me of a bird longing to be free'd, but I could never figure out what or who was keeping her prisoner.
She slowly walked the lining of the edge towards me. There are no words for my nervousness watching her with in inches of her own death. She was so calm and graceful, for some reason when she stood up here her whole energy changed. She changed. It was like she was a million years old with a million secrets. If only she would look at the pictures of her mother to see the same longing that her own eyes held. Maybe it would make things worse for her. I think she liked to think of her mother as a faceless monster, instead of women who simply couldn't find the place that made her feel whole, and because of that she left her daughter feeling the same way.
Scout sat beside me watching her and i could almost feel her heart pound in sync with mine waiting for her to slip.
Every second that followed her walking towards me from the cliff edge was like some kind of movie. So many parts of it... I just want to, rewind and stop and fast foward but I can't. I can't stop her from leading me home and can't stop myself from following. Why didn't I just keep her there for the night. We could all still be together.
"Eddie. Bell. Get home you two"
Esme's voice chimed through the air. We ran faster and faster hoping she wouldn't figure out how far off we wondered.
We ran into the field that surrounded my house. I could see Esme standing on the back porch. She had left to see an old friend a few days ago and this was the first bell and I had seen her since she left. Bell ran faster and faster with Scout beside her. Esme goggled at the sight of the three of us. I could see she was happy to see us both. But I could also see how wide her smile got when bell got closer to her. Esme walked down the stairs and leaned down with her arms open to catch bell in. She jumped into her arms and Esme pulled her off the ground, I quite happily settled for hugging her side. She held us both close and led us inside, Like always I turned to watch Scout running back to the their house to wait for Charlie to finish work. Like she was a babysitter just dropping us off.
I was tackled down by Jasper and Emmette when I walked through the front door she shook her head and stepped over us with bell still in her arms.
They walked into the kitchen where Carlisle was, sitting her on the high bench. Bell was so happy to see Esme that she didn't realize she was being surrounded.
They stood doating over her. Playing with her curls and wiping the dirt from her snow white cheeks. She swung her feet playfully. Until Carlisle started to talk to her about her running through the Forrest in the middle of the night.
"it's dangerous Bell, what if you got hurt"
"if something's bothering you sweet heat you can tell us."
"Your father is so worried, we just wants you to talk to us"
Esme and Carlisle kept going and going. But bell just sat staring at Esme with a small hint of a smile only I would notice. The soft loving looks that flowed between them always made me feel humble. They belonged to her just as much as they did to my brothers and I. They had raised her and knew her inside and out as much as Charlie did. Carlisle rubbed her back while he leaned next to her.
I walked in quietly but bell still noticed me. I winked at her. We both knew this was just..love.
Carlisle saw her looking in my direction. He straightened up and looked over at me.
"do have some light to shed on this"
Carlisle knew that even if I knew that it wouldn't make any difference. Never once had I betrayed her. I kept all her secrets.
I looked up at them standing over me. Bell smiled waiting my response , raising her eyebrow cheekily. Just then before I could answer Charlie walked in behind them setting his hat down on the bench. Bell turned back to see Charlie and then sunk down looking back at me. I hadn't thought they would be this convinced she could hurt herself. But they did have a tendency to overreact when it came to bells safety. She was there princess.
"Well son, speak up" Charlie announced breaking the silence. Everyone stared at me.
"she just...likes..to..........run" it was lame , but it was all I could think of.
"I do" she nodded in agreement "and where else would I run too" she sounded so god dam adorable.
They explained to us over and over how we needed to be more responsible. How we can't just assume there is no danger in the Forrest. Bad things could happen. I didn't see how true there words really were.
It didn't last too long once they could see that they were just repeating themselves.
"Alright then you two outside. I'll be out in a minute" Charlie raised his hand waving it towards the back door. Esme picked bell up off the bench and held her close for a few seconds, then she kissed her on the cheek and put her on her feet. We scattered out the backdoor leaving them to talk.
Everything was normal. We went to the usual restaurant that we always went too. We ordered the same thing we always ordered. Then we walked to the movie cinema and watched the incredible horrible movie.
Bell laughed her head off the whole way through. She sat between us and every now and then I would catch Charlie giving me almost apologetic smiles.
Everything was normal. We had done this a hundred times.
I remember being in the backseat of charlies truck with bell. We were laughing about a camping trip we all went on last year, While bell and I tried to convince him we go again in the school holidays.
We came to a small hill and just as we went over it came another car straight at us.
There was no time to react.
Charlie tried to swerve out of it's path but the car collided with his side.
Her horrified scream was deafening, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.
Everything went black.
Suddenly I couldn't breathe. I woke to feel the seat belt stangeling me. We were upside down. I panicked tying tro get the belt of. I could smell smoke and petrol and bell wasnt moving.
"Eddie!" I looked up to see Charlie in front of me looking back.
I couldn't breathe or talk. I was crying in panic and almost yelling my breaths.
"LISTEN TO ME SON" Charlie yelled but he was calm. He tried desperately to get my attention. I screamed at him frantically to get me out. Pleading and pleading with him. His eyes filled with tears as he reached out to me. I reached out and grabbed his hand and when I did I saw why his eyes were filled with sorrow.
He couldn't get out. I could see when I looked over that the car was crushed around him. I couldn't speak for a second.
"CHARLIE" I screamed hysterically. I needed him to save us. I couldn't move and she just hung there limp making weak moaning noises.
"EDWARD CULLEN LISTEN TO ME BOY" he yelled and I stooped talking but the sobs continued to erupt from my chest.
"Now son I need you to try to unbuckle your seat belt. Just try to stay calm Eddie everything is going to be OK" he tried desperately to calm me. I tried to undo it but then in frustration started to hit it. I wondered why charlie didn't stop me but then I dropped down to the roof of the car. I immediately went for bell. I held her awkwardly around her chest so she didn't drop when I got her free. She was so light in my arms. I looked her over. She was injured but breathing. I tried to wake her but Charlies sad voice stopped me.
"I want you to get her out of the car son. Now. And get off the road" he was crying and looking at his daughter in my arms. I didn't understand. He was telling me to leave him here. I shook my head furiously at him.
"What about you" I cried.
"I love you Edward, like a son. our family.Your parents, have saved us, they made sure my little girl had everything. When I couldn't". His pained cries began breaking through the strong voice I had always depended on. I tried to get to him but his hand that reached out to me held me in place while I trembled in shock.
"Shes precious to me. She's my princess don't let her forget that please, Tell her how much I love her, Tell her I'm so sorry I'm going to miss everything." I cried uncontrollable at his words that he barley managed to sob out as he stared at his daughter, but his words were interrupted by light filling the crushed truck and his sadness and love disappeared and all I could hear was terror and panic.
"GO EDDIE NOW. OUT THE WINDOW."
I looked at him not understanding what was happening shaking my head hysterically, not wanting to leave him.
"NOW EDDIE GO" his voice roared with fear and it filled me and I followed his instructions blindly , I pulled her out of her open window feeling my leg cut on the broken glass on the way out and then I ran her off the road to the grass it all seemed a blur, with in seconds of a car speeding over the hill. Before I could move or scream the car collided with the remains of Charlies. I remember the crashing noise being so loud that it sounded like an explosion...Then I couldn't hear a sound but a high pitched ringing.
I stood with her held tightly to my body , I was completely frozen. I could feel the blood streaming down my face, hitting my lips warmly as it passed. I looked up to the sky to force the stream to run away from my eyes and when doing so saw the stars.
It felt like I mearly blinked, like I barely took a breath and the entire world changed.
We had everything.
I desperately tried to blink my eyes open. My adrenalin kicked in before anything else. I tried to pull out the wires that ran into my veins holding me down. I couldn't believe my hands were empty when it seemed like only a moment ago they held her with every bit of strength I had. I screamed Charlies name till it hurt, like I thought I still had time to save him.
"Edward baby, Shh its OK"
I looked over to see my mothers tear soaked eyes looking back at me. She was trying desperately to hold me still and sooth me but all I could think of was her. I reached out and squeezed my mother tightly.
"Where are they!" I demanded through her wiping the tears from my face. I could feel my heart pounding until it hurt my chest.
"sweet heat she's OK...calm down baby. Carlisle is with her baby, she's not alone"
The knowledge that she wasn't alone made my hysteria fade slightly. But still my mother wouldn't let me go. She held me down and continually tried to calm me and stop my panting and tears that seemed out of my control. The fluorescent lights made it hard to look around the room but I knew we weren't alone. I looked over and I could faintly see the blurry vision of a police officer outside the room. It hit me what had happened.She only said bell was OK, I froze and looked back into Esme's eyes.
In the second it took me to clearly look into her eyes I could see more then before. I saw that her eyes were full of grief and sorrow. He was dead.
I didn't need her to tell me.
I felt numb. I layed down and stared at the ceiling. I could feel the tears and sweat drenching my face. But I couldn't move. My mothers voice sounded suddenly very far away. I laid for what felt like hours. I didn't move an inch. Even when Carlisle came in I didn't react. I waited until dark when they stepped out to go the bathroom and get more coffee. As soon as I heard the click of the door closing I sat upright.
I knew she was only two doors down. I wanted to do the only thing I knew would make her feel safe. I fled the room after ripping the wires and cords from my body. I snuck into her quiet room after waiting a few seconds for a nurse to leave. She was awake but very groggy. She didn't say anything when I walked over and neither did I. I crawled up onto the bed next to her and cuddled up next to her. It took only seconds and what ever they gave her kicked in and she fell asleep squeezing me tightly to her fragile bandaged body, it didn't take them long to find me in there but it was long enough for her to fall asleep next to me like any other night she was afraid.
After three days in the hospital they finally released us. Naturally we brought bell home with us. Seeing as she was ours.
Carlisle tried on three occasions to convince me to tell him about the accident.He told me that they found us almost a mile from the accident, that I carried her into my arms trying to get help.He said that I was conscience until the ambulance arrived and started to treat her. I told him that I didn't remember anything, so there was nothing to talk about. It wasn't a complete lie. I had no memory after looking at the stars and trying to detour the blood from my eyes.
I knew he didn't believe me, I knew it was written all over my face that I was lying, but I didn't care, I wouldn't budge. What should I say? 'I left him to die dad'. Everyone couldnt understand how we survived. They all assumed we were in the car when the second car hit, no one knew what I did. If Bell ever wanted to hear the story I would tell her. But I knew that day would never come.
Bell didn't want to leave the bed once we got home, she didn't talk or move she just layed there starring out the window watching the branch hit the window. I layed with her for the first two days straight just rubbing her back and playing with her hair. I told her over and over that I loved her and that I would protect her. But after two days of laying there I suddenly realised there was something I had to do, otherwise I wouldn't be able to sleep.
She laid lifeless covered in cutts and scrapes, most I think we're caused with my haste to get her out of the car.
I sat up in the bed and leaned over whispering in her ear.
"Bell, There's something I have to do."
Her head spun to me and her eyes panicked , she reached out and clenched my shirt willing me to stay.
"Ill be right back. Thirty minutes tops, I promise, I just need to do this" I smiled lightly at her letting her know everything was OK. She calmed down and eventually gave me a nod and released my shirt. I got up and slowly got changed. Not realizing how slowly I was healing. There was nothing major but my whole body felt exhausted and crushed. I decided to climb out my window to save trying to explain myself. I was the only one who could do this other then Bell, but I knew she wasn't up to it. I slowly made my way into the Forrest holding my body up with a tight embrace around my stomach. I got close enough to Charlie's house, well as far as I would want to get right now and dropped to the ground.
I knew she was close some how. I just had to wait for her.
"Scout. Here." I yelled out. I knew the horrible truth that she would be staying around the house waiting for Charlie to return. She appeared slowly in the thick woods by the house. I knew Mum or Dad wouldn't be able to get her to come to them, Scout wasn't trained like that. She was trained to protect Bell and I, Bell needed her now more then ever. I stood up and waited for her to walk to my side.
"We have to go to Bell." she sniffed my hand and barked as if to agree before she started to walk with me in the direction of my house.
I could of passed out on the way back but I made it. I lifted the window up and pulled my body slowly into it. Bells head turned to see me and greet me with a weak smile surrounded by fresh tears and red eyes. I pulled my legs and walked slowly over to the bed before collapsing back into my spot next to her. I breathed deeply trying to get my breath back from the trip so I could tell her but my head hit the pillow next to her and I couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to explain myself.
"Scout." I yelled with my last bit of energy and in an instant the big white wolf jumped up through the window with ease and made her way gracefully across the room before leaping in to the bed to lay between us. Bell layed unmoving, almost stunned as her beloved friend made her way to her. She looked at me for long moment thanking me with her eyes before laying down to cry again as she pulled the five year old wolf that already seemed to triple her size making her look like she could cuddle up close enough that the snow white hair would cover her completely, protecting her from what's happened. We layed un disturbed for hour like that, eventually Bell cried herself to sleep and I quickly followed, it wasn't until later that night when I heard the door open and looked over to see dad standing there quietly his face stained like Bells was.
"She came here?" he whispered looking at Scout. I just nodded patting her. I didn't want him to worry about me running around looking for Scout.
"Are you two ok?" he whispered again trying not to wake Bell.
"she'll be ok dad" I answered looking over at her reaching over and holding the hand that rested on Scout between us.
"Tell me if you need anything son." He added before slowly pulling the door closed. I believed then that I could make it OK for her. If I was with her I knew I could make her happy. I just needed a chance to make it right. To make it OK again for her.
Scout and I layed there with her for what could of been forever. Time was lost in her tears and silence. Scout layed completely unmoving unless to nuzzel herself closer to Bell in an attempt to console her. I wondered if when Bell stared into Scouts eyes, that Scout knew he was gone. Like she could feel it know that she could see Bell. She could feel the loss and pain that flooded her.
The funeral and everything seemed like a blur, but at the same time there where moments that stod still in time and the memories will remain statues in my mind until I leave this earth.
I saw the look in her eyes when she placed the rose on the coffin. She hadn't spoken a word since the accident and I didn't expect her too until that look faded.
It was empty and hollow. She didn't cry but lifeless tears spilled out on to her scratched and bruised cheeks as she crushed her fingers around a small journal that held her photos of the life she had lost. I sat with her in the Forrest during the wake that was held at Bell and charlies house.
Bell didn't want them all in his house. Talking about him. Trying to smile at her, when she saw there eyes full of pity for her.
We sat in the kitchen with Esme at first but bell saw Deputy Peterson sit in charlies chair and bell ran out the back door followed instantly by her shadow Scout. I looked at Esme and told her to let me talk to her.
I chased after her but she ran faster and faster through the deep Forrest.
I could hear her crying while she ran. She wouldn't listen to me when I begged for her to stop so I just did my best to keep up with her even though it hurt to run. I could see she was in pain too but she was pushing through it, fighting it. She ran through the meadow but as she started to head for the cliff edge she tripped. I was still so far behind her but the time it took for her to lift her self of the ground gave me time to catch up ,then Scout bark that seemed scared, terrified me.
She ran at the cliff edge with speed and power, as if she planned to dart herself of the edge.
It killed me to catch her but I did.
With in meters of the edge I wrapped my arms around her and threw us into the ground none to gently while Scout stood infrount of her blocking her from the edge.
"what are you thinking Bell!" I growled. I was far to horrified in that moment to be compassionate.
She swung her body trying to get out of my grip on her.
She didn't answer me she just cried and cried. She wanted to die without him. I got it. He was it. For Isabella Marie Swan, as far as blood relatives went, Charlie was the only one who hadn't rejected her.
I noticed her look though the crowd in the funeral. I think she was probably looking for unfamiliar faces. To see if any of her mothers or fathers family would show up. Maybe she thought some one would at least try to claim her. Or maybe she was horrified they would. It was kind of hard to tell.
Maybe she secretly wanted her mother to return, even though we all knew there was no hope of that.
She stopped fighting me after awhile and just let me hold her while the sun set.
I stroked her hair and gently rubbed her back. She relaxed in to me and we watched the sun set. She worried me so much. People just thought it was shock and grief but I knew her heart. It was so much worse then anything they could imagine.
She was almost falling asleep as she layed into me. That's when I realized We had been out for hours and I knew Esme and Carlisle would be worried.
"We gotta go Bell, before they start looking for us"
She nodded and I pulled her up and took her hand. We walked slowly until we approached the steep hill.
Naturally I let her hand go and waited for her to take off but she didn't. She reached out again taking my hand and for the first time ever we walked the whole way home. There was something about watching her walk down that hill. It was like a bird who had her wings clipped, it was dark and depressing. I was losing her. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach.
We got to the spot where we used to split up to go our own homes but now that bell was staying with us i was surprised when she pulled at my hand to go back to her house.
"We gotta get back Bell. We can sneak out later if you" I tried to bargain with her until she opened her free hand and the emptiness of it. It clicked that she must of left her book with her photos in the house when she ran out. Without question I walked into the Forrest with her with Scout walking along side her. When we got to Charlie's house we were walking silently through the backyard when we heard yelling coming from inside the house.
