One-shot scene from New Moon. Edward's thoughts as he tells Bella he must leave her forever and the struggles he hides deep within his topaz eyes.
An angst-ridden fic for the enjoyment of those who love a brooding vampire. Please review!!!
Rating 4.5/5 Word Count 944 Review this Chapter
“Where you are is the right place for me.”
I want to believe her, and to some extent a part of me does. But that part needs to be silenced soon, before anyone gets hurt – before anyone has to die.
“I’m no good for you, Bella.”
Her soul shatters before me; I can see it in her eyes. But it doesn’t change the truth. Sure, I had saved her life, but how long until my luck runs dry? My self control isn’t as strong as it needs to be, not with this temptation. Darkness follows me at every turn. I can not be responsible for destroying her world.
“You’re the very best part of my life.”
She pleads with me now, begging me not only with her words but with her eyes, the fragments of her soul quivering within. The shards await the words that will allow them to leap together and repair themselves, forgetting they were never broken to begin with. But I can not speak the words they long to hear. I can not speak the words she longs to hear. I control my face, a task proving more difficult by the second, and force myself to be cold. Cold like me – cold and hard like stone. If only I could convince myself to actually become stone. Breaking her takes its toll on me as well.
“No! This is about my soul, isn’t it? Carlisle told me about that, and I don’t care, Edward. I don’t care! You can have my soul. I don’t want it without you-it’s yours already.”
She knows exactly how I feel, like she can see right through me, through to the spine. She reads me and understands me like a great poet. She pieces the smallest, most abstract details together and has an alarming talent for finding the truths within the lies. Her soul is crashing, falling from the heavens right before me. Maybe that’s why I was… am still attracted to her. She is my guardian angel, her soul burning brightly through the darkness that surrounds me. Perhaps it is her soul I covet, a soul so pure that perhaps it could absolve me of my sins and resurrect my tarnished, torn, black soul. I can not ask for such a sacrifice. I am beyond help now. Still… her pleading eyes are so full of love for me, even now, that I cannot help but wonder. Perhaps there is still good in me, even after all I have done.
“It will be as if I’d never existed.”
A clean break is all that is needed. I need to cut myself free from her life so she can live the life she was meant to have – the life she deserved to have. All this time I have been too selfish. I should have run away and stayed far from her from the very start. It has become harder to keep my face under control. My eyes threaten to give away the truth that burns to be spoken, but I choke it back. Bella deserves freedom and freedom is not what I can provide her. I yearn to touch her now. She has become fragile, more so now than ever before. Her lip quivers and I want to steady it with a kiss. Her heart is racing but not from the intensity of our touch.
I have to leave now. Her pain is my biggest weakness and the last of my strength has all but faded away. I need her and I know I could never again know life without her near, that is, if I could even call my existence ‘life’. I run into the dark depth of the forest, away from her. I hope it is not too late for her to heal, to forget about me. The thought of her forgetting me sends a cold, sharp dagger through my chest, twisting and jerking to create more pain, freezing all it touches but never numbing the pain. My selfish desires to keep her and for her to remember me only make me more determined to leave no trace behind.
I arrive too soon at her house. I don’t want to be here. I have a feeling that if I linger here too long I will never leave. I race through the house collecting any evidence of myself. I look at the gifts she has just received for her birthday. I know I should take them, destroy them even, but the selfish part of me wants her to keep them and remember me, even though she must never know she has them. I hide them carefully under a loose floorboard and leave the room quickly, tearing myself away from the scent of her. It is intoxicating and I nearly lose my power to continue on. I force myself further. It must be done for her; I can no longer remain in her life. It is too dangerous and I can not risk her angelic soul for my own decrepit shred of a soul, if I actually managed to hold on to a piece.
I get into my silver Volvo and drive far, far away into the night. There is no destination in my mind, I just have to escape. I contemplate running but know that it is easier to drive away than to run away.
When I run I may follow my heart and my heart no longer belonged to me. It would no longer entertain my request for peace or solitude.
My heart will always return to Bella, always.