Edward and Bella are born and raised together, There life is sheltered and untouched by horror until tragedy strikes killing Bella's father in a horrible accident and everything they had is taken from them and Edward is driven insane trying to get back to her. and what they once had. All Human Twilight FanFic
(This story deals with Abuse , Drug use & Suicide, Please be prepared for this.)
10. Everything thats mine
Rating 0/5 Word Count 6692 Review this Chapter
"LET ME THE FUCK GO XAVIER" I screamed and struggled as Xavier , Raven and Marcus held me down in the back seat of the jeep while Makin yelled at us from the drivers seat. Speeding down the old back roads with his lights of.
"STOP THE CAR MAKIN , LET ME OUT." I screamed through the sob's so loud that my throat scratched and hurt.
"WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE THEM. ." Xavier's arms came around me tighter. "LISTEN TO ME BELL." , "NO LET ME THE FUCK OUT" I cried hopelessly not stop for a second to listen to him , Edward was gone and I had lost Em in the crowd only minutes after arriving the cinema car park. "EM'S FINE , HE GOT AWAY." I couldn't help but keep fighting even though he had answered me before I had the chance to ask.
I had to get to him. I had to get to at least one of them.
I screamed and broke down but Xavier never let me go no matter how hard I fought. I couldn't believe any of them. They left him there so , how do I no there not just doing what he would want and not tell me that Em went the wrong way. "Why did you let him do that." I cried into Xavier. He pulled me back slightly looking me in the eye's "You and I both know that I have no choice in any stupid thing he does. He makes his own decisions."
I reached into my pocket and pulled my phone out and dialed Em, Raven sat next to me on Marcus's lap with her eye's locked into mine. I shook my head at her , freaking out more and more with each unanswered ring. "What if he's hurt." Raven looked at Makin , and then climbed into the front seat. "Where are you going." she asked when she sat next to him , she didn't seem to worried with how extremely fast we seemed to be going. "We have to go back" she said when he didn't answer , he shook his head and kept driving.
"MAKIN" she said grabbing his arm. "I'M TAKING HER HOME , HE'S GOING TO BE IN SHIT, AND ALL HE ASKED WAS TO GET HER OUT OF THERE." He yelled startling Raven , "If you want to go back that's fine. We will. But i'm taking her home." Makin was furious , I had never seen him so angry before and by the look on Raven's face neither had she. Raven nodded and sat back in the seat.
We pulled up outside of town far away from everything , Even Eddies house. We sat in the dark for what felt like the longest time , even though I'm sure it was only a few minutes, but my heart was racing so much that everything was horribly intensified.
The four of us sat unmoving waiting for Makin and Xavier to decide what to do. I couldn't think straight enough to listen to them talk. I felt like ripping my skin off because I couldn't get to him. I was loosing it and he wasn't here and I need him , it made me furious at him. But at the same time I hated myself. It felt like this was all over fucking POPCORN. I prayed that Edward was not close enough to hear Mike scream out crap to me but when he flew past me it was clear he had heard everything.
All his anger that he had been storing up for Jacob was released on the group of local boy's but as soon as the fight spread to more then just Edward and Mike , Xavier's boys ran with full force to defend him with out a second thought , most of which he didn't even know. When the sound of the sirens came it was like the invisible line between the two groups disappeared and the one's that could ran together.
"OK , I'll meet you back here in a three hours if everything goes OK." Xavier said with his arms still protectively locked around me. "Call us if anything Fucks up." Makin said as Xavier opened the door placing me out side closely following.
Raven suddenly turned me back to face her, "It's gonna be OK baby. I promise." she hugged me and kissed my cheek trying to make me feel safe but it was impossible. I couldn't answer her I just held on to her for as long as I could. "C'mon Bells." Xavier took my hand and started dragging me into the dark woods that was barly lit by the moon. Raven jumped back into the car and they disappeared in seconds leaving Xavier and I alone as he tried to get me to move as fast as I could into the Forrest in the direction of my house.