Bell pulled at the sleeve to my jacket and dragged my quickly over under the kitchen window. We pulled over the old crate and stood on it like always when we wanted to peek through the window. That's when we gasped in shock when we saw Carlisle holding Billy Black up against a wall with his fist closed held at Billy's face ready to strike. Billy's wife, Esme and what looked like Charlie's lawyer were all there. It didn't make seance.
Carlisle Slamed mr black into the wall once more before releasing him with a hard slam into the ground. He looked down at him with such rage and disgust, like he wanted him dead. I never knew he could have so much hatred.
"SHE'S NOT A PAY CHECK YOU SON OF A BITCH" he growled standing over billy. Billy pulled himself to his feet and rushed at Carlisle.
"She belongs with us. My people's blood runs through her veins. Her mother will back me up. I'll do what I have too."
I looked at bells expressionless face. Had she heard what billy just scratched through his teeth.
"please you have to reconsider. Please just let me have her, were her family" Esmes sweet voice sounded desperate as she approached Billy's side.
"please. I no every scar and freckle on that baby. I watched her take her first steps..." she stopped and looked at him pleadingly. Lightly touching his arm trying to soften him to see her love and her panic.
"She's everything to us. I don't no why the will said what it did. But it must of been written before Bells mother left because there is no way that" she was almost begging him when he cut her off with a roar "NO! , Now you listen lady I don't care when anything was written. She's not yours understand. I'm grateful that you helped Charlie when he needed it. But he's gone now and We don't need your help, understand me when I say she is coming home with me and my family, to her land."
The disaster before me stunned me It wasn't until I heard Bell breathing heavily next to me. I looked to see her shaking her head.
"bell" I whispered while wrapping my arm around her waist.
"Bell look at me" I whispered more harshly, but she was in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I pulled her chin and made her look at me. Her eyes dragged of them and into mine.
"Bell, it's going to be ok. He won't take you anywhere. I promise, bell"
"The dreams, don't you understand Eddie. This is it.... I'll die without you."
The shock of hearing her sweet voice for the first time in over a week left me motionless while she left my side and ran into the kitchen. I followed her instantly. Everyone stopped yelling as she entered, they stood staring down at her.
She walked over to billy and looked up at him. She was so tiny when she stood next to the scary giant but she was completely fearless.
"Get out" the anger in her voice was painful.
"Listen Isabella , your father wanted" Billy spoke softly and slowly reached out to bells shoulder. But bell yanked her arm back, and stepped back glaring at him.
"Don't you dare. Don't you dare tell me what my father wanted. Your evil, I can see it. I've dreamt about a monster my whole life who would come and take me from my family. And it's you" she whispered though her frustration, grief and now her rage.
"Isabella I'm not a bad person" billy kept his calm voice and knelt down to look bell in the eyes. I walked over and stood infront of her protectively without thinking.
"You heard her. She wants to be with us... Leave" I didn't sound as fearless as bell but I wasn't letting this happen. Bell was right I could see it in his face, he wasn't good. Maybe he was the monster from her dreams. The lawyer left, he seemed upset and looked almost guilty.
Billy stood up again and looked at Carlisle.
"I'm taking her now or I'll get the police" billy was done. He had the right and he knew it. Bell ran up the stairs and before I could leave to follow she returned back down the stairs. Billy and Carlisle continued to argue, before it turned to screaming again and then they were back in each others faces shoving each other. Then billy broke away from him and started coming at me as I stood infront of her, my hands were behind me clutching her while she buried her face into my back and in an instant Scout came running in through the back door where she was waiting and crouched down growling and showing her teeth and with it a horrifying side of her none of us have seen before. He reached out for her but Scout and I leapt at him and I started swinging while Scout grabbed his the leg of his pants ripping into them. He took a hold of me and squeezed my arms but before Carlisle could say a word I heard a noise I had heard before. A sound that will always remind me of her.
"Let go of him now" she spoke very calmly but her voice had a dark edge to it. He released me instantly and stepped back. I looked back to see exactly what I had expected. She held the shiny 44 magnum handgun right at Billy's head.
"Don't think I'm afraid, I've been trained with this exact gun for years and I have no problem pulling the trigger and all I have to so is tell her too and she will rip your throat out" she said evilly with a hint of a smile.
Billy looked over at Esme to see if bell was telling the truth but simply Esme nodded at him.
Bell was lethal.
Charlie often bragged about her aim being better then middle aged police officers he worked with. She never missed and there was no doubt in my mind that, that gun was loaded and she had every intention on killing him, I can't say I expected billy to survive this. I mean, She was pretty pissed off.
She advanced towards him. Holding the gun steady in her hand. "Scout." By the mere mention of her name from bell and scout was back by her side, releasing Billy's jeans.
"Leave" she demanded. She didn't yell. She didn't need too. Billy tried to say something but Bella done something else with the gun that made a nice noise which was quickly followed by billy and his wife's sudden departure. She held the gun in the hand still pointing it as billy slammed the door behind him. Carlisle walked over to her immediately and knelt down in front of her. He wasn't afraid of her for an instant. He put his hand out.
Bell almost smiled but handed it over.
"its loaded isn't it" he said knowingly looking into her big brown eyes. She nodded. Carlisle clicked what I assume was the safety and placed the gun on the coffee table. He looked at her for a long second and opened his arms to her "come here princess" he whispered. She fell into his arms and he lifted her up holding her tiny frame to his chest protectively, Esme walked over to them and rubbed bells back while Carlisle kissed her hair and looked at Esme and she nodded with fresh tears in her eyes. She put her hand out for me, I walked over almost cautiously. She pulled me close to her side.
"The police are coming sweety" she didn't respond she just squeezed him tighter and started screaming and crying hysterically. Carlisle held her close and tried despretly to hold back his tears as his face turned red. Esme pulled her from his arms and held her tightly. Carlisle staired at them intensely but also hopeless. He never cried unless he lost someone he loved like charle, but now our bell.
It didn't take long for the police to get there. I saw them park out the front and I quickly ran into the kitchen and got her photos, the reason we came back. I ran to her in the panic. Esme put her cardigan and Parker on her, while Carlisle put her woollen beanie on and pulled her hair out and fixed it while she looked at him crying.
"Will you be warm enough" she nodded at him trying to be brave and hold back the sobs but she was terrified and Esme and Carlisle made it worse because they looked like there was no hope.
"Esme packed your bag with some clothes and you tooth brush and everything you'll need." she tried to nod again through the tears but Carlisle pulled her into his arms again and she broke down.
"I'll do everything I can to fix this bell. I'm not going to stop until I know you are where your ment to be".
The officer knocked at the door and Carlisle stood up wiping the tears from his face. I put the book into bells hands. She looked at it then at me. "this is how the nightmare starts". I squeezed her to my body with everything I had and she squeezed back. I only remember the screaming, both hers and mine. Then they ripped her from my arms and Esme and Carlisle held me down while they took her from the house kicking and yelling my name through her cries. Scout ran at her looking like she would attack the police officers carrying bell, flashing her huge teeth.
"No Scout." she sobbed out. The police officer relaxed instantly when Scout stopped in her tracks like a statue. "Go to Eddie. Now." she commanded even though it killed her to do. There was no way Scout would be able to ever go near Billy now. Scout might aswell be that loaded gun.
I don't no what it was like that night for her all alone, being dragged off to a house she never been in before with people she didn't no, a week after being in a car crash that killed her father, now this.
I felt sick that I didn't protect her. I should of got the gun and killed him. As soon as we got home I went straight up to my room and turned the lights off and crawled into bed. I laid there all night staring at the ceiling. I let my self believe I could hear her opening my window and climbing in and believe its what caused Scout to jump to her feet five minutes ago, like she knew she was coming , until I felt the bed sink on her side.
I reached up and pulled her to me squeezing my girl to my chest. She had ran at least three miles in the middle of the night to get here.
"did they hear you sneak out?" I whispered through her hair.
"No they were asleep. They shouldn't notice until morning" she sounded exhausted so I started rubbing her back.
"Edward. I don't want to live there. He's loud and he doesn't like me...and he" she sobbed instead of finishing and pushed her face into my neck.
She was scared of him. I felt my insides boil at the thought of her being scared of someone.
He was a stand over.
He wouldn't like her, he would hate people like her. She was free and full of this fire that screamed self confidence. She was smart and sweet and he would want her naive outlook on the world crushed.
He was going to kill the fairytale once and for all.
I rubbed circles on her back and ran my fingers through her curls trying to soothe her to sleep. Even once she feel asleep it did no good for me. I didn't want to close my eyes. I was so scared she would be snatched from my arms again. Even though she'd fallen asleep I kept running my fingers through her hair so even in her dreams she would no I was here and she was safe but without reason Scout that was asleep at the foot of the bed stood to her feet and I became anxious. I heard the door creak open and I pulled her closer and waited to see who it was. The lamp beside my bed flicked on.
Carlisle stood over me shaking his head while he put his hand out to Scout letting her know everything was OK and she dropped back down.
"they'll call the police as soon as they realise that she's gone" he whispered.
"she knows that, but she hates it there" I replied straight away and looked at her again fearing having her ripped from my grasps again.
"besides she needs to sleep" I said softer, cutting my father off before he could speak again.
He leaned down and pulled the blanket up and tucked us in.
"try and get some sleep too son". He flicked the light off and pulled the door quietly behind him. I tried to just enjoy having her here with me. But why should I have too, she belongs here, it's her home.
I didn't sleep I just laid there wanting to take her and run. But there was no where to run too. At around ten to seven Scout started barking and growling at the window and at seven am I heard the knock at the door. Bell had been awake for a few minutes clutching me closer at the sound of Scouts growl knowing what it meant. She didn't say anything she just kissed my cheek and held me close.
Over the next few months the police visits became normal in our house. There was no way to keep us apart, that much became clear.
We did try to get her home legally but the lawyers and courts just seem to give them more rights, they forced her to go to the school on the reservation so we couldn't see her in forks at all and Billy made it clear that if he saw Scout anywhere near his property he would have her put to sleep.
They had found Bells mother, and for a moment we thought we had a chance but it was the complete opposite.
She made sure they got full custody. She was a distant relative of Samantha black, Billy's new wife.
That's what lost the case and her.
The lawyers told Esme and Carlisle that they could take it further but would loose to a blood relative, I heard the lawyers tell them under his breath once, that they were spending thousands and in the end all they were doing was pouring water into a sinking ship.
They managed to assure that all money that has been left to Bell could not be accessed by anyone else but her until she was of age. Billy got money for looking after her and found other ways to profit from Charlie's death and eventually would find out just how much she stood to get once she was eighteen but he settled for scrounging through charlies belongings. Thankfully carlisle bet him too it and put almost everything of bells and charlies in a storage space where it was safe, I helped Carlisle go through bells things to make sure he didn't miss anything.
It killed me to go back to Charlie's house. Everytime I closed my eyes I saw his horrified face, I remembered watching as the car collided with his..while I did nothing. His screams would combine with mine as they woke me every night she wasn't with me, finally I was the one too scared to sleep alone. Dad tried giving me pills to help me sleep and always asked if I wanted to talk to someone, but no one would get it. I didn't want anyone to no what I'd done to her.
It seemed like every day he found a new way to bring it up. It always ended with me telling him to drop it.
I didn't remember anything.
Why was it do hard to believe me.
How many times did I have to tell him before he just believed me.
I complained to bell about how I wished he would back off and just believe me.
Bell said he would believe me when I told the truth.
We tried to shake it up a bit and keep billy guessing on when we would sneak out to find each-other. We had secret spots that we would leave glass jars hidden to put letters for each-other in. One closest to her house was in an hollow spot in an old rotting tree.
I rode there on my bike most afternoons. I knew she was coming to my room tonight, it had been just under a week since she snuck into my bed , even though it was killing her slowly, because she was so anxious and upset she couldn't sleep without me, I knew the feeling.
We had met up for a few hours in the afternoons after school but the last time was days two ago and she looked horrible then, I could tell by the dark irises under her eyes she hadn't slept a wink. She said the blacks were having friends over on Friday night that would make it easier to sneak out and longer to realise she's gone.
I left her notes all the time trying to keep her in good spirits and remember she's not alone.
Today I put a candy necklace into the jar with a photo of our whole family camping. I knew it would make her smile, by this point I would do any sappy thing to make her happy even though the photo made me sick. It fucking hurt to breathe with out her. The world really did stop without her. as a child I could say I had definetly had enough. I wanted the earth to pause and leave us alone.
Every now and then I would find letters telling me to meet her on the cliff edge and always when I would, Scout would always be sitting by her side looking at the view with her while Bells head rested on Scouts.
They looked so lost sitting there together, like they were alone in the world, like Charlie was there way and they lost it. Couldn't they look in her eyes and see what this was doing to her heart. Did they want that flame to burn out for good.
Didn't they care about her at all, was Carlisle right...was she just a pay check. I knew she was worth allot of money. Carlisle said Charlie left her everything, and with his life insurance, savings, stocks and shares, his house and other investments left Bell very comfortable.
I would listen to him and Esme argue late at night when they thought me and my brothers were sleeping.
They were just terrified of the truth.
They had lost her, I could hear the defeat in there voices and I knew it was over they didn't want to keep dragging bell through all the court crap and the further they went the worse it would get, and it would end the same.They knew it too deep down that's the only reason they fought.
Eventually Billy would find a way to keep her away from me and it would be over, no more light.
Some nights, I would hear mum storm of on dad. She would go to there bedroom and dad would end up outside on the front step with a coffee and a pack of cigarettes. Usually he would sleep in his office downstairs and I would worry about my mother, I knew she was in her room alone and sad. But I knew she would feel even worse if I went in to console her. There was a reason they waited until after midnight to fight. They really didn't want us to hear.
Still I would worry about her, so I would wait until I thought she would be asleep and sneak in.
I knew she had been crying, because of the discarded pile of tissues.
I also knew I wouldn't wake her because in amongst her tissue piles would be packets of pills. Id heard dad say something about her taking sleeping pills but I didn't no what the others were for.
It worried me.
But what could I do.
Except take her shoes off and cover her up with a blanket. Lean over and kiss her cheek, remind her that I love her.
I wanted her to be how she used to. But I'm sure she felt the same about me.
I sat on my bed anxiously waiting for her.
My foot tapped the ground over and over and I chewed at my lower lip until I thought It would bleed, constantly pulling at my hair, almost involuntarily. I decided she was taking to long and looked out my window to call Scout. Some nights she would sleep in my room or on the front porch but mostly she would roam the woods, some times I would find her at Charlies in her old spot. I was horrified she might still be waiting for him or maybe that was just her home and she couldn't let it go. I didn't expect her to stay with me all the time, she didn't belong to me.
She ran up to my window after a minute and sat below looking up at me.
"Go find Bell Scout" was all it took and she was off into the darkness. Scout knew where Bell was , she said she often saw Scout watching her from a far but Bell never called for her to come, unless she knew that no one would see her. She loved Scout so much and just the thought of billy hurting Scout terrified her. I almost gave up on her when she finally opened my window , it was well after midnight and I could see straight away she was exhausted.
She huffed lightly as she collapsed into the bed. I felt my whole body relax as she hit the mattress.
I wiped the curls from her face and pulled the blanket back to invite her in.
"What is it Eddie"
I didn't want to ruin any small amount of time we had together, so I tried to smile back at her but she shook her head at me.
"I don't buy it, what's wrong....You no you can't lie to me." She knew I was worried, but I didn't want her to give up hope that mum and dad could still save her.
"I'm just worried about you bell. I don't like you having to run so far alone, anything could happen" she pressed her index finger to my lips then slowly glided her hand to the side of my face trying to calm me. I wasn't lying it did make my stomach turn every night.
"You no I'm safe. Besides we have had this conversation a hundred times over Edward".
And we had.
I nodded and looked down at our intertwined fingers.
"You no I'm faster without your slow ass anyways, plus Scouts alway's out there somewhere watching"
Before I could look at her in shock from her smart ass statement, she started tickling me and wrestling with me on the bed.
I missed being like this with her. We never laughed anymore and I knew it took her allot to let go and be happy, but I also knew she hated to see me upset as much as it killed me to see her sad.
We layed and talked for hours that night about everything and anything. I told her over and over that no matter what I would never let this happen.
That no matter what I would always find a way to get to her.
I said these things over and over, drumming the words and hope behind them into her head.
Sometimes early in the mornings when it was still dark I would wake and realize she wasn't in bed with me. Once I went into the hallway to see if she was just in the bathroom but I could see the light from the kitchen. I snuck around the corner to see in.
Esme sat in her white silk robe with bell at the breakfast bench. Bell was picking at pancakes while she babbled to Esme. I could see the sadness in both there eyes. I could see them, just like the rest of us trying despretly to hang onto something they used to have.
I left the obviously private mother, daughter moment and went back to bed, she crawled back in after an hour or two smelling of maple syrup and berries. I snuggled up to her and didn't say a word or question her, I just layed there awake with her waiting for the knock at the door.
