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Awake

Summary:
Awake by Marauder by Midnight Edward made a drastic decision that haunts him throughout the night. As he watches Bella sleep, he debates on whether or not it was right. Song-fic.


Notes:
My first Twilight song-fic. Lyrics written and performed by Josh Groban.


1. Awake

Rating 5/5   Word Count 2398   Review this Chapter

Awake
by Marauder by Midnight

Time passed slowly. It always did at night now, but this time, the pace was achingly sluggish. Was it because Bella was asleep, leaving me nothing to do, nothing to think about but her? Or was it because the events of last night kept playing in my head, torturing me, taking up all my thoughts?

It hadn’t been long before Bella had fallen asleep, cuddled next to my stone-like body. I couldn’t help but wonder how uncomfortable it must be to lay next to a practically dead body. I couldn’t provide her the warmth she needed at night, so the moment she had drifted to sleep, I slid out from under her and wrapped the blankets around her body.

I didn’t know what to do next. Sit here at vigil next to her like every other night? I almost snorted with derision. I couldn’t present her any valuable protection. In fact, I jeopardized her very life by being here, undermining any defenses the sheriff could have offered for her.

I needed to get away. At least for now.

Deftly, I glided out the window and landed with a muffled thud on the ground below. Without another glance behind my shoulder, I took off, back to the home I had left for Bella. The concern I felt for Jasper eased the pain of what I have to do slightly.

They were in the family room when I arrived. The thoughts ringing through everyone’s heads caught me by surprise.

How is Bella?

Is she all right?

We ruined her birthday.

Only one person didn’t surprise me.

Rosalie was standing at the glass wall, resolutely staring into the blackness surrounding our home. Electric cars deliver a higher torque at lower resolutions and do not require as complex drive train and…

I hid my disgust from my face as I pushed her voice to the back of my mind. However, I couldn’t help wondering what my reaction would be if Rosalie hadn’t been trying so hard to shut me out of her thoughts and had allowed me to glimpse at the black ideas she had in her mind.

“Bella’s fine,” I reassured all of them. “She’s fast asleep.”

Jasper shook his head though his eyes were still pinned to his hands in front of him. “If you hadn’t been there to stop me…”

Alice wound a comforting arm around his waist. “We’ll be going away, Edward.” She looked up at me with blank eyes. “The decision had been made long before Bella left.”

I nodded. I had not expected any less. Jasper needed time to gather himself together, away from the temptation of humans. But something else was left unsaid.

“You’re leaving too, Carlisle? Esme?”

Esme looked away from my inquiring eyes, embarrassed, but Carlisle answered, “Yes. Alice thinks it is best if we all leave Bella alone for a while to…recover from tonight’s party.”

Again, the suspicion that something was being hidden from me crept up. I focused on the thoughts of all of those around me, but they were all either eerily silent or deliberately preoccupied. Only Alice held my gaze steadily.

You’re coming too, Edward.

The time it took for them to clear the home was amazingly quick. Granted, they had already piled most of the furniture in Carlisle’s and Esme’s room, but we were bidding our goodbyes within two hours after my arrival.

Emmett and Rosalie were the first to leave. Rosalie still dodged my probing mind (this time, with useless details about carburetors), but Emmett gave me an encouraging pat on my shoulder before they disappeared, heading north.

Carlisle was supportive as always. “You alone know what you must do,” he said with a sad smile, though I could see in his eyes he did not approve.

Esme’s displeasure was even more evident. As she embraced me goodbye, she thought fervently, Do only what you must and no more. Leave her in one piece. As she pulled away, she touched my cheek. “Beautiful boy.” Her tone was mournful, and she disapproved of what I would be doing to my heart.

As they strode away, Jasper shuffled forth, the pain still clear in his eyes. “I’m sorry for this,” he murmured sincerely. “I cannot imagine what I am asking of you. To part with – “ He could not finish his sentence, and images of Alice flashed through his mind.

I nodded. Despite my efforts, I could tell him that it was okay, that it would be fine. To utter such a falsehood would damn my already hell-bound soul to an even worse, more unimaginable fate.

Alice approached me, the usual spring in her step gone. I want to say goodbye.

I shook my head. I knew that such an action from Alice would make my task even more difficult. Just as Esme had said, I will hurt her as I must but no more. She didn’t need two goodbyes to terrorize her dreams – my one would be enough. Suddenly, Alice reached up and wrapped her arms around my waist. Caught off-guard, I automatically hugged her back.

Give her that for me.

Again, I nodded, for my words would offer no comfort for me or Alice.

She looked at my blank expression. Keep some for yourself.

I watched as Alice withdrew from my arms and moved next to Jasper. I felt an unfamiliar pang in my chest as Jasper slid his hand in Alice’s and breathed a sigh of relief as all reminders of love disappeared through the trees.

To my left, the strands of sunlight, escapees from the clouds that held them captive, peeked over the horizon.

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
.

I had only an hour before Bella awoke – before the day of my impossible task. One hour to soak up enough Bella to last me an eternity. My legs couldn’t have carried me any slower as I raced back to Bella’s. As I ran, I was vaguely aware of the sounds around me. Birds chirped as they shook the night from their feathers and swooped to the ground for worms. A September breeze ruffled the leaves of trees playfully, and the responding twitters were like peals of laughter. From the passing houses, early risers were shuffling from room to room, preparing to meet the new day armed with coffee and tea.