"We've got to move fast Bell's." I ran at his side but I couldn't stop the anxious feeling that seemed to be suffocating me. Xavier on the other hand was on a complete adrenalin rush from the fight still. He was on a mission and his determination to get me home as fast as possible made no real seance to me , Or why we were running instead of driving, I struggled to breathe while I ran but my heart hurt and I was worried it might escape my chest.
"Hey." Xavier stopped and braced my arms examining my eyes while he spoke as if he had just snapped out of the driven daze he was in , "Hey ,you OK?" he said while he looked me up and down. "Did you get hurt when you.." I pulled my arms from his grips before he could finish , not being able to help myself from glaring at him in the darkness , "I'm fine Xavier" I said continuing to walk but he reached out and grabbed my arm softly stopping me. "Bell it looked like he hit you when you where trying to stop him." I couldn't help but get defensive , "He didn't know I was there , and he didn't hit me." he shook his head , "Its not the fucking point Bell. He didn't think , he just acted like always." I hated him for thinking he would ever intend to put me in any kind of pain."I AM FINE" I snapped at him " he put you in danger." he shook his head at the thought and looked through me like his mind was ticking over trying to understand why he snapped ,
Because with Xavier there was always 'more to it'.
I didn't buy the shit he talked about being stupid. I had never seen any sign of an idiot when I looked at him. He was one of the smartest people I had ever met. "He doesn't mean to do these things." I said trying to plead his case to the only person I had ever seen Edward connect with, who wasn't family or me.
"I'll back him up to the end Bell , Always. I have done everything I can but he just won't let it go. I'm sorry but I fucking hate him for it , because he's got everything but he's willing to just throw it away. To end up back in a cage." I knew he was right , and I had no answer. It felt sometimes like none of us really knew him. Because no one knew what happened to him that night.
I pulled my hand from his again and stormed of knowing he was close behind. "I love him too you know." he said faintly , I looked back knowing he did , I knew he was just worried and I did'nt want to admit that his fist had hit my arm harshly before Xavier grabbed me and moved me far away before running back into the riot. I also knew my lie's didn't work because he had seen the whole thing because he was trying to pull Edward of Mike as well before he killed him.
Xavier walked up to my side again and we both started running as fast as we could , "This way." I knew we were close when I saw one of my old trails that led to the clearing by Eddie's house. We moved so fast I didn't think of any danger.
Xavier was a few steps behind when I looked at the end of the dark trail and saw a huge figure hiding in the shadows. I stopped and in a second I felt Xavier grab me and pull me behind him shielding me with his body only a few feet away from the stranger. The second Edward was gone my darkest fear of Jacob returning was coming true at the worst possible moment , Xavier didn't stand a chance alone. I shook and grabbed on to Xavier and started to pull him back the way we came but still not wanting to turn my back on him.
"Bell?" Emmett's voice almost dropped me to the ground ,I ran from Xavier to him leaping into his arms , finally feeling some kind relief.
"Are you alright." "I'm OK" he answered softly before he suddenly started to freak out again , "Are you OK" he said pulling me back to look at me like Xavier did , "I'm OK.".
"OK , I'll call you in the morning., I have to go" before I could say anything Xavier was gone back the way we had come , "Quick.We have to get Inside." Emmett ran me to my bedroom window. "In , now." he said ordering me to move faster. I fell in to the window in the rush , followed by Emmett. He grabbed me and pulled me to my feet just as the light was switched on. "What are you two doing." Carlisle stood at the door looking at us frozen in our tracks, "Is that blood on you both." Emmett stepped forward towards Carlisle , "Dad we have a fucking problem."
Emmett seemed to have no problem convincing Carlisle to tell the police, Who would be here any second, That we had been here all night.
No one would of ever seen us coming or going , Em's and Edwards cars had been here all day and night because they had been drinking, and no one saw us get back her after the fight. Suddenly the run through the Forrest made seance.