My brothers had broken in at around 6am and the three of us began playing and laughing like we used too.
Bell always fitted in perfectly with my brothers and I.
The three of us layed all over each other watching a movie exhausted from playing when we finally hear the knock.
Esme arrived at the my door only seconds later.
"there here sweet heart" she stood in the doorway while Emmet and jasper kissed her on each cheek sadly and left the room before having to watch her get taken again, but I never left her until I had too. I would watch the officer pick her up take her away and every time we both would cry even though we knew we would find each other again.
Bell had promised to meet me at the cliff edge in the afternoon in two days.
But when I went to the spot she said, she wasn't there. Just Scout sitting alone where Bell should of been looking out over the edge. I looked in other places, but nothing. Then I was afraid that she would show up if I left. So I leaned up against a tree and waited for hours and eventually Scout showed up to wait with me but as it got late into the night it was obvious she was not gonna make it.
I made my long journey home alone slowly with my head hanging, wondering through the Forrest that was stained with memories of the life I once had.
As I approached home I saw a small red flicker.
Carlisle was sitting waiting on the front step waiting for me to get back. He patted the spot next to him and flicked the cigarette, that he usually hid from me away.
"Don't tell your mother" he said with a smile, nodding in the direction of the fading burn of the smoke.
I smiled and sat next to him while he waved the air around him.
"You no its 9.30" he didn't sound angry or sad, infact he sounded kind of clueless.
I had been waiting for this talk for awhile. They used to freak out about Bell running between her house and ours, but now she would run for miles and miles.
"I don't even no what to say too you"
"I'm sorry dad" I quickly apologized but he shook his head.
"no son..., I'm sorry,. I don't no why but he wants her to have no contact with us. She's in his custody now. I don't think it's going to keep being this easy for you too keep seeing her, sooner or later you might have to except that...." he didn't finish, his eyes sadly dropped looking at his feet.
"she wasn't there today. She promised she would be" I said looking at my own feet now.
I knew what he was thinking. I had been gone for seven hours, I had sat alone in the Forrest for seven hours.
"this shouldn't be happening." he was just as hopeless as me. It didn't give me much faith. I reached over and took his hand not knowing what else I could do for him.
"dad I'm worried about her. He can't just cage her in"
He started anxiously babbling. So fast I could barley keep up.
"he can Eddie, as long as we're here it's going to be hard for her, maybe it would be easier for her if we left. The longer we stay here the harder it is going to be for her"
I went from calm to furious in a moment. I snatched my hand back and jumped to my feet in front of him. His head snapped up to look at me and see my blood boil.
"SO WHAT.... ARE WE GOING TO JUST LEAVE HER, FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING. DON'T YOU SEE WE WON'T SURVIVE...I WON'T SURVIVE"
I started to run off in the direction of my room when I head Carlisle calm voice.
"That's what scares me Edward , How much more can you take" he added causing me to pause for a second.
He didn't move or try to stop me. How could he think leaving here was better. Why. Because I would suddenly forget the only friend Ive had since I was born.
I Slammed the door behind me and lost it. No one came in to stop me. I smashed everything in my room until it looked like a bomb had hit it and I collapsed on the mattress that had been tossed on to the ground. I no Esme came in while I was sleeping and took my shoes off and covered me over with a blanket and made sure I was OK, but when I woke and realized that it made me a whole new kind of sad ,that bell was some where alone with no one to tuck her in and kiss her good night.
Imagining her alone just made me so sick, my stomach turned and I layed on the ground wishing not only that I had let her jump of that cliff, but that I had just taken her hand in mine and jumped with her.
Days passed and I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. There were never notes left and no matter how long I waited in the Forrest she never showed.
I laid in bed all day and night when I wasn't waiting for her but I couldn't sleep and when I did I had horrible dreams of not being able to get her seat belt off, or watching her jump of the cliff or I dream of Charlie and wake up guilt ridden.
Carlisle even stopped trying to force me to go to school, he told me over and over that I needed to rest and eat but I just couldn't bring myself to . He watched my every action and reaction. Like he was waiting for me to snap. Everyone did. The quieter I was the more they seemed to worry. I didnt get it. I just wanted to be left alone, If I couldnt have her , I didnt want a distraction from knowing that.
I thought about how I should of dragged him out of that car, even if I had to die saving him. She was so much more important to me than anything and I should of saved her father for her. How could I think of anything else. How could anyone expect me too.
I didn't want anyone to talk to me, I just wanted to lay here until she came back even though as the days turned to weeks it was obvious she might not return.
I would go to the reservation and sneak up to Billy Blacks House, hoping to see her, but I only ever saw Billy. He spent allot of time drinking in his back porch, right next to bells room. It was impossible to get close without him seeing me. So I would settle for at least knowing I was close to her, I would always take Scout with me but never left with her, I would always leave and watch her slowly and gracefully make her way to under Bells window to sleep, she just couldn't bring herself to leave Bell. Even if Bell didn't know she was there.
Carlisle would always be sitting on the step when I got home. Some nights I would talk to him and others I would have to walk past him and leave him sitting there alone, because I just couldn't bare to talk about any of it a moment longer, wishing I was as fast as Scout and could make my way under her window without being noticed.
I laid on the ground where my mattress was still pushed up to the wall from my outburst, I refused to let anyone clean or move a thing. I wanted everything out of place, why shouldn't my room resemble my life. Why should I pretend everything was fine. Just because they waited until the late hours of the night to let it all out in the kitchen while they thought I slept.
As I laid there I heard a knock at my door. I didn't answer or move. I just laid there.
I stared out the window she used to climb through and ached. The door opened and I heard someone come in.
It was Emmett. He often came in and sat with me. He never pressed or questioned, he just sat with me. I felt the mattress sink and then his hand rub my arm lightly.
"Want some company little brother" it wasn't a question, I closed my eyes for a long second but still couldn't bring myself to answer. He leaned with his back up against the wall in silence with me staring out the window.
He stayed with me for hours, well into the night, he often did this. Night of bonding time filled with nothing but hours of silence.
Finally I would let him think I was asleep so he didn't feel bad about leaving.
I imagined her coming through the window in her white nightgown and smiling at me while she pulled the covers back but her ghost always disappeared and left me wishing for her..wish..That one word spun my head suddenly I was panting and sweating.
It was her birthday in three days, her birthday was what my world had revolved around before all of this.
I just wanted her to have a good day. I had prepared so much for it and I wouldn't even be able to....
Before I could really finish the thought I was on my feet getting dressed in my warmest clothes. I stuffed pillows under the blankets to make it look like I was sleeping and packed up my hiking bag and hers plus two others with everything I needed to get us through. It was well past midnight and I couldn't hear anyone awake. No better time then now.
I left a note by my lamp telling them not to worry even though I knew it would do no good and then took off on my bike dumping the bags near our track.
I couldn't think clearly I just acted.
It was a long ride and I can not understand how she could run so far but eventually I made it to the border of the reservation.
I just needed to see her, I kept telling my self that over and over while I'll crept up through the long yard, even if i couldn't get her out I had too see her.
The back yard was full of flowers and thick grass and almost completely empty except for the old garage. An old motor bike leaned up against it with a pile of tools surrounding it.
I waited by its wall crouching near the bike to see if it was safe.
Before making the final sprint from the safety of the garage, I was sweating bullets and wished for her courage more now then ever. The room was black like I had expected and I could only just make out Scout sleeping beneath. Scout looked up at me but barely moved, for which I was grateful I was so nervous about getting caught by Billy that I could barely move with out shaking. I tapped lightly on her window and waited. I could faintly see movement in the room and I prayed I had the right window. My heat stopped and I exhaled a breath that I felt like I had been holding since she last left. She rushed at the window suddenly pressing her hands to the glass crying.
I panicked trying to open the window, but it wouldn't budge. I looked at her tear soaked face and waiting for her to help me.
She stared at me hopelessly rubbing at the glass with her tiny fingers.
"He nailed it shut" her weak whispers broke faintly through the glass.
I examined the window closer to see the nails bending out. I looked around in a panic trying to find something I could use.
"I'll be right back" I said before running back to the garage. I scavenged through the tools until I found the hammer.
Her face lit up at the sight of it, I ran my fingers around the window and pulled out each nail, I started to panic. I didn't want this for her, she was was locked up like an animal.
"Bell, get dressed. Warm. Fast" she nodded through the glass and watched her eyes leave what I was doing and search the ground. She was back at the window before I was finished pulling out the last nail. She shook waiting for me to finish, pressing her palms into the glass watching me desperately. I could feel the tears spilling down my cheeks and my hands shook anxiously. As soon as i plied the last nail out I yanked the window open and crushed her to me pulling her out the window in the process, dragging her legs over the windowsill.
She started to cry almost to loud.
"Shhhhh bell, listen. We need to go now" I tried to talk quietly but it seemed impossible.
I squeezed her hand tightly, and started pulling her with me. She ran alongside me dragging her backpack with her until we reached the bike and were away from the house.Scout stood almost excited by the late night adventure next to Bell nuzzling her and licking her hand. We stopped and looked at each other for a second and let out an almost laugh before pulling each other close again. We quickly decided to dump the bike deep in the Forest.
The moon light lit the Forrest up as we darted through the trees and my adrenalin was pumping wich made it easy to keep up with her, every now and then she would look back and laugh, I couldn't help but not care about the consequences. How could I care about anything when I had finally gotten everything I had wanted. What ever the price I'd pay it.
We reached the bags that I had stashed earlier and I started to load her hiking bag on to her back then mine, I picked up the two remaining bags while she carried the one she brought and we started to walk up the mountain.
"they'll catch us eventually" she sighed, I knew she was right.
"it not the point, it's your birthday soon and your not spending it there, c'mon we better go in case someone realizes were gone." I said lightly.
"You leave a note so Esme doesnt think were dead".
I giggled at her and nodded. I honestly couldn't think of anything except the closeness of Isabella.
I reached out and took her hand and took in the smooth feeling of her skin beneath my fingers. I had missed her so much that I could barely focus on what we were meant to be doing. I wanted to know.
"Bell What happened I mean"
She started shaking her head and biting her lip to hold back tears.
"I don't wanna talk about it right now Eddie, I mean I'm just happy we're together now" she smiled lightly through the pain and rubbed her thumb on the inside of my palm.
"How's school" she asked joyfull obviously trying to change the subject but I caught her eyeing me suspiciously.
"yeah you know, it's school. Its...fine" I lied but she didn't ask any more questions but I caught her eyeing me suspiciously.
"Are jazz and Em OK, It's been so weird not seeing them " I didn't want to tell her how miserable everything was and make her worry but i didn't want to make her think that they weren't falling apart with out her.
"Jazz and Em are ok bell, there good at distracting themselves" wich was the truth.
"are you good at it" she whispered almost to low to hear.
"don't worry about me bell , I'm OK" which was a lie. She looked over at me and smiled at me lightly under the moonlight. She looked like she wanted to say something but didn't.
She just smiled at me again but this time it looked forced. We approached our meadow near the cliff edge but kept walking with out question. We hadn't gone nearly far enough. We knew of sites higher up ones that would be allot harder to find, it would take until morning to get there. Bell said once we got to the stream we would have to separate for a few minutes. Bell was perfect to run away with she had more then a few tricks up her sleeve. She said in case the sheriff brought his dog to find us she needed to think we turned around. She actually hoped it would rain before morning. She told me to go as fast as I could up the steep rocky part of the mountain. The part that looked like it would be stupid to go up. I had to stay on the rocks be careful and fast. It was scary as hell but I did it with out falling and breaking my neck, mostly because Bell made Scout come with me thankfully so i had someone to lean on and I knew every step like the back of my hand. Other wise I'd be right back in hospital. Bell went in direction of the stream instead of away, leaving obvious tracks, she said even if the dog did pull in my direction as well he would be confused and once the officer seen the tracks and that the dog was confused he would take the easier track. She left clues and as much of her scent as she could spread. Then she threw some dirty clothes down down the steam so the would follow it thinking they were right behind us.
I waited in the dark nervously for her wondering what was was taking her. Even though she said she would be a take awhile. She was so stelf in the forest ,it was awesome.
You put the girl in a school around of a bunch of bratty kids she's a nervous wreck but out here it's like she was in her element.
I heard the sound of rocks creaking together and let out a breath.
"I did good" she smiled breathing heavily.
"there's no way they won't follow the stream back" she smiled confidently at her cleverness.
"now what?" I asked as she took her back her bag that I carried over the rocks for her.
"The faster we move the better, we can stop for a breath any time but we need to run as fast and as much as we can"
I nodded and took a breath "OK, let's do it".
She nodded back seriously and took off in front of me. We ran and ran for hours. Stopping for five or ten minutes when ever we needed with Scout always a few feet in front. I couldn't believe we had gotten so far up in just one night. We knew this spot far up where there was a small cave by that bell said we should stay near in case it rained. I didn't mind running like I used to, bell said she was impressed with how much better I'd gotten at not slowing her down, she was still a smart ass. I had been running through the Forest looking for her so much that it made it easier to run with her.
It was almost nine in the morning before we got to the spot after running for over ten hours.
"I'll set the tent up and well get some sleep, what do you think. I don't no about you but I'm totally exhausted after that"
"sounds great. I'll get us something to eat" bell hoped away to go through the bags to unpack what we needed. After we ate and got the bed ready we sat in the tent for a long moment in silence. It was like we both knew when we got under the covers we would both let loose. Up until now it could of just been another camping trip but we couldn't keep pretending. The looks she had been giving me, told me she had been biting her tongue, allot.
she crawled in and I waited for her to get settled before moving. I made sure she was tucked in tightly and then grabbed her woolin beanie and put it on her stroking her hair out of her jacket and off her face. I snuggeled up to her and pulled her to my chest rubbing circles on her back like always and enoyed the calm before the storm.
"warm enough Bell?" I asked when she cuddled up closer, but she just nodded into my chest with a small moan of approval.
"I missed this, it's been so hard to sleep" I could hear the sadness in her voice coming through again like she might cry. I remembered how she looked pressing her palms into the glass of her window, locked up like a prisoner, and I couldn't wait any longer.
"Bell what happened. It's been weeks" I tried to keep my voice calm but I knew she wouldn't buy it.
"Everything just..... I mean. It's why they were so late to pick me up" she stuttered and shook the whole time while she explained how when she got back the last time everything had changed. They had locked the whole house up and watched her like a hawk. I felt horrible that I hadn't attempted to run up there earlier even though she assured me I would not of gotten anywhere near her. Billy was on a fishing trip at the moment, bell said its the only reason we got away. I made the mistake of asking her if she had her photos of her father when I saw a small tear roll off the tip of her nose.
"I have it. I take it everywhere. But..."
"But what....it's ok to miss him Bell" I added. She looked almost angry at the thought of Charlie. It broke my heart a little more.
"I dont even let myself think about dad, Hes gone and he cant save me anymore. But when I no how close you all are and if i was just there with you all it wouldn't hurt so much.That I could sleep. They hate me and I hate them so why am I there?" she spoke softly and defeated and like me completely clueless.
"what do you mean they hate you, what about Sam?".
"Shes nice to me and so is Jacob but, i don't think they want to be around me"
"what makes you think that bell. Anyone who knows you wants to be around you. Your a gorgeous person" I announced but she shook her head
"Sam tried taking me out twice without billy, and I ran off on her, she caught me but it caused more fights between them, Billy will only let me go out to go to school and maybe play in the yard with Jacob, sometimes I want them to fight, just so Sam will send us out to play" she admitted sadly.
"Do they fight allot?" I hated to push her but I knew she hated yelling, I'm sure every kid does but bell had never had to put up with it so I knew it would upset her, probably scare her.
She had never been locked in a room or screamed at or punished for wanting to be with her family.
"I don't think I'll make it there Eddie, locked up in that room, sometimes my chest starts to tighten up when I'm in there, and I get dizzy and freak out and I feel like I'm suffocating. Something's happening to me, I can feel it in my heart" she answered the question in her own way. I dreaded her having to go back there, even though I knew it was inevitable. We were ten, well she almost was, there was no hope for us.
"Bell, I don't no what's going to happen. I'm not going to lie to you. But I promise I won't stop until we're together again. I don't care if it takes years. One day bell, we will be ok again. I fucking swear to god, your everything bell, forever" my words shook at the end, I hoped she could hear my determination and my love.
She lifted herself of my chest and looked at me, deep into my eyes. I lifted my head and looked back at her for the longest time before leaning in closer to me. I could feel my hands shake on her back where they held her and I realised i felt nervous. I didn't no why, it was just my bell. But there was something else in this moment, the feeling was stronger and unfamiliar. She reached up and put her hand on my face so that her fingers could glide lightly over my cheek before cupping it lightly. She breathed heavily and pressed her forehead to mine. She closed her eyes and so did I. She slowly advanced her wet lips to mine. She kissed my top lip and then my bottom slowly and loving, she slowly pulled away and we opened our eyes and looked at each other once more before she pulled me close again so that our heads were pressed together.
