Edward and Bella are born and raised together, There life is sheltered and untouched by horror until tragedy strikes killing Bella's father in a horrible accident and everything they had is taken from them and Edward is driven insane trying to get back to her. and what they once had. All Human Twilight FanFic
(This story deals with Abuse , Drug use & Suicide, Please be prepared for this.)
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I didn't tell anyone. I don't know why. It was almost like I didn't want anyone to know. Every day since he got back everything started to become clearer. I never really forgot I just pushed it away. But he made me able to see again. We hardly spoke to each other , at first I thought it was just shock , or maybe he just didn't know what to say , But that's not it. I can remember more of how much I loved him then actually remembering why. The feelings were there and every second with him brought me closer to remembering why I loved him so much , So much that I didn't want to lie and now I think that's why he doesn't say much either. Those feelings mean something , they deserved to be respected not tainted with lie's.
I did my best but all I wanted to do was ask 'What the Hell?' "Where the fuck have you been" but it was hard to start screaming at a stranger. I didn't even know if he felt what I felt and then when I saw Esme in the car with him it all came back to me , I was really really happy , like crazy happy. She was like my mother and I loved her like one, and the thought that these people were actually my family not Jacob scarred the crap out of me and I desperately tried to act like I hadn't seen her and just continued to wait for Edward like usual. Was he horrified , like I was. He says we were each others world but in my mind theirs only ever been Jacob.
Someone who would be alone with out me. I wondered if he could even handle finding out that the Cullen's were back in town. He was so jealous , especially since the whole Mike thing. The guilt was horrible , like a knot I could not untie in my stomach. I knew I had to tell him but knowing how he would react made it hard. I mean he could turn around and tell me not to see him anymore and then it would be over. He will loose it, I know he will. Because he will think he's loosing me , and he may be right. He will realise my good mood is based around someone else. That there's a million things Edward can give me what he cant.
This wasn't about boyfriends and girlfriends , Jacob and I were never official...we just were. It was a slow transition but one day I woke up in his bed with his arms around me kissing my neck and I just realised that he and I were an it. We never spoke about us , about our relationship we were just us , our relationship happened so slowly that when I realised there was a relationship it seemed weird to bring it up.
I understood Jacob's's jealously and would defend it to anyone , no one knew us or knew our life. What I had been through with him binded us together to the point where I didn't really feel safe when I wasn't with him, I wasn't scared all the time , I just didn't feel a hundred per cent safe when I was away from him. He had protected me when I needed protecting , over the last few years we had gone through hell together and I truly believe he was the one who dragged us through it , he turned the cuts into scars that reminded me of him risking his life over and over trying to save me.
His love was intense and strong to the point where it drove him mad , to the point where I drove him mad. I owed him for all those things he done for me , all those times he saved me. He knew I felt that way , and he brought it up almost every time we fought. I could never repay him for the things he's done and the beatings he's taken.
He rolled over on his bed and looked at me on searching the floor for my other shoe. "What are you doing its like five am?' he mumbled still half asleep. "and its Saturday , come back to bed." he kept babbling but I had found my other shoe and started to slip it on. "I'm just going for a walk , I feel like getting some exercise.' he looked at me raising his eyebrow "Your going to go walking in the woods." he asked in disbelief. "Yeah , why?. I wont be long.'. he shook his head and lay-ed back down curling up under the blanket. "I thought you didn't like the woods because of the wolfs." he was being sarcastic and also trying to get me not to go. I had told him a few times over the last few years that I had seen wolfs in the woods and that they stared deep in to my eyes and horrified me with there stillness as if getting ready to attack but he never believed me. He always said if I was that close to wild wolfs in the woods I would be dead. Like I could imagine huge animals like that right affront of me. It did kind of make me not really want to go but I shook it off and decided that they never did me any harm so why be afraid. I put on my coat and ran out the back door and into the woods. It was stupid. To follow a dream like this. But It felt so real and I knew the spot. I knew I could find it and then I could feel stupid and go home and know one would know.