The four of us sat in the kitchen while Em explained what happened to us when we were in town. The knock at the door came suddenly while Em was in the middle of a ramble trying to make them understand that Eddy didn't mean to loose it.
"Bell , " My head snapped up to Carlise , realising I had not said a word since we got back. "Go up to your room and have a shower." I ran up to my room with Emmet not far behind me, heading to his own room leaving them to lie to the Police.
I closed the door behind me and looked around realising this whole room and its feeling of safety didn't work with out him. The Walls started to close in on me and I felt trapped. I ran into the bathroom and for some reason I tried to lock the door behind me unable to help myself but I couldn't stop my hands from shaking long enough to do it, in frustration I slammed my hand into the door. I swung around giving up and looked into the mirror and saw why he told me to have a shower , I was a mess. I turned the shower on and tore my clothes of wanting to get the blood , dirt and tear ruined make up that ran down my face. The blood wasn't mine , I'm not sure if it was Eddy's , Em's , Xavier's or some one else involved.
I rushed into the shower under the hot water and scrubbed at my skin not being able to stop the tears that where coming. No matter how much I tried it was impossible , I broke down and couldn't move. I pressed my face into the cold tiles as I let the water fall over me feeling guilty and sick to my stomach. I wanted this to stop.
All of it.
Everything felt so loud and painful , way to much to bare. I could breathe or do anything but cry wishing that he didn't doom him self with the way he felt about me. The bathroom door was slowly opened and I couldn't move or care because knew it wasn't him. I tried to quiet my sobs but gave up fast realising it was useless. The sliding glass opened to a big towel , "Come on sweetie." Esme stood with the towel opened in her arms , I walked into it and she wrapped me up in it , using another to dry my hair and rub my back as she sat me on the side of the bathtub.
Moments like this always hurt because it reminded me of when I was younger and she was my mother without any strain , she was just mine and I loved her to death. I remembered her washing my hair for me when I was little , Telling me how much she loved the colour of it while she wiped it behind my ears. She was the only mother I had ever known , That thought pressed my face into her stomach while she stood beside me drying my hair. Even with her right here I still missed her and that broke my heart.
I put Edwards robe on and laid on the bad. "When will he be back." I asked after she kissed me on the cheek and got up to leave me. "He should be back by morning , The police want to hold him as long as they can." I nodded and didn't say anything else. I knew she would stay if I asked and more then anything I wanted her too but I just couldn't ask it of her seeing as I just got her son arrested.
I sat alone for hours, even when I heard Esme come back to check on me I just pretended to be asleep. I hated being alone in here and I was afraid to go to sleep with out him. I felt like I was insane when I was alone.
Why couldn't I just be OK until morning when he got back. I wrapped myself in the sheet and got the box of the book shelf to roll myself a joint. Not that it was easy , the more steady I tried to keep my hands made them shake more spilling everything along the way. I prayed that if I smoked enough I could get to sleep and keep me asleep until he got home , but when I woke twice through the night alone. I clutched onto his mattress, as if I would fall of if I let go.
I had not slept alone since I was twelve, and even then it was horrible to. I remember it feeling just like this. Feeling pathetic and hating it because when I was a kid I felt like strong and secure he made sure of it. Then Charlie died and fear set in.
I used to laugh on the inside at how Edward thought I was strong.Even after Charlie was gone. He thought I would judge him for trying to kill himself , How could I when he is only guilty of attempting something I was to scared to.. Its not that I didn't think about it. Who wouldn't want an escape from hell. A release from the pain. I understood why he thought I would be mad , a younger me would of been furious. But after everything, I couldn't hate him for it. I just hated myself for not being there for him ,when I was the only one he needed to survive, He ran to save me but I never once ran to him. Because I was horrified of the consequences when I was finally caught. He never saw how brave he was , it was always covered by his loyalty to me. As if I have always been his responsibility but he never saw that he was mine as well.