"I love you Edward. I love you." she softly and compassionately as I pulled her head to my chest again , my eyes filled with tears and I kissed her hair over and over. "I love you too princess, more then anything" I whispered over her ear. This ache. This heart breaking pain. It was love. I was sure of it, what else could It be. I wanted her. I needed her. Hell I craved her mere presence.
I woke around two to an empty space next to me. My heart accelerated and I stopped breathing trying to open the zipper of the tent to see her crouching over the compact gas stove with Scout laying beside her. She looked over her shoulder at me and smiled.
"Hey sleepy head, want some eggs" she asked ignoring my obvious panic attack. but I knew she saw it in my eyes that I was freaking out.
It was just me and her and Scout in the middle of no where. Perfect. We played and laughed and chased each other laughing. We chased each other right up through the Forrest when we heard the thunder start. I looked over to bell at the sudden sound. She looked back at me with her face lit up.
"quick let's get back and move everything into the cave" she was actually happy that rain was coming.
She knew it brought us at least a few more days. but it was rain.
It was fun in the cave. We lit a small fire and told stories and just had fun. She made me laugh so much I almost cried. I was happy I had packed so much in my hysteria, her birthday supplies were in my bag with her presents. It was wrong but I took the present Esme had put away for her as well. I doubted she would even notice, she brought it so long ago and so much had happened. It was a thick silver chain with a , what i can only guess is a dove pendant...well it had some kind of bird hanging on it. As well as my own gifts that I knew she would love.
Everything was perfect we ran and played in the Forrest and small clearing near our camp site, it was early in the afternoon when we were throwing leaves at eachother and tackling eachother into the piles we made. Everything was great even when it started to rain, she was happy. We ran back to the camp site and moved everything into the small cave.
Bell looked for the marshmallows while I started a small fire. She sat beside me and I covered her lap over with the blanket. She smiled at me. She looked happy. With no weight on her shoulders, just bell. I leaned in and kissed her cheek to make the smile wider, she leaned into my side and I wrapped my arm around her. We stared at the fire all night talking about nothing imparticular. She asked a couple of times about Esme but I didn't ever give her a clear answer. I didn't want to tell her that some days she wouldn't get out of bed, and neither would I, that I'm pretty sure shes medicated now. Bell had enough going on without having to worry about all of us as well. How could it help her.
What do you do when you love someone like this, I'm sure I'm ment to do anything I can to make sure she was safe and sound. I still wanted to talk to her about what Charlie said before he died but she assured me over and over that she wasn't ready to hear it, I wanted her to know his last thoughts were only of her, I was worried she was mad at him, this really was just a big mistake. I hoped she knew it.
I wanted to talk to her so much and I planned to that night when we talked before we went to bed but little did I know she had the same plan.
I could tell she had something she wanted to say. I tucked her in and threw an extra blanket over her to make sure she was warm and crawled in next to her wrapping my arm around her pulling her close like usual, half hoping she would let what ever it was go and maybe just go to sleep for once.
No such luck.
"Why haven't you been going to school"
"And Don't even try lying, you suck at it and besides Leah's little brothers best friend goes to your school and he told me you haven't been going and everyone's saying your sick or...that you've lost your mind"
her voice sunk to a whisper on the last few words.I still hadn't moved. I didn't no what to say. If I knew she was going to find out I wasn't going to school because I was going mad, I would of put in more effort to pretend everything was OK. I was sorry I had made her worry, especially when she couldn't talk to me to see if I was OK.
"You won't give me any straight answers, you think I can't handle it"
I looked down at her and whispered "It's not that Bell"
"Then what" she demanded, she was angry but I knew why, She didn't no if I was OK. How dare I add too her worries.
"I'm so sorry Bell, really I am. I didn't want you to worry, especially after" I trailed off not wanting too say it, knowing she didn't want to hear it.
She knew me better than anyone, she knew me well enough to just pull me close again.
"Are you loosing it Eddie" she whispered lightly not judging but understanding and without knowing why I freaked.
"I'm just not me when I'm not with you...and I don't know how to do this, I don't no how to get up out of that bed every day knowing it , knowing I'm not going to see you" it just came out. She could hear my heart pounding under her cheek. I felt anxious revealing this to her, but I didn't no why.
"Ssshh Eddie, it's ok" I didn't understand why she was trying to calm me at first then I realized my breathing was out of control and my whole body seemed to slightly shake.
"Eddie it's OK, I'm right here" her last words seemed to help allot. I told myself over and over in my head. She's right here. I felt like I was losing control of my emotions, I couldn't hide the shock or grief, it owned me.
"Eddie I didn't mean too..," she took a deep breath and paused for a moment collecting her thoughts before whispering back to me again.
"I don't want you too feel how I feel."
"how do you feel bell" I asked as lightly as I could. Hoping she'd trust me like I did her and tell me how she feels, and no I won't judge it.
"I think I'm sick. I'm so scared of it Eddie, it's like I'm going somewhere I don't want to, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go mad and realise I'm alone" she panicked in moments of starting to talk.
"Bell, I'll follow you into dark, i'd follow you to the end of the earth,I promise. We'll go mad together,your never alone, not really, youll always have me." I promised with passion. I didn't care anymore that I was losing it, 'fuck it' I thought, embrace it and go mad with her.
It was easy to get her party ready, she hadn't moved an inch after falling asleep last night. I tied balloons everywhere, strung up streamers and decorations. I had a container of Esme's cupcakes to replace the cake, I put out bowls of party food and set up games to play, then I got a bag of confetti and little satchels of glitter to scatter everywhere , I even brought my small radio so we could dance if she wanted.
As I finally sat at the small fire preparing the pancake batter. I looked around and I knew she'd love it, it looked like a fairy tale.
It was perfect. I smiled widely at the sight, hoping it would make up for the extra stress i put her under. I got back into the tent and laid next to her. Music played lightly outside the tent. I laid down next to her watching her sleep for a minute. As I watched her I noticed her bag behind her with her photo book sticking out of it. I reached over and pulled it out without thinking. Nothing had changed in the start of the book but then after the photos of Charlie finished I could tell new photos had been added.
I knew she only put the photos in because she missed me and my family so much. But there were so many photos of me. Like she put them in there because she thought I was gone for good.
She gave up.
My eyes welled up and I couldn't stop the feeling as I starred at the photos of us growing up. When suddenly she started to stretch out in her sleeping bag. I tossed the book over her ,back on top of her bag.
Her nose scrunched and slowly she woke smiling.
She looked around from side to side puzzled. "You hear that Eddie".
I smiled and shook my head pulling the tears back before they let loose "Hear what?"
"Music". Her eyes opened wide and she went for the door to the tent. I helped pull her out and up to her feet. I looked at her as she took it in with a loud gasp, I leaned over to her ear and whispered "Happy birthday my Bell".
It was great, We ate junk food , played games and danced through the fairy tale setting, I did everything to make it perfect, I waited until she put the blindfold on, for pin tale on the donkey, then I filled the air with bubbles,
"Am I close Eddie" she slipped of her blindfold when I didn't answer to see she was surrounded by bubbles she looked around in amazement for a moment before walking straight through them to me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tightly "thank you Eddie".
She opened her presents before dinner. I put her necklace around neck knowing we both wished it wasn't me hooking it up. I knew that it would help her when she misses Esme and I guessed by the look on her face that the odd looking bird necklace meant something to her. I gave her the best Polaroid camera I could find...I could tell she loved it by the high pitched scream when she unwrapped it, I got her a few small toys as well but my other big gift was a new thick warm coat. I was always so worried she was cold...it was the only way I knew to keep her warm when she didn't have me to hold her.
We decided to go to sleep early one night and cuddle up and talk.
It sounded like a nice idea. I should of known better.
She eased her way into it again starting of with small chat.
"Will you please start going to school again Eddie"
I didn't answer. Not wanting to lie.
"will you at least try" she questioned my silence.
"No" I simply answered.
She pulled her body from my arms and sat up looking over me.
"why can't you try" she asked frustratedly.
"Bell. I can't" she looked down at me, her eyes searching mine.
"your just going to give up on everything" she almost yelled
"you can talk" I got defensive for no reason and went with it.
"What are you talking about" she asked raising her eyebrows and waving her hands.
"You put photos of me in your book" I accused.
Why did I say it. I internally started kicking my self.
I'm a Selfish asshole.
She sat staring at me.
Not saying a word. Not moving.
I wished I could take it back when I saw the hurt cover her face. But at the same time I wanted an answer.
"You think I let you go!" she snapped.
"NO" she almost yelled cutting me off. "I put those photos in there because I miss you. And every night before I go to sleep I want to see your face, Billy wants me to forget you. And I won't. I stare and stare at those photos of you. Burning you inside of me" she yelled at me now ,shaking and crying. I sat up and pulled her close running my fingers through her hair trying to soothe her.
"I'm sorry Bell, I didn't mean it, I'm just scared"
She nodded into my chest. It was one of the only times she spoke of billy. She always changed the subject or just shake it off. but now I knew there was more too it.
She hated him with a passion and I knew it was more then just him taking her from me. He had hurt her. I could hear it in her voice, I could see it in her movements, but I didn't accept it.
"I can't live without you bell, I'm not strong like you" she almost laughed repeating my last word.
It was overwhelming. I couldn't save her.
I knew her well enough to no I could never get her to tell me everything. She would think she was sparing me, saving me from the truth.
As I laid with her in my arms I heard the crunch of branches on the ground.
Before I could react the door of the tent was ripped open.
She didn't move. It was like the world froze.
She looked up at me and mouthed the words "I love you".
Then just like that she was gone.
I was grabbed my the closest officer when I went after her but they ran off with her and held me back once again.
When I got to the hospital Carlisle and Esme were in the waiting room. They looked horrible. They were pale and there eyes were red and looked sore.
They both looked over and saw me being brought in. They ran at me screaming my name.
I was happy to see them but I couldn't stop searching the hospital looking for her.
After the examination the doctor told me he wanted me to stay the night but that I was fine.
I agreed in the hope I could look for her once it got late enough. The doctor looked over his shoulder.
"Dr Cullen, come in, your son will be fine. I want to keep him for the night, just for observation of course. But everything looks good" carlisle didn't answer he just nodded and the doctor silently left the room.
He stood at the end of my bed staring down at me for the longest time. For the first time he made me incredibly nervous.
I never really thought about his reaction to my leaving. But that was the point.
"What the hell where you thinking" his voice was hard and scared.
"I wasn't...thinking" that was the point. I honestly didn't really think any of it through. I acted purely on impulse.
"Anything could of happened Eddie, what if"
"Stop" I yelled cutting him off. I don't no where my completely out of line emotional outburst came from.
"Don't you dare say 'what if' to me, My entire life revolves around 'WHAT IF'". But the harshness of my words were lost in him. He leaped at me and wrapped his hands around my upper arms, rubbing them soothingly.
"Ssshhhhh son it's ok, your ok"
"No dad, Not without her".
"Things have to change Eddie. You need to tell me what happened that night. What ever it is son you can tell me".
I stubbornly starred him. With my lips pressed firmly together, letting him no I had no intention of talking.
He stared right back into my eyes.
It was like some kind of stand of.
One he would loose.
After a few minutes he sighed and let go of my arms.
"Your brothers are outside, they want to see you before they go home."
I looked away from him while he got up and walked towards the door to get my brothers from the waiting room. Before turning back to me.
"this isnt over Eddie."
I looked up at him determined.
"Your Right. Its not."
He paused in his steps at my words but then carried on out the hallway.
My brothers ran in a minute later and jumped on to my bed excited to see me.
"We missed you" jasper said placing his hand on my shoulder.
We talked for awhile, keeping it light, but I could tell that Emmett was biting his tongue.
"Did you get cold?" jasper asked in his babbling.
"No. We were warm."
He had a million questions. I answered them quickly. So he could keep talking and hold the conversation up.
When he stopped to finally take a breath I decided to ask one of my own questions, seeing as they would be the only people who could help me.
"So. Do you guys no which room bell is in?".
They looked across the bed at each other.
Emmette nodded to jasper. He looked at me with a hint of a smile.
"She's not here Eddie, well...., I'll see you tomorrow" Jasper and Emmett exchanged a quick look before Jasper jumped off the bed and ran out the door. While I watched him I suddenly felt a smack in the back of the head.
"Ouch!...What's your problem Emmette" I demanded rubbing my head.
"What the hell is your problem Edward!. Do you have any idea what you put us through. Dad and Mum might be worried about your feelings, but I think the hell with your feeling seeing as you obviously dont give a shit about there's. Stop this crazy shit and snap out of it. Try thinking about our mother. I love you Eddie. You no I do. But snap out of it."
I sat glaring at him but he just walked out unaffected by the look I was giving him.
I didn't find Bell that night. Carlisle explained she wasn't kept in the hospital for more then an hour or two, before billy took her home, he told me after catching me trying to escape.
When I got home I tried to do what everyone wanted. I ate dinner with my family and went to school. Even though I didn't talk to anyone
Or do anything while I was there.
It didn't matter.
Mum and Everyone else got to watch me and think I was doing OK, and it would eventually get back to Bell . I felt better at the thought of her not worrying about me, which was the only reason I tried at all.
But when I wasn't at school or playing happy family I would sit in the Forrest by her house.
I wondered how much trouble she got in of Billy and prayed she was OK.
Wondered if she would get in trouble if I went to her window again..just to talk.
Every night when I would make my way through the Forrest to go home I would run as fast as I could , until it hurt. And every night I would find Dad sitting on the step sneaking a cigarette from mum.
I knew he was using these times to talk to me. To try to get me to talk to him. But also I sometimes wondered if he also wanted to know if I'd seen her. To see if she was OK.
I sat beside him and reached over and pulled the burnt out cigarette from his fingers , flicking it into the garden.
"How was School" he ask softly.
"Great dad, Schools just.."
"How about with out the sarcasm son" he added cutting me off.
"I hate it. But I can handle it" the words seem to flow out almost emotionless from my mouth.
"It will get easier Eddie, I promise it will ,your just angry. You need to give it time, and talk us...I no your trying, but you cant do it alone son"
I looked at my father. He looked so sad and worried. It made my heart ache to see him like this. So defeated , I could hear it more and more in the tone of his voice and
there were things he wasn't telling me too, I wasn't the only one keeping secrets, I knew that much.
"Do you see her?" he asked curiously almost whispering. I shook my head dropping my head to my knees.
"at least if he had of left her in the school in forks you could still see her everyday" he added frustrated once again with Billy.
I smiled to my self at the obviousness of it.
She went everyday.
I woke early in the morning and got ready for school. Not mine of course, but still.
I told Esme and Carlisle that I wanted to leave early to go for a bike ride before school.
It didn't take me long now to ride to the reservation. I was more than used to the long trip.
I hid in the Thick Forrest surrounding the school at the reservation.
It didn't take long to spot her. She walked alongside a boy who was laughing loudly at something she said. I didn't notice the lady walking behind her until Bell and the boy stopped and turned to face her.
She straightened her hair and done up a button on the boys shirt.
It was Jacob and Sam, and together they all looked like a family.
I felt overwhelming jealously.
I watched as Jacob put his arm around her shoulder and walked her into the school laughing.
Suddenly I was on my feet running to where I had dumped my bike. I wanted to get to school as fast as I could. I wanted to pretend none of it happened.
I saw her and I no shes ok.
I should of been happy. I mean I was happy for her. She looked really happy.
So why did I feel betrayed.
Why did I feel like punching that Jacob right in the face when I saw him put his arm around her.
She's not alone.
I'm happy for her.
I wasn't watching where I was walking when I charged down the school hallways. I was to busy thinking about how 'happy' I am for her when I felt a sudden hit to my arm.
"Watch it Cullen, you Psychopath"
I didn't even take the time to see who he was. After the first couple of hits I realized it was James. It didn't make things better.
He never got a hit in but It didn't stop me, even when he was unconscious on the ground with blood pouring from his nose.
I was yanked off him by a teacher and dragged into one of the conference rooms in the front office.
Esme and Carlisle both came in and were told by the principal I was suspended from school.
Like I cared, he said this was my last chance. One more assault towards a student and I was out.
My parents looked at me in horror. It wasn't
until I got home and saw that I was covered in his blood. It was all over my shirt, face and hands. I sat in my room on the floor staring at them. It seemed so appropriate that my hands be covered in blood.
Like it showed me for what I was.
"Edward" Emmett's voice came from behind me. I turned to find him coming through my door. His huge form dropped next to me.
"You gotta get your head straight brother, you keep losing it like this and they'll lock you up....or worse" he said lightly. But I could tell he was serious.
"I don't care anymore Emmett, they can do what ever they want"
Emmette looked over me and reached out taking my hands from my lap, realizing they were what I was staring at.
He then grabbed a towel and started to wipe the blood off. I just stared at him while he did it. I didn't want him to wipe it off , I wanted him to leave.
But I just couldn't be bothered telling him. He then started wiping my face and pulled my shirt of and put a sweat jumper on my lap.
I put it on and kept staring at him. His eyes held pity.
He cared for me.
He understood me, but pity, never.
