Edward and Bella are born and raised together, There life is sheltered and untouched by horror until tragedy strikes killing Bella's father in a horrible accident and everything they had is taken from them and Edward is driven insane trying to get back to her. and what they once had. All Human Twilight FanFic
(This story deals with Abuse , Drug use & Suicide, Please be prepared for this.)
6. Her Songs
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I could replay that Sunday morning in my head over a hundred times, but I can never change what I tried to do. I wasn't sad or angry , it was beyond that. I was done and with that came what I had been looking for , peace.I thought over and over about how complete I felt when I was in a coma , nothing mattered. It was clear that I had no control over anything but my life , I couldn't control anything but the blood pumping through my veins and the thought of stopping that and with that taking control of the world , because I could stop it. I really could make the world stop , everything bad would just melt away with it. I wouldn't have to see Charlie face in my dreams every night begging me to save him , I left him in there screaming in agony and picked his daughter and ran like a coward. I thought I had forgotten what happened after I got her out of the car but you never really forget anything , Should anyone ever be in pain like that and be conscious , to be aware of everything that's happening , I should of known right then and there that some where between leaving the cinema a happy family and driving down the same road I had my whole life , that some where along the way this place became hell and I knew that nothing would survive , nothing.
I looked in the mirror at the irises under my bloodshot eyes and tried to remember what it was like to not feel like this, but the only thing that came in to my mind , the only thing I ever thought of was her. Every bit of it , Dr Harvey had been trying to help me remember things about the accident , but with that came a whole new kind of longing for her , I thought our life was made up. Maybe I made it a little bit better then it was , but that's bullshit , it was better then I could ever really remember. There were days I had lost , because they seemed small and insignificant but right now those insignificant things are all I think about , to realise she's my everything when there's nothing. Her fingers used to glide lightly over my features when she thought I was asleep , I remember feeling her fingers run over my lips and hearing her whispers of love , and in those moments I was in heaven, she was my heaven. Now there's nothing but me and I know that nothing will survive.
So I give up. I opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the razor blade and looked at its simplicity , knowing what I wanted it for , I thought about nothing but her , I tried to push away anything else because she was the only thing I wanted to see. She was my beginning and will soon be my ending. I had it all once and now its gone and I cant get it back , I cant stand to be alive knowing that her entire existence would be different if I had of at least try to save him. I know this is all real because its the only thing I can ever really feel , I'll never forget for a second , not one bit of it. I cant stand to be alone but with out her I'm alone all the time , I want to change but I cant and with out her I don't want too, because there's no point and remembered my friend telling me how this girls was survivor but never remembered him saying anything like that about me , because I'm a coward.I'm not strong like her and they both knew it. This love has become dark and cold and no good for her.
She said once ,"I would die for you." and I felt my heart brake into a million pieces to see such love in her eyes , to know some one wants you like you want them is the most humbling thing on this earth , because You know the thousand reasons you want them but cant imagine anyone seeing anything like that in you , then to wonder if she feels the same.
For the first time I was happy , complete. Because I knew it was over and I didn't have to try every day and get no where , Now i'll just let go , when I should of loved her all my life. She was better off with out me. Xave was right , she was a survivor, I'm not. I'm weak with out her , I fed of her light and now I just want to keep that dream I had of being with her forever , to keep it bright. But it doesn't change anything because this is the end , and baby I'm sorry. She set me free and made me see the man I was made to be but with out her and her love that man did not exist , how can he when hates himself. Even when I'm with her I all feel is guilt because anything Billy does to her is on me.
He looked into my eyes and screamed in agony and I sat on my knees looking at him , waiting...FOR WHAT! I scream at that boy in my memory , because in my mind its all slowed down and I wonder why he didn't stop the third car that certainly ended Charlies life , He would of died no matter what , I also know that. But If I could of just brought him a few more hours he would of insured she stay with us , he would of screamed it through the hospital, But I think he assumed Bells mother Marie would at lest know where she belonged , but she didn't , or she didn't care. These things drove me mad , I ripped violently at my hair every day trying to understand how everything went so wrong. It was me , and with out me the problems wouldn't exist. I loved her. But it didn't matter , it counted for nothing but pain. Its all just too much , the things you don't know and wish you never did. That I wasn't the only one who used to hang around her school just to get a look at her and see if she's OK. That my mother was sitting in the car park with my father stalking her and saw that maybe they needed to give up on what we had been wishing for , I knew my mother well enough to now that seeing Sam with Bell , doing all the things a mother does for her daughter, all the things she longed to do , Everyone thought it was going to be OK , but how it could it be , its been years and I cant close my eyes with out visions of blood so why do I try if all I ever do is fall down , I'll just end up hurting some one if I keep going like this.