I stared out the window watching the sun come up from the warmth of his bed , trying to stay awake so I didn't have another dream without him to wake me , but it seemed like a fight I would loose. My eyes hurt from trying to keep them open after crying so much. I couldn't fight the urge to sleep and once again gave in to the nightmares that longed to pull me in. It was as if his absence screamed at me while I slept , taking advantage of my loneliness. While throwing everything it had at me.
I could see those few seconds that it took Billy to close the lid to the chest , my fingers clawed at it from the inside until my hands were bloody , Screaming for a saviour that would never come.
My tear filled eyes snapped opened and before I could move his arms came around me and all thoughts of how mad I was disappeared momentarily. I felt his lips hit the side of my face and his body press into mine , "Its OK baby. It's over" I turned to yell at him ,
Because it wasn't OK.
Nothing was and he had made sure of it.
But when I saw him looking at me with his face covered in bruises and a split over his eyebrow that had been stitched up , but none of that didn't seem to worry him and a how he looked into my eyes as if screaming for forgiveness, made me crumble.
I reached up and pulled his face to mine pressing our lips firmly together and wanting nothing more then to forget everything. As I ran my hands over his cool skin and my lips roughly ran from his lips to his kneck. While his hands remained steady and unmoving on my back .
He could seance my urgency and suddenly I couldn't help but press my face into his neck. I wrapped my arms around him holding him way to tight., suddenly his still hands pulled me close like he was expecting this break down. "I didn't think baby." I couldn't talk , I didn't no what to say anymore.
All the horrible things that I had ready to make him feel bad were useless because he already felt guilty enough, But I couldn't help but hold on to him like I hadn't seen him in years. His body stiffened under me and he slowly leaned back to look at me , "Were you OK last night." I bit my lip wanting to lie, but I couldn't think fast enough. He pulled me back to him quickly not needing an answer and then strong feeling of being pathetic came on strong. I pulled away from him and started trying to defend myself.
"I just haven been alone since I was twelve , I'm just not used to it" I said wiping the tears but he pulled me back into his arms rubbing my back soothingly. "Its OK baby, I'm here now." he kept saying that , and I wondered who he was trying to convince.
He laid with me all morning but I couldn't wipe the stress the long night gave me. "Whats going to happen." I asked when my sob's finally started to slow, "Let's not talk about that now." That ment it was bad , and going to get worse, anyone who could see the look in his eyes could understand that much.
The sound of a beep came from outside , Edward looked down at me for a second before getting up to look at the window. "Its Xavier." he said looking out the window ,raising a finger to him , "He must want to talk , you coming down." he asked while he started putting his jeans and shoes on , I bit my lip and shook my head. "I'll be down in a minute , I just want to get dressed and do my hair." I stood up and he walked over to me wrapping his big fluffy robe around me , thinking I would be cold even though he hadn't put a shirt on yet , "You'll be OK? ," He said stopping at the door looking back at me, obviously debating on leaving me alone.
I forced a smile at him even though it was hard to look at him with his face so banged up , For some reason I couldn't stop thinking about how Jacob looked the last time Billy came home and ruined our small piece of happiness.
I didn't want to face Xavier right now , so even though I wanted to follow I went in to the bathroom started straightening my hair and doing my make up anything to fill the time until he got back.
My hands shook and once again the walls started closing in on me. It had been no longer then ten minutes before I heard someone come in the bedroom , I thought it was Esme checking on me so I didn't worry until the door suddenly flung open.
Edward was standing behind me in a second, before I could move from in front of the mirror . I didn't no what was going on , I was still in shock from him bursting through the door with bloodshot eyes that were filling with tears more and more by the second.
He didn't talk he just pulled the right shoulder of my robe down and lifted the sleeve of my shirt revealing the bruise that I got when his fist flew back from hitting Mike , and collided with the top of my arm , knocking me into Xavier who pulled me out of the way to safety.