My fists shook and my voice raised with frustration and anger.
"Don't look at me like that Em, you no James is a shit head. Why do you care. You think I'm losing it because I beat up James...AGAIN"
"I followed you this morning" he said simply and softly. I froze staring at him, my hands that were in the air slowly dropped to my lap.
"I tried to catch you after...but you ran off to fast by the time I made it back to school you were already in the office" I realized then that I had mistaken the look of pity for concern.
"She lives with them Eddie. You had to no that things would change eventually."
I simply shook my head at words. Because I didn't no that. I never pictured her as anyone else's but mine.
"Happy" I added finishing his sentence.
"She's not replacing you with him Eddie. She loves you. You've got to at least no that"
I looked back down at my hands and focused on them. I knew I'd failed her, my hands that pulled her from that truck but never made it to her father, the man who taught me how to ride a bike and throw a football. They weren't even strong enough to hold on to her when they dragged her away from me over and over after I left him to die. I knew that.
"Edward, you need to think of the good times and stop dwelling on the bad...... and, just let go"
"You want me to let her go" I added upset by the mere thought of the good times. "What, have you been talking to dad about me" I accused harshly.
"No Eddie. I want you to let the past go. I've sat here with you for almost a year, watching you fade further and further into this hole. Let go of what was and except what is. Except that,.... that's just not our life anymore and probably never will be again. I loved her too Eddie, I lost my little sister and a man who was like a father to me and we can't get her or him back. I just don't want to loose my little brother too"
I didn't want to look at him.
He said 'except what is' , that's exactly what she used to always say to me. I would always reply to her 'over my dead body'.
I didn't want to be angry at him but I was. Because he was right. Like she always was.
He pulled my head over to his chest and kissed my hair and said "You gotta deal with this Eddie" before getting up and leaving me alone.
I curled up on my mattress and pulled her pillow close to my chest inhaling deeply searching for any scent that belonged to her. I cursed Carlisle repeatedly in my mind for the 'what if' remark. I don't no why, he didn't mean it like that. But still it played over and over in my mind.
What if I stopped that car before it hit Charlie's
What if I had of got bell out straight away and went back to him.
As I laid there driving myself mad with 'what if's' I heard scratching at my window. Like nails were being dragged along the glass.
She just stood there staring at me, her face was covered in blood. I could see bloody hand prints that covered the windowsill and surrounding wall leading up to where she stood infrount of me.
I couldn't speak to ask her what happened.
I couldn't move or breathe.
She looked like she had been hit by a train.
Her eyes were full of agony and her tiny fists were clenched , even as she leaned down to crawl onto the bed to her usual spot. She looked deeply into my eyes as she moved closer to me.
She was suddenly right next to me, so close I could smell her scent again even covered in blood.
I desperately wanted to reach out and touch her but as soon as my fingers touched her cheek she dropped lifeless and in an instant she was cold and her lips were blue, I shook her over and over screaming and demanding that she wake up, telling her over and over that she wasn't dead.
I woke sweating and screaming. In the dark I couldn't see that what I was clutching was my pillow and not her dead body.
The light was flicked on and My mother pulled me into her arms, squeezing me and running her fingers through my hair.
"Ssshhhhh sweetie, it's just a bad dream , Everythings OK" My mother desperately tried to calm me, but how could she. The damage was done.
The image of her dead, lifeless was just another image to add to my dark photo album in my mind of the things I will never be able to forget. She looked so empty. Her light was gone. How could my brain ever create something so incredibly horrible.
Why would it. Unless I deserved it.
Weeks passed and I heard nothing. I walked a very fine line at school. Known as a violent little psychopath wasn't exactly making me any new friends. I had been back for three days since being suspended for braking James's nose and everyone one avoided me. Not that I cared.
Dad took me downtown to go shopping with him thinking it would help to get me out of the house. I walked along side him up until the entry of the mall when I saw Mike by the door twirling his finger around his ear at me , mouthing 'psycho' at me , Dad was in the middle of a conversation with me and didn't notice me run off and leap on and start laying into him with my fists. He pulled me off him yelling at me as was Mike's father who I hadn't noticed talking to a friend near by. Dad dragged me away as I tried to lunge at him every chance I got , desprete to take my frustration out on him.
I ate lunch outside alone, even though Emmett and Jasper wanted me to sit with them, I didn't. I never went into the lunchroom or anywhere that would be to crowded. I didn't trust myself not to loose it again. I could feel it inside of me boiling. Waiting.
I sat against the building wall having lunch on the far side of the library alone and out of sight. I rarely ate my lunch I mostly just sat and stared at the tree tops. I was starring into the Forrest at Scout she stood looking back on the far hill in the Forrest surrounding the school, I just watched her watching me from a far wondering if Bell sent her to look over me when I heard a voice "Hey, Your Edward right?"
I instantly got defensive "Yeah, What's it to you" I looked away from Scout instantly up to see a lanky boy that looked at least two years older then me but I didn't know which class he was in.
He had a ruffled mess of blonde hair and a group of freckels covering his noise and cheeks.
I could tell my tone had startled him and I felt bad.
"What do you want?" I asked a little nicer this time.
He walked over to me and put his hand out.
"I'm Xavier , I'm friends with Seth, Leah's little brother" before he could finish his sentence I was on my feet shaking his hand.
"Is she OK" I panicked asking him straight away.
"Isabella" , he knew straight away. I nodded at him while he spoke.
"She's fine, she asked me to come and talk to you" the kid looked kind of nervous. I did my best not to look like the school psychopath and smiled at him.
"what did she say" I tried not to sound anxious but it wasn't easy.
"well she told me to do something first, but...You've got to promise you won't break my nose"
"what" I almost yelled waving my arms in excitement. Then Xavier kicked me as hard as he could in the shin. I dropped to the ground rubbing it.
"Please dont punch me. I promised her. And im just as scared of her as I am of you" He was alot stronger then he looked.
I couldn't help but laugh. I sat up and patted the ground next to me. "sit please, it's fine really" I said still laughing. He looked at me for a long moment debating weather or not to believe me, before finally dropping to his knees next to me.
"she wanted me to tell you shes ok and she asked me to give you this" he shuffeled through his bag and finally removed an envolope from it with my name on the frount.
I stared at it in his hand holding the crumpled envelope before my shaky hand reached out for it.
"She's pretty worried about you. She heard you beat the crap out of James, that's what the kick was for. It pissed her off that you got suspended"
Xavier done his bag up and stood up looking down at me.
"If you wanted to write back to her, I could meet you here on Friday and I can give it to her on Saturday when I see her. If you want"
"Yeah that would be great" I said squinting at him through the sun.
"well I'll leave you to read your letter. Nice to meet you Edward" he said as he started to walk off.
"Xavier.." I choked out. He looked back over his shoulder at me. "Thanks. This means allot" I was grateful, he didn't have to do it.
I decided to be extremely nice to him seeing as he was so willing to help me stay sain.
I just looked at the letter before stuffing it in my bag. I couldn't help but watch Xavier walk through the quad to see what class he went to, I watched as he approached Mrs Cleaver's room. It was weird that would mean he was at least a year younger. I walked off wondering if the kid was just big for his age and having every intention of skipping class and going to read my letter but I couldn't bring myself to read it here. Not knowing what emotions it could stir up inside.
All night I sat in my room putting off reading the letter for some reason.
It wasn't until the very late hours when everyone was asleep that Scout jumped through my window to sit on my bed beside me and that's when I finally got the guts to open it.
To my Dearest Edward.
Sorry about the kick, but you deserve it.
I miss you. I've really wanted to talk to you.
I'm OK. Really I am. I'm doing much better.
I'm finally starting to sleep and everything is going well. I'm even liking the school.
The only thing I'm worried about now is you. I no your just freaking out because, you think I'm sad. But really my Eddie I'm fine.
I love and miss you so much Edward.
Please tell my other big brothers how much I love them and Esme and Carlisle of course.
Please write back to me. I need to no your ok. I just want you to be happy so much .
You need to stop trying to fight your way out of this. Its over, All we can do is wait until I can get out of here the right way.
Please write and tell me your OK.
I love you Eddie and I'm sure your reading this in bed so sweet dreams.
I wish I was with you like it used to be.
But we both have to except what is if we ever want to be happy.
I need you to be happy.
Once again I love you.
Just stay away from me.
"Huh" I just dropped the letter and went straight to my window grabbing my bag on the way. I climbed out and moved fast down to the garage grabbing a hammer and put it in my bag "Scout" I whispered waking her but I think she knew where we were going. I didn't bother with the bike. It was quicker for me to go through the Forrest on foot then to go to the roads on a bike. I ran as fast as I could even though the freezing cold air hit me and felt like it burnt through my skin to my bones.
I got to the back of her yard and walked straight through it up to her window. It was like the thought of being caught didn't even occur to me and Scout followed confidentially behind me much more nervous then I was. Because I wasnt thinking.
When we got to her window I didn't knock or anything I just started to pull the nails out and left them on the ground near my hammer. I could see her sitting on the end of her bed with her knees pulled to her chest staring at me through tear soaked eyes.
After I got the three nails out of the windowsill I slid the window up and climbed in dropping the last nail with the rest.
She didn't move. She didn't even seem that shocked. Through her teary red eyes , I could even see amusement. I could see the hesitation in her. She budged slightly but then remained unmoving, as if she thought I was angry about a letter. The one I knew she only wrote because she loved me. When I read that letter it soothed the sting of seeing him with her. I knew she loved me. Enough to care more about me more then herself. Even when She looked horrible. Exhausted and shaken.
I opened my arms to her "come here"
She jumped off the bed and ran the few steps to me.
She collided with me with a hard hit that almost knocked me off my feet. I picked her up and took her the few steps to her bed and layed down with her.
I knew she had just woken from a nightmare and was sitting here alone trying to console herself.
I felt sick, Scout silently jumped through the window behind me and ran to her side.
Suddenly her weak whisper broke through the darkness "Edward, I...I'm"
"Sshhh Bell, get some sleep, it's OK baby really." Nothing I had to say mattered when she looked how she did, she obviously needed a good nights rest. As soon as I started to run my fingers through her hair and pressed my lips to her forehead shushing her to sleep, she was out.
She slept for hours and hours and I just squeezed her close to my body, wishing once again I could absorb her into my veins. Breathing in her scent and rubbing circles on her back like she loved me to do. Only when I was with her was it OK.
Only then could I feel that stretched out elastic of sanity get that chance to relax and slightly recoil.
I was not sure how many hours had passed but I could tell by how the room was lighting up that it wouldn't take long until morning and everyone would start waking up.
"Bell, baby wake up" I whispered lightly into her ear.
Her nose and forehead scrunched and her eyes squinted open.
"I've gotta go, but before I go bell I need you to listen to me" she was still half asleep but she looked at me seriously knowing I needed to talk to her, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with her tiny closed fists.
"Don't lie to me Bell.
Don't listen to Emmett either." she looked shocked by what I was saying.
"I'm not stupid Bell. I love you.
No matter what.
No matter what. Even when things are bad....Just don't lie to me, I'm not the only one who needs to except what is. I am what I am now and you lying to me won't change that" I held her face lightly looking deep into her big brown eyes.
She nodded slowly and pressed her forehead to mine and slowly leaned in and gently pressed her lips to mine. I could feel her lips turn into a hint of a smile as our they slowly parted.
"I'll come back soon, its still early but keep Scout with you for a few more hours" I whispered, she smiled weakly and nodded again into my chest.
I couldn't help but stare at her like I was trying to prove to my brain she was alive examining her features bit by bit before climbing out the window leaving her curled up under the covers with the big white wolf.
I tried to move fast.
I tried to slide the nails back into the holes I took them out of so Billy wouldn't notice, then I hid my hammer under the house near her window.
Also this way I knew her window wasn't nailed shut. It just looked like it was.
I looked at her through the glass of closed window still rugged up in blankets, I kissed two fingers and pressed them to the cold glass then I took one last look around the yard and took off into Forrest.
I felt sick leaving her there. But I had to do this smart...this time I had to be smart.
If he was willing to nail it shut, I'm sure he would have no problem with bars. I couldn't really work with bars.
I would learn, don't get me wrong.
I got home just as the sun was starting to rise.
I did my best to be as quiet as possible climbing into my bedroom window. As soon as I was safe back in my room I stood for a second before taking a deep breath and walking straight for the door and snuck down the hall into Emmett's room.
He was still fast asleep. I sat on the side of his bed "Emette" I shook him harshly trying to wake him.
He waved his arm around to stop me from shaking him and struggled to open his eyes to look at me.
"What did you say to her?" I demanded in a low but firm voice.
"You should know Eddie, you've been gone all night....., you were with her weren't you" he said trying to turn it around on me.
I growled harshly at him "Stay out of it Em, you don't no what your messing with" I got of his bed and went to leave.
"I'm just trying to help you little brother"
I turned back to face him before opening the door.
"Don't". Was all I growled through my teeth before leaving.
I felt bad about talking to Em like that, but I couldn't just let him rouin what I had left.
I needed him to stay out of it.
I walked down stairs to the kitchen to get a drink. Seeing as I was still burnt out from the run.
I found my mother sitting alone at the breakfast bench staring into a cup of black coffee.
"Hi mum" I said breaking her concentration on the steam that flew from her mug.
"Edward sweetie. Your up early" she said patting the stool next to her, willing me to sit with her. I pulled myself up and looked at her pale skin and bloodshot eyes. She looked worse each day that passed. Some one had taken something from her too and she was dealing with it no better then me. Every time I spoke to her , I could see her becoming more negative and seeing the world through much harsher eye's. It made my heart break to hear such apathy in her voice , the sound of complete defeat.
"You haven't slept" she said softly wiping the hair of my face. Then suddenly pressing her palm to my forehead pressing it firmly before starting to panic.
"and your burning up. Are you feeling sick sweetheart"
I smiled and rolled my eyes at her.
I took her hand that now pressed softly to my cheek into mine.
"I'm OK mum, really. I just..." I looked into her sweet loving eyes and I couldn't lie to her but telling the truth seemed even harder.
My throat felt dry and my voice was shaky.
"I went to see Bell, it's been so long, I just had to see her"
She nodded and I watched her eyes start to well up.
She looked at me for a long moment before I saw a hint of a sad smile escape.
"Your so different from you brothers" she said softly looking down at my hands holding hers.
"Your so..independent and,... grown up" she said as she slid one of her hands from mine and wiped the hair from my face. I tried to smile at her words because 'grown up' and 'independent' seemed like good qualities to have, but the sadness that covered his face told me she thought otherwise.
"Sometimes I wonder if I'm really even of any use to you, it's like your..."
"I need you mum.Always" I cut her off adding quickly.
I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for letting her think she wasn't the best mum and that I loved her so much. I didn't mean to push her away. But I honestly could barely look at her some days. The guilt and pain in her eyes reflected mine and rubbed it in my face a little bit more that everything was gone.
"It feels like the only time you ever really did need me, I failed you."
She really was my mother. She blamed herself for everything.
"I no you did everything you could mum, I promise you I do. It was out of your hands mum." I paused squeezing her hand in mine willing her to listen to me.
"Please don't blame yourselves anymore, you and dad did what you could"
She looked taken back with what I'd said. Like she didn't no what to say back.
"thank you sweet heart, that means allot.".
There was something about the way she looked at me. Almost like she didn't no me anymore. Maybe she could look into my eyes and see, I wasn't the same boy I was.
She would come into my room in the middle of the night to find my clutching pillows and screaming like I was being killed.
I knew I didn't have have long until they sent me to a psychologist. Dad was waiting for me to open up so he could see I was ready to talk to someone. He also knew that right now he could send me to the best doctor in the world and they wouldn't get a word out of me.
I couldn't sleep.
All I could think about was mum. I wanted to be better for her. There had to be more to this then just me. But if it was me I wanted to make it all better.
I tossed and turned on the ground.
Then with out thinking I leaned over and switched the light on. I got up and dragged the mattress back where it was meant to be and made the bed.
I dropped onto the mattress now back where it should be. Thinking that was the reason I couldn't sleep. But as I laid there I realized it wasn't. I flicked the light again with a frustrated growl, pissed off that I couldn't just go to sleep.
I started cleaning the destruction I had created while Scout sat in the corner watching me, realising I was mad. I put everything back in its place and picked up the broken pieces that covered the ground and by around 3am I was finished. It was back to its neat and tidy self. Exactly like it used to be.
I crawled under the blankets and switched the lamp off.
At the very least I knew it would make mum happy.The state it was in had been driving her crazy. crazier.
The dreams about Charlie were probably the worst in someways, because of the sickening feeling that I would get in my stomach when I woke. I'm sure it was guilt. But it felt more like I had been hit by a train.
Some of my dreams would return over and over, one of my more interesting terrors would start with me upside down in the car staring into his dead eyes.
It would feel like he was staring at me but I knew in my gut that he was dead.
I wouldn't be able to move because I was overcome with fear.
It felt like I hung in there for hours watching Charlie's and Bell's blood flood the car.
Even if I screamed and shook them they would just hang limp.