The absence of everything plagued me and I could see the damage of everything around me and I just couldn't stand it. All those nights when she would crawl into my bed made me want to put my fist through the wall because of the empty space that's left there now , because of the blood that covered my hands I could not see any way out. No way to wash it off except this , her tears had stained me , my mothers had. I will never be the son they expect me because I just cant let go , I cant get better , I was only made to do one thing. It drove me mad that ever where I looked, I craved her being there to at least make the pain subside , even just for a moment and that made me selfish because she didn't need me like I needed her.
The peace that comes with being done like this is unreal. Its something to want , to need. Its the next best thing after her , the only thing to make it all go away. To stop all the bad thoughts , to stop being this burden on everyone around me because I'm am a broken record that only plays her songs. That's not good for her, I'm not good for her , now I can see that , all I do is cause her pain , she will get over me and some one will love her the way she deserves. Some one will save her and do it right.
I dragged it through my skin tearing it into everything that I was sure kept me breathing , up and down both of my wrists and over my chest , I had a second to see myself in the mirror covered in blood like I deserved before I dropped to the ground but as I looked down at the spilling blood panic set in.
Suddenly I hated myself for dying. I didn't know it would hurt like this , that my veins would scream as the blood is drained from them like every drop is being dragged from by body and it burnt to my core and it was the wrong time to realise I had made a mistake. I laid on the bathroom floor and watched as the door slowly opened, I knew this would bring her to me , she dropped to her knee's screaming and pressed her hands over my chest frantically trying to keep the blood in my body. I knew it wasn't real , it was my mind playing tricks on me , but I knew her well enough to know this was how she would react , That I was selfish and cruel , "You stupid boy" I couldn't help but cry with her as I looked down to realise my life was disappearing and with it any chance of being with her again , of touching her , she pressed harder and harder , grabbing the closest towel and pressed it firmly to my wrists and all I could do was watch her. I had fucked up. "Of course you've fucked up." she shook her head at her useless attempts to stop the bleeding and moaned in frustration that only made her cry more to realise the damage was done. "I'm your's don't you get it , Get up PLEASE." She was almost screaming at me and I could see her heart shattering.
Then I realised that's how she would see it , that it was her fault , because she knew no better , then she would be here with me. Then suddenly I looked down to see the blood pouring out of her tiny slit wrists , I was killing her with ever drop spilled. "Emmett." I screamed his name with everything I had left as I took the towel trying to hold them to her bleeding arms , I looked at her staring at them in absolute horror."Get up , Edward." she screamed as I tried to stop the bleeding of a figment of my imagination, I grabbed her and pulled her close "We cant be apart, dont you see. I need you". Emmett burst through the door and feel to his knees screaming out for dad , that was all I remembered. If my father wasn't a doctor I'd be dead, and it would of been a mistake.
I spent years locked away beating myself up over doing something that could cause an end to the only light Ive known in this world. I truly believed that I was no good for her , and maybe for awhile there I wasn't. But I do love her , I thank god she doesn't know about what I did. Because only my Bell would understand the way I betrayed her, I gave up just for a second but it could of cost us everything. It never occurred to me that two years had passed because when you loose your mind you loose all sense of time. I rotted in that place. thinking about the things I had done and scars that where left behind to prove I had done them.
Most days I spent my time just sitting in my room alone staring at the floor not hiding from the car accident but dwelling in every minute , I would remember that look in his eyes and the sound of his voice but instead of trying to make it stop I just gave up on that too and remembered everything and it consumed me like I knew it would eventually and now I focused on it. Even after the second car hit and his car crumbled like a paper cup , yet he survived and I ran to him and saw his bloody body crushed but he still looked at me and screamed that I run and get her away from here. He screamed in agony and blood spilled from his mouth ,drowning him.
I would wake from my night terrors to the sound of a voice of some one who wasnt there , I could almost feel her as she told me it was ok , that she was ok and everything will fall into place , all I had to do was breathe. I lost it more and more each day but I loved it.
Maybe this is what I should of done to begun with. I never should of tried forget anything , to push it all away , Because no matter what the outcome its always better to face it and deal with it. Maybe if I had delt with this , with leaving him there. I always wished deep down that I had died instead of him , I yearned for him to be alive as I'm sure she does , her longing made the guilt heavier to carry because I blame myself for it , A smarter kid would of moved faster and thought quicker, anyone else would of known to leave them both there and try to stop the car that would come over the hill and crash into us. I could of stopped them , maybe then they would of survived too.