He stared into the mirror at the bruise and in a second the tears overflowed , his jaw clenched and muscles all tightened, and suddenly turning as white as a ghost , "Eddy it was an accident." I said trying to touch him but he pulled away in the most heart braking way , unable to let himself accept any kind of compassion especially from me. He stood behind me frozen but his whole being seemed to be screaming. He turned away from me smashing his face into the wall.
I grabbed his arm again, but he pulled free from me looking in the other direction and pulling himself away. "Eddy it's OK , I't doesn't hurt." I begged as I grabbed on to him pleading that he stop and listen "ugh ooh FUCK." he said before I could finish pulling free from me and running from the room , I closed my robe and chased him through the house past every one who had no idea what was going on.
Before I could get to him he was in his car and speeding off down the road , leaving me standing alone , I started to run over to Em's car knowing he always kept the keys in the ignition. "Bell , leave him." I turned to see Xavier standing by his car that I hadn't even noticed was there.
I couldn't think straight, I was so angry with him.
I ran at him and he remained unmoving looking me straight in the eyes. I could hear Carlisle and Esme behind me asking what was happening , but I kept rushing at him , I grabbed him and slapped him across the face , shocking even me. "ISABELLA SWAN" Carlisle yelled at the top of his lungs behind me , Xavier held the side of his face with one hand and held the other up at Carlisle. "Its OK , I just need to talk to her." I didn't look over my shoulder at them but I heard the front door close. "Why the fuck would you do that." I said through my teeth pushing him into his car. "Do you want to throw him over the edge" I said pushing him again into his car.
Xavier grabbed my wrists to stop me from pushing him again but it didn't stop me from trying to hurt him more even though he seemed unaffected by it.
He was always calm and knowing.
It pissed me off.
"He need's to wake up Bell , and your the only thing he gives a shit about" I snatched my wrists from him. "God knows where he is right now." I knew why he left so fast , He was going to leave me and never come back. That's why I didn't want him to know. There was no need for it , It would only cause unnecessary pain.
"he's just blowing of steam Bell" He didn't know what he was talking about ,
"He's gone" I said looking in the direction he left. Xavier almost laughed and grabbed my arm's again.
"Hey , Don't be fucking stupid. You call him and he will come running back." he said smiling "Its what he does Bell." It just seemed like a fantasy that he would be like any other man and not leave me.
"Swan listen to me..." I looked at him like he asked but couldn't wipe the anger of my face. "I thought it was all about you , But its not. There's more to this , He's got you back and he's still mad.
But he needs to stop this shit now, Or he is going to end up in jail for allot longer then a couple of weeks.." I fell into him because I couldn't hold myself up ,I grabbed onto him as I almost fell onto to ground. "Fuck i'm sorry , I thought he told you." I looked up at him searching his face for some sign that this wasn't true ,
"It wont be long , there just trying to scare him. Like I'm trying to. If we find Jacob and we will.
Eddie will kill him ,
No matter what bullshit he say's, I know him ,
He will fucking kill him.
Then he'll do real time." , It was all to much, I looked at him blankly and shut down.
"I'm sorry I hit you." I said as I started to walk inside.
"Bell your the only one he listens too , So you gotta start speaking up now, Stop letting him get away with everything." .
I left him there and went inside and ran back up to our room and grabbed my jeans and a sweater and one of Eddie's hoodies , "What's going on.?" Esme and Carlisle stood in the doorway behind me. "I can take care of it." I said not looking at them as I walked passed them. "BELLA." "I SAID I CAN HANDEL IT " I screamed back at Carlisle in frustration as I slammed the front door behind me and ran into the woods crying. With in seconds the wolfs ran tightly to my sides as I moved through the woods as fast as I could with them seeing Scouts excitement when she realised where we were going.
I walked up to the door and got the key that Carlisle gave me to what was apparently my house. Edward never once asked why I talked with Carlisle in his office. Everything that was mine was being returned to me. Things that I never knew I owned. He said Edward didn't want me to know what I really was to Billy and there was no real use to it, not until now.