I would scream his name and disparately try to reach out to him. Begging him to save us. But as I stared at his hollow expression, his eyes would slowly move until locked with mine and in an instant I would become silent. He would stare into my eyes for the longest time.
Then suddenly he would start screaming in agony. Screaming that I save him. That he was being crushed. Blood would gush from his mouth, nose and eyes while he screamed and begged for my help. But I could never get my seat belt off.
I could never save him.
Is this what it feels like to go mad?
Am I meant to feel like a spectator in my life.
I started to spend my time just watching.
Everyone, anyone. Anything to try to distract myself.
I started to sit in the lunchroom again at school for no other reason then I was bored outside.
watching these kids was like watching a soap opera.
It just seemed so stupid. I just watched, listened and rolled my eyes. And even though I knew it was crap, I still kept watching. Just like a soap opera viewer.
I just hated everyone I realised.
I didn't feel the need to talk to any of these kids.
What was the point. In the end there really wasn't any. They were no use to me. They annoyed me in fact so why tolerate any of it. I was happy Bell made new friends. She was the best person, I'm happy more people can see that now.
When I was with her. I think I was a better person. I only ever felt like punching the people who hurt her but now I want to punch almost everyone at that school.
I'm worried that with out her maybe I'm not going to end up being a very nice person. I feel bitter at best and suicidal at worst. What do I do. In the afternoons I would read. I would read anything and everything to try and occupy my thoughts.
I just wanted to 'snap out of it' like Em said. Why did everything revolve around it. Even when I wanted to think about something else I couldn't. It all came back to her in the end. A year later and there was no sign of their being any light at the end of this tunnel.
So I decided to just sit back and relax into it.
I stood outside of the library on my break waiting for Xavier. He had slipped a note into my locker telling me to meet him here.
I stood kicking a rock around softly while I waited.
After I had become anxious enough he finally strolled around the corner, walking with his hands in his pockets and a Hood covering most of his face. "Edward" he said greeting me.
"Hey Xavier, what's going on".....
He explained that his father said that they were going on a fishing trip with a few guys from the reservation including Billy and his son. A huge smile swept across my face in an instant. I got the finer details of him and tried to figure out the rest.
Xavier was always more then willing to help, he really was a great friend. I felt like I owed him for all his help but, he said he didn't want anything. I promised him I would help beat up any kid that messed with him. But he begged me not to laughing that he would the have to face Isabella if I got into any trouble over him.
It was like he was talking about someone else. I never called her that, because she'd smack me in the back of my head. But also because it sounded weird. Maybe she didn't like being called 'Bell' anymore.
Isabella. Isabella. Isabella.
I could say it over and over in my head as many times as I like...it's still going to sound wrong to me.
It was weird I don't no why it pissed me off so much. It was her name. All through the rest of the day it hung over my head. I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. I wanted to waste as much time as I could but I realized after walking through town that I shouldn't of. I walked passed the library heading towards the park, the Forrest was behind it and a great shortcut home.
Jame's and Mike had always been best friends, They both were just as proud as each other, Mikes ego had been bruised.
He leaned against the swing set with his friend Victoria who was relaxing on it, swinging lightly from side to side while she starred up at Mike talking while her eyes fluttered at him.
I started to understand Mike more and more over the last few weeks. He was one of the people I had been watching when I was bored. He was incredibly insecure and if I watched him when he was trying to work in class it was obvious he wasn't very intelligent. He hung around these people to make him feel smarter, Thinking himself as some kind of leader. In reality he was boring and average and he hated it. Because he was a leader to a pack of idiots and he was at least smart enough to no that.
He was grateful for nothing and acted like a spoilt brat that never considered anyone else but himself.
I decided to just walk past him and do the right thing no matter what. I tried to walk fast hoping he would just let me pass with no problems.
"Hey loner" he yelled laughing, not so lucky.
I kept my head down and kept walking.
"What wrong Psycho, in a hurry to get home to your mummy"
Seriously, 'my mummy' I smiled at him and shook my head. Letting him I know I knew his secret. He was a loser.
"I know your not going to hang out with all your friends , Like that dumb ass Xavier, he's been held back how many times now?" my smug silence seemed to be making him angrier, I couldn't help but keep it up, I understood now why Xavier looked older then me now, he was and no matter what the education department thought he was a hell of a lot smarter and more grown up then majority of teachers I know. I covered it all up with the smug smile that seemed to work so well at pissing him off.
He looked over his shoulder at Victoria.
"Maybe he's going to hang out with his little freak show orphan girlfriend , Oh wait your not allowed to too see her are you psychopath"
I couldn't tell you when I decided to do anything because I don't remember thinking it over.
I ran at him with full force lifting him off the ground when I collided with him. Started hitting him over and over until he cried.
No one calls Bell anything.
Not fucking ever. No excuse.
She never done shit to anyone, anyone who would dare say anything about her can go to hell. Fuck what anyone says.
Victoria plunged me of him in to the ground so she could see he was OK, he laid in the ground holding his stomach. I wondered while I got to my feet and started to walk away.
Now Ive done it' I'm screwed.
I was half waiting all night for a knock at the door or the phone to ring but nothing.
I sat on the end of my bed after saying goodnight to everyone, I was happy Emmett decided to go camping with a friends family. I didn't want to have to worry that he would hear me sneak out.
I checked my bag to make sure I had what I needed. Then I tapped my foot. Then I paced back and forth. Then I checked my bag again. And tapped my foot some more.Then I paced some more, and then I thought I'd mix it up a bit and started tapping my foot again. I never used to be anything like this. It happened so gradually. But lately I started to notice.
I started to notice myself.
I no that sounds odd, but I did. I could look in the mirror and the dark irises that surrounded them from living a life with no sleep. It felt like I was always moving, even if it was only slightly. I tried a few days ago to just sit completely still. I should be able to do that right?. So then why did I almost pull my hair out of my skull trying. Why did I have these dreams that only purpose seemed to be to drive me insane with guilt and make me sick to the core of my soul. I was violent. Even hitting James today was almost like a release of all of my anger, and made me almost feel good. I wanted to do it every day,If I thought for a second that my doing so wouldn't get me kicked out of school and upset the people closest to me...I would be getting home schooled.
There were so many more little things that I started to notice. I was far to scared to ask Carlisle about any of it, it seemed like good enough reason for a doctor to dope me up to the point of being a zombie.
I waited until nine o'clock to leave. I should of waited longer to be safe but I just couldn't sit in that room any more.
Finally I plunged at the window looking for relief from the anxiety of waiting. I sprinted through our yard and into the Forest.
I could of ran the trail from our house to the reservation with my eyes closed. It was the trail she and I created from running back and forth. As I approached the Black's home, I slowed up. Even though Billy was gone I still had to be careful. If Sam saw me and told billy, he would definitely make it harder then it already was.
I waited in the Forrest surrounding her house for a while to make sure I wasn't going to get caught. It almost seemed to easy and I was sure like everything else it wouldn't last long.
I wished more and more to be stelf like she was. I always felt so unco. She was quick and quiet and If pushed, possibly life threatening. I was just Edward. Always two yards behind her when we ran, the one who couldn't hack it and went mad.
It was darker then usual, for that I was grateful. I made my way up to the shed in the yard and paused again. The sneakier I tried to be the more nervous I got I couldn't bare the thought of creating anymore problems for her. It felt like even my breathing was to loud. I could see that her light was on. I took one last breath before making the last sprint to her window.
I ran as fast as my feet would carry me to the side of the house before throwing myself soundlessly under her window. I closed my eyes for the longest time. It felt so odd. My hands shook uncontrollable. But why. I starred at them for a moment willing them to stop. I rubbed them into my knees that were pulled up towards my chest.
I shook my hands violently before standing quickly pulling the nails out with my fingers before I even looked at her.
My gaze met her shocked expression, she didn't say anything but I could tell I surprised her.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" I whispered as I slowly pulled the window up.
"Don't be stupid. Get in here" she stood with her arms open and her hands opening and closing repeatedly that almost seem to demand me to hurry. I almost feel through the window to reach her but before I did she wrapped her arms around me and all but dragged me through the window.
"My god Eddie. I missed you." she buried her face in to my chest. No one else would of noticed the difference in her voice. It sounded desperate, more broken if possible...if it was possible.
"Hey" I pulled her back to look into her eyes, I searched them deeply to try to determine if everything was ok. I found I was getting straighter answers from them then her lately.
"I no we never see each other and it's a shitty fuck up that we never get to talk or anything but" before she could finish I started to lead her over to her bed. I knew it was what she was trying to say. I didn't need to talk to her, I just needed to be with her. I needed her close to stop myself from going mad, but I feared she needed me to have a good night sleep.I was kind of happy she didn't want to sit up and talk, I didn't want to tell her what I had done on my home from school today, it would seriously piss her off and I didn't want to lie.
Besides I loved holding her and running my fingers through her hair and rubbing her back soothing her into a safe sleep that she obviously craved. It was the least I could do, the only thing I could do. I realise to allot of people this would seem useless and nothing but adding to agony but they just wouldn't understand that my love for her is out of my hands. It almost has nothing to do with me. Its like it comes from somewhere else.From Something bigger and stronger than I could ever be. I couldn't help but follow it blindly.
"When were older will you still take me too a big city, one we can get lost in, where no one know's us" I nodded in to her hair. Smiling at her dream, that she always loved to imagine. I told her how I would take her to fancy restaurants , out dancing at night clubs and never sleep because we would be having so much fun. I knew she had dozed of while I told her my story of her and I some where far away. Nothing more then a dream of freedom and peace.
The dream wasnt the same one that she used to have really. Her old dream was to go some where great and see new things. Now she wanted to dissapear , to be faceless and untraceable. That was her new Idea of peace now.
Her light was fading , that was obvious. But theres nothing I can do for her now all I can do is promise to make her future as bright as I could. I knew I could make her happy forever if given the chance, I knew it would be easy because it was meant to be. It was our destiny.
I had to look at all of this as some kind of test, I had to look at this as I was being tested. How I continued on would reflect my future, the harder I tried the easier life would be. I had to find a way to repair the damage done. To make her dreams come true. I was going to be eleven soon and all I could think about was a way to get allot of money together. I had a few years until we would be teenagers, it seemed like forever away, But I knew It would be so much easier to disappear when we were older. Besides I was playing it smart, and being smart means being logical. No more head in the clouds.
She began to squirm in my arms after a few hours and I knew she was waking up, for a second I was worried she began to shift away from me like she wanted to get away from me almost starting to cry. "Bells" I whispered forcefully to get her attention.she slowly lifted her head of my chest to look up at me and smile lightly at me. She pushed her face into my neck trying to catch her breath. "Did you have a bad dream Bells" , she nodded into me , struggling to steady her breathing.
"I dream about you" she whispered, not sweetly at all. She was admitting to night terrors. I starred into her eyes and reached out to wipe the curls from her face.
"What are they about" I whispered back so low I doubted she heard.
"lately there weird. First I see the stars and there everywhere, and they look beautiful but I feel sick to my stomach like I'm drowning, at first I think I'm floating but then I see you. Your holding me and your all red. Your holding like I'm nothing, like I weigh no more then a feather.
It's so weird. I realise your covered in blood and looking straight ahead like your in some kind of daze. I can see your crying but the only sign is the tears that fall down your bloody cheeks and onto me. I don't no where we are but your carrying me somewhere and the night sky behind you is so clear that from where I laid in your chest it looked as if you where walking through an ocean of stars...you looked like an angel"
I let out a heavy breath that hurt.
What she remembered was what had been described to me by a few people. That I was found walking aimlessly covered head to toe in blood carrying her tightly to my chest almost two miles from the accident. The people who found us said I was in so much shock that they weren't really sure if I could hear them when they spoke to me, that I wouldn't let her go until the ambulance arrived. Then they said the ambulance officer explained that Bell needed to go to the hospital and that he would take her, and make sure she was safe. Then they said that I put her on the stretcher myself and collapsed as soon as she left my arms. But it was just a story to me and nothing more, I didn't say anything, I just starred back at her intensely. I didn't want to remember any of it and I didn't want her too either. I started to think that was why she seemed like she could survive it. It didn't dominate her life like it did mine. I loved that, for her.
"Was it that night?" she asked with no visible emotion on her face.
"I don't remember anything after..." I said looking away from her, she scrunched her forehead confused.
"after what Edward?" she seemed to glare into me searching my eyes for answers. Ones I didn't want to give her.
"You said you didn't want me to tell you about it." I said questioning her. Hoping she would decided too drop it. It was a story no one needed to hear. Least of all her.
"I said I didn't want to hear what happened to Charlie, I want to no what happened to you" she declared confidentially
"their the same story" I breathed out as if confessing to a crime. She shook her head at me closing her eyes for a brief second. "You no what I mean. You can tell me what happened with out telling me what he said he wanted you to tell me." I was more then a little taken back with what she said. She seemed so tiny laying in my chest clutching my shirt as she spoke. I could almost hear her heart screaming at me not to tell her anything. I almost wanted to grab her and cry into her hair and tell her how horrible it was. How lifeless she looked, how her father was crushed and I couldn't save him, how I let him die.
"Eddie I can handle it" she added quietly when she saw the obvious reluctance to speak.
I didn't want her to handle it. She didn't want to no for herself, she wanted to no these horrible life shattering things to help me.
"Bell. I don't want to talk about it. Please. I don't remember most of it really" I was the worst liar. She looked straight through me like looking through glass. I reached out and wrapped my hand around the side of her face, stroking her cheek with my thumb softly. I was so happy she was unconscious for the accident. She doesn't have to remember him like that. With that look of complete and utter pain and horror. To have to realise we would have to leave him behind to die alone.
"The one thing you don't want to hear. Is the only thing I'm willing to tell you Bell, sorry baby but this is my burden to carry. Not yours, If the two of us can both only remember half of what happened then thank god I remember the first half. You deserve a better last memory of him then that."
She didn't get angry or sad she just stared at me for the longest time.
"I worry about you, I worry that your not going to be OK" now she sounded sad.
She looked so much older then the girl I used to meet in the Forrest. She was changing, her body filled out and the way her face looked even seem to change ,I realised I towered over her now , where as before I used to be the exact same height. Before I wouldn't of noticed the changes. They would of been suttel and slow but now it was thrown in my face that she was growing up with out me instead of beside me.
"Theres no point in telling you not to worry, is there?"
She smiled at me cheekily "Edward if you tell me not to worry ,I'll punch you. I love you Edward. Love is worry. Honeymoon period is over babe. This is gonna suck. Like really really suck living here and they may have to drag me kicking and screaming through the next few years. But in the end we will have our life back. It might not be like it was but we will be a family again one day."
She was confident and determined when she spoke. She spoke with a clear and collected mind. She almost sounded emotionless because she was so intense, then she added.
"We will be just fine as soon as people stop trying to fuck our lives up"
There she is, that's my my Bell. She was still in there.
I ran my fingers up and down her spine and used the other hand to wipe the mass of curls that had fallen in front of her face during her battle speech.
I wanted to force the image of how she looked right now into my head. Her cheeks were so Rosie and skin was as white as snow. She looked like an angel that had fallen through the ceiling and landed on my chest. I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek and rubbed the same spot lightly with my thumb , glaring at her tying to force a mental photo into my mind. once again convinced I could push out the bad thoughts and replace them with the good, I'm sure it doesn't work like that. But I couldn't stop myself from silently, but frantically trying.
We layed like that for hours, she whispered sweet dreams of our future while I continued to absorb the perfect moment.
I told her before the sun came up I had to go. For once the departure wasn't horrible. I could almost see a light for us. Sure it was dim and far away. But still, it beat the complete darkness.
We were happy, laughing and giggling while I climbed out of her window. I remember ducking my head back in the window and wrapping my hand over the side of her face to pull her close to me to kiss me. She wrapped her fingers into my hair for a moment before I took off into the Forrest.
I was deep into the Woods approaching my trail home in less then a minute. I heard a noise behind me but before I could turn, I heard a heavy blow.... I remember pain in the back of my head and my ribs.
I felt like I was drowning, sinking and falling all at once.
Everything was black and numbing.
For a moment I was dead.
I was done, and I felt at peace.
I didn't care about anything anymore. I can see there's no point. Everything will line up weather I worry or not.
I could just drift off into nothingness and it didn't matter at all, no time , no space , no pain and no bad thoughts or feelings. I didn't want to no how I got here. I didn't care. I was just happy I was here.
It felt like it was the longest time before there was anything other then this overwhelming daze. But slowly I could feel it approaching. Intense pain.
I fought it as much as I could. Longing to stay in the peace and quiet.
But it was useless, an impossible fight to win. I could feel my feet and fingers. The painful breaths that passed through my lungs. It was real and it was killing my numbness.
I slowly opened my eyes to see a white light. I couldn't think straight. I used all my strength to turn my head from the painfully bright light. I could see me father asleep in a chair next to my bed through my blurry vision.
"Dad" I barely managed to choke out.
He woke in a second looking over his shoulder first before looking at me.