I walked with ease at first but as I got deeper in to the Forrest my chest started to tighten and I thought seriously about turning back. Especially when I looked over my shoulder to see that my house was no longer in sight. Breathe Bell Breath , this is silly. It a nice morning and nothing to worry about....It didn't help so I decided to just give into the hysteria and run like crazy in the direction of the tree I had dreamt of last night. By the time I reached It I was shaking like a leak and it was hard to steady my hands and breathing long enough to move all the dirt and leaves from the hollow tree but when I did I dropped to my knees and no longer was afraid. I was stunned. The large solid glass jar sat covered in dirt and moss. I pulled it out and would the top of and opened it to pull out the folded envelopes inside. There were dozens all for me not just from Edward but from some one called Xavier....That was the person Edward had spoken of. I was curious and opened one of them first.
The letters were simple and short,
'Everythings gone to hell. We need to talk'.
then the second,
'Bell. Whats Happening are you OK. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU.Something really bad has happened'.
there were heaps of letters from Xavier and they all out dated the ones from Edward , his letters kept coming for months after Edwards mysteriously stopped. I can remember keeping as many as I could in the jar so Billy wouldn't find them. Every time I thought of billy I always had an involuntary shudder that's made my heart and soul sink , my in tire being associated him with complete and utter darkness.
I started to read through the letters from Edward and I started to remember the reasons why. He spoke of his heart and how it was mine and that with out me it didn't work any way. his words of love were soaked with sorrow and aching, the feeling of longing was written between every line and all I could do was wonder what happened for this all to just disappear. He was my Everything.
I remember climbing into his bed and holding him close and him whispering in my ear that he loved me. this was real. It was. I knew now why I had pushed him away because he left me and it hurt me and broke me, But why don't I remember these last letter from Xavier , they are the ones that were never opened and as hard as I try I cant remember him leaving for good. As our child hood became more and more clear I realise there were holes that had not just been burnt but pushed to the darkest depths that I could never reach, and now Edwards silence that I had noticed seem to scream with secrets he was keeping that I needed to know.
His letters broke me in ways I can never understand because the more I would read the more I remembered reading them for the first time , I remember sitting here in this very spot crying into the dirt that my fingers dug into in frustration , I had lost. I remember that , feeling like I had lost , it hurt so much that I couldn't breathe and all I wanted to do was curl up and die but there was no one to curl up with. I craved his arms and familiar love that felt like home and gave me peace , my father had died and all I wanted to do was to be with the only person I loved on this earth but I couldn't do that and it smashed me into nothing.
I couldn't move an inch. I was afraid if i did this feeling of safety would be gone and I would loose this clarity , the flashes became longer and more stretched out like if I just focused I could see it all unfold again and all I could do was cry. I wanted to understand why so much that it hurt and then it was all I could think about , like it took control of every part of me, even my feet that suddenly took me tearing through the thick wood and as I ran I remembered running to his bedroom window , this very trail lead right to his house. I don't know what I was thinking , for some reason , I felt like I had the right to just climb into his window when the sun had barely come up and demand answers from someone who I was only just thinking was pretty much a stranger.
But still it didn't stop me and I realised more and more as I flew through the woods , why that night on the motor cycle I felt so free , its because this used to be me , I used to run free every where like there was no weight or darkness in this world. I ran up through his yard to the window that brought a smile to my face because I remember what that window used to mean to me when I was younger. To remember what it was to feel so much for some one else , to need someone so much that you can not wait a second longer then you have to before you see them again.
I slid the window open and pulled myself through the window praying that he took back the same room that he used to have , but what I found brought instant tears to my eyes and I forgot the reasons why I ran their in the first place , Edward lay tangled in the sheets sweating and crying in his sleep.