I walked in and switched the lights on and made my way up the stairs leaving the dogs behind me waiting at the bottom of the stairwell.
I had told Carlisle that I wanted to move back here when everything was sorted out and Edward agreed , But I never brought it up because I just didn't want to get into anything to heavy with him. I didn't tell him anything that has gone through my head since all this happened. I just want everything to be easy. But I probably shouldn't hold my breath.
I hated that I never spoke to him about these things , about any of the important things but I just wanted us so badly to look forward , but we cant move from this spot until we deal with the past. From here on out I had to face up to what had happened to us before it chocked us.
I sat on the floor in my old room that was completely empty except for the dust piles. I couldn't breathe when I thought to long about what I was going to have to do.
What if Xavier was wrong ,
I prayed that he was right and this sick feeling in my gut was for nothing.
I pulled my phone out and started texting , to much of a coward to call in case I was rejected.
'Eddy. I'm at Charlie's House. Can you come here now. I need you.'
I hit send and almost lost it again as I felt the tears hit my cheeks, wondering what I would do if he just never came back.
I closed my eyes and remembered my fathers voice running through the house to me.
I felt so close to him when I was here.
That meant something didn't it.
This was where I was meant to be , this is where I think he wanted me to end up.
I heard a noise coming up the stairs but It was to fast to be Edward so I assumed it was Scout or Rage and continued to cry on the floor alone,
But it was Edward.
He walked over and dropped in front of me still shirtless showing the scattered bruises.
"I'm so sorry Bell." I wanted to tell him it was OK , To take his pain away. But Xavier was right. Letting him of the hook was not the answer. "You have to stop this Eddy. You have to stop doing this."
He looked up at me obviously not expecting my reaction to his apology.
"I want to tell you Everything and I want you to do the same. Leave noting out. Not one thing." He suddenly looked horrified and I knew why. Because he would never lie to me if I asked for the truth. He closed his eyes and took a deep breathe and his lower lip started to shake as he exhaled."I'll go first.' I said reaching out to him and taking his hand, grateful he would finally let me touch him again. He agreed but looked fearful even though I said I would start.
I explained how after the last time I saw him everything got worse , that it became the hell I had been waiting for. The nightmares I had when I was younger really did come true.
"I tried to get away from him but I wasn't strong enough." Edward's heart shattered in front of me, but I had to tell him.
He couldn't speak or move he just looked at me with shock and horror as his eyes became red and his jaw clenched. "He pushed my hands in and locked me in , I screamed and clawed at the walls of the trunk for days until my hands were bloody but I was trapped." , "Jesus Bell," escaped his mouth and I could see it was allot to take in, maybe to much but I couldn't stop. Instead I did what he did and took my sweater of leaving me in nothing but a singlet , and lifted my hair up. I explained how when he used to come back looking for money to continue his drinking binge he would always loose it, The worst were the scattered scars that covered me from when he had thrown me into the glass coffee table forever leaving me ashamed of my back.
I never stopped for a breath for and I almost didn't want too , because I had kept all of this horrible stuff to my self for far to long, I explained how Mike had harassed and threatened me for years , he was obsessed with me and I had no one who I could trust to help me.
I told him how Jacob took me away from any friend that I have ever made and ultimately controlled my life and I had never realised just how much he did until I was with Edward. I explained how I felt like I was on a high when I went out with Raven and the girls , I felt incredibly free just going shopping. He hadn't said a word and I had been talking for what felt like hours. I looked into his eyes wondering what he would do , I reached out again and took his hand praying he wouldn't pull away.