For a full two seconds he starred at me in shock before leaping from his chair to hover over me placing his hand lightly on my chest, attempting to hold my still when I tried to move. The confusion was overwhelming , why did he look like he was going to cry , why was I in so much pain. I was weak and every breath ached through my body.
He pulled back to examine me, looking over me repeatedly as if he couldn't believe I was here.
"What happened" I choked out as I grabbed his arm as tightly as I could. He shook his head looking over at a machine that I was hooked up too. I could tell he thought I was just messed up from what ever happened or what ever drugs they had me on.
"dont worry right now son just try to relax"
"No" was all I could manage. My throat was so dry and sore and every word I tried too say scraped out of my throat like glass scratching a chalk board.
He paused staring at me for a moment. Searching for my seriousness. When he found out he finally gave me a small nod and explained what happened.
He said they didn't start to worry until late on Saturday night. They thought I left early Saturday morning too spend the day in the Forrest like usual, not realizing I left the night before. He said he sat on the front step after he finished work like he always did waiting for me to get home.
He sat for two hours waiting and he just knew something wasn't right. They started looking every where. All of my usual spots but I was no where to be found. He said that he and a police officer went to Billy's house to see if Bell had seen me. He said she became frantic when he said he hadn't seen me all day, she told him that I left late the night before, it was freezing and rain was coming. She looked at him crying almost hysterically knowing something had happened. She said that there was a trail I used that led back to my house. After she explained to the police officer where it was so he could call it in , dad and the police officer took bell to the Forrest to show them where I would of been. But I was no where to be found.
He said a search party looked for me all night and all the next day but I was not found until the very late hours of Sunday night when they heard the hysterical howls of Scout who had found me in a rocky ditch near the stream in the middle of nowhere in the Forrest. Over two miles away from my track and in the complete opposite direction of my house. I was stunned and speechless. He explained that it was now 3.30am Friday morning. It had been a week since I left Bells.
"Son I don't want to give you a hard time. I'm just happy your awake and safe. But, what were you doing out there, Bell said you left before the sun rose on Saturday morning. Where were you going"
I shook my head trying to put the puzzle pieces back together. I remember leaving bell. I remember I was going home.
"that doesn't make any sense" I choked out in disbelief.
"There was a steep hill by the steam where you were found. The police said there where signs that you feel down it.
"No dad. That's not right. I was on the trail, I was coming home. I swear." I started to get worked up. It was bullshit. What happened. Maybe I got turned around, that pain in my head must of been from me falling maybe?.
Something was definitely not right. I tried repeatedly to explain myself and what happened that night, but I could tell he didn't believe me. I knew deep down that there was no way I could loose my way so much, I knew that trail like the back of my hand , I knew I could run it with my eyes closed. But he just shushed me repeating that it didn't matter until my energy ran out and I passed out again.
Every now and then I would wake for a few
minutes to see different people in my room, checking on me. I couldn't find any energy to talk or move, I tried to but it just wore me out more. Finally I just gave up and rested, obviously I needed it and a part of me almost hoped to slip back into the heavenly abyss that Ive now been told was actually a coma.
They were angry. I got that.
Esme stood next to my bed with her arms crossed. I had been fully awake for two days now and they were passed 'just being happy I was ok'. Dad sat in the chair next to me, just as angry as mum.
"Edward things have to change"
I nodded automatically like all kids do when there in trouble. They didn't believe me that I hadn't lost my way. I was convinced someone must of been behind this, that something must of happened. I just had no idea what. I wasn't exactly reliable it seemed.
"Things have come to our attention to son and we've made a few decisions"
I became anxious. Dad sounded more assertive then I had ever heard, he looked determined to follow through with what ever was happening.
"What's going on with you guys, what's come to your attention?"
Esme stepped closer to my bed and sat on the edge of it taking my hand.
She looked at Carlisle as if asking for a go ahead, This was serious. She held my hand firmly and took a deep breathe.
"Your father accepted a job at a hospital in Phoenix , we're moving there."
"WHAT!" I sat upright in a second a shook her hand violently from mine.
"Edward, you need to start fresh somewhere, we all do."
"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME MOVE ANYWHERE" I yelled at the top of my lungs even though it hurt to do.
Dad stood up and took the step he had to, do that he was standing over me like mum now was.
"Edward. You and Isabella will be better off" Dad said carefully
"DID I MISS THE MEMO WHERE WE ALL STARTED TO CALL HER THAT" The frantic and almost psychotic scream came out. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breathe. Trying to make sure I was calmer before I started again.
"Why do you want to leave her here, ALONE." I tried to be calm but my voice raised on the last word. How could they think this was right.
"Edward. Shes not alone, she has a new family. Shes been there for over a year now and it seems like shes handling it better then you are"
"No, shes not ok there. You dont know." I scrambled trying to make them see.
"Edward we saw the letter she wrote you" They were morons. Couldn't they see straight through that piece of paper like I did.
"That letter is Bullshit. She wrote it because shes worried"
"Edward" Dad almost yelled then paused to compose himself.
"I know why she wrote it. I've spoken to her and to Sam. Bell is doing ok. Your not. She's worried about you. Like we are. This isn't open for discussion anymore Edward. We're moving before you end up getting into real trouble or you end up....."
He didn't finish, instead he got up and stormed out the room. Not willing to listen to anything I had to say.
I never saw him like this. That's how I knew it was over. There was nothing I could say or do to change it. I shook with anger and frustration. Kicking myself internally for beating up James when I knew it would get me kicked out of school. I should of stayed at Billy's house till morning like I used to maybe what ever happened in the Forrest , wouldn't of.
"Mum, you cant let this happen, please, I'll do anything" I begged her.
She reached out wiping the sweat from my forehead and the tears that had escaped my eyes without me knowing.
"Sweetheart. You need help. You need to get out of here away from all of this sadness, your never going to get better if we don't at-last try."
"She loves me mum. She'd do anything for me, even lie."
"I know that" she said simply and softly.
"But I love you both. This isn't good for either of you. You both aren't getting anywhere like this. Your just treading water sweetie. Eventually you will drowned.
She loves you enough to lie, I know that too, But she also loves you enough to let you go and that's what this letter was really about wasn't it."
"I won't go" I said shaking my head stubbornly ignoring her. Because she was right. But I didn't care.
"OK, Eddie. Let's forget about you then. Do you think this is easier for her. Sam says she is depressed for days wondering when she will see you again. She says she's heard you jump in her window at night and she noticed how happy it would make Bell for days. But then she gets sadder and sadder waiting for you. She can't live her life when all she does is wait for you.
Billy will never allow you too see her after all this. I dread to think of the things you'd do to see her, or she would do too see you, we need to keep both safe, and for now that means being apart"
"She's sad because she hates it there , she belongs with me.....I mean she's communicating , she's speaking...But why arent you listening , Why is this not the most important thing" I almost growled at her, loosing it more and more with each word
"You think your the first one to loose anything , your just a kid for god's sake." He yelled as he stormed out the door. Their was more to this and it pisssed me off being lied too.
I stopped talking to everyone. Even when Emmett and jasper tried to come in and cheer me up, I just turned my back to them and closed my eyes, I wanted to be back in my peaceful coma more than anything now.
I wanted to be on my favorite cliff edge again.
I was beyond weak. I was slow and even more pale if possible. I looked like a zombie. The doctor said that I was allowed to go for walks through the halls of the recovery unit to exercise my muscles. I wondered aimlessly around the ward trying to get my legs working again, it seemed like they were exhausted. I didn't complain or ask questions I just did what they said and shut up, seeing as it didn't really matter what I had to say anyway. One day as I wondered alone through the ward I saw Bell walking alone down the hall staring at her feet as she walked unknowingly right towards me.
I blocked her path and stood waiting for her to take the final steps to me. She almost bumped into me, but looked up at the last second to see who was in her way. She didn't look happy to see me. She looked horrible in fact. Her head shook and she looked back down at her feet. I wrapped my arms around her and crushed her to me in a way that would hurt her and me but I couldn't help myself.
"Why didn't you tell them to stay Bell. They would of stayed if you told them you needed them too."
"I couldn't , I just couldn't" she cried into my chest. I knew there was more to the story. She reminds me of a volcano. I just had to wait and she would erupt. But it would seem that I wouldn't be here for her when it happened. I took her hand after seeing all the glaring eyes on us when I looked around and lead her into my room down the hall. I closed the door behind me and shut the blinds.
She was hyperventilating behind me, I turned to see her hitting her own head with the palms of her hands. I reached out and grabbed her wrists and pulled her to me again wrapping my arms around her like a shield. I held her in my arms and swayed her slightly and began lightly humming a tune to calm her. My mind had been racing since they told me, I think I had figured ways to get through it temporarily but long term was another question. The realization that this right her, right now was it. Could be it for a very long time made my hands shake and me eyes spill out an unlimited supply of tears. Who would make sure she's OK and hug her when she's sad or tell her every things going to be alright one day, even when it not. It was as if someone was sawing me in half right now as I stood here, I swear I can feel a jagged blade tearing through me right now. I wished I could take her into that peacefully deep place that I was in. She would loved to have felt that. The memory of it still rushed through my body and made me feel so incredibly hopeless because I missed the control that came with the nothingness , to realise somehow that it simply doesn't matter. But that realization is something that only a severe head injury and almost being frozen to death in the wilderness can bring on.
Bell squeezed me tighter and tighter crying while her fingers pulled at the fabric on the back of my jumper. What was I supposed to to do, I couldn't even run away with her because I was still so weak and sore that I could barely walk. What am I supposed to do. I couldn't think straight I just held her hoping for the right thing to say to make it ok.
"I'll always come back for you Bell. Don't ever think its over. Not ever. I promise you one day it will be OK"
"Billy's watching my every step again. I convinced Sam to bring me, so I could at least say..."
"Don't you dare say good bye to me" I almost yelled taking her face in my hands and lining our eyes up.
"You ever need me. Ever. I promise you I'll get to you, no matter what it takes Bell I'll come back, and one day when we're a bit older we can run so far away no one will ever find us"
"I didn't no this would happen" she almost cried out.
"What, Bell" I asked but she shook her head. I knew there was allot more to the story behind why my parents seem to want to run from here so fast. Why they seem to think its OK. I had a feeling Emmett had been in her ear, but isn't wasn't worth worrying about it now. It's done.
"Will you be OK Eddie" she sobbed out.
I slowly wiped the hair from her face and kissed her head and cheeks lightly.
"I'm going to be fine baby, and so are you. We're strong, right." she nodded in agreement through the tears.
"I was so scared I'd never see you again, I prayed that if you'd just be OK, I'd do anything, But now, ." she could barely talk she was so upset and I feared I was holding her up.
"With out you Edward. Nothing matters anymore. I only ever wanted you forever. Nothing else, just you forever"
"That's what you get baby, I promise"
I shook my head not wanting to loose it and lifted her in my arms pulling her closer, I closed my eyes and started to tell her how I had a plan. It would just take time. One day I'll be back for good. That I loved her and no matter what I would love her forever. I begged her not to forget it.
Sam opened the door. Bell turned her head but I pulled her gaze back to mine. "Forever, right"
She nodded, wiping the tears. "Forever, I promise." she wrapped her hands around my neck and pulled me in desperately kissing me and holding my lips to hers passionately before pressing her head to mine. Before she could fully turn her body from mine , she was scooped up into Sam's arms. She looked guilty as she pulled Bell tightly to herself. I watched as the door slowly swung shut and then just like that, that chapter of my life was over.
I turned and looked around my hospital room, what should I do now. All I can think of is smashing everything. Opening and closing my fists tightly trying to contain it.
But it was useless, no one could see that from here on out it would only be about getting back to her, nothing else will ever matter. They can not force love away.
I didn't smash the room, or scream like I wanted too. I just climbed back onto my bed and sat perfectly still.
No more happiness, no more childish dreams they all walked out the door, with what was left of my soul not far behind that.
Couldn't they see that their plan to keep me safe may in fact kill me. Not that life without her would be any life at all, not like I can forget the promises I made to love and keep her safe. Not like anything matters without her.
The door clicked open and he came in slowly and stood at the end of the bed, I can't say how long it was between Bell leaving and Dad walking through the door. I sat in the center of the bed with my knees pulled tightly to my chest crying uncontrollably into them. I could almost hear him thinking that this wasn't healthy, that I wasn't healthy. But instead of saying anything he just sat in the chair by my bed and didn't say a word. I ran my fingers through my hair and gripped it tightly pulling at it until it hurt. Dad stood slowly taking my wrists in his hands.
"Why are you doing this." I said in a way that almost seemed like I wasn't talking to him.
"Because I don't no what else to do" he answered quite simply.
"You pulled your stitches" he said softly as I realised that blood slowly ran down my neck to my chest from the back of my head. I didn't care. I just watched the blood cover my chest slowly. He got a few things from the draws in the room and sat behind me.
"Does it hurt"
"More then anything ever has before" I knew he was talking about my head, how could I possibly feel anything but this forever. Didn't they get it at all. Is there no one here who understands that it was worse than losing a limb. As if they had found a way to remove my heart and keep me alive.
"Did you no that you broke Mike's arm and fractured his collar bone, with that and trespassing on Billy Blacks land. I need you too understand son these things matter. Your doing things that could rouin your life son. Or end it" I almost rolled my eyes at him when I saw him look like he could scream. "Your mother and I sat by this bed and watched you laying there lifeless. Our little boy. Even when we knew you would wake up we didn't know if you had severe damage done. I can't just sit on my hands waiting for things to get better, because lets face it, that man hates us and he will end up putting you in jail over Bell" he wasn't trying to lighten the mood, he was pretty serious. I didn't care if I went to jail or died but Carlisle did.
I never went back home, I didnt want to see it empty and I couldnt think straight about what I could do to make any of it ok.
Mum and my brothers had already left but I had to stay with Carlisle until I was released from hospital and well enough to travel. When I was released Dad got a room at the motel to stay at for a night while he tied up some loose ends with work. I sat in the room promising him over and over before he left that I wouldn't go to the reservation, and I could honestly promise that I had no intention of going, I knew I had no chance of getting close to her especially now that Billy knew I snuck in her window. Things would be bad enough for her now. But there was something I had to do that was going to break my heart.
I left a note for Carlisle explaining myself just, incase he beat me home. I left the room and walked slowly dragging my body through the park into the woods. I went to the usual spot near the old tyre swing where Bell and I used to play and waited. It never took her long. Scout appeared behind me with out a sound. I looked down at her and nodded for her to follow. It wasn't a far walk.
the driveway to the house was longer then anything. Just like Charlie, Hidden in the middle of no where.
I couldn't bring myself to look down at her following me. I had this feeling in my gut that I might never see her again.
I could barely walk every step made the feeling of concrete on my back and shoulders heavier. I feel to my knees from exhaustion more them once and the sight of me pressing my face to the dirt trying to find will to keep going when I could of just gone to sleep.
I arrived finally at the house and paused looking around waiting. Just like scout they didn't take long. Within a minute I was surrounded by Five huge wolves spread out starring curiously at Scout and me standing on the dirt road that led to the house. One of bigger wolves that was white too stepped closer, She then barked at Scout. I looked down at her just as she barked back and they ran at each other playing and jumping all over each other. I looked over to see Malcolm standing casually against the side of his house covered in white paint.
"That you Eddie." hey yelled with a smile and his strong southern accent.
"Yeah it me" I said none to excited to be here.
"Well what's happening boy, I'm pretty sure your meant to be in hospital son." he asked walking towards me.
"How'd you know." I asked curiously.
"Led one of the search party's son. So what brings you and Scout to this part of town."
I looked over at Scout playing with the other white wolf and then to the ground.
"Were leaving town." I confessed not able to look him in the eye.
"I heard." he said with a hint of a smile from the small town gossip.
"I can't take her with me. She's to wild. And she's not mine to take."
Malcolm nodded and looked over at her knowingly.
"yeah old billy black don't like her to much I've heard" I shook my head and kept looking at my feet as my eyes welled up.
"So how do you call her." he asked lightly.
"I don't no, just yell her name and wait. She might take awhile but shell find you."
"You no she won't stay her all the time."
"I no she won't. She spends most of her time sleeping under Bells window or on Charlie's porch or She follows bell and watches her from a far but she knows not to get to close now. Bell said Billy will shoot her if he gets the chance. I just need her to know she has somewhere to go if she needs too."
He nooded and looked over again at Scout.
"I've got to get back. I just needed to bring her here so she knows. I don't want her to think i just left her here alone." I couldn't help but let the tear escape.
"Well say your goodbyes and get in my truck boy ill drive you back to town."
He turned and got into his truck and waited there. I couldn't breathe. It was almost harder then saying goodbye to Bell because I didn't know if she understood that I wasn't abandoning her.
"Scout" I yelled as Malcolm backed his truck back past me to his mail box to wait.
She slowly came over to as if she knew that I was upset. She stopped at me feet and sat looking up at me. I broke and fell to my knees and wrapped my arms around her squeezing her far to tight.