How could they carry on so lightly, so freely, when something so strange and so heartbreaking approached so quickly? Could they not feel the same anguish I was in? Could they not see the unlawful heartbreak I was to give my beloved Bella? A sigh escaped my lips. No, they could not. This was the outside world. The world I would be thrusting Bella into from the safety of our own private, almost alien planet.

I reached her home. The tranquility of the yellow house seemed to prohibit someone like me – someone who had every intention to harm the occupants inside – from entering. The burden in my heart grew heavier, but all the same I nimbly climbed up the side and through her open window.

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

Her brow was furrowed into a frown, I knew, from the cold air I had let in by leaving the window open, but a part of me wondered if somehow, the nightmare I would bring on soon had already begun to plague her. I fought the urge to cross the room and envelope her with my arms and took to concentrating on walking calmly to the chair.

I studied her. I took in the way her body moved to accommodate incoming air, the way her breath escaped from her partly open lips, the way her hands wrapped around the edge of pillow as if clinging to someone in her dreams. A wild thought struck me. I almost dismissed it I was reminded of our imminent goodbye by a loud sigh coming from the bed.

Carefully, I chipped off a piece of the barrier I had set between us. A trickle of the aroma I had so cautiously ignored found its way into my nostrils. The smell was intoxicating, and I struggled to maintain my composure. Warily, I allowed the small hole to open wider and wider, taking pauses in between to adjust to the strengths of the fragrance.

I allowed her scent to surround me physically and mentally. I closed my eyes and allowed the intoxicating perfume to seep under my skin. There will be a part of her in me forever.

Control.

Feeling exuberant by my little victory, I took a large breath of air and felt dizzy from the bouquet though the temptation was like daggers in me. Time had made me forget just how painful my first breath of Bella had been for me, but it came flooding back. How could I have forgotten such a sensation, such a frightening desire to go against everything I had fought for? And yet, the smell was so sweet, so beautiful, so hard to let go.

The last thought had come so suddenly. I immediately opened my eyes, and my throat emitted a low growl. I had to let go if not for her then for my family.

She stirred. The invisible, but wholly powerful, currents of aroma shifted as well. She would soon be waking. Quickly but shakily, I rebuilt the blockade in my mind that nullified her telltale scent. I felt a deep relief as the fragrance slowly faded away. What a time to display masochistic tendencies.

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

As I watched her sleep, a flood of memories washed over me. Memories the former me would ever have guessed I’d experience. None could have been more profound than my time with her in the meadow, not all my years of existence as a human and as a monster. Her hesitant but heavenly touch still lingered on my skin after she had stroked my sparkling body. Her voice and sweet breath caressed my rock-like shell as she examined me in the sun. Her soft and trusting lips crushed against mine in our first kiss.

I should have stopped myself then, when I had heard the tremble in her voice after I had lost control. I could have spared her the hurt she’d feel today. It would have been easier for her to let go.

No. She and I will part ways today, her in one piece and I in a withering mess. She was human, creatures who could so easily forget moments of history then look back in some unimportant book or other. On the other hand, I would never let one day, one moment go by without thinking about her. To do so would make me unworthy of her love. Every day, my scabbed heart would reopen with just the thought of her, but that was a sacrifice I was willing to make. A sacrifice for the one I loved.

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

As the sun climbed ever higher in the cloud-filled sky, I cursed under my breath. How much time did I have with her now? How much longer before the start of her new life and the end of mine? I grasped the arms of my chair tightly as if anchoring myself as the intense desire to hold Bella re-emerged.

No more. I sighed quietly and for the last time in my eternity, I submitted to the love that bound us together. It was a defeat I was willing to take, for I experienced something sweeter and more excruciating than her blood. Curious, this love thing was. It was more like wine than Bella’s life-blood, and here I was drunk and stupid on it. It had made me do stupid things, like risk exposure and taste human blood. And the stupidest of all: hurt Bella. No, it wasn’t stupid. It was an experience worth having for both of us. What was that saying? Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see
We can't stay this way forever
But I have you here today

It was wrong to hold a human, whose existence was a fleeting glance across the page of time, so close to one’s heart. But being the selfish, proud bastard I was, I wouldn’t apologize. Even in the face of death – or whatever it was we monsters did – I stood defiant.

I knew what I had to do, but here, enclosed in such a small room with her, I couldn’t help but put it off. I couldn’t rightly leave her still inebriated on love and blood. I couldn’t guarantee I would do it right.

Tomorrow. I vowed that tonight – no, last night – would be my last night with her. I needed my mind clear when I did the dastardly deed tomorrow. No later.

But for now, I will enjoy what precious time we had left.

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

Her eyes fluttered awake, and reflexively I was by her side in an instant. She smiled timidly at me, and I could see in her eyes that she hoped I had forgiven her. There was nothing to forgive, but I pecked her forehead all the same. Before she could notice my wary distant behavior, I ducked out the window.

This time when I landed, I afforded myself one last glance over my shoulder and whispered, “Thank you.”