Text Size Large SizeMedium SizeSmall Size    Color Scheme Black SchemeWhite SchemeGrey SchemePaper Scheme        

Interveiws with the Vampire!

Alice decides to interveiw everyone for her own amusment on the topic of Eclipse... (no spoilers since this was written before it came out) afterxdreaming's Cupcake Challenge Entry! Congrats to Alcyone, addictedtotwilight, and Love_Bites!!!!!! Yay!!!!

Hey guys! This was actually the hardest challenge to write, I had a really bad case of writer's block until... I watched Austin Powers Goldmember that is! Sad isn't it.... Thanks Kaiwynn for not yelling at me! (For I'm gramatically inpaired...)

1. Interveiws with the Vampire!

Rating 4/5   Word Count 968   Review this Chapter

Alice; “Hello everyone, and welcome to; Interviews with the Vampire! I’m your host; Alice Cullen!”


Alice; “Today we’ll be talking to various people about the new book, Eclipse, coming out in barely a week!”

[More Applause]

Alice; “Our first series of guest are the humans of Eclipse! Please welcome; Charlie, Renee, and Phil!”

(3 very confused humans enter)

Charlie; “Um…Alice where are we?”

Renee; Isn’t this the High School Broadcasting Room? (A/N Kinda like the PA room but with TV)

Alice;Jasper! Get her out of her! She knows too much!

(Renee is dragged away by Jasper kicking and screaming)

Alice; Any body else thinks this is the School Broadcasting room? No? Okay, on with the interviews…So Phil, you’ve been mentioned in the last two books, yet have failed to make an appearance, what are your thoughts on that? And will you be showing up in Eclipse?

Phil; Well…

(Alice gets a vision)

Alice; Never mind Phil. Emmett!

(Phil is dragged away by Emmett)

Alice; Sorry folks, you don’t want to know. So Charlie, (turns to Charlie who was shaking in his boots…) what do you feel about myths?

Charlie; Oh not this again! Why does everyone go off about Dracula and wolf-men? Alice, don’t tell me believe all those crazy stories? I mean they are about your family and it is all quite unbelievable! I’m sure you are just some nice normal people…

(Alice grins)

Alice; Okay, okay you made your point. Now let ask you, how do you feel about a certain boy dating your daughter?

Charlie; Oh him! Well I…wait is he here?

Alice; Not yet…

Charlie; …and will I be gone by the he gets here?

Alice; Most likely…

Charlie; Okay then! Well I thought he was a nice kid, but after the whole Phoenix/Leaving Bella in the Forest/Los Angeles thing, I don’t know if he is the right guy. For a while I actually thought he was gay…

Alice; Don’t we all…

Charlie; But Alice do you know who I think will make a great boyfriend for Bella?

Alice; Who would that be?

Charlie; That person would be…

(Jasper comes bursting through the door after escorting Renee into the street.)

Jasper; Alice! Bad News! Eddie’s here! But we managed to hold him in the make-up room…

Charlie; I’ll be going now…

(Runs out the door)

Alice; Charlie everyone!

[Sarcastic applause]

Alice; Our next guest is the antagonist of Eclipse, Victoria!

[Collected gasps and screaming and the occasional boo]

(Victoria enters pulled on a leash by Emmett)

Alice; So Victoria, how have you been?

Victoria; Oh pretty good, even better if you would, UNTIE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice; Sorry we can’t do that.

Victoria; Okay then…Why am I here?

Alice; You’re here to discuss why you want to kill Bella in the bloodiest fashion.

Victoria; Humph! I thought we already discussed this! I want to kill Bella because Edward killed James!

Alice; Why did the chicken cross the road?

Victoria; I told you, because EDWARD KILLED JAMES!!!!!

Alice; Victoria everyone! Away now! Back to killing innocent citizens you!

(Victoria is dragged away)

[Another round of sarcastic clapping]

Alice; Now here’s a message from our sponsors!

[Commercial Break? Wait, what?]

Carlisle; Ever want to stop drinking human blood but find that animal blood tastes like rotten fish soaked in spoiled milk topped of with broccoli?

(Random vampires nod)

Carlisle; Or human food?

(Random vampires shudder)

Carlisle; Now there’s an alternative! Try the all new, all somewhat natural, Cullen Brand Blood Boxes!

Esme; Now with less sodium!

Rosalie; And less mongoose!

Alice; And we’re back! This my favorite interview of the show! (Fanatical laughing *Ahahaha!!!*) Please welcome our next guests; Bella’s crazy suitors!!!

(Edward and Jacob enter among with a very terrified Mike Newton)

Mike; Where are we?

Jacob; Why have I been in a box for the last two hours?

Edward; What do you want Alice?

Alice; Shut up all of you and let me get my interviews!

Jacob; And if we don’t?

Edward; Just shut up! She knows where I live!!!!

Alice; No duh. Okay so who thinks Bella likes the best?

(All three boys raise their hands)

Mike; What? Like yeah right! She obviously likes me best! Have you seen the way she looks at me?

Jacob; With disgust?

Edward; Loathing?

Mike; No, no, no you stupid ppl (*he can’t even talk right…*) It’s with abortion! (A/N Notice something?)

(Both Edward and Jacob grab the nearest thing they could find and chuck it at him)

Mike;C’mon! Who throws cupcakes now really???

Edward; Let’s strangle him!

Jacob; For once I agree!

(And Mike runs away screaming with Edward and Jacob in tow)

Alice; Wait come ba-…never mind. Just welcome or next and probably last guest, everyone’s favorite heroin I mean heroine, Bella!


(Bella enters normally…then trips on the carpeting)

Alice; So Bella, everyone’s wondering, who do you like better?

Bella; Isn’t it obvious Alice? I love –bleep- the best hands down!

Alice; Who?

Bella; I said I love –bleep- the best!




(Sure enough Emmett had the cuss-cover-upper-sound-system-box)

Emmett; Thought she was cursing…

Alice; Well anyway, everyone wants to know, what are you going to choose? Life or death?

Bella; Hmm…honestly Alice, I think….

[Loud Buzz]

Alice; Sorry we’re out of time! Everyone goes home with a free Blood Box!!!! And I would like to thank all of our guests for coming!!!

[Cheering ]

Alice; Now everybody go home before I release Victoria on you all! Emmett! Release her n~ow!