He took my hand in both of his and looked up at me , "Why didn't you want to tell me this before." he asked carefully trying to hide the tears that had escaped. I didn't answer because I couldn't bring myself to. He saw my obvious hesitation and knew exactly what I was thinking, "I promise I wont ever try to kill myself again Bell , no matter how bad things get. You don't have to worry about me , I'm not gonna leave you ever again. I'm so sorry for everything Bell, all of it, There's no excuse for hurting you or putting you in that situation."I cant stop thinking about how I want to kill him for what he did , and last night I lost it." I nodded letting him know I understood. He braced my shoulders lightly , "But there's no excuse like I said. I fucked up last night and I'll never forgive myself for hurting you." I wanted to tell him he had it wrong , It was an accident but he stopped me.
"I have to tell you something , I don't no if you'll be mad but.." I nodded urging him to continue.
He took a deep breath and searched the ground like he was looking for the right words.
"When I knew I could get out of the hospital I asked Xavier to check on you and see what was going on , That's how I knew what school you were going to , Its also how I heard the rumour around town about what a mess Billy's whole family had become , I knew Sam left and that he was probably violent.
I lost it Bells ,
I made Xavier find him. His friends wanted me to go to the police but I had already tried that when we were younger and I knew we could do a better job.
He was in a town near by, at a local pub. So we approached him. I told him I wanted him to fuck off , that I would be home soon and I didn't want him to interfere again.
But like I thought , he wouldn't listen.
So Xavier gave him twenty five thousand dollars to leave and never come back. I knew giving him that kind of money in the state he was in was a death sentence , But I did it anyway."
I could feel my heart pound , I didn't no what to say or do.I couldn't condone it but at the same time I wouldn't condemn it either.
He done the one thing Jacob couldn't do and that was to make his father disappear from our lives. "Do you know what happened to him after?" I asked shocked by the information still. He shook his head and lifted it to look me in the eyes. "I don't know where he is I never saw him again , But I'm not sorry for this Bell not after what you just told me." I could except that and be grateful he did , because there was always the chance we wouldn't of both survived another unexpected visit from Billy. No one can ever understand what it meant to us when Billy had that look in his eyes. It was clear that we had lost him , In the end he hated us both.
"You saved me." I said bluntly leaving him as shocked as I was when he told me. He searched me for signs of hatred that once again he wouldn't find , he was not as horrible as he thought he was, He was just reckless. But the thing is, he wasn't always like this.
"Eddie I want you to tell me everything you remember about the car accident. All of it." Suddenly he his head shook at my words like I had just asked him If I could saw his leg off.
I realised why , and it tore me open to understand it,
"You've never told anyone have you." he looked down assuring I was right. Not his father , Em , Xavier or any doctor he met in or out of the hospital. "Eddy you have to tell me everything , you have to , to let it go. You cant carry this Eddy. Its eating you"
I have never seen him like this before , he had left the room, He was some where else in his mind.
I wanted to pull him into my arms and tell him he didn't have to talk about it , kiss him and show him that I love him, but these distractions done us no good.
But It broke my heart to see him like this, to know that he didn't want to talk about it because it was still fresh in his mind , only god knows what tricks were played on him while he sleeps that would bring this man to tears.
I remember every thing about what he was like when we were kids. He had sweetness in his eyes and silk in his touches , but it was all gone after that night , his eyes were filled with sadness and regret and his hand shook constantly even though he tried to hide it from me , I knew he was this anxious mess who wanted the pain of our lost happiness to disappear , maybe even make himself disappear with it.
I reached over and grabbed his jumper that I had brought seeing as he had been running around on a cold day shirtless , I leaned forward and put it over his head and helped him into it.
"I love you no matter what." I whispered to him as his hands covered his face from me ,
"Please don't make me tell you Bell." he was begging through sobs but all I could think about was his anger consuming him until he was in jail or worse ,
I wondered what people like Billy were like when they were young. At what point does the violent side take over and control you.
I couldn't loose him like that.
Not in any way.
"No , Tell me baby , Tell me everything now." The more uncontrollably upset he got the more I could see this was what had him in its grips , I could almost see a hand around his throat stopping him from ever being able to breathe properly. Trying to drag him back down.
I simply couldn't allow that.
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