"I'm sorry , So sorry everything went like this. But ill be back and I promise you, I'll fix this." I looked in her blue eyes and she knew I was going. I choked back the tears again and shook it off.
"Malcolm will look after you OK Scout, you need to be here. You can watch Bell but you need to stay with Malcolm" I tried so hard not to cry as I pointed to Malcolm's house. Then I pressed my head to hers one last time and closed my eyes.
"Stay Scout. I love you girl."
I started to back up taking one last look at her. She took one step towards me but stopped and sat starring at me get in the old truck.
I got in the truck and closed the door and watched in the mirror as she stayed sat in the same spot watching me go. I could feel myself shake and my fists clench. I didn't no if I was supposed to be like this so angry. I wanted to take her with me but I couldn't imagine her in a fenced yard, sleeping in a kennel. It wouldn't work.
"You no I believe those dogs are almost spiritual the way they roam and stalk through the Forrest, they look in your eyes and they know everything in your head. They know when your sorry and angry and when everything's turned to shit. No shame in crying over loosing that, she's crying in her own way, because she knows everything's turned to shit."
Carlisle never knew I left. I was back with plenty of time before he got back thankfully.
I stood staring out my window waiting for Dad to finish his last arrangements with the hospital. I pulled my hood on and sunk my hands into my pockets , contemplating running. When I heard a noise at the open door to my room.
"Edward" I turned to see Xavier standing in the door way. I smiled at him and nodded him in. He walked over to my side and stared out the window with me. I liked Xavier he was quiet and collected, not like other kids his age.
"You thanking of running" he almost laughed out. He was also perceptive.
I shook my head sarcastically "Never" . He stood for a moment taking in the view before putting his hand out.
"I brought this for you" he handed me a piece of paper with what looked like an address on it. "Thank Xavier, you shouldn't have"
He laughed and shook his head. "Its my address. I told my mother to bring me here to say good bye to my friend from school who's moving away. So they wont ask any questions when my friend writes me letters, if you get my drift"
I put my hand out. He took it with a smile.
"Thanks Xavier. Really, you don't no what this means, makes things...easier" it was the only 'going away' gift worth getting. he nodded understandingly.
"Your a good friend Xavier." I said realizing other then Bell , he was my only friend.
"I'm just happy your OK Edward. I don't no the in's and out's of why you cant see her, and its really none of my business. But what ever the reason is I'm sure its a stupid one. Your a good person Edward ,you love her...., I'll see you when I you get back" he patted me on the back and walked out casually leaving me standing facing the window like he was never there.
We drove for the longest time, I didn't want to let on how much I hated it. They just weren't safe. I knew that much, Charlie was a great driver but it doesn't matter when there are so many other idiots out there. The drunk drivers car that collided with us was totaled as well as the car that followed that would collide with Charlie's crushing to the car in front. But other then me and Bell the only other survivor in that accident was the drunk driver. They needed the jaws of life to get him out but when they did he apparently almost all but walked away.
No rhyme or reason. It doesn't matter if you good or bad, it's just random with no excuse.
He stopped at a few places trying to cheer me up but It didn't work, I wasn't really a traveler but Bell was, she would of loved to see the worlds biggest ball of twine or what ever else Carlise wanted to show me.
We stopped at one gas station that had a bus station attached I stood and stared at it for a long moment before I heard him.
"Edward, lets go" I turned and walked slowly to the car slamming the door as I got in. I hadn't exactly been the best person to be with for a long road trip but I soon understood why. I felt sick and exhausted from the motion and couldn't stand sitting still for more then a couple of hours because I would suddenly get horrible cramps.
I kept thinking over and over about that night before all this happened when she laid on my chest giggling and resting her head on me while I played with her curls and rubbed her back.
"You no there's a tourist book in the glove box, maybe there's something good in there" I looked over at him while he drove.
"maybe not" he added taking in my glare.
"Let's just get there dad" they were some of the only words I spoke to him.
"We're not selling the house, we're just trying something else for awhile OK. A few years and who knows"
I starred out the window, at the open land and like everything else it just made me miss her more.
"I'm not to young to know that I love her"
"Maybe not, but if it's real it can wait." he seemed so clear, more then I had seen him since Charlie died. He was determined he was doing the right thing. New house, new job, new friends....New life.
That was the plan. It didn't seem like it would kill me. It really didn't seem that way.
Where do I start.
How can I explain.
I have never hated anything the way I hate this fucking place. If I wasn't insane before, I sure as shit was now.
The house was horrible. It was huge and modern and very white. The walls, the tiles absolutely everything seemed to be white except for my bedroom. It had a huge tree outside of it just like my old room and it was the only room that was painted pale yellow, it was different from my old room that was blue but the exact same colour as Bell's old room. I didn't need to unpack or go through any of the transitions of moving. I went from the hospital to here pretty much. As if that old life never existed. It seemed almost to easy for Emmett and Jasper , they both fit in great at school and done better then they did before. Jasper met a girl his first day, Alice. She was bouncy and really really...happy.She hadn't had the easiest life but that hardly seem to get her down. She would come over after school and I had to watch as her and jasper became inseparable. I was incredibly jealous and standoffish of them both. Esme watched me staring at them all the time, I could see them play and laugh in the lounge room. Emmett was horribly nice to me, I avoided him not because of that but because of the meaning behind it. He'd done something, he was guilty and I could see it. Not that any of it mattered now. What's done is done, it doesn't mean I have to forgive him for any part he had in taking me away from her.
It seemed as if I could make no right move here. I tried to keep my head down and that looked crazy but if I react the way I want they'll say I'm crazy and violent. So what. What do I do.
I refused to talk to the psychologist, even though he assured me I wasn't doing myself any favours. His name was Harvey he was a middle aged child psychologist. He seemed nice enough. He explained the the silent treatment was not original at all to him, he'd seem it all before so I might as well just get on with it. I'm not saying he didn't make me laugh. I just didn't see the point in telling him anything, couldn't he just look at me and see that I was doomed , that I was lost.
I wrote to Bell twice a week, telling her everything like it was no more then a boring story, I tried to kept it as light as possible and so did she in her replies but our pain often broke through the written words. My parents didn't know about the letters and I didn't tell them, I wasn't lying. I just didn't see the need to tell them and seeing as one of my chores was to bring in the mail it just never came up.
I would sit in class at school writing and writing page after page to her, I told her all about Alice, knowing she'd love that he had made a good friend. Every stupid thought that went through my head , things only she would get.
I told her how everyone was doing OK even though it was a lie. Esme had been acting weird since we had been here. She seemed like a zombie. She was so tired and quiet all the time and I knew she was seeing a psychologist too and it was obvious she was on something.
I would sit on the front steps to the house and wait for dad to get home from work in the afternoons. He was never home later then five and never did night shift or weekends. He was home all the time with us, it was nice that he was here. She wasn't alone sitting in the kitchen anymore waiting for him to get home so they could argue. It seemed Mum had no more fight left in her. I started to wonder if I was the real reason we moved here.
Dads car finally pulled into the driveway around four thirty he got out of his car smiling at me. He loved how I waited for him in the afternoons, sad fact was my father was probably my only friend. Most days we would sit and talk for at least an hour but today he had to take me to see Dr Harvey. It wasn't a very long drive but dad always took the long way to drive past the beach I refused to go too. It was always sunny here, not like rainy miserable Forks. But somehow it seemed miserable and darker here.
We pulled up outside the office and dad looked over at me after hearing about how I hate school and I want to beat the crap out of this kid Shaun and how the little shit deserves it. He was just like James, he wanted to fight but he will be crying to anyone who will listen when he ends up with a broken arm.
"I want you to talk to the doctor about this Edward. Because you sound so ready to get yourself removed from another school".
It wasn't easy to find a school that would take me. I had to promise to behave and keep my hands to myself as well as see a psychologist , which was also advised by the police officers at Forks after the whole incident with James.
"I'll see you in an hour dad" I climbed out of the car not saying yes or no. I just made my way into Malcolm's office. It was a nice office with old style wooden furniture but it was full of stacks of books and note pads.
It was comfortable at least, the coach was huge and cushy. I relaxed into it after nodding to Fran the receptionist on the way in. Malcolm waved his arm with out looking up at me, still in the middle of writing something surrounded by his piles of books on his desk.
"How are you today Edward." he said throwing his pen down after a few minutes and looking up at me smiling through his general old man grumpiness.
"How are you Harvey" I said with a hint of a smile.
"Kid do not start with the 'question with a question' bullshit , its been done and frankly i think your smarter then that"
I liked him, he was challenging and smart, and a little bit manipulative.
"I write to her" I don't no why I blurted it out. It was like I was confessing it to him, like I thought I was maybe doing the wrong thing.
"how is she?" he asked curiously, he didn't seem at all surprised.
"She seems OK. It's hard to tell with her"
"Do you think she's lying?"
"No, it's not like that. Everything probably is fine but unless you can see her eyes you'll never know if she's OK. Everything is in her eyes"
I must admit I like talking about her. Even if thus guy was just trying to see if I was crazy. I must admit I was rather curious myself.
"Edward can ask you a few questions about Bell."
"Sure why not." what harm could it all do. The sooner I was better the sooner I could go back to my real home.
"What is one of your first memories of Bell. No matter how small of insignificant it may seem"
My mind wondered and I could see her. She was so adorable, her curls hung all over her head in a messy main.
"we were on the beach"
"How old do you think you were" he added encouraging me to talk.
"Three maybe, we were playing in the sand and a crab crawled out and bit her finger, I remember I freaked out and grabbed it and started to blow it and kiss it over and over trying to make it better. Then suddenly she told me that I'd fixed it."
Harvey smiled at the obvious cuteness of the story and wrote something on his pad.
"Carlisle told me her mother left when she was very young. Do you remember her at all?" I shook my head. I didn't have one memory of that evil bitch and I'm glad Bell doesn't either. She was dead to me.
"Your not a fan I take it"
"No not really"
"Did she go to Charlie's funeral"
"No. She didn't, she's a coward"
"It must of been hard for you to watch someone you love go through that, when you yourself can barely deal with what's happened."
"What exactly did my father tell you"
"that you refuse to talk about the accident, that you refuse to talk about anything really."
"Its just that. It's kind of private. It happened didn't just happen to me, it was a great mans last moments , it's not some story you run around telling."
He nodded and starred at me for a long moment.
"Edward do you remember what happened after you got Bell from the car"
"I honestly do not remember anything, I hit my head and I lost allot of blood and..."
"And ontop of all that you carried a girl over two miles away from then scene of her fathers death, so that if she woke up she wouldn't see any of it."
"Maybe. I don't no. Like I said, I don't remember and I hit my head so,"
"right" he said looking down at his feet, why was it so hard to believe I didn't remember that, Even Bell said I was covered in blood and looked like I was a Zombie.
"Do you remember what happened the night you left Bell's house." I shook my head straight away. I could see how it looked like I was lying. How much can you possibly black out, and such stupid things.
"Would you tell me about the camping trip perhaps"
"Sure Doc, what do you want to know" it really didn't seem like it would do any harm.
"You were gone for almost a week. Weren't you scared out there, you were both out in the middle of Forrest alone"
"Not alone. I had her, and it was the happiest I've been since Charlie died. Everything was.... perfect."
"Perfect" he questioned.
"when you miss someone, like I miss Bell. You could be anywhere for it to be perfect."
"You care about her very much."
"I love her. She's everything. She looks at me and she see's me, like really see's me. When we were out in the middle of no where, I was me. and every minute since then that I haven't been with her I realise more and more that without her I'm just..."
"Just what Edward." he asked softly leaning in. I looked him in the eyes and said clearly and coldly.
I knew it sounded horrible and messed up. But it was the truth. I started to wonder if it was OK to be so dependent on someone else. I mean this much, this way. Then the overwhelming want took a hold of me. The want to be better then I was.
Dad said he was worried of what I could turn into and now so was I. She deserved better then some head case.
"I broke that kids arm and fractured his collar bone, I didn't even know that I hurt him that bad. I don't even really remember half of it. I just lost it."
"You've said before that he provoked you" he questioned, relaxing back into his chair.
"He called Bell a name." I shrugged "You don't call her anything ever. Not ever. She's like this really good person and , you just don't fuck with that." I paused with a smile as the old memory that came to me and escaped my mouth.
"When I was five or six I was playing at the park on my new bike and this big kid took it from me. He pushed me over and rode around the park making fun of me until I got up and left. But Bell found me walking home crying and demanded to know what happened.
She wasn't even scared of him, she was just so mad. She couldn't even think of the fact that he was at least three years older then her and twice the size. She didn't seem to care, she was just so angry that someone hurt me, so angry that she'd do anything to fix it ,no matter the consequences. You don't fuck with a girl like that. She's just the sweetest thing .She's like my hero, and for a split second things like that come into my head when someone picks on her and I snap."
He didn't judge me or look as if he thought I was mad, He just looked as if he understood it for some reason. He almost nodded to himself before writing something down again.
"Do you ever dream about her Edward?"
I had wanted deep down to talk about the dreams to someone. They were absolutely killing me, I could admit I missed sleeping, it was almost as if it was a thing of the past. I never closed my eyes without seeing something. So I thought 'Fuck it', and nodded to him.
"what happens in them, are they the same or are they different."
"Their different, but kind of the same I guess. She always dies. She's always covered in blood and I can never save her. They more then just terrify me, they brake me heart."
Dr Harvey leaned in his seat and stared at me again for a moment "Edward do you do you honestly deep in your core believe that something bad will happen if your not there"
"yes" I answered honestly.
"Well no offence kid but, your like eleven years old. Don't you think that its a bit to much responsibility for someone your age, I mean are you sure shes in any danger."
I thought about the question. I thought about the way he nailed the window shut, but he wouldn't be the first man in care of a young girl to nail the window shut, to keep her from a boy. I've seen him yell and scream and he kept her from us for no reason. All of which could be justified. She never really told me anything about anything he done. It was all just a feeling in my gut.
"Look, I know how it looks to everyone. But I'm not making this up in my head. The guys an ass hole."
I just tried to remain calm at school. Not talk to anyone if I could , I ate lunch with my brothers and Alice, Alice and I were the same age and were in the same class so at least I had one friend, that would do. Then after school I would catch the bus straight home and go straight inside to my room. I didn't no what else to do, I had nothing I could do it seemed. Nothing at all took my interest, I shied away from people because I feared them being ass holes and setting me off. Then I would get kicked out and that brought up the other reason to be good and also why I ran to my room after school. She looked worse and worse each day. She didn't talk or move or do anything really. It was a good day when she just left her room and that was usually only the days she had to see a psychologist or see another doctor. I was so horribly worried for her. Dad said there was a really good doctor for her to see her and he also started to try to explain that there was a really nice spa that she might have to stay at to get better. He tried to make it sound like a retreat or luxury hotel, when in reality he was describing the nut house he moved her for. So we could be close if she had to be admitted. He was scared, I could see it in his eyes. Which intern horrified me. Once again I could see no hope. I think a big part of him thought moving her here would fix everything, or at least make it good enough to keep hiding it from us. But the way she sat and stared into nothingness and couldn't even seem to care enough to talk anymore made me see it straight away. My mother wanted to kill herself.
Getting in trouble wasn't an option anymore, my problems had to be dealt with by me.
I had been waiting for a letter from Bell but when it came another letter came with it from Xavier. I tore his open first, kind of worried seeing as he rarely wrote. It seemed like something was wrong but I couldn't tell what really. He said that he was thinking maybe I should talk to Bell on the phone, that the next time she came over he would try calling. He said he thought she seemed a bit lonely but nothing to worry about, she had Jacob there to be her friend, but still he wanted me to talk to her. I was excited about talking to her, I missed her voice and now all I could think was that there was something wrong. He insisted over and over that everything was ok, but how could I believe that. Xavier had written once and told me how his father and billy often drank together and that he was pretty sure his mother would leave him soon, he said the only down side to that, that he could see was that he might not be able to pass letters along if they moved far.
After a few months of living here I could tell it wasnt going to get easier. I was always going to want to run home to where we belonged. I liked nothing about it, not that i gave anything a chance.
After a few hours in my room I would wait on the front step for Dad to get home.
His car turned around the corner and watched as he made his way down the street and slowly pull into the driveway. He never seemed to arrive without looking at me like he was ecstatic to see me, like I was the his favorite person in the world.
He sat next to me and folded his jacket over his knees.
"How is she" he asked pulling a cigarette from his hidden pack under a loose brick on the step.
"Quiet, she's in her room." I answered. Looking straight ahead.
"She gonna be OK dad?."
He inhaled deeply on the cigarette before looking at me and I could see the cluelessness in his eyes and he just shrugged like a moron. "I don't no son. I used to think we would all be OK one day but know." he didn't finish he just looked straight ahead again. It might seem harsh but I think he knew better then to lie.
"Havnt you got any hope left Dad" I asked just curiously Looking over at him.
"I do. But I'm worried it's false hope." he admitted flicking the cigarette into the garden. I thought for a second and smiled.
"false or not. It's still hope. That's good. Its something."
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