My father looks at me and says he can see the complicated beauty of a river run wild , Something only he can see inside of me , But still I don't want to see them because I don't want to see that look in there eyes.There's nothing complicated about me , I'm an idiot , I lost Sight of what really mattered, After all this time I can see that anything that didn't lead back home wasn't worth doing. I lost my way and it all started with that Sunday when I was weaker then I should of been , but I finally realised that I didn't want that to mean never for me and her , I had to give her the chance to tell me she didn't love me like I loved her , after what I did. after I tried to leave her , could she forgive me could anyone really , but I started to realise I'd rather be the one causing the chaos then laying here at the sharp end of this knife , So now I'm ready to be bolder because i'll always keep her with me , she'll be always on my mind and I'll never know unless I try. She has to forgive me for these cuts , I wont let them bury my future , fuck it all . I can take it all disasters and waves of horror , just take me back to something real , as long as were together I don't care, even if she hates me. I can take it , I can fix this for good. Give her back her fairytale. For the first time in years my dreams stared to become sweet , there were still the ones that left me crying and clutching a pillow screaming her name and the new ones of having to watch her drag a razor over her wrists and I was like a ghost in the room that she could not see, and I couldnt stop her.
But now I could touch her hair and her face and her lips , I could see her laugh and feel her move closer to me. I knew it wasnt her , a frozen image of an angel in my mind and I loved it. Bad dreams were broken into by it and crushed by images of her laying there next to me , One second I was in my bed in my old room back in forks and she would be next to me dead covered in blood and I would be shaking her and demand that she not leave me, when suddenly the light was tuned on and I was here in the hospital but she was still there, but she was happy and perfect and the blood was gone she was just here with me like she used to be , she would wipe the hair from my face and soothing me to relax "I'm here , I'm OK." , we were just here in this empty room on this same bed but then I started to realise they were more likely hallucinations because I stared to see her even in the day. I would be sitting talking to doctors and she would be standing behind them making smart ass remarks ,
"The medication is important Edward " I could hear him talking but I could stop starring at her leaning up against the wall smiling at me. "Do you understand Edward" my head snapped and I looked at the doctor and nodded in response , "So you get it right Edward , That its important." she added quietly behind him starring at me. I didn't tell anyone in fear they take it away , it was home to me when I was her and finally I got it. I was still meant to be with her. I laid in the bed talking to her , making her laugh and that's when I realised that I couldn't be here anymore , but I didn't want to think about it , I didn't care if it wasn't real I missed her so much that I would settle for this. Settle for the sweet whispers and touches , even if its all in my head.
"You get it don't you " she asked sitting across from me in the lunch room while I waited for Xave to show up for his arranged visit. "Its time , you need to get real now Eddy , Time to go home. End this shit." , that was the last time I ever imagined her being there , that's when I snapped back in. I leaned back in my chair and folded my arms and finally felt like I could breathe again.
But now I'm sitting here trying desperately to cover them from her , from myself. Like Raven has enough ink in that gun to do that. I could see the looks in her eyes when I explained it all to her and she didn't get it until I just explained to her that People can be really selfish and horrible , she felt bad and tried to apologize but I had made my peace with at lest that. But every second I was with Bell made me hate myself even more for what I did because , it was bell. What the fuck was I thinking to ever let myself become so horribly defeated, I should of used this anxiety for what it was good for. Its fuel. People don't see that you can live on anxiety , its probably the only thing that keeps me going and there's nothing wrong with that , it can be productive.
I wanted to tell her and I would but...When I did I didn't want there to be this horrible image for her to see. I don't want her to see just how horrible it was , it would burn in her. I wanted to be able to wear a t shirt with out everyone being able to look and see what kind of person I am. I hated them , every day I had to look at them and remember that feeling I had when I dragged that razor blade into me. "Everyone makes mistakes. that's all it was Edward , A mistake." Raven was sweet I always knew that , I just didn't realise how incredibly non judge mental she was , she was like this all around nice person , yet everyone said she was a bitch , I didn't get it. She covered me in tribal designs and quotes in french that she loved , she tattooed a swan in amongst it all , she was an artist like her brother and the end result was more then I could of ever hoped for.
"I surprise even myself." She said stepping back to look at me after more then ten hours of her dragging that needle over my skin again and again , and it was like some one took them away , I couldn't believe anyone would care enough to do something like this for some one , I looked over at the mirror and for the first time in years I felt like I wanted to be in this skin. "Thank you." she shrugged it off and ruffled my hair , "Your a good kid." I hung around with Raven for the rest of the night talking to her and getting stoned. She told me about her fucked up family and I told her about mine , the one I felt like I hardly knew. That was my fault but. I pushed them away. I can see now that it hurt them more to keep them in the dark , because just like Xavier ,they were waiting for me to do it. Everyone knew but me.
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