I wondered if I should leave but in the second it took me to think that his pained voice whispered my name in agony and in that instant his muscles tightened and his face pressed into his mattress spilling his tears on to it , and I just couldn't bare it and ran to him and landed on the bed next to him and started running my fingers through his hair "Wake up Eddy , Ssshhh its OK," but it did nothing and his pain flashed across his face and I gripped his shoulders and shook his almost violently pleading that he wake up in dread of what he was dreaming that could put such a painful look on his face. His eyes shot open and his boy pushed away from me colliding with the headboard , his red eyes filled with tears and torment and he starred at me as if he thought he was still asleep, Suddenly I could see him again. My Eddy , In his eyes I could see that same scared little boy and I knew him again , he was no stranger , I loved him and he was afraid of me like I would disappear if he touched me . He lay there wrapped in the sheet covered in sweat , his long sleeved t shirt clung to his body "Its OK Eddy , its just a bad dream." I tried to soothe him but he just closed his eyes tightly and I couldn't take it for a second longer and climbed onto his chest wrapping my arms around his neck. "Your here." he whispered into my hair in disbelief. His arms tensed but suddenly were wrapped around me and he pulled me close to him and breathed scent and then he pressed his face into my neck. I could feel his heart pounding into my chest in sync with mine.
I pulled back to look at him and in his eye. I layed in my bed an hour ago thinking about how I can not loose Jacob but now I look at him and see this pure thing that has never betrayed me like Jacob , that has never known the pain that our relationship has. "I don't know what do." my eyes spilled out with tears as I whispered to him. He reached out and wiped the hair gently from my face and the ran his fingers over me cheek making a shiver run through me to my heart. "I want you back Bell , I want you to come home. This isn't right Bell , You know it otherwise you wouldn't be here. You never belonged there Bell. I don't know what happened to make you forget that but , please Bell." All I wanted to do right now was press my lips to his but I just couldn't , as if Jacob was here behind me right now holding me back. I knew he was right, I was drawn to this place , to that jar of letters...if I didn't belong here then why would any of this matter. Why did I feel this sudden wave of safety from the words on the page or seeing his window.
I wanted him and and now I knew it for sure. I wanted him like I never wanted anything , I craved him even being this close I just wanted more of him , all of him, every part of him and I wasn't prepared for it, I didn't expect any of this but I don't know if it can be ignored or if I want to to try and the longer I do is just lying to Jacob and leading on. "Bell , please come home." and I wanted to , but did he know what this would start , Jacob could kill him or he'll at least kill me but I could see now that I couldn't be afraid of anything because I would die for him , I would kill to stay here in his arms , I looked at him and remembered a boy surrounded by stars who promised a million dreams and I think he could make them all come true,So I guess the real question is what would I do for the love of Edward.
I looked ito his red eyes and smoothed back his hair. Because the answer is clear its obvious, He needed me like I needed him, there where things I had to deal with, and now I could. . "What do you dream about Eddy.' His eyes became redder as they looked into mine and I saw a tear spill out onto his cheek. "you Bell, always you." he whispered as he placed his hands lightly on the sides of my face "I crave you Bell." I closed my eyes and pressed my face to his desperately wanting him more and more. His body lifted so he was sitting up with me on his lap and my legs helplessly wrapped around his waist as if I couldn't help myself but fill any space between us. my hand ran through his hair and pulled his face into my neck and I could fell his hands running up my back and suddenly his lips were pressed to my collar bone and my whole body seem to sing , it didn't feel uncomfortable or strained it just felt right. like I was home.
"Stop." I barely whispered not really wanting to and in an instead he stopped and pulled back to examine me. "I can't do this right now." he searched my eyes and his hands dropped to his side resting on my legs "Is it because of Jacob?' I didn't want to answer because I didn't want to ever hurt him. I didn't want to hurt anyone. "Were kind of together , But ever since you came back all I think about is you, I never wanted him the way I want you." his eyes closed in what looked like relief "But I have to do the right thing by him , and by you. This isn't fair on anyone I said looking down at out entangled body's. I plied myself from him and stood up. I stood by his bed for a moment taking a breathe and desperately trying to figure out what my next move was. "I need a bit of time to tell him , I mean he's gonna....." I paused starring at my feet for a moment. Edward sat on the bed examining my expression. "Bell , your not scared of him are you." I thought about the question and didn't have an answer. I mean I wasnt scared of my Jake , but there was this person he turned into , and if anyone could of seen the way we were raised you wouldn't really be surprised is some of it rubbed of on him. He had never hit me , he had pushed and shoved and thrown things but he had never hit me , but I had never left him for some one else before. "Ive gotta go." I said quickly and walked towards the window in a sudden panic that he would be wondering where i am right now , maybe even looking for me. "Bell you didn't answer my question," I looked at him once more and again didn't want to lie so I just jumped out and ran back into the woods in the direction of home.
Within minutes of waking from the most horrible of torture to the sweetest kind of heaven I was left with a whole new kind of torture as she climbed out the window and disappeared. She was afraid of him , but why. What did she possibly think would come from leaving him , I know break ups are hard and everything but that wasn't it , she was worried about his feelings , she was worried for her self and now so was I. I started to worry about a hundred little things and a million big things all out of my control , I knew it would take her time and I would give her all I need , but there is no way I can keep an eye on her , If Jacob catches me lurking then , he will find out we are back before she gets the chance to tell him and I don't want to do that to her , he obviously means something to her and that's why she wouldn't kiss me and stopped me , because she owed him .
Suddenly I looked down at my covered skin by the long arm shirt and started to sweat. I had been thinking of doing something fairly extreme since I had been back around Bell , I knew the question would arise soon about where I had been and why I didn't find a way back to her and I had every intention of tell her the 'where' I just didnt want to explain the 'why' and with that I was dialing Makins number to ask a very important question. Makin made a meeting for me to have with Raven at hotel room in the city. I had three hours until I had to leave and there was no reason I could think not to do it, I think even my parents will understand in the end , It wasnt just because I didn't want to see the look in her eyes when she realised but because I was sick or remembering.
I arrived at the hotel to early in anticipation happily to find Raven already there. "You sure about this Edward ,, its kind of extreme." I smiled at Raven , she was like an older sister and I could see the concern in her eyes , I wanted to keep the mood light but I knew it would be hard for both of us when its staring us both in the face. "Do you think you can help me." I asked , a bit too desperate. She looked down for a second and her purple hair feel infrount of her face and her expression softened , "Of course i'll help Edward. She already had everything set up , she waved her arm in the direction of the chair I walked over and took a deep breathe. I looked over at raven again for any sign that she didn't want to see this but she just smiled weakly at me and I nodded to myself and just did it. I took my shirt off revealing the destruction I had caused. "Fuck Edward." was all she said as she looked over me , she approached fast grabbing my arms and running her fingers over the hideous scars that ran up and down my wrists and chest. "I know , there bad. Can you cover them." she kept looking over them as if creating something in her mind , "They'll always be there , I cant make them disappear but I can maybe camouflage them...what did you use." "Razor Blade." I answered simply as her eyes were still locked on them. "You really made a mess" she said sadly. "Well in my defence I didn't exactly expect to have to live with them." she looked up at me and smiled cheekily at me shaking her head. "Sit down , this might take awhile ," she said sitting on the stool next to mine starting her tattoo gun. "
It didn't hurt as much as thought. It dug and burnt in way I couldn't imagine but it was kind of nice , natural in a way. "She'll still be able to see them Edward" , "I know , its not about that , I just want that part of my life behind me , I don't want people to look at me and see that , I want then to see some thing else , I want her to see something else. I want them to say some thing about me , not what there saying right now. I don't want people to feel sorry for me , especially her."
"Why did you do this Edward?."
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- 13 Nov